Top Tips 3
 

1. Always carry out a before use check (including SWL) of an aircraft ladder before use.
1 a). Also check that it hasn't been cobbled together from two u/s ladders by the lowest bidder contractor, negating the manufacturers guarantee.



1. There is always at least one complete chisseller on the crew.
1 a). If by any chance you think all the crew are ace, rule 1 still applies



Before visiting a Czech run hospital (in Kabul), try and learn some Czech language on the way, so as not to make the X ray man impatient enough to roughly handle you and dislocate your ankle a second time.


When on det in Afghanistan, needing to get back for a Divorce Court Hearing, try running over the aircraft ladder with a forklift truck and lying next to it.

Stop whining and looking for sympathy. :rolleyes:

Man up you big Jessie. :)

When one of your employees injures himself due to shoddy equipment, try starting your e mail with phrases like 'How are you?' 'Are you okay?' rather than a single line 'Get me photos of the ladder'


When suing your line manager for his pension, wait until your divorce is finalised.

SPHLC

Could Albert get off the ground under MOS if there was a ladder on board rated for your weight? :}

All the best mate, your tale of woe is getting longer by the day.

TBT

Love Child,

I bet your a bloody ray of sunshine for all around you in theatre. Get yourself on the MIRT for a few days, that should help you put things in perspective.

Gentlemen.

If you PPRunE search for the other two (locked) Top Tip threads, you will see what a happy bunch we used to be. Where fellow PPRuNers would join in and get in the spirit of it.

Stop Start and BEagle, show 'em.

Top Bunkers
I know you both but get you mixed up. I'm none the wiser as you're both tw@ts.

MGD
You're right though, I'm not my normal chirpy self.


Okay, another -

When injured on det with three females living nearby, try to secure simple things like cups of tea, dressing changes, ointment applications etc before diving straight in and asking for them to....

When falling off a ladder, try to jump clear rather than straddling a lower rung and bruising your bollocks



Most Irritating Rearcrew Tosser?

Face backwards when jumping off a moving crew bus -



if you want the aforesaid lovelies to give you cups of tea and tender ministrations.

BTW, you are then the chiseler

If you've got bruised bollocks the last thing you want is some woman kissing them better.

Oh, wait a minute...

If sympathy from the aforesaid woman is not forthcoming put 'IT' in in her hand and start crying.

SPHLC! Delighted to see you're maintaining your high standards even over there. Had they been keeping an accurate record of the ladder FI? I suspect the IPT may have overlooked that one - I had heard it was restricted to one climb only and was then due to go to Marshalls to be re-runged? You should look into it.... Another cock up by Eng Wg no doubt....

I've heard they've discussed your situation at Execs - obviously there is concern about the damage and injuries sustained. A plan is being hatched to arrange recovery back to the UK and all being well the ladder should be home by the end of the week. You, on the other hand, clearly have no idea how tough things are out there and are to spend an extra month there as punishment.

:ok: Keep up the good work!

PS.

I would be grateful if this thread could be continued in the current Pprune style. Please choose one of the following topics as a basis for your post.

1. I have no idea what you do but my job is harder than yours and I do more dets than you.

2. The RAF is rubbish and I'm going to leave. Just thought I'd tell you all anonymously on the internet.

3. It's all the fault of the officers who are too busy gorging themselves on Foie Gras to worry about us poor lads down here in the trenches.

Carry on....

That'll teach you to wear your hi vis...

Medical Incident Response Team.

The boys and girls who pick up all the broken people and treat them in the back of a helicopter until they get to hospital.

top tips.......

1. Never take a rifle to a knife fight in a telephone box

2. Never turn up 24 hours late for a route check

3. Never say " it's quite quiet today isn't it ? " on a Friday

4. Never ask a mover to " throw a strop over that bag will you ? "

5. Never plan early

6. Never get airborne having been told " the dip cell are on the case "

7. Never assume that the fresh faced yank kid servicing your aircraft bog actually knows what he is doing

8. Never never assume that the fluid running down the pan underneath the a/c might be fuel and dip your fingers for a quick taste test. See 7 above.

9. Never assume that the Hereford lads won't try hanging a hammock off the control runs/cables

10. Never assume you will change anything for very long.........

StopStart said:

I would be grateful if this thread could be continued in the current Pprune style. Please choose one of the following topics as a basis for your post.

