Performance reports
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Performance reports
Since I get the hono(u)r of manning a desk in the Pentagon as a coffee boy for a senior USAF guy, one of my tasks is to write/process the endless performance reports on the personnel assigned.
Any good, humo(u)rous gems out there?
*(u) transfer provided to the UK cousins at no extra charge!
Any good, humo(u)rous gems out there?
*(u) transfer provided to the UK cousins at no extra charge!
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Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Muscat, Oman
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This officer has some good and original thoughts; the good are not original and the original are not good.
In spite of the fact that his records show to the contrary, he displays no signs of having ever attended an officers’ training school.
Bloggs is currently a potential officer, I see no reason for that to change.
When this pilot says he has control, he lies!
At one time RN officers were permitted to petition the Board of Admiralty regarding promotion. It is reported that that one officer wrote:
"In every promotion list there is one officer of whom all know him remark
“How on earth did he make it!" Your Lordships, I should like to be that
officer"
"This sortie often shows the limits of a student's capacity. If that was the only aim, it would have been a pass"
If ignorance really is bliss, then Officer Cadet F is the world's happiest person.
From the school master to the officers selection board -
"I'm afraid I can't recommend Bloggs to HM's armed services - in fact I'd
feel safer if he were on the other side".
Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
I would not breed from this Officer
Two successive entries in his 5000. The first read "Smith tends to breathe heavily during the final approach." The following day's entry read "Have joined Smith in breathing heavily during the final approach."
"Smith wholeheartedly agrees that he is a sycophantic individual......."
“You have lots of outstanding qualities and if there was a war you would be exactly the sort of chap that we would need. However, as it is, I cannot recommend your promotion to master aircrew and I'm issuing you with a formal warning"
He has the wisdom of youth and energy of old age.
"Bloggs exudes a level of confidence rarely matched by competence."
“Fg Off xxxxx has the knack of making strangers immediately…………
if you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one………
he would argue with a signpost”
"To entrust Bloggs with the command of even a wheelbarrow would be to take a serious risk; were he to be granted command of a mechanically propelled vehicle such as a bicycle, I would wish to be posted to another planet"
"We keep saying 'has potential' but if that doesn't start translating soon then I will just have to assume that you are actually crap"
Bloggs displayed the handling skills of a lorry driver and the airmanship of a u-boat commander
From the commercial world, "I feel that Bloggs' undoubted talents, whatever they may be, would be better deployed in a different sized bank. A much larger bank, a larger bank, a smaller bank or a much smaller bank, any of these would be suitable."
"By pressing the aircraft start button, F/O ******* sets in motion a sequence of events over which he has little control".
In spite of the fact that his records show to the contrary, he displays no signs of having ever attended an officers’ training school.
Bloggs is currently a potential officer, I see no reason for that to change.
When this pilot says he has control, he lies!
At one time RN officers were permitted to petition the Board of Admiralty regarding promotion. It is reported that that one officer wrote:
"In every promotion list there is one officer of whom all know him remark
“How on earth did he make it!" Your Lordships, I should like to be that
officer"
"This sortie often shows the limits of a student's capacity. If that was the only aim, it would have been a pass"
If ignorance really is bliss, then Officer Cadet F is the world's happiest person.
From the school master to the officers selection board -
"I'm afraid I can't recommend Bloggs to HM's armed services - in fact I'd
feel safer if he were on the other side".
Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
I would not breed from this Officer
Two successive entries in his 5000. The first read "Smith tends to breathe heavily during the final approach." The following day's entry read "Have joined Smith in breathing heavily during the final approach."
"Smith wholeheartedly agrees that he is a sycophantic individual......."
“You have lots of outstanding qualities and if there was a war you would be exactly the sort of chap that we would need. However, as it is, I cannot recommend your promotion to master aircrew and I'm issuing you with a formal warning"
He has the wisdom of youth and energy of old age.
"Bloggs exudes a level of confidence rarely matched by competence."
“Fg Off xxxxx has the knack of making strangers immediately…………
if you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one………
he would argue with a signpost”
"To entrust Bloggs with the command of even a wheelbarrow would be to take a serious risk; were he to be granted command of a mechanically propelled vehicle such as a bicycle, I would wish to be posted to another planet"
"We keep saying 'has potential' but if that doesn't start translating soon then I will just have to assume that you are actually crap"
Bloggs displayed the handling skills of a lorry driver and the airmanship of a u-boat commander
From the commercial world, "I feel that Bloggs' undoubted talents, whatever they may be, would be better deployed in a different sized bank. A much larger bank, a larger bank, a smaller bank or a much smaller bank, any of these would be suitable."
