I just did a count. 26 funny comments from male students or not stated; 6 from female students. So, fredfred, perhaps your comment was somewhat unnecessary. Are "us girls" perhaps a little over-sensitive in the admittedly male-oriented field of aviation?

However, Mad Girl's comment is perhaps something that more notice should be taken of. I'm seriously wondering if men and women learn flying differently, as are several other instructors I know. The problem is, I've only had one female student too...there just aren't enough of us for anyone to be sure!

However, thinking about it, every student is individual anyway, and every one of them is different. So as long as you're aware of the other person and ready to vary your teaching methods when necessary (including only using appropriate mneumonics!!!) I'm not sure that it matters.

Enough serious stuff! Back to funny comments please - I like this thread :ok:

For the girls. .

I have noticed female students are the best to teach. Male students (including me) seem to have a way of interpreting what you say into their own idea of how things should be done. Female students do (more or less) exactly what you say, which can lead to some confusion sometimes but once this is established things run more smoothly. .

What about FREDA and HASEL? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

AWFUL MFI SHAM? (kitchens?) :}

Back to funny comments. . .:)

Quote:-
What about FREDA and HASEL? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

It may help if you had another S & L in HASEL :p. (HASSELL)
(Sorry - uncalled for, but couldn't resist!!!....I do aeros and have had this one drummed into me - Height, airframe, security(everything locked down), straps, engine, location & lookout)


This is more the type of thing I had in mind (& I remember both...so it works!!)....

True +/- Variation = Magnetic +/- Deviation = Compass or as the boss says... "True Virgins Make Dull Company"

It can be done " Cadbury's Dairy Milk, Very Tasty" but a) doesn't have the right ring to it and b) It's the wrong way round for the plog.

Right....Back to the funny stuff please...

At times I've had more female students than male students - don't know why. I think the differences between individual students is much greater than any male / female differences. I just think of them all as students.

Anyway, since this thread is about funny comments I've had quite a few. One that sticks in my mind was the first sentence spoken by a (foreign) student (about 15 hours in his log book) on being introduced to me for the first time. He said "I need to do my first solo today". One glance out of the door at the windsock made this quite funny.

TVMDC
 

I made another one up On my ATPL course.

It's quite rude, so PM me if you want to know it.

It en-compasses male and femal genitalia so i better not post it here.

Female student on a windy, gusty and bumpy day in a C172: "It feels like we are going a hundred miles an hour!"

Me: "We are going a hundred miles an hour"

students
 

Student on final approach,

Student, "I'm going to be sick"

Me, "not in my plane"

Student, "i am"

After thundering the aircraft to greaser of a landing, we hand brake the bird off the active and beyond the hold point,open the door, and,

"now you can"

No smelly aircraft

Just a last comment about working on the male-female instructor-student relationship... While doing my instructor rating, my instructor suggested I shouldn't refer to the fuel selector as a fuel cock to male students. I couldn't tell if this was because he thought this would make me uncomfortable or the student... I only got the ticket recently so done stuff all instructing yet, but so far I feel breaking the habit of all my training to pronounce se-lec-tor is just a hassle, so I decided to stick with the short version until I see otherwise for myself. :confused:

Don't know, tell me boys, how would you take it?



...Besides, S messes up my nmemonics! :}

Okay, that's it, I can't resist.
As mentioned in the post above I've only done a minute amount of instructing, but as my two years of checkin/airport customer services comes to an end to finally JUST FLY, I'm going to share just a tiny scraping of the idiot passenger stories I have endured.

