Top Tips 3
 

1. Always carry out a before use check (including SWL) of an aircraft ladder before use.
1 a). Also check that it hasn't been cobbled together from two u/s ladders by the lowest bidder contractor, negating the manufacturers guarantee.



1. There is always at least one complete chisseller on the crew.
1 a). If by any chance you think all the crew are ace, rule 1 still applies



Before visiting a Czech run hospital (in Kabul), try and learn some Czech language on the way, so as not to make the X ray man impatient enough to roughly handle you and dislocate your ankle a second time.


When on det in Afghanistan, needing to get back for a Divorce Court Hearing, try running over the aircraft ladder with a forklift truck and lying next to it.

Stop whining and looking for sympathy. :rolleyes:

Man up you big Jessie. :)

When one of your employees injures himself due to shoddy equipment, try starting your e mail with phrases like 'How are you?' 'Are you okay?' rather than a single line 'Get me photos of the ladder'


When suing your line manager for his pension, wait until your divorce is finalised.

SPHLC

Could Albert get off the ground under MOS if there was a ladder on board rated for your weight? :}

All the best mate, your tale of woe is getting longer by the day.

TBT

Love Child,

I bet your a bloody ray of sunshine for all around you in theatre. Get yourself on the MIRT for a few days, that should help you put things in perspective.

Gentlemen.

If you PPRunE search for the other two (locked) Top Tip threads, you will see what a happy bunch we used to be. Where fellow PPRuNers would join in and get in the spirit of it.

Stop Start and BEagle, show 'em.

Top Bunkers
I know you both but get you mixed up. I'm none the wiser as you're both tw@ts.

MGD
You're right though, I'm not my normal chirpy self.


Okay, another -

When injured on det with three females living nearby, try to secure simple things like cups of tea, dressing changes, ointment applications etc before diving straight in and asking for them to....

When falling off a ladder, try to jump clear rather than straddling a lower rung and bruising your bollocks



Most Irritating Rearcrew Tosser?

Face backwards when jumping off a moving crew bus -



if you want the aforesaid lovelies to give you cups of tea and tender ministrations.

BTW, you are then the chiseler

If you've got bruised bollocks the last thing you want is some woman kissing them better.

Oh, wait a minute...

If sympathy from the aforesaid woman is not forthcoming put 'IT' in in her hand and start crying.

SPHLC! Delighted to see you're maintaining your high standards even over there. Had they been keeping an accurate record of the ladder FI? I suspect the IPT may have overlooked that one - I had heard it was restricted to one climb only and was then due to go to Marshalls to be re-runged? You should look into it.... Another cock up by Eng Wg no doubt....

I've heard they've discussed your situation at Execs - obviously there is concern about the damage and injuries sustained. A plan is being hatched to arrange recovery back to the UK and all being well the ladder should be home by the end of the week. You, on the other hand, clearly have no idea how tough things are out there and are to spend an extra month there as punishment.

:ok: Keep up the good work!

PS.

I would be grateful if this thread could be continued in the current Pprune style. Please choose one of the following topics as a basis for your post.

1. I have no idea what you do but my job is harder than yours and I do more dets than you.

2. The RAF is rubbish and I'm going to leave. Just thought I'd tell you all anonymously on the internet.

3. It's all the fault of the officers who are too busy gorging themselves on Foie Gras to worry about us poor lads down here in the trenches.

Carry on....

That'll teach you to wear your hi vis...

Medical Incident Response Team.

The boys and girls who pick up all the broken people and treat them in the back of a helicopter until they get to hospital.

top tips.......

1. Never take a rifle to a knife fight in a telephone box

2. Never turn up 24 hours late for a route check

3. Never say " it's quite quiet today isn't it ? " on a Friday

4. Never ask a mover to " throw a strop over that bag will you ? "

5. Never plan early

6. Never get airborne having been told " the dip cell are on the case "

7. Never assume that the fresh faced yank kid servicing your aircraft bog actually knows what he is doing

8. Never never assume that the fluid running down the pan underneath the a/c might be fuel and dip your fingers for a quick taste test. See 7 above.

9. Never assume that the Hereford lads won't try hanging a hammock off the control runs/cables

10. Never assume you will change anything for very long.........

StopStart said:

I would be grateful if this thread could be continued in the current Pprune style. Please choose one of the following topics as a basis for your post.

1. I have no idea what you do but my job is harder than yours and I do more dets than you.

2. The RAF is rubbish and I'm going to leave. Just thought I'd tell you all anonymously on the internet.

3. It's all the fault of the officers who are too busy gorging themselves on Foie Gras to worry about us poor lads down here in the trenches.

Carry on....



Ahhhhhh the good old days......when 97% of posts were covered by 1 - 3 above.

Some more:

1. !!!! 'em!

2. People only say or do things for a particular reason. (See 1 and 3)

3. Trust no-one.

4. Dont try to dispose of naptha by pouring it into the snow and igniting it, watch in horror as the discarded can is too close to the conflagration and flames begin to emit from it, kick can away, sadly into tent which has a large quantity of straw on the floor. Watch helplessly as your winger kicks burning can and straw out of tent, laugh manically as the can now ignites your bergen and associated equipment by tree.
Try and then explain to QM why your Ski Dance boots have melted.

5. If it isnt written down it never happened!

6. Question everything.

7. Challenge everything.................


I am sure there's more.....

SJ

When on a course at Cranwell, if you're trying to fool your wife into thinking that you're calling from the mess car park before having a night of study and are not really going out for a night on the p1ss, don't call her from the foot of Lincoln cathedral bell tower at one minute to eight.

SPHLC

They managed to change your teeth so surely they can change your bollox for a newer shinier pair as well?

2P

1. If you find yourself posted in as SPHLC's SEngO, reorganise the whole of Eng Wg again so that the other poor SEngO has to manage him.

2. If the other SEngO has applied Rule 1, promote SPHLC and send him back to the GEs.

Get well soon SPHLC

N Joe

Maybe I'm due another promotion and posting then!

I've got a blank accident report in front of me...

It's a fact, you've not a chance of sympathy on this site. God, we are a bunch of p1ss takers! Thank God, service humour is still alive and well!

As an aside, a mate of mine, years ago, was diagnosed with a heart murmur, understandably he was worried to death, but what cheered him up immensely were the hangar guys who passed him daily mumbling 'murmur, murmur' under their breath.

He survived and is still fit and well. He still has a F/S sense of humour too.

Starship Enterprise crew members:

If you've never appeared in an episode before, and the Captain asks you to beam down with him on an 'away team' - refuse at all costs.