"By pressing the aircraft start button, F/O ******* sets in motion a sequence of events over which he has little control".
"To entrust Bloggs with the command of even a wheelbarrow would be to take a serious risk; were he to be granted command of a mechanically propelled vehicle such as a bicycle, I would wish to be posted to another planet"
That was one of mine - who pinched it?
One of my favourites,told to me by our CFI, was "When this student says he has control, he lies!"...
Although I did once write "It would undoubtedly be considerably simpler to teach a pig to ride a bicycle than to teach this student to land a Bulldog in a crosswind".
Some idiot once wrote "Bloggs is one of nature's bachelors", thinking that this was a charitable way of describing the character of the drinking, whoring rip **** about whom he was writing. Wrong - because the ignorant ex-grammar school oik didn't realise that what he'd actually written was a Victorian euphemism for "Bloggs is a poof"!
That was one of mine - who pinched it?
One of my favourites,told to me by our CFI, was "When this student says he has control, he lies!"...
Although I did once write "It would undoubtedly be considerably simpler to teach a pig to ride a bicycle than to teach this student to land a Bulldog in a crosswind".
Some idiot once wrote "Bloggs is one of nature's bachelors", thinking that this was a charitable way of describing the character of the drinking, whoring rip **** about whom he was writing. Wrong - because the ignorant ex-grammar school oik didn't realise that what he'd actually written was a Victorian euphemism for "Bloggs is a poof"!
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Muscat, Oman
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Full report written by QFI at Valley when I was there:
"This student is gash!"
Returned by CFI, annotated:
"Please use correct English!"
Resubmitted by QFI:
"This student are gash!"
"This student is gash!"
Returned by CFI, annotated:
"Please use correct English!"
Resubmitted by QFI:
"This student are gash!"
At the UAS, we had to write 'PAT' (Progress, Attitude, Technique) comments on our students every term.
One of mine, on a RAF University Cadetship, hadn't turned up for training once during the term. So all I wrote on his form was "Who?"
It was returned by the CFI and I was told to write more. So I wrote something like "I do not know who APO Bloggs is. He has yet to make himself known to me and has been absent from training this term without explanation. He has made no Progress, his Attitude can only be considered questionable and his Technique unassessable."
"Fine", said the CFI, "the little bugger is for the chop!".
One of mine, on a RAF University Cadetship, hadn't turned up for training once during the term. So all I wrote on his form was "Who?"
It was returned by the CFI and I was told to write more. So I wrote something like "I do not know who APO Bloggs is. He has yet to make himself known to me and has been absent from training this term without explanation. He has made no Progress, his Attitude can only be considered questionable and his Technique unassessable."
"Fine", said the CFI, "the little bugger is for the chop!".
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: North Yorkshire
Age: 82
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“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.”
“I would not breed from this officer.”
“This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
“He carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.”
“He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.”
“Technically sound, but socially impossible.”
“This officer reminds me of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic rate but never really going anywhere.”
“This officer has delusions of adequacy.”
“When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.”
“This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.”
“In my last report I judged this officer to have reached rock bottom. Since then he has started to dig.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.”
“In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.”
“He works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“I would not breed from this officer.”
“This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
“He carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.”
“He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.”
“Technically sound, but socially impossible.”
“This officer reminds me of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic rate but never really going anywhere.”
“This officer has delusions of adequacy.”
“When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.”
“This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.”
“In my last report I judged this officer to have reached rock bottom. Since then he has started to dig.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.”
“In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.”
“He works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
Nixor ut Ledo
Join Date: Nov 2003
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I once wrote on the assessing officer's portion of the RAF recruiting paperwork "This man is a w*nker".
Unfortunately his mum, thinking that the sun shone out of her son's backside, asked her MP why her son wasn't being accepted into the RAF. The resultant Parliamentary Question bounced back down to the office and I had to hurriedly reconstruct the form and write a whole paragraph in recruitment speak about why the bloke was w*nker and unsuitable for the RAF!
I learnt about correct paperwork from that!
Unfortunately his mum, thinking that the sun shone out of her son's backside, asked her MP why her son wasn't being accepted into the RAF. The resultant Parliamentary Question bounced back down to the office and I had to hurriedly reconstruct the form and write a whole paragraph in recruitment speak about why the bloke was w*nker and unsuitable for the RAF!
I learnt about correct paperwork from that!