I used to work with a SNCO who took great delight in saying the following:

"I should stick my D#ck in your ear and F### some sense into you".

Normally aimed at somebody who had done something stupid.

I've always found "Why don't you go and stick your nose up a dead bear's bum?" to be quite effective. Some people haven't spoken to me in years...

One of our many Sqn Ldrs was deskbound due to a slipped disc and excused flying. At various intervals during the day people using different voices rang his office asking a a (non-existent) Fg Off Maloney. The Sqn Ldr, being polite and efficient, said not but offered to take a message. At 1655 he was rung by a pretend Fg Off Maloney who asked if there had been any calls/messages for him!

Having handed-over to my relief on completing my very last shift as Ops Watchkeeper at the Joint Air Tasking & Operations Cell at HQNI, the phone rang before I could get to the door. As my oppo hadn't quite woken-up completely I answered with;

"JATOC, good morning. We've mini-choppers, hoppa-choppers, choppers with guns, some that are tits-on-sticks in the shed, and a big chopper that runs this joint."

"Sgt O, this is Flt Lt B*******. As the bloke who 'runs this joint' I just thought I'd call to wish you well in civilian life."

A colleague was starting duty at a new location on his birthday, which happened to be the same as mine. I organised for all the females in our office to ring his new location early in the morning, and leave lovey-dovey happy birthday messages for him with the switchboard.
Always help a mate out by establishing his reputation ahead of him.;)