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SHFNI Stories!

Old 18th Dec 2009, 21:36
  #41 (permalink)  
 
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Damn these are good yarns - I am so sad I never had the mis-pleasure. It sounds to me like you were the last bastion of the real airforce - work (fairly hard) play really hard.
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Old 18th Dec 2009, 21:36
  #42 (permalink)  
 
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I didn't realise the forestry commission got involved. If it was the same job as mine above, it was Lance with the fire axe!!
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Old 18th Dec 2009, 21:38
  #43 (permalink)  
lsh
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Twas on the mighty Wessex mate!
And I can name the crewman, rumour is that he carried a female passenger one day WITHOUT getting engaged to her!?
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Old 18th Dec 2009, 22:47
  #44 (permalink)  
 
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Ish - you are a bad boy...

Remember the mighty fat one called 'Blobby'? Oh how we [email protected] him off and embarrassed him at the Sqn lunch in the Mess when his 'fatness' stood up to give a pompous speech when a blow up (inflated) Mr Blobby popped out from the ceilling tile behind him and whilst it dangled around the ceiling everyone larfed and he got redder and redder - oh wonderful stuff!!

Remember the Blobby load - painted pink with yellow spots....Christ what a stack of stories one could tell......and I might let a few cats out of the bag...having been in the place on and off since 1969 with multitudinous 6-week dets on Wessex, Pumas and Chinooks until final 2-year tour on Wessex ending 1995...priceless but what fun it was...Nobby you were a complete star..

PS: Can I have my hat back please..
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Old 18th Dec 2009, 23:10
  #45 (permalink)  

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Chris To**e calling Aldergrove approach telling them he would be in the hover for 30 mins at 11000ft and OC230 hearing the call. We had hypoxia lectures for the next week and it gave rise to the song 'Ground Control to Major To*ne"
Having done that for many nights (although we never announced it on the radio) we finally got stood down because the aircraft went u/s. We retired for "a quiet Pimms"; of which I had never drunk more than one before. More people arrived and joined us outside, it was a rare, balmy night and rapidly a huge Pimms pi$$ up somehow developed ( I think we must have been buying), mainly on the small patio/path outside the bar window. We soon drank the mess dry of the stuff; gallons of it. Someone was sent out and more appeared from the NCOs mess. I vaguely remember deep stainless steel trays of the stuff being proffered from the bar window ledge.

Next day I woke with the world's worst hangover, still wearing my brand new white shirt. At that time it had become quite rare for me to be in civvies in the evenings, normally we were off to work then so I didn't usually get to drink much and I wasn't used to it. Staggering to the loo I realised my skin hurt. I looked in the mirror and saw I was covered in blood patches, front, rear and face, and my shirt had dozens of holes. I then noticed many thorns sticking out of the blood patches. I had allegedly tried to climb in through the bar window, someone moved the wall and I fell headfirst into the thorn hedge below, from where my colleagues thoughtfully pulled me out backwards after they had stopped laughing.

I was later advised that I should make a point of apologising to the Sqn Ldr (WRAF) dentist. I did and she told me that she had actually enjoyed the evening. Never did find exactly out what I was apologising for but I was too embarrassed to ever go for a dental check up in NI.

Ah yes, they were the days.

Last edited by ShyTorque; 18th Dec 2009 at 23:38. Reason: spelling's a bit rubbish
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Old 18th Dec 2009, 23:31
  #46 (permalink)  
 
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Cornish

It was an ace first tour...we certainly worked hard..1300hrs in two years...but my did we play hard too

Critical Mass in the bar

Setting fire to Matt N's chest hair

Stealing the AAC mess furniture during their dinner night...including some lovely paintings..then demanding a case of Champers to get it back..

Currently bored fartless in Turkey...please send me a jet...please
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Old 18th Dec 2009, 23:36
  #47 (permalink)  

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Currently bored fartless in Turkey...please send me a jet...please
Bearing in mind the season, didn't you mean to say:

"Currently bored fartless in jet...please send me a turkey...please.

