Dining In, Dining Out and Mess Fun
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Scene - Moscow Camp in Northern Ireland, the home of the RN at that time. It's Tarranto Night and the SNO has invited the Secretary of State for NI, the GOC and many other luminaries. Oh, and he has invited a slack handful of naval aviators currently on det at Aldergove. Everyone (except one sub lieutenant pilot!) is assembled in the anteroom, in their finery, before going in to dinner. The door opens, and in rolls a large cabbage, fizzing slightly. It reaches well into the room, and everyone turns to see what it is. The thunderflash, which had been inserted in it, goes off with a huge bang, and everyone is now wearing coleslaw! Subbie was thown out of the mess forthwith.
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1 Group Dinner
P-N: I too was there and remember it well . But I think the 2000 post you dug up exaggerates it a bit. My overriding memory was of the C in C being barracked as soon as he stood up to speak. There were a lot of dignataries on the top table including the Lord Lieutenant of Lincolnshire and a senior cleric (the Bishop of Lincoln, I think). it must have been accutely embarassing for the host, AOC 1 Group, as he witnessed his career going down the tubes.
The next morning we were all summoned to the briefing room at the Ops block where the Station Commander (Gp Capt Mawer) delivered a dressing down - not with any great conviction, as I recall.
A pedant writes: O-D: The AOC was AVM Stapleton, a rather austere South African, and not Gus Walker. Walker was AOC in the late 50's and was well liked. Due to a wartime accident he had only one arm, but amazingly flew the Vulcan with the aid of a special contraption.
P-N: I too was there and remember it well . But I think the 2000 post you dug up exaggerates it a bit. My overriding memory was of the C in C being barracked as soon as he stood up to speak. There were a lot of dignataries on the top table including the Lord Lieutenant of Lincolnshire and a senior cleric (the Bishop of Lincoln, I think). it must have been accutely embarassing for the host, AOC 1 Group, as he witnessed his career going down the tubes.
The next morning we were all summoned to the briefing room at the Ops block where the Station Commander (Gp Capt Mawer) delivered a dressing down - not with any great conviction, as I recall.
A pedant writes: O-D: The AOC was AVM Stapleton, a rather austere South African, and not Gus Walker. Walker was AOC in the late 50's and was well liked. Due to a wartime accident he had only one arm, but amazingly flew the Vulcan with the aid of a special contraption.
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
RC, I stand by whatever I wrote 
We too received a bollocking, as directed by the AOC. Naturally none of his officers would have been so bad. The AOC had also been concerned that a large floral shield depicting the 1 Gp badge had gone missing. It had been planned as a major exhibit at the Bawtry flower show or some such.
No one knew where it had gone.
The odd carnation in front of the mess at Cottesmore must have been dropped quite coincidentally.
PS,
The carnations did not stain my No 1 trousers at all. And it wasn't me anyway.
We too received a bollocking, as directed by the AOC. Naturally none of his officers would have been so bad. The AOC had also been concerned that a large floral shield depicting the 1 Gp badge had gone missing. It had been planned as a major exhibit at the Bawtry flower show or some such.
No one knew where it had gone.
The odd carnation in front of the mess at Cottesmore must have been dropped quite coincidentally.
PS,
The carnations did not stain my No 1 trousers at all. And it wasn't me anyway.
Sawing Tables
Marham in the Victor (55 Sqn) / Tornado (27 + 617 Sqns) era. The standard banter from the Tornado sqns was that 55 Sqn were all knackered old farts. Therefore at a station dining-in 55 Sqn laid down a challenge to the young Tornado whipper-snappers. Towards the end of proceedings, two of the youngest and least-wizened old crones produced a two-man lumberjack's saw and set about cutting their leg of the table in half. This they achieved in reasonably quick time, given their relatively advanced age and the thickness of the Mess tables, and enquired whether either of the Tornado sqns could do better. The sqns rose to the challenge, each finding two strong young men to cut through their own tables in turn, both in quicker time than 55 Sqn. Yet more "old fogey" banter was heaped upon the old men in the bar afterwards.
On the following Monday the sqn cdrs were summoned to the Stn Cdr's office. They knew what was coming, and were equipped with cheques from the Sqn Officers' Funds to pay for new Mess tables. Noticing that OC 55 was absent, the other two sqn cdrs asked the Stn Cdr where he was. "He is not here because 55 Sqn replaced their leg of the table with a trestle table before the start of the dinner" came the answer. Truly a triumph of age and experience over youthful enthusiasm - with a hefty dollop of treachery for good measure!
On the following Monday the sqn cdrs were summoned to the Stn Cdr's office. They knew what was coming, and were equipped with cheques from the Sqn Officers' Funds to pay for new Mess tables. Noticing that OC 55 was absent, the other two sqn cdrs asked the Stn Cdr where he was. "He is not here because 55 Sqn replaced their leg of the table with a trestle table before the start of the dinner" came the answer. Truly a triumph of age and experience over youthful enthusiasm - with a hefty dollop of treachery for good measure!
Last edited by Easy Street; 11th Nov 2011 at 18:14.
