On a similar line:
“Hello, thank you for calling the Rapid Reaction Force hotline. If you require food or blankets, press button 1. If you require medicines, press button 2. For other essential requisites, press 3. Otherwise please wait until one of our personal service personnel operatives is available.”
Cue music: “We’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony…”
“Thank you for calling the Rapid Reaction Force hotline, our trained representative will be with you shortly. On special offer this month we have Shalasticoff’s new plastic, fast-action, lightweight hand grenades (credit cards welcome).”
More music: All you need is love…”
“Hello. This is Clive, a Rapid Reaction Force personal representative. How may I help you?
“This is the President of Giulardia urgently calling you for help”
“Right sir, Ill just take down your particulars. Your full name please”
“I’ve already told you I am the President of Giulardia – and this is an emergency!”
“Yes sir, but anyone could say that, couldn’t they. Now could you give me your full name please?.”
“I am President Small-statesmanoff”
“Could you spell that, sir.”
“I haven’t got time – we are under attack from revolutionaries! (Ping ping ratatattat bang bang) I don’t know how long I can keep this line open!”
“Where precisely is Giulardia? Is it in Europe?”
“Surely you have a map! We are in the United Nations!”
(Ratatatat ping ping)
“Please keep calm, sir, and answer my question”
“We were in Europe until 1918, then we were not until 1941 when that man with the moustache took us over. And we have not been since 1945”
“Well that does make things a little difficult, sir, I don’t know if we can get involved outside Europe.”
“But that German said you could operate for upto 2500 miles”.
“I know he said that, sir, but that is in dispute. We think he meant kilometres. Have you tried NATO, sir?”
“Yes – and they said try you! Can you contact them?”
“We’d like to, sir, but I don’t think they’re talking to us at the moment. Could your own troops not help you?”
“They are the ones who are shooting at me!”
“Oh dear, sir, you mean they are firing live ammunition. I don’t think the Rapid Reaction Force will be too keen to take on a war”
“You are supposed to have over 60000 men!”
“Indeed, sir, but most of us are doing our Christmas shopping, you see. If you can phone back in the New Year we would have more people available – unless they’re all off skiing. Have you tried the Russians?”
“Tried the Russians? It took us 50 years to get rid of the Russians! Can you help or not? I don’t know how much longer I have before they storm the defences.”
“I’ll send a fax to Brussels, sir. I think the 100 Luxembourgers might volunteer to observe the situation if we can locate your country and find transport for them. Could you send a plane to collect them , sir, and where do we send the invoice? Are you there ,sir?”
(The rattle of fierce machine gun fire)