Parade Speak
"Did you polish those boots last night, Smith?"
"No Sir, my wife did!"
Poor soul turns red whilst remainder of squad stifle laughter, moves on to next man...
"Are those your best boots, Jones?"
"No Sir, they're Slater's!"
Poor soul now has turned puce and is doing a good impression of a man having an epileptic fit. Squad is now gigling like kindergarten children. Next man....
"Is that your best uniform, Firth?"
"No Sir, (pauses for effect) but it is my favourite!"
Poor soul has now lost the power of speech and only appeasrs capable of inhaling as he tries to come to terms with what is happening on his parade. The squad are now behaving in a similar fashion to the Roman guards in the Life of Brian and the famous Welease Wodewick sketch.
That cost us a full drill lesson at warm up speed but it was worth it.
"No Sir, my wife did!"
Poor soul turns red whilst remainder of squad stifle laughter, moves on to next man...
"Are those your best boots, Jones?"
"No Sir, they're Slater's!"
Poor soul now has turned puce and is doing a good impression of a man having an epileptic fit. Squad is now gigling like kindergarten children. Next man....
"Is that your best uniform, Firth?"
"No Sir, (pauses for effect) but it is my favourite!"
Poor soul has now lost the power of speech and only appeasrs capable of inhaling as he tries to come to terms with what is happening on his parade. The squad are now behaving in a similar fashion to the Roman guards in the Life of Brian and the famous Welease Wodewick sketch.
That cost us a full drill lesson at warm up speed but it was worth it.
Red On, Green On
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BRNC, circa 1978 - GI (Gunnery Instructor, parade training their sole preserve) for our SL Aircrew course was in the habit of saying "Stand at ease .... get your legs apart, you've got nothing to lose", and finally came the day when he stood in for another GI and took the WRNS course for parade training ... cue much hilarity.
Being the good sport he was, he was happy to tell the story against himself.
Being the good sport he was, he was happy to tell the story against himself.
Short Blunt Shock
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Block inspection in No 2 IOT mess, many moons ago. Rock FS disappears into room behind me, returns with my civvy shoes which are, in fairness, in a sh!te state.
FS: "What are these shoes saying to you, Mr Blades??"
Me (in a "Dare I? oh, fcuk it!") moment: "They're saying 'Help, Help! The FS's got me!"
...well worth 50 press ups!
16B
FS: "What are these shoes saying to you, Mr Blades??"
Me (in a "Dare I? oh, fcuk it!") moment: "They're saying 'Help, Help! The FS's got me!"
...well worth 50 press ups!
16B
huh???what hill? i was there 87??
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"is that a tramline in your trouser leg soldier!!!"
"well Sir a good Soldier always carries a spare.."
Much Laughter
att. Oz Wilson AAC
Apart from the witty rejoinders remember:
Grow a big wirery ginger tash that you could buff a tank with.
Shout from the side of your mouth in a pseudo scottish accent
End every scentence as highly pitched as possible, join all words together QuiiiiiiimaaAAARCH/AbouuuuutuuuuuUURN
and ofcourse PreeeaaaaaaaantaaAAArrRRRMMMMS
coat everything you are facing/shouting/talking to..in phlegm
use the phrases
"Get a shagging grip"
"You 'Orrible individual"
"You there, STAND STILL!!"
"My Granny could do better than that, she's blind deaf and fcuking DEAD, you useless toe-rag, now see that hill?...Go!"
...etc
"well Sir a good Soldier always carries a spare.."
Much Laughter
att. Oz Wilson AAC
Apart from the witty rejoinders remember:
Grow a big wirery ginger tash that you could buff a tank with.
Shout from the side of your mouth in a pseudo scottish accent
End every scentence as highly pitched as possible, join all words together QuiiiiiiimaaAAARCH/AbouuuuutuuuuuUURN
and ofcourse PreeeaaaaaaaantaaAAArrRRRMMMMS
coat everything you are facing/shouting/talking to..in phlegm
use the phrases
"Get a shagging grip"
"You 'Orrible individual"
"You there, STAND STILL!!"
"My Granny could do better than that, she's blind deaf and fcuking DEAD, you useless toe-rag, now see that hill?...Go!"
...etc
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Morning parade - Finningley AAITC around 1983
Taff Davies puts hand up
"What is it Davies?" yells FS
(Assume over-done south Wales accent)
"I need to go to the medical centre Flight-Sergeant"
"What's wrong with you Davies?"
silence - then the immortal line "well it's my penis, Flight-Sergeant"
Excellent!
Taff Davies puts hand up
"What is it Davies?" yells FS
(Assume over-done south Wales accent)
"I need to go to the medical centre Flight-Sergeant"
"What's wrong with you Davies?"
silence - then the immortal line "well it's my penis, Flight-Sergeant"
Excellent!
Not a parade ground reposte but good nevertheless...
Swinderby 1978... peeing it down, so march round the hangar time because the DI didnt want to get wet.
Scrawny little bloke with national health specs keeps getting it wrong. DI Boycell picks mr scrawny up and hangs him by his raincoat on a peg and carries on the parade.
awesome!!