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One such episode which I can mention with some authority, although if pressed will admit that it's just hearsay ("your honour") is regarding an event at a RAF training base in the 1980s where a Friday night Dining in was made a three line whip as such events were far from popular.
Said Officer went apoplectic and threatened all sorts of charges. The joke was kept going until Plod turned up when it was pointed out that no actual harm had been done to the Officer's jalopy. Tiger Tim who was the Staish at the time found it all most amusing!
O/T but almost as funny was the saga of the 'Minute steaks' in that Mess. It turned out later that the Mess Manager was on the fiddle and buying in cheap, rubbish meat, but I digress.
One learned that if steak was on the menu to avoid it like the plague. All that is except for one student (who later went Helos) who kept having the steak in the hope that he would eventually get a half decent one. After several attempts he wrote a rather 'pointed' comment in the Messing Suggestions Book that the steaks would be better used for re-soling DMS boots and was roundly criticised for it by the Mess Sec, to whit the Messing Suggestions Book was not the place for complaints, and that there was no evidence that there was anything wrong with the steaks.
The next time steak was on the menu our hero tried again, whilst the rest of us had fish.
Upon biting in to a morsel, he went red in the face, muttered 'Right!' under his breath and strode out of the Dining Room with the offending steak in his hand.
We later found out that he had stapled the offending item into the Messing Suggestions Book with the comment: 'Here's your bloody evidence!'
IIIRC he got a week's Orderly Officer.
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Doing it hard in the colonies
Everyone in the NZ Army know the legend of Captain Teddy Brooker - Ex Veitnam Chopper pilot and turret head. One mess night he stole a Walker Bulldog Medium tank, parked it outside the Old Officers Mess in Waiouru, poked the barrel through the window. Gave everyone a sporting chance and let rip with a blank.
Nuse sitting on the barrel when it went off, got the ride of her life and significant burns. Mess was internally wrecked. What I didnt find out about this commonly known yarn was that a friend of mine's Dad was down the corridor in the toilets and when the blank went off the ladies toilet door was blown off and completely crushed a cubicle, thankfully with no one in it.
Nuse sitting on the barrel when it went off, got the ride of her life and significant burns. Mess was internally wrecked. What I didnt find out about this commonly known yarn was that a friend of mine's Dad was down the corridor in the toilets and when the blank went off the ladies toilet door was blown off and completely crushed a cubicle, thankfully with no one in it.
We later found out that he had stapled the offending item into the Messing Suggestions Book with the comment: 'Here's your bloody evidence!'
A few days later, the Messing Suggestions book was noted to be not quite closed flush. Upon inspection, a 'suggestion' was found which stated: "Sir, I suggest that this previously unknown creature be sent to the Natural History Museum for evaluation, since I am assured that it is NOT a common cockroach." On the opposite page, secured under some fablon, was a grimly struggling cockroach.......
Cost my old chum Dick "Whizzbang" W***l**e a few days OO, that did!
One other 'suggestion' which I recall was "Sir, suggest that Brie, Stilton and other fine cheeses appear on the menu on occasions other than today's visit by the Mayor of Grantham".....
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Sawing Tables
Marham in the Victor (55 Sqn) / Tornado (27 + 617 Sqns) era.
Marham in the Victor (55 Sqn) / Tornado (27 + 617 Sqns) era.
Picture, if you will, a secret base in the far South West operating a type that is, sadly, no longer with us, in support of Dark Blue interests.
One resident Sqn plus the OCU gives the game away, but Dining Nights always involved attendance by members of a Dark Blue 'sister' Flying Sqn (from a base even further West), with each Sqn and Stn Wg sitting at their own tables. The Dining Night in question was the last time that Units were permitted to occupy their own tables.
Previous to the Dining Night in question, a certain Scottish Navigator had been banned from the Mess for a year for calling the Staish a 'c***' and there was a fair degree of resentment about this from members of the resident Sqn, nor least, the Officer's on that crew.
Co-Pilot of said Crew decides to play a jolly jape by sawing a table in half midway through the speeches. With a cry of 'Boring!' he leaps from his chair, grabs a chainsaw that he had secreted under the table, and promptly saws the table in half.
Not to be outdone the FAA friends think 'This is a good idea', grab the chainsaw and promptly saw their table in half.
Unfortunately for the FAA, the RAF 'table' was, in fact' a piece of block-board placed above the joint between two separate tables.
Ooops!
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Been thinking about this request for stories... It might be a great idea to publish a book of these, with proceeds going to the RAF Ben Fund and Help For Heroes....
What do you think ?
The more stories the better.
Many thanks
Bob Archer
What do you think ?
The more stories the better.
Many thanks
Bob Archer
Top Table Tales
And, oh look, here's the January 2000 version at Post 11 by Jensen in a thread with a very intriguing title:
http://www.pprune.org/military-aircr...tml#post445596
Can't be bothered looking? Oh well, it's Friday night, it's late, so here it is:
"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at dining-in nights. On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better. Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces. After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.
Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”
Always a pleasure to help those who wear a lighter shade of blue!
Jack
http://www.pprune.org/military-aircr...tml#post445596
Can't be bothered looking? Oh well, it's Friday night, it's late, so here it is:
"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at dining-in nights. On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better. Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces. After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.
Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”
Always a pleasure to help those who wear a lighter shade of blue!
Jack
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
The Dining Night in question was the last time that Units were permitted to occupy their own tables.
. It had been arranged that no two seats would be occupied by someone from the same station. We were placed where we were told. All that is except for BCBS. They had the seating plan and were able to pick and chose, not by name but by unit.I think the idea was that a Cottesmore matey could sit with others from Cottesmore. I think to a man all they did was chose to sit by someone from Nocton Hall
Again that is another tale.
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Gp Capt Mawer / Thread Drift
Post 22, if that gentleman was latterly Air commodore AW Mawer, Air Comander Malta, he had a wry sense of humour. Found myself in his office one saturday lunchtime having conducted a tour of the extensive aviation fuel storage facilities at the behest of various NEAF starred luminaries. All had gone rather well, ACM invites the starred galaxy to take a pre-luncheon snifter. said VVIP's name their tipple, ACM looks to me, Iam somewhat Star struck and give the standard esponse of "G n T sir" - ACM smiles wryly and says " Philip, since you are a Flt Lt,and ex Cranwell, you might have taken the hint that my nod in your direction was not so much an invitation to imbibe, but more an indication that you should fill the glasses of these thirsty officers". I never did fathom how he knew my name, though he did hand me his aircrew watch when he departed to become the Chief Executive of Basildon new Town
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Royalties! You have to be joking.
This is how it works -
Book Price = £10
Publisher takes £9
Author gets £1
I know, I've done it already!
There's no money in it and if the poor old OP has to share his pound with every subscriber it will be a lot of effort for bu**er all reward - other than a book of fine stories (of which I am preserving mine for my memoirs!)
Foldie
PS. Unless you are JK Rowling, of course!
This is how it works -
Book Price = £10
Publisher takes £9
Author gets £1
I know, I've done it already!
There's no money in it and if the poor old OP has to share his pound with every subscriber it will be a lot of effort for bu**er all reward - other than a book of fine stories (of which I am preserving mine for my memoirs!)
Foldie
PS. Unless you are JK Rowling, of course!
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above. While it is a good dining in night tale it has nothing to do with the 25th Anniversary Dining-in night of ill repute in 1965.
AOC 3 Gp had been planning to hold a similar extravaganza, probably at Marham, later that year. He received a phone call with the sucinct message "Forget it!".
As mentioned, Stapleton's career came to an abrupt stop. He completed his tour and became Commandant of the RAF Staff College. Other commandants became ACM and Marshal of the RAF.
AOC 3 Gp had been planning to hold a similar extravaganza, probably at Marham, later that year. He received a phone call with the sucinct message "Forget it!".
As mentioned, Stapleton's career came to an abrupt stop. He completed his tour and became Commandant of the RAF Staff College. Other commandants became ACM and Marshal of the RAF.
Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above.
No worries, PN but in the words of the prophet, please don't shoot the messenger!
If you would kindly reread Post 30, you will see that I was simply quoting Jensen, whose opening words were:
"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect ....." and 11years on you effectively have, whether a witness or not.
However, since he hasn't posted since February 2003, Jensen may not get the message.
Jack
No worries, PN but in the words of the prophet, please don't shoot the messenger!
If you would kindly reread Post 30, you will see that I was simply quoting Jensen, whose opening words were:"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect ....." and 11years on you effectively have, whether a witness or not.
However, since he hasn't posted since February 2003, Jensen may not get the message.
Jack
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Dining In Night Stuff
Sector Dining In night - Leeming in the early-mid eighties - THAT table - carrier deck landings (who forgot to remove their waistcoat?). A night to remember and a large bill to have the table top skimmed and repolished!. CB
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Dining In, Dining Out and Mess Fun
thanks for the replies so far. I was thinking. Maybe this could be compiled into a book to raise money for the RAF Benevolent Fund and Help For Heroes. What do you all think. I certainly don't mind compiling the stories.
These hillarious activities could well go toward raising much needed funds.
Keep the stories coming... But please add the appropriate air station, and an approximation of the date.
There must be some from overseas RAF stations...Come on Germanyy, Middle East, Cyprus, Tengah,Butterworth, and maybe Nellis... There must be some great tales from deployment to Decci, Malta, North Africa, and all points west.
How about some good old piano destruction, and maybe a few car fires ??
Best wishes
Bob
These hillarious activities could well go toward raising much needed funds.
Keep the stories coming... But please add the appropriate air station, and an approximation of the date.
There must be some from overseas RAF stations...Come on Germanyy, Middle East, Cyprus, Tengah,Butterworth, and maybe Nellis... There must be some great tales from deployment to Decci, Malta, North Africa, and all points west.
How about some good old piano destruction, and maybe a few car fires ??
Best wishes
Bob
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
I was playing the ball not the man.
Now I shall play the man. In my post #72 on the original thread, albeit 4 years after the OP, I refuted Jensen's post. I was simply trying to stop it being perpetuated once more. Admittedly he may have been confused with the take over of 3 Group by the premier Group.