Never fly with a full bladder
The pesky bladder
Twice my bladder has caused me concern whilst airborne.
The first time was a formation transit from Souda Bay to Ancona in a Jaguar.
As we taxied I had a niggling suspicion that I should have gone for another wee (I always pee before donning g pants but after the walk round I felt like I could go again). As we got to the holding point I really needed to go but thought I could handle the 90 minute transit.
An inbound passenger aircraft with an emergency meant we held for about 30 minutes before finally departing. I should have unstrapped then but didn’t want to hold up our departure.
The following flight was agony and is the only time I have ever put pins in, unstrapped airborne and had mini-Bob in a pee bag.
The problem was, psychologically I couldn’t make myself pee even though I was in bladder twitching agony. So I resolved to wet myself. But I couldn’t even do that.
So after turning my g pants off for the break (I didn’t want anything squeezing my bladder) we landed, missed the right turn to dispersal and had to vacate left and wait to cross the active.
So to all those people watching the formation of Britain’s finest at Ancona airport in 2005, that guy who relieved himself over the side of a Jaguar with engines running was me.
The second time my bladder let me down was over South Dakota in a Hawk on a transit from Chicago to Rapid City.
My bladder caused an unplanned diversion to a place called Mitchell, South Dakota. Look it up! There’s not much there but we discovered, after landing, that they did have jet fuel and we ended up with a fine lunch in town.
I try to stay close to base now and drink less water!
BV
The first time was a formation transit from Souda Bay to Ancona in a Jaguar.
As we taxied I had a niggling suspicion that I should have gone for another wee (I always pee before donning g pants but after the walk round I felt like I could go again). As we got to the holding point I really needed to go but thought I could handle the 90 minute transit.
An inbound passenger aircraft with an emergency meant we held for about 30 minutes before finally departing. I should have unstrapped then but didn’t want to hold up our departure.
The following flight was agony and is the only time I have ever put pins in, unstrapped airborne and had mini-Bob in a pee bag.
The problem was, psychologically I couldn’t make myself pee even though I was in bladder twitching agony. So I resolved to wet myself. But I couldn’t even do that.
So after turning my g pants off for the break (I didn’t want anything squeezing my bladder) we landed, missed the right turn to dispersal and had to vacate left and wait to cross the active.
So to all those people watching the formation of Britain’s finest at Ancona airport in 2005, that guy who relieved himself over the side of a Jaguar with engines running was me.
The second time my bladder let me down was over South Dakota in a Hawk on a transit from Chicago to Rapid City.
My bladder caused an unplanned diversion to a place called Mitchell, South Dakota. Look it up! There’s not much there but we discovered, after landing, that they did have jet fuel and we ended up with a fine lunch in town.
I try to stay close to base now and drink less water!
BV
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And countrymen used to pee on the fire at home in order to damp it down for the night.
At least one of them continued the habit into old age, until he went to a residential home, woke up in the night, and peed on an electric fire they had left on for him . . . .
True story.
At least one of them continued the habit into old age, until he went to a residential home, woke up in the night, and peed on an electric fire they had left on for him . . . .
True story.
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Some 40 years ago, when I worked for MOD, I was involved in a field trial in Germany. One of the squaddies - despite the abundance of trees he could have aimed at - had a pee against the side of his APC, at which point his NCO gave him a good talking-to, explaining in no uncertain terms that Ronny REME would check the vehicle, think it was an oil leak, dip his finger in and lick it to confirm it was oil...
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.............I was a keen bell ringer, achieving a goodly number of Quarter Peals all over Lincolnshire ...... 45 minutes of concentrated mental and physical effort, and dedicated teamwork in a six or eight person team............before the first Quarter many years ago, I needed a pee round the back of the church..............
There was a story [I hope not true] that a peal was completed in these parts some 30 years ago with the tenor having mistaken gas for semi-solids. The conductor insisted that the band finished the task in hand. My true story involved number four losing his trousers, to reveal blue shreddies. He always wore braces thereafter.
The Whirlwind 10s in SAR was once fitted with a pee tube that ran into a bag in the cabin. A trick that could have been used was to wait until the operator was just about to finish and then bang a size ten boot on it.
It never happened; honest.
It never happened; honest.
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Many years ago, 1950s, a Valiant was making a first tour around America. At one airfield, and I have a feeling it was Honolulu, there was a high powered reception committee. The captain briefed the crew, when we stop, let me get out of my flying suit the open the door and I will get out first. They duly stopped, the door open, the band struck up, and "there was a little flash of khaki, and there was Arkie, down the ladder, to the main wheel and . . " Well you can imagine the rest.
DV windows
Disembarked in Singapore during the Malaysian campaign of the 1960s gave us plenty of time for "war stories". One, which I believe to be true, recounted a night flight in a vampire while under training. Said pilot needed a pee and decided to do it into his glove. Now what? I know. Open the DV window and chuck it out! OOPS! Said liquid ended up frozen on the inside of the cockpit!