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Old 18th Dec 2009, 23:39
  #48 (permalink)  
 
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 03:01
  #49 (permalink)  
 
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Hans Mun.... and Wayne G...... carrying loads to build the G outposts. Their crewman was the Nav Paul Wess** (Brain the size of Jupiter but the last in the queue for common sense). Working all morning dropping loads direct off the hook then had to use an 8 ft Strop (point of note: there was a techie sitting in back of aircraft). The normal routine of the boys was 'them up front' zoom in drop load get 'clear 'from the crewman and f**k off sharpish. This time they go in with the first load on the strop. Paul Wess** forgets what the string is for at the end of the strop (light line), and not knowing what else to do with it ties it around his wrist!!!!!! The techie is not on headset but is already alarmed by the blatant act of stupidity. The boys go in and drop the load and are steadyish in the hovver waiting for the crewman to say 'clear, get the **** outta here', but silence! What they cannot see is Paul has been dragged down the load pole hatch and only his legs from the calf up remain inside. Paul cannot tell them as he cannot reach his mictel lead switch. Paul also knows that any second the boys are just gonna go and it is not going to be good. The arm and the day were saved by the techie who unstrapped and tapped Hans on the shoulder and pointed down the back. Hans just sees Pauls feet sticking out the loadpole hatch Mayday.

That evening Paul got very drunk, going around the mess saying 'I nearly died today" we then find him asleep in a similar bush to the one Shytorque slept in in the post above. He was so disgruntled that we woke him up that when we got him back in the porta cabin he ran out of his room with a brown sealed envelope (he was going back to Gut the next day). He waves the envelope in front of Hans and me and screams 'you see these Sofarover, these are my medical docs, and in the morning I am going to tell the SMO that you did this....", he then proceeded to tear up his entire medical history whilst laughing and cackling! Hans and I exchange a stare and then pi** ourselves laughing. Our hero was seen the next morning at 7am, on his knees on the floor in the corridor with blood red eyes trying to celleotape together the 100 pieces of paper in front of him muttering the words, 'why am I such a tw*t sometimes"
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 15:59
  #50 (permalink)  
 
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...The dirty protest conducted by a 'little worse for wear' crewman...

...'Orange Whip'....

...Wall murals in 'The Street' ('British Bulldog' my favourite, well done Harry)...

...Stn Tannoy in the Street rewired to a hi-fi for parties...

...S*** G*** letting off an orange smoke in his room which changed the colour of the white melamine furniture...

...The bouncy castle tested to it's limit when jumped on from the roof of a portakabin...

..The Tricolour drink...

...The Disaster Bar-B-Q (Shitferbrains and my car written off)...

...Wessex Water Bombing...
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 16:26
  #51 (permalink)  
 
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Having flown many times as a passenger of the Wessex and Lynx picking us up from Carrickmore it's great to hear these tales.
Two questions,around 83-84 who bounced the wheel of the Wessex off the sangar roof at Carrickmore,scared the crap out of me as I was in it at the time,and there was one Wessex pilot who flew wearing brown cowboy boots, everyone strapped in rather tightly when we saw them as the flights were always "interesting"did everyone think he was nuts or was it just us.
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 17:01
  #52 (permalink)  
 
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Seafury, if that "dirty protest" was courtesy of the late DW I shared the bloody portakabin with him and boy did it whiff
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 17:31
  #53 (permalink)  
 
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Hueymeister.........

1300 hrs in 2-years - what took you so long?
Happy days for sure
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 17:40
  #54 (permalink)  

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RUCAWO, cowboy boots? Probably Lex and if so, yes, you were right in your worries .
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 17:53
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Knocking a tri-colour off the top of a telegraph pole for the troops near Y453. The next day a similar pole booby trapped went off like a rocket.

Duty Auth, phone call " one of you ac has crashed into river at L Derry!" No, just a bit of "low level" FOLA bridge dodging in the fog.

Crew fly back to ALD for late tea, leave later back on task, night engine fail! Safe on ground.....Medals No.. but a bit of fuel would be nice.

Chrimbo day night, OC 72 bends aerial on fenceY453. "That will have been you then!" He says.......Yes sir......I say. might get a good posting!

The glorious new paint scheme, Air defence grey shame they glowed in the dark, quick paint them black, blue any other colour.

etc etc
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 18:35
  #56 (permalink)  
 
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true story about 'Gentleman John' and Ken Dodd.......