1. I have no idea what you do but my job is harder than yours and I do more dets than you.

2. The RAF is rubbish and I'm going to leave. Just thought I'd tell you all anonymously on the internet.

3. It's all the fault of the officers who are too busy gorging themselves on Foie Gras to worry about us poor lads down here in the trenches.

Carry on....



Ahhhhhh the good old days......when 97% of posts were covered by 1 - 3 above.

Some more:

1. !!!! 'em!

2. People only say or do things for a particular reason. (See 1 and 3)

3. Trust no-one.

4. Dont try to dispose of naptha by pouring it into the snow and igniting it, watch in horror as the discarded can is too close to the conflagration and flames begin to emit from it, kick can away, sadly into tent which has a large quantity of straw on the floor. Watch helplessly as your winger kicks burning can and straw out of tent, laugh manically as the can now ignites your bergen and associated equipment by tree.
Try and then explain to QM why your Ski Dance boots have melted.

5. If it isnt written down it never happened!

6. Question everything.

7. Challenge everything.................


I am sure there's more.....

SJ

When on a course at Cranwell, if you're trying to fool your wife into thinking that you're calling from the mess car park before having a night of study and are not really going out for a night on the p1ss, don't call her from the foot of Lincoln cathedral bell tower at one minute to eight.

SPHLC

They managed to change your teeth so surely they can change your bollox for a newer shinier pair as well?

2P

1. If you find yourself posted in as SPHLC's SEngO, reorganise the whole of Eng Wg again so that the other poor SEngO has to manage him.

2. If the other SEngO has applied Rule 1, promote SPHLC and send him back to the GEs.

Get well soon SPHLC

N Joe

Maybe I'm due another promotion and posting then!

I've got a blank accident report in front of me...

It's a fact, you've not a chance of sympathy on this site. God, we are a bunch of p1ss takers! Thank God, service humour is still alive and well!

As an aside, a mate of mine, years ago, was diagnosed with a heart murmur, understandably he was worried to death, but what cheered him up immensely were the hangar guys who passed him daily mumbling 'murmur, murmur' under their breath.

He survived and is still fit and well. He still has a F/S sense of humour too.

Starship Enterprise crew members:

If you've never appeared in an episode before, and the Captain asks you to beam down with him on an 'away team' - refuse at all costs.

Actually that only counts if he says
'and put this on'
...and hands you a red jumper.

Just remember, a pat on the back is just a recce for the knife!

1. Tracer can be seen by you and the enemy.
2. 'Outgoing!' is usually preceeded by 'incoming!'.
3. Your equipment has been manufactured by the lowest bidding contractor.
4. The phrase 'over by Christmas' has no sell by date.

On a lighter note:-

Never assume the follow-me vehicle and the marshaller at large middle eastern airfields have actually seen the obstruction by the port wing.

When s*itting in the aircraft toilet ensure blue bag or fluid present.

Air Traffic services in-theatre may be provided by persons who have no grasp of the English language, have poor eyesight and hearing, suffer from co-ordination problems, probably haven't done an area radar course and will try to hold you off or vector you and your crew over the latest TIC/SAFIRE event.

Keep up the good work!

Living the Dream:ok:

When you are lying in the hospital bed the day after your suspected heart attack.

DONT under any circumstances ask for a sausage bap for Breakfast.
A] You'll only get porridge - without salt or sugar :eek::eek:
B] The nurses will then take great delight in letting you know how good the bap they had for breakfast was.:{:{:{:{

Thanks to all at Ninewells for the treatment I did receive:D:D:D

When you have spent 3 years at uni whooping it up with the other young and beautifuls, then passed 'Cranners' with flying colours, don't go into dinner on day 1 of your hold at a big unit and ask the Pilot Officer (in refined tones) "What are you holding for then?"

That might just make the 2 x Flt Lts at the end of the table almost choke on their dinner, remind the fresh Fg Off that non-graduates also joined the RAF, the said Plt Off had been there for a couple of years and they had also had the honour of being SPOs etc etc etc. Sustained banter. Chips on shoulders, but oh so beautifully balanced. They (sort of) looked after me.

If you are looking for a posting try your tried and tested escape strategy from a well known multi national Tornado unit?

