...as much use as a fart in a bottle.

If you can't fix it, f*ck it, so no other f*cker can fix it.

If sh*t were brains, he wouldn't have enough to wipe his a*se

If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill a smartie.


As much use as a concrete parachute

If his brain exploded his beret wouldn't come off.

If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined.

Drill Sgt at Cranditz:
"I'll kick you up the arse so fakkin 'ard you'll be ****tin' Kiwi for the next nine months, Sah!"

This was also stated by a French POW in Colditz

So confused he didn't know whether he wanted a 5h1t or a haircut!

If it floats, flies or fcuks, you're better off renting it !

Not a saying but a first hand account -
Telephones back in the 70s RAF (and no doubt earlier & later) had a sticker on them stating: Speech On This Telephone Is Not Secure. A disheartened soul had scraped off some letters so that it read Speech On This Telephone Is No cure...

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege.

This thread is titled 'Amusing Sayings' - not adolescent smut.

NutLoose, your posts are particularly crude.

It would be a funny old world if we were all amused by the same thing. But it's a funny old world anyway.

As useful as a chocolate teapot

As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike

Sorry, that one has lost its veracity:

Chocolate teapot proves useful - BBC News

"As funny as a fart in church".


Now, who hasn't sniggered at that?

If I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you.

That's not in the least bit amusing...

CG

When describing the skirt worn by a particularly large WREN:

"I haven't seen that much canvas since Victory was undergoing sea trials"