Moron on foggy morning, checking in right beside a window where you can't even see runway: It's not too foggy to fly, is it?
What I wanted to say: What a clever paradox. Either it's foggy, or you can fly, you numbnuts
What I said: Unfortunately it has reached that point, and this morning's flight will be delayed, very sorry about that sir.:)

Moron arriving to check in AT departure time: I paid for that seat and I am getting on that flight.
Me: I'm sorry but I am not able to check you in. [Layman's version of boarding and loadsheet preparation requirements]
Moron in condescending tone: Look, love, I fly all over the place for work, I know how it all works, so don't give me that rubbish!
What I wanted to say: Oh, YOU know how it all works eh?! [Summary of flight qualifications and experience] :mad: :mad: :mad: And what remotely experienced passenger aims to turn up when the plane's off blocks anyway???
What I said: I'm very sorry sir but I cannot check you in at this point.:)

Moron passenger arriving at 1:30 for a 1:10 flight: Hi, I'd like to check in for the Nelson flight.
Me: I'm sorry mam, that flight departed on time at 1:10. It is now 1:30.
Moron passenger: No it isn't, it's 12:40.
Nothing to say!!!!!
A few days later the passenger laid a complaint against me for denying her travel when she tried to check in on time.

Moron passenger AT boarding time, as I walk up to the PA: All right, we're OBVIOUSLY not boarding on time, now this is hopeless, I have places to be you know and -
I said what I wanted to say: - Sir, one moment please.
And I pressed the PA button to make the boarding call.

Oh, and Americans who always seem to call in saying they're departing from "New Zealand Airport." Makes flying here sound pretty boring if there's only one! :}

...Not even scratching the surface!!:mad: :mad: :mad:
Sorry to go off-subject, it's part of my self-therapy and recovery programme from Airline Customer Service.

Please, continue the original discussion.

i have also done my fair share of check in, best comment i ever got was a pap trying to upgraded to a extra leg room seat, we at the time called them exit seats, her responce was " I DONT WANT A SEAT NEAR THE DOOR, IT WILL BE WINDY!"

I asked her too report to the cabin crew the moment she could feel a draft from the door!

:ugh: :ugh: :ugh: :ugh: :ugh: :ugh: :ugh:

In the days before I became an instructor I was an air trafficker.
Now cast your minds back to the days when we had an airforce and RAF Finningley daily dispatched flottilas of Varsity aircraft in the hope of circumnavigating the United Kingdom.
I was a radar controller at Moray Radar (RNAS Lossiemouth) when my eleventh Varsity student navigator checks in with...
"Moray Radar FYG (loud bang rather like nav rul e bouncing of a bone dome followed by anther voice "WRONG") FGY58(bang "WRONG")85 25 miles SE (bang "WRONG")SW Aberdeen .......
Seemed to work by the time he passed abeam the field he was word perfect. Always wondered if he got through the course..

As told to me by a fellow instructor:

I was in the pattern making touch & go's with a student under night conditions. The active runway at the time, runway 11, has holding points on both sides; on one side was a B-757 waiting to line up and on the other side were two F-15's also holding for departure. So I told my student "you'd better do good kid, you've got some pretty experienced audience."

We were turning final for runway 11 when the tower cleared us for a touch & go and he made this unforgettable readback:
".....uuuh cleared touch one, gogo, FTE."
Not a word was spoken on the frequency for a good minute.

I was sitting next to an american guy on pax plane landing at detroit before sunset. He was looking out of the window, he turned to me and asked me 'what's that big round orange thing in the sky?'
I politely said 'That is the SUN you MORON'


I have some good jokes too for my next post

Towards the end of a circuit bashing detail with a particularly poor student.

Full flap selected, throttle closed, speed way too high, aircraft seriously high on approach and no chance of a successful landing.

Instructor: Do you think we should go-around?

Student: We CAN'T go-around. We're running late and I've still got to pick the kids up from school.

Type conversion onto Auster

Student makes heavy landing punching the undercarriage strut through the flloor. Aircraft slides to a stop, student says

CALL YOURSELF A FxxxxxG INSTRUCTOR?

Opens the door gets out runs across the airfield and is never see again!

ASK CAPTAIN JON

I could write a book on these, oh hang on I am!

Student from Shobdon overhead Staverton back to Shobdon sets off at 4pm when it is due to get dark at 5pm. Lands at 7.20pm at Manchester International airport unannounced and non radio.(never flown at night before)

First words to instructor who collected him.

