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Stupidist radio call

Old 27th Mar 2018, 22:06
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Stupidist radio call

Post your best one here.

My first nomination- So last evening BN Center were having transmitter trouble on one frequency near Darwin- open mikes followed by periods off the air. I'm trying to arrange a weather diversion.

I know Aussie ATC don't routinely monitor 121.5 (I don't know WHY they don't!!) but believe they have the capacity in no-coms situations (stand to be corrected on this point)

So I give it a try- "BN center, Babble fish one calling on 121.5, do you read?"

Instant response from "some dude"

"You're on guard mate!"

Couldn't make it up....
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Old 27th Mar 2018, 23:19
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Flying along in G, gin-clear severe CAVOK along the coast.

I spot a light aircraft (a Skyfox or Gazelle thingy I think) ahead, tracking the same direction, 500’ or so above me and about 1/2 a nautical mile abeam, but much slower. As I watch him pass abeam and above when I overtake, he obviously spots me.

Him: “Aircraft [of my description] at [my location]. Identify yourself!”

Thinks me: “Air Force 1.”

Him knowing my callsign wasn’t going to decrease an already non-existent risk of collision....
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Old 27th Mar 2018, 23:37
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The CTAF frequency at my home airfield is shared with another 3x ALAs within 15nm or so, all in G.

Two of them have a shitload of microlight/powered parachute/death trap traffic, and one of them has glider traffic. I swear some of these guys just love the sound of their own voice as they trundle along at 500ft coastal with unnecessary position reports. They then usually start talking conversationally amongst themselves including one stooge who was giving wind reports at ground level to another.

My favourite though is when some chump uses the yank throwaway line "Any traffic in the circuit please advise!"
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 00:08
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By comparison MagnumPI,

At least they were bloody talking!!! However I do agree, there is way too much of this (I wish I was a 747 pilot BS going on with the LSA drivers and wheeties packet pilot's). A little pilot certificate with a couple of endo's does not endorse these wannabes to hog the airways and at what cost to other traffic??

If they wanna talk SH*t all day then use the dedicated freq and not the bloody CTAF!!!
Keep it short and sweet folks.

Ooroo

Last edited by quinnyfly; 28th Mar 2018 at 02:49.
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 00:18
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Many moons ago I was ferrying a new aircraft from the UK to Oz and we had an overnight at Mumbai (India)(It was Bombay back then). It was a Sunday morning as we departed and climbed out towards Calcutta in fine weather. We transferred from departures to area on VHF and as we approached our cruise level, control said: "call-sign, report when you loose contact"....
We looked at each other somewhat speechless until we got ourselves together and made an acknowledgement! Turns out he was wanting to prompt us to transfer to HF.
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 01:53
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Talking of Mumbai-

Could never get them to make correct calls re including call sign- Had this conversation or similar many times-

Me- "Mumbai, Emihad 123 request descent"

Them- "Descend to FL250"

Me'" Confirm Emihad 123 descend 250?"

Mumbai- "Affirm"

Me-" Confirm it was Emihad 123 you were saying Affirm to...."
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 01:57
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Climb via SID

Descend via STAR.

Where do I begin?
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 02:17
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GG: exactly! "Descend via STAR to (say FL250)" when the bloody STAR doesn't start until about 8000'. And the STAR has no height constraints!

Idiotic!
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 03:17
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Originally Posted by OK4Wire View Post

Idiotic!
No,no, it's spelt ICAO.....
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 03:24
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Australian civil ATC has never monitored 121.5.
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 04:02
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The old BN Sect 4 which was staffed by RAAF ATC during the day Mon to Fri had 121.5. Wasn't turned off when we civvies had to takeover from them or give them a break.
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 04:55
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Originally Posted by topdrop View Post
The old BN Sect 4 which was staffed by RAAF ATC during the day Mon to Fri had 121.5. Wasn't turned off when we civvies had to takeover from them or give them a break.
Well yes, similar in Adelaide in the 1970s but it was for the RAAF and not civil ATC.
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 05:36
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Folks,
My two bobs worth.

Large red tailed aeroplane, short final 16R, YSSY.

Tower had already advised: " ---- continue approach, expect late landing clearance"
Finally, Tower: "QF XXX, cleared to land 16R, no readback required".
From Qantas: "Cleared to land 16R, no readback required, QF XXX".

I was No.2 for 16R at the time, I was laughing so hard, I could barely concentrate on flying the aeroplane.

An all-time favourite, New York area, late afternoon, back in B707 days:
Centre: "Air France, flight conditions".
Air France: "Maintaining 7000, in and out of ze bottoms"
Microseconds late, unidentified voice: "Vive la sport"

Tootle pip!!
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 06:18
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The number of times on uncontrolled frequencies I hear "ABC, abeam Smithville, 3,000ft". Useful position information right there.

Not a radio call as such but an exchange I was involved in with a student not particularly long ago:

Tower: "ABC, continue downwind number three behind a 172 and a Tomahawk"
Student Bloggs: "continue downwind, two aircraft ahead in sight, looking for number three"
Me doing my best to stay deadpan: "That's us, Bloggs"
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 07:36
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Back in the days when Essendon was Melb Twr... long before the readback requirements were changed in 1997 there was only about five items on the readback list.

A certain F27 pilot had the habit of reading everything back and it gave the controllers the sh1ts big time.

One day it got the best of the Twr controller who said something along the lines of: "ABC, you are reminded that the only elements of a clearance or instruction you are required to read back are altitude anything prefixed with amended and blah blah etc"....

You guessed it... the pilots replied... " ABC understand the only elements of a clearance or instruction you are required to back are... etc etc"

I think they gave up after that!!
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 07:50
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The "stupidist" thing is the title to this thread.

But the funniest callsign was AYT, with the pilot reporting:

"err, alpha yankee tangee......no, alpha yalpha... no... alpho.... arrr stuff it, Ay Why Tee!"
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 07:52
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C152 at the holding point Archerfield: "Archer tower, I would like to take off..."
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 09:01
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Originally Posted by Ascend Charlie View Post
The "stupidist" thing is the title to this thread.

But the funniest callsign was AYT, with the pilot reporting:

"err, alpha yankee tangee......no, alpha yalpha... no... alpho.... arrr stuff it, Ay Why Tee!"
My inner pedant was itching over the title, too.

I wonder what the stoopedist spelling of stupidest might be.

But then I though the OP might have used “stupidist” deliberately, in a similar sense to “nudist”. That is, someone who does “stupid” as a hobby.

What’s your hobby? I’m a nudist. And what’s your hobby? I’m a stupidist.
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 09:07
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"ABC, no traffic for descent Bloggsville"
"Copied the traffic, ABC".
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 09:14
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Originally Posted by quinnyfly View Post
By comparison MagnumPI,

If they wanna talk SH*t all day then use the dedicated freq and not the bloody CTAF!!!

Ooroo
What dedicated frequency would that be?

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