Hope you are as well as can be expected, and don't forget to keep your own copy of the accident report and who it went to, it may prove useful in the future..........

Rgds

Rat, sinking ship, deserting for the use of.

On return from a det pop in to see the new boss. You feel a little bemused by his "you've just been on holiday for 4 months, and now you want leave too?" tone.

Don't on any account leave his office and vocalise your inner thoughts on the 'tosser' to the admin guy without checking your 'six'.:E

When your AOC askes you whether his comment on 'bla blah blah' hit the right note at the Ladies guest night last friday, dont respond, I'm sure it did boss but I was too busy watching Lord Craig fall asleep!;)

Mr C said;
When you have spent 3 years at uni whooping it up with the other young and beautifuls, then passed 'Cranners' with flying colours, don't go into dinner on day 1 of your hold at a big unit and ask the Pilot Officer (in refined tones) "What are you holding for then?"

That might just make the 2 x Flt Lts at the end of the table almost choke on their dinner, remind the fresh Fg Off that non-graduates also joined the RAF, the said Plt Off had been there for a couple of years and they had also had the honour of being SPOs etc etc etc. Sustained banter. Chips on shoulders, but oh so beautifully balanced. They (sort of) looked after me.

I am so glad they (sort of) looked after you...........because you sound like a complete buffoon and probably needed looking after. I take it because you are a grad then you think everyone else has a chip on their shoulders???

Grads????? Lighthouses in the desert spring to mind.

Tip No 7: Never trust Grads............they have been tainted and turn into Mr C.

When at an overseas RAF unit, don't believe the first answer you get when you ask for the number for the bowser pool. After many rings of the phone (and you cursing that the bowser pool is suposed to be manned 24/7) the phone is answered by the stashie's wife who has just got out of the bath to answer the phone. Much merriment all round.

1. When stuck on New Year's Eve QRA at Wattisham, don't think it's a top idea to ring you oppos on Battle Flight at Wilders at midnight to wish them a Happy New Year......without first remembering the time zone difference!

'twas 'BK' who did it! And the response he got from Wildenrath was less than thankful...."It f*cking was an hour ago, you c***!" was the response from the other end of the Red Phone.

2. When the Staish has pinched your trip (again) and has taken his driver flying for a few hours in the Vickers FunBus, leaving his sun roof open and the keys in his pocket, don't try to be kind when the TEMPO1317 025CB 2000SHRA turns up on cue by taping some black polythene over the gap without first checking what type of sticky tape you've used....
"How the f*** do we get it off again", was MT flight's later query.

3. NEVER let a navigator drive the hire car!

Strictly Jungly. I was the Pilot Officer.

Never change your mind on a backhand (squash)
Never drink a woman slim :eek:
Never take your girlfriend to happy hour and then get off with one of her best friends in the phone booth. :ugh:

Gentlemen. Never iron naked

Mr C,

Please pass the July 16 2008 Feckwit award to me...........:sad:

1. Never accept a challenge to a game of 'fans' in Cyprus.
2. Don't believe you are going home until you walk through your front door.
3. Never rely on MT
4. There are two theories to arguing with women, Neither one works.
5. You can make any lie believable by starting it with the words "In America".

Tip-top Tips
 

1. Everything has a pK of 1 if it hits you.
2. Waking to find that you re-painted your cabin in an interesting shade of 'red wine' reminds you that you may have over-done it the night before
3. Asking the Flight Commander (Lynx) where he was 'in-the-picture- obviously-taken-from-the-helicopter' makes you look like an idiot
4. Never go to sea in anything that doesn't have at least two gas turbines and two stewards
5. Deciding, at 4 in the morning, to get navigationally curious (after a skinfull) is not a good reason to climb 9 decks and ask the Officer of the Watch (PMT girl) "where are we", whilst munching cheese you stole from the HODs fridge (Scapegoat!)
6. Better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6
7. 'Tis a dumb idea to go down with a full magazine - (according to SO19..):E

On a holding post in Ops at Gutersloh with a grand total of 5 minutes in the RAF never bother to call the Staish when you get a phone call telling you that 2 VIP 'packs' are arriving in half an hour. (That's interesting I thought as I walked out of said Staishes office that the military the use of PAX for real people)........:rolleyes:

Never pick your nose in severe turbulence.

Never kick your dog in the testicles when it has got your fingers in its mouth.