British Army Answering Machine !
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Scotland
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British Army Answering Machine !
Thank you for calling the British Army. I`m sorry, but all our units are
out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your
country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis and a number
at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia,
Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits
of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we
will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, please listen
to the following numbers:
- If your crisis is small and by the sea, press 1 for the Royal
Marines
- If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good
hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs,
please press 2 for the Royal Air Force (please note this service is not
available after 1630 or at weekends)
- If your situation can be resolved by a big boat, some bunting,
flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching
band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy,
Whitehall, London, SW1.
Thank you for calling the British Army, an equal opportunities employer.
out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your
country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis and a number
at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia,
Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits
of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we
will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, please listen
to the following numbers:
- If your crisis is small and by the sea, press 1 for the Royal
Marines
- If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good
hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs,
please press 2 for the Royal Air Force (please note this service is not
available after 1630 or at weekends)
- If your situation can be resolved by a big boat, some bunting,
flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching
band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy,
Whitehall, London, SW1.
Thank you for calling the British Army, an equal opportunities employer.
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: where should i be today????
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I have this recording, albeit as a USMC answering machine, on my hard-drive. Don't know how to add it here but it is good fun and well worth a listen. If anyone out there wants it to place in this link them pm me with your email address and I wil send it on to whoever is more clever at this computer stuff than me!
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: wherever I lay my headset
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FOMZ
...No, but I haven't the advantage of a maritime radio, if you did I think you'll find plenty of matelot's delighted to speak to you 24/7
... Have you ever tried contacting the Navy after they have 'secured' for the weekend - Usually about 1200 on a Fri!!
On a similar line:
“Hello, thank you for calling the Rapid Reaction Force hotline. If you require food or blankets, press button 1. If you require medicines, press button 2. For other essential requisites, press 3. Otherwise please wait until one of our personal service personnel operatives is available.”
Cue music: “We’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony…”
“Thank you for calling the Rapid Reaction Force hotline, our trained representative will be with you shortly. On special offer this month we have Shalasticoff’s new plastic, fast-action, lightweight hand grenades (credit cards welcome).”
More music: All you need is love…”
“Hello. This is Clive, a Rapid Reaction Force personal representative. How may I help you?
“This is the President of Giulardia urgently calling you for help”
“Right sir, Ill just take down your particulars. Your full name please”
“I’ve already told you I am the President of Giulardia – and this is an emergency!”
“Yes sir, but anyone could say that, couldn’t they. Now could you give me your full name please?.”
“I am President Small-statesmanoff”
“Could you spell that, sir.”
“I haven’t got time – we are under attack from revolutionaries! (Ping ping ratatattat bang bang) I don’t know how long I can keep this line open!”
“Where precisely is Giulardia? Is it in Europe?”
“Surely you have a map! We are in the United Nations!”
(Ratatatat ping ping)
“Please keep calm, sir, and answer my question”
“We were in Europe until 1918, then we were not until 1941 when that man with the moustache took us over. And we have not been since 1945”
“Well that does make things a little difficult, sir, I don’t know if we can get involved outside Europe.”
“But that German said you could operate for upto 2500 miles”.
“I know he said that, sir, but that is in dispute. We think he meant kilometres. Have you tried NATO, sir?”
“Yes – and they said try you! Can you contact them?”
“We’d like to, sir, but I don’t think they’re talking to us at the moment. Could your own troops not help you?”
“They are the ones who are shooting at me!”
“Oh dear, sir, you mean they are firing live ammunition. I don’t think the Rapid Reaction Force will be too keen to take on a war”
“You are supposed to have over 60000 men!”
“Indeed, sir, but most of us are doing our Christmas shopping, you see. If you can phone back in the New Year we would have more people available – unless they’re all off skiing. Have you tried the Russians?”
“Tried the Russians? It took us 50 years to get rid of the Russians! Can you help or not? I don’t know how much longer I have before they storm the defences.”
“I’ll send a fax to Brussels, sir. I think the 100 Luxembourgers might volunteer to observe the situation if we can locate your country and find transport for them. Could you send a plane to collect them , sir, and where do we send the invoice? Are you there ,sir?”
(The rattle of fierce machine gun fire)
“Hello, thank you for calling the Rapid Reaction Force hotline. If you require food or blankets, press button 1. If you require medicines, press button 2. For other essential requisites, press 3. Otherwise please wait until one of our personal service personnel operatives is available.”
Cue music: “We’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony…”
“Thank you for calling the Rapid Reaction Force hotline, our trained representative will be with you shortly. On special offer this month we have Shalasticoff’s new plastic, fast-action, lightweight hand grenades (credit cards welcome).”
More music: All you need is love…”
“Hello. This is Clive, a Rapid Reaction Force personal representative. How may I help you?
“This is the President of Giulardia urgently calling you for help”
“Right sir, Ill just take down your particulars. Your full name please”
“I’ve already told you I am the President of Giulardia – and this is an emergency!”
“Yes sir, but anyone could say that, couldn’t they. Now could you give me your full name please?.”
“I am President Small-statesmanoff”
“Could you spell that, sir.”
“I haven’t got time – we are under attack from revolutionaries! (Ping ping ratatattat bang bang) I don’t know how long I can keep this line open!”
“Where precisely is Giulardia? Is it in Europe?”
“Surely you have a map! We are in the United Nations!”
(Ratatatat ping ping)
“Please keep calm, sir, and answer my question”
“We were in Europe until 1918, then we were not until 1941 when that man with the moustache took us over. And we have not been since 1945”
“Well that does make things a little difficult, sir, I don’t know if we can get involved outside Europe.”
“But that German said you could operate for upto 2500 miles”.
“I know he said that, sir, but that is in dispute. We think he meant kilometres. Have you tried NATO, sir?”
“Yes – and they said try you! Can you contact them?”
“We’d like to, sir, but I don’t think they’re talking to us at the moment. Could your own troops not help you?”
“They are the ones who are shooting at me!”
“Oh dear, sir, you mean they are firing live ammunition. I don’t think the Rapid Reaction Force will be too keen to take on a war”
“You are supposed to have over 60000 men!”
“Indeed, sir, but most of us are doing our Christmas shopping, you see. If you can phone back in the New Year we would have more people available – unless they’re all off skiing. Have you tried the Russians?”
“Tried the Russians? It took us 50 years to get rid of the Russians! Can you help or not? I don’t know how much longer I have before they storm the defences.”
“I’ll send a fax to Brussels, sir. I think the 100 Luxembourgers might volunteer to observe the situation if we can locate your country and find transport for them. Could you send a plane to collect them , sir, and where do we send the invoice? Are you there ,sir?”
(The rattle of fierce machine gun fire)
Join Date: Jul 2005
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[QUOTE] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
... Have you ever tried contacting the Navy after they have 'secured' for the weekend - Usually about 1200 on a Fri!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...No, but I haven't the advantage of a maritime radio, if you did I think you'll find plenty of matelot's delighted to speak to you 24/7 [QUOTE]
Thats what I'm worried about.
... Have you ever tried contacting the Navy after they have 'secured' for the weekend - Usually about 1200 on a Fri!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...No, but I haven't the advantage of a maritime radio, if you did I think you'll find plenty of matelot's delighted to speak to you 24/7 [QUOTE]
Thats what I'm worried about.