Swinderby 1978... peeing it down, so march round the hangar time because the DI didnt want to get wet.
Scrawny little bloke with national health specs keeps getting it wrong. DI Boycell picks mr scrawny up and hangs him by his raincoat on a peg and carries on the parade.
awesome!!
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Another victim from Swinderby 1978....
"Sharp as a fcuking marble!"
and a friend of mine, being berated by an Army Major for failing to salute him...
"Airman! don't you salute Army officers in the Air Force?"
"No, Sir, we havent got any!"
priceless!
"Sharp as a fcuking marble!"
and a friend of mine, being berated by an Army Major for failing to salute him...
"Airman! don't you salute Army officers in the Air Force?"
"No, Sir, we havent got any!"
priceless!
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RAFC 1980
Parade ground in front of CHOM
Can't recall the reason but we've been standing at attention for what seems likes hours, it's mid summer and hot. Off Cdt in the row in front of me collapses.
No one moves. Eventually he is dragged away.
Parade is over and FS xxxxx walks over to the now recovered Cdt and says, "Who the Łuck gave you permission to faint on my Łucking parade!"
Stunned silence from our hero!
Stick
Parade ground in front of CHOM
Can't recall the reason but we've been standing at attention for what seems likes hours, it's mid summer and hot. Off Cdt in the row in front of me collapses.
No one moves. Eventually he is dragged away.
Parade is over and FS xxxxx walks over to the now recovered Cdt and says, "Who the Łuck gave you permission to faint on my Łucking parade!"
Stunned silence from our hero!
Stick
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The Swinderby Hill
In '67 -
It was artificial with stunted trees, possibly spoil from a Quarry, and when carrying a full pack seemed about 300 feet high. (probably about 60) You were driven straight up the front and over the top down the back and returned by running around the base.
By the end of the third circuit, the weedy's were crawling on their knees and the rest were sweating and gasping for life. - and yes when looking from the hangars it was a spec in the distance but it rose like a hairy carbuncle from the earth as you marched toward it.
The more sadistic DI's viewed it as a right of passage, there specifically to weed out the dross, an easy way to help them to rejoin Mummy at an early opportunity.
Its probably under a furniture factory now.
Imagegear
It was artificial with stunted trees, possibly spoil from a Quarry, and when carrying a full pack seemed about 300 feet high. (probably about 60) You were driven straight up the front and over the top down the back and returned by running around the base.
By the end of the third circuit, the weedy's were crawling on their knees and the rest were sweating and gasping for life. - and yes when looking from the hangars it was a spec in the distance but it rose like a hairy carbuncle from the earth as you marched toward it.
The more sadistic DI's viewed it as a right of passage, there specifically to weed out the dross, an easy way to help them to rejoin Mummy at an early opportunity.
Its probably under a furniture factory now.
Imagegear
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Second-Hand story alert - Excuse me if I don't have all the facts right but apparantly....
Norwich Freedom of the City Parade, Colt Jag Sqns provide flights to march past the Mayor etc. As the flight approaches the dias, Jag Mate Flt Cdr realises its time for an 'eyes right' - but forgets the words... in sheer panic he comes out with "Eyes right, eyes right - GO"...
You probably had to be there.
Norwich Freedom of the City Parade, Colt Jag Sqns provide flights to march past the Mayor etc. As the flight approaches the dias, Jag Mate Flt Cdr realises its time for an 'eyes right' - but forgets the words... in sheer panic he comes out with "Eyes right, eyes right - GO"...
You probably had to be there.
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Someone reminded me of another comment from my College WO, a terrifying man named Mr Morton (or Sir, to helpless cadets!).
It was during the Sovereign's Parade a while ago, and the Prince of Wales was to inspect the graduating sqn. Cranditz has a tradition of fair or clear days on graduation thursday, but it had been pissing it down for a week. Mr Morton was seen in the Rotunda, getting more and more annoyed at the weather until eventually he grabbed his hat, yelling "RIGHT! That's it!".
Mr Morton walked out on to the Parade Square, looked skyward, and screamed, "STOP F**KING RAINING!!!"
Seconds later, the clouds parted, the sun shone, and within half an hour the parade square was bone dry. What a legend!
As for No 2 IOT Mess inspections, one story goes that a FS found a dead fly on a cadet's windowsill. The cadet was promptly given two days' restrictions - one for keeping an unauthorised pet in the barracks, the other for not looking after said pet properly.
It was during the Sovereign's Parade a while ago, and the Prince of Wales was to inspect the graduating sqn. Cranditz has a tradition of fair or clear days on graduation thursday, but it had been pissing it down for a week. Mr Morton was seen in the Rotunda, getting more and more annoyed at the weather until eventually he grabbed his hat, yelling "RIGHT! That's it!".
Mr Morton walked out on to the Parade Square, looked skyward, and screamed, "STOP F**KING RAINING!!!"
Seconds later, the clouds parted, the sun shone, and within half an hour the parade square was bone dry. What a legend!
As for No 2 IOT Mess inspections, one story goes that a FS found a dead fly on a cadet's windowsill. The cadet was promptly given two days' restrictions - one for keeping an unauthorised pet in the barracks, the other for not looking after said pet properly.