I spent a few years flying a DC6 firebombing. The mid cabin emergency door was hinged on the forward side. If you needed a mid flight pee you just popped the lock and the door floated open a few inches with a nice vacuum at the opening. Whip it out and the stream went into the gap and disappeared with nothing on the airframe. Worked great until the, rather heavy and not very fit, other crew member decided to go for wizz when we were coming home on top at 16,000 ft in an area with a 15,000 ft MSA. He did not take a walk around bottle and passed out by the emergency door. Now we operated this as a 2 crew airplane with no autopilot so this was not a good situation. Fortunately it was smooth air and the good old 6 was wonderfully stable so I was able to run back with the walk around bottle slam it on his face and then run back to my seat with the airplane still flying along nice and straight.
The guy was pissed at me because I hurt his nose during my very enthusiast application of the O2 mask.
The guy was pissed at me because I hurt his nose during my very enthusiast application of the O2 mask.
"Mildly" Eccentric Stardriver
True story. Trislander, North Sea ops. A long time on the ground in Norway, too many cups of coffee. Nice headwind on the way back to Aberdeen, and P-hour was going to be before ETA. Those who know the Trislander will know it's an open-plan aeroplane. We had a bar-box on row 2, so I treated all the passengers to a shot of whisky. leaving a half-full bottle. That was emptied into the (company) thermos, and, with the F.O. muttering "disgusting", said empty bottle was soon filled. A great relief, but there was a twist to the tale. I was honest, and declared the half-thermos of whisky to the lady customs officer, who charged me duty on it "to discourage crews bringing in alcohol". I honestly couldn't explain the extenuating circumstances. 
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I once heard a story of a Vulcan crew on a trans-Atlantic landaway. The Nav (Radar or Plotter) used his pee-bottle on the way to Canada, then stowed it under his desk.
On the way back he needed to use it again, but realised he forgot to empty it, so with the sub-zero temps at altitude, found himself with a large ice-pop!!!
On the way back he needed to use it again, but realised he forgot to empty it, so with the sub-zero temps at altitude, found himself with a large ice-pop!!!
This law is still in effect today for London hackney carriage drivers but I suspect another law would see them marched off to the pokey!
CC
Neither end of the route had a public convenience. Urinating as described above was routine, allegedly legal..
A tad awkward if the little old ladies clambered on the bus before the todger was deployed, but needs must.
JetBlast member 2005.
JetBlast member 2006.
Banned 2007
JetBlast member 2006.
Banned 2007
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I was hauling freight one night in a C402 when they guy with me said he just HAD to take a dump. So he unbuckled, picked up a cardboard box, went back and after a few seconds there was a horrifically disgusting smell in the cabin. Seriously, it was a paint peeler and I have NO IDEA how the smell made it forward given the age of the airframe and the amount of airflow through all the leaks in the cabin
I have to say I was tempted to haul back on the yoke, figuring that would make him weigh a little bit more than normal with the obvious consequences, but hey I'd probably have to fly with him again, so I held off on that one
When we landed he shoved the cardboard box, with the evidence into a regular bin on the edge of the apron near the terminal building. I'm not sure what else he could have done tbh, but still, what about the poor b@st@rd who had to empty the bin . . .
I have to say I was tempted to haul back on the yoke, figuring that would make him weigh a little bit more than normal with the obvious consequences, but hey I'd probably have to fly with him again, so I held off on that one
When we landed he shoved the cardboard box, with the evidence into a regular bin on the edge of the apron near the terminal building. I'm not sure what else he could have done tbh, but still, what about the poor b@st@rd who had to empty the bin . . .
Glider pilots have given this matter considerable attention since once you get really serious about the sport and take on the challenges it presents, long flights are almost always involved. In the early days you simply hung on and drank as little as possible. More recently, adequate hydration is the go, and so more attention has been given to the technicalities of getting rid of the end product. Goog' provides quite a useful series of writings and discussion on the matter:
https://www.google.com/search?client...lider+pee+tube
(Stop laughing, this is serious ... )
https://www.google.com/search?client...lider+pee+tube
(Stop laughing, this is serious ... )
Once knew a USAF exchange pilot who in a previous existence had been a FAC in Vietnam flying the push-pull Cessna. Inevitably, on one longish sortie, Motezumas Revenge set in and he really had to dump. Enterprisingly, he used the rather natty bone dome bag he had. After landing, he left said bag outside the line hut whilst signing in, equalling inevitable the bag was nicked by a local. You can only surmise the surprise when the thief opened his prize.
4 ship Lightning tailchase, in winter, all wearing goon suits with the old style attached boots. Walking in, No 4 seems to be treading warily. Seems that with the first hefty pull, the g-suit hit his bladder with the unfortunate after effect of filling his boots (not in a good sense).
4 ship Lightning tailchase, in winter, all wearing goon suits with the old style attached boots. Walking in, No 4 seems to be treading warily. Seems that with the first hefty pull, the g-suit hit his bladder with the unfortunate after effect of filling his boots (not in a good sense).
Last edited by Audax; 12th Apr 2020 at 05:51.