Now this was in the 'good old Wessex days' in the 70's..........'Gentleman John' (GJ) was a thoroughly nice, well-mannered, Mr Perfect-type Wessex crewman tasked to act as crewman to a VIP namely THE Ken Dodd who was entertaining the troops around the province and 72 Sqn was tasked to fly him around.
GJ was the crewman for the various VIP trips (don't remember who the jockeys were). He was renowned for doing everything correctly.
eg on a VIP trip you were meant to close the door to reduce the amount of dust flying about the cabin, remain on the long lead within the cabin (a pain) and stay secured to the 'monkey harness' for the trip (why?).

The rest of us used to leave the door ajar to assist with the nav, unplug the long lead and plug into the short cabin lead, unhook the monkey harness and secure ourselves into a seat belt for the trip.

So whilst doing everything properly and correctly after takeoff, GJ closed the cabin door and sat forward of the door in the crewman's seat, remained on the long lead and stayed secured in his monkey harness attached to an anchor point under his seat.

Ken Dodd was sitting in the seat opposite the door.

They had climbed to about 500' when GJ decided he needed to look outside to help with the nav. As he lifted out of his seat forward of the door to change to the seat aft of the door, he used the cabin door jettison handle for extra leverage and surprise surprise the door jettisoned and out into the slipstream 10' below the aircraft was GJ swinging gaily outside the aircraft 500' above the NI greenery!!.

Being the correct person he was, his first reaction was to say:

''Crewman to Captain''
"Yes John?"
"I don't wish to alarm you...but I'm hanging under the aircraft!"
"Whaaat?"
"Yes the door jettisoned and I've fallen out of the aircraft! and I'm swinging underneath in my monkey harness"
"FFS!"

John then gave a very accurate height-only talk down into a farmer's field and walked out from under the aircraft just before the wheels touched!!

Ken Dodd was in a state of shock (understatement!) and grabbed John's chinagraph and wrote on his kneepad:
"I trust there will not be a repeat performance!"
Wasn't GJ lucky that he stayed on the long lead and the monkey harness otherewise it may have been a completely different ending!
Footnote: It is understood that Ken Dodd's hair style was a direct result of this incident.....

Last edited by Dundiggin'; 19th Dec 2009 at 19:14.
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 19:12
  #57 (permalink)  
lsh
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Were the "bus stop" and "waiter" in the radio bay also part of the "Doddy" affair?

Remember what was written on the hangar roof?
RAFP stood under it for years in blissful ignorance!

"Gibbo" was having a (nother!) bad day at the Yellows, overslept, woken by Ops.
Collects kit "on the hoof" as he passes: Rifle, LSJ, toolkit, navbag, helmet, etc, etc.
DA was "Challenger" and as "Gibbo" rushes past:
"Gibbo what time do you call this"?
"Bloody quick time Sir, I were asleep 10 minutes ago"
He settles into the back of the already running "cab", reclines on the seat and sleeps.
"It seemed like only a minute later and we were there, the troops opened the door, closed it, sat-down, strapped-in and tapped the pilot on the leg, then we took off"
Hardly surprising it "only seemed like a minute", it was!!
They were collecting the ARF from the camp at Aldergrove!

lsh
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 19:18
  #58 (permalink)  

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That reminds me of the spoof put on for the late Harry Secombe, also there to entertain the troops. This involved a "bus stop". the Wessex was landed somewhere in the middle of nowhere to pick up a "waiting passenger".

I can't remember the full details; can anyone recall the story?

Not in NI, but I was promised the task of flying the lovely Carolyn Seaward, who was "Miss Great Britain. She cried off and I got her replacement, Tommy Vance, who had been out on the lash with the staff at BMH Hanover. Not a pretty sight! He nearly crapped himself when we had a birdstrike and we landed to check the aircraft, and again when the nose bay black bodge tape started flapping against the panel like machine gun fire!
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 19:20
  #59 (permalink)  
 
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Ish .....

Naah, the "bus stop" and "waiter" malarky was with Harry Secombe and was hilarious but I've now got "scribblies' wrist"
I'll leave that to another time or to someone else who knows..........
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Old 19th Dec 2009, 19:25
  #60 (permalink)  
lsh
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"Scribblies wrist" eh..........!
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