I THOUGHT I HAD LANDED AT BIRMINGHAM UNTIL THEY ARRESTED ME!

Second words

I FOUND I WAS AT 12,000 FEET AFTER I FINALLY FOUND THE COCKPIT LIGHTING.

ASK CAPTAIN JON

Nigerian Air Force student to instructor.

I AM HAVING PROBLEMS UNDERSTANDING WHY THE AIRCRAFT CONTINUES TO GO FOWARD AFTER THE GEAR IS RAISED


ASK CAPTAIN JON

My trainee first officer, first time at Heathrow.

ATC --XXX monitor tower 118.3

changes frequency

FO-- Hello Monitor this is XXXX


ASK CAPTAIN JON

Instructor in tandem seat jet trainer to student after really rough landing

FOR FXXKS SAKE MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO ROUND OUT OR YOU WILL HAVE THE NOSE WHEEL OFF THIS SUCKER.

STUDENT --- SORRY SIR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE FLYING IT!

ASK CAPTAIN JON

And all of the above are my copyright!

x/c
 

Student pilot on his very first cross country flight doing a perfect job. He's right on track, right on time knowing where he's at all the time. On the way back he's getting of track, continues and about 5 minutes later he starts realizing that he doesn't have a clue where he's at. Starts looking around, swaying around his chart looks at me and says: "Now this is going to be very thrilling when I'm all by myself on my first solo x/c".

May as well add this in too...

Outside flying I sometimes deal with a yearlong uncurrent PPL with about 150 hours. The amazing thing about this particular PPL is that he's one of those rare ones who knows everything there is to know at such an early level of experience. For that reason he will not stand being corrected by anyone of any experience level, and rightly so. He enjoys giving me lectures using the most painful nerve-twanging half-baked terms and facts, and any attempt offer him some furthering or angling-conversation-toward-the-physically-possible is cut off with a "Yep, yep" and change of subject.

I usually avoid flying discussions with him (such as: now did you know a jet engine has fans in the front AND back? The back one's for cooling or a similar purpose, it gets extremely hot in those things you know, hotter than a car engine, you wouldn't want to stand behind it). But, recently, he dragged me into a lecture about stalling, and he introduced me to this checklist you do before practicing it, which isn't written down because you can just call it HASELL to remember it.

"Height, Altitude, Stress, Elevation, and I forget the other two..."

:}

A particularly 'challenging' student has finally got to the nav stage, and after a marathon (what seems like) 3 hour calculation of the route to be flown, we end up on the home leg ground speed calculation.....which turns out to be 125Kts.

The immortal line is then uttered

"Can the aircraft take it?"

My ribs still hurt now thinking about it.

Glide descending turns. Aeroplane not trimmed correctly. Too slow, stall warning blaring.

Student: "Can you take over a sec? I think my phone's ringing."

Night circuits, #2 on final...

Instructor: "why are you not using the PAPI? We are too high"

Student: "I can't, the aircraft ahead is already using it" :ugh:

I called "go around", when asked why he had not put the gear down the student replied "I couldn't think because of that horn blaring in my ear" :ugh:

At the risk of being non-PC my favourites are from when I taught Japanese and Chinese students in Australia. In addition to the usual student foolery there's the added element of mis-translation.

First one. Japanese student, practice engine failures/glide approaches. He conducted several perfectly executed examples during which all checks and radio calls were made and the aircraft was always going to make the field. To be honest I was beginning to hate the guy he was so good. "Obviously no problems there" I said "One more and we'll call it a day but this time imagine you have passengers on board." I retarded the throttle saying "Simulated engine failure". He paused briefly before miming tying on a headband and saying "Passengers, prepare to die. Banzai!!":suspect:

Chinese student we'd nicknamed Dr Death. Out on a cross-country exercise starting at sea level (Coolangatta, east coast of Australia), almost due west over the Dividing Range for a touch and go at a bush strip (elevation 600' or so) before heading off to a (then) CTAF and home. Inbound to the strip the guy was a mess. Got lost several times in the space of 45 minutes, R/T a nightmare, he was overloaded from the moment he started the engine. After the slam and go at the strip he immediately initiated a turn on to his outbound heading. There was barely enough height to prevent the wingtip striking the ground so I levelled the wings and asked "What about the 500 foot rule?". His reply, "Altimeter says 630 feet".:ugh:

navex
 

The femail student on her fist navex, student there is a big A road on my left, Me: yes thats the MI.

Dont know if this one will get past the censor but here goes, one particularly busy Saturday one of our instructors spent ages looking for a particularly untalanted student, he was eventually found sitting in a C152 with a huge tuna & raw onion sandwich half devoured & a cockpit that smelt like Hinge & Brackets pi55pot! This instructor who didn't suffer fools very well glared at the poor sod who suddenly realising the error of his way stammerered 'eh you don't mind do you' ? Then came the immortal reply ' well you fly like a fanny so you might as well smell like one'

Not particularly funny ha ha but I did have a newish student say something with a fair amount of insight... " Don't you think that the Cessna 152 is a magnificent piece of engineering?". I actually paused and had to conceed the point. The amount of abuse it puts up with is insane. Nail on head methinks! :cool:

Oveur Out

"Okay.. first we will try a little straight and level.. okay?"

Response.."Fine.. which do you want first?"

this is one of the greatest threads I have ever read on pprune.

While working as a FAC in Vietnam, I worked with some pilots from other countries. Many NEVER wanted to admit they didn't know something.

We were droning along at a low altitude with me in the right seat, the fellow pilot.. the student.. in the left seat. We are in a skid, the stall warning is going off and we are in a 30deg bank.

I said, "XX, do you hear that horn?"
Yes..
"Do you know we are near the stall?"
Yes..
"Do you know we are in a skid?"
Yes..
"Do you know that if we stall we are probably going to spin?
Yes..
"And that we are below the minimum spin recovery height so we are probably going to die?"
Yes...
"I have the airplane."
Yes, you have the airplane.

Even though I posted this in Oh Ma Gawd it is worth repeating.

Me this morning, on FI course, up at 3000', over a VERY rural part of the English countryside, doing PFLs.


FIC - 'Have you got a suitable field?'

ME - 'Yes'

FIC - 'Which one'

ME - Pointing in rough direction - 'That green one with the trees'



Punch me quick!!!!

My usual response to my FI when asked to describe the field I was doing a PFL into was "Wait and see Tony, wait and see. You won't be disappointed"

Another circuit bashing detail with a below-average student.

During the pre-flight briefing the student says: "I've memorised the Before Take-Off Checks and the Downwind Checks."
Instructor: "You only need to memorise the Downwind Checks, the Before Take-Off Checks are always read and actioned from the checklist"

On the first circuit towards the end of the downwind leg, the aircraft pitches violently nose-up and then rolls rapidly to the right. Instructor recovers and shouts: "WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING?"
Student: "Sorry, I mixed-up the Downwind Checks with the Before Take-Off Checks and instead of checking 'C' for carb heat I checked 'C' for controls."

I had something like this in a heli. . the guy mixed up pre-flight checks with pre-start checks!!! - Rotors at flying rpm and he goes for 'full and free movement'!

Kinda gets your attention :eek:

Heres another true story. I was on a navigation test with a particularly'laid back' character who dispite briefing certainly was NOT looking out or pointing out other traffic. As conditions very quite murky my own head was going around like something off the Excorcist. Imagine my surprise when matey pipes up with ''oh look, theres Billy Kray''
I thought a) how has he seen an aircraft before me b) where is it as it must be close as he even knows who is in it & c) who the f@@k is Billy Kray anyway.. As I feverishly searched the sky for this conflicting traffic It dawned on.... We were in fact routing towards the town of Billericay!.

Oh how I laughed (later!!)

I actually asked this during one of my first lessons.

" Does this plane have an air-conditioner?"



Instructor: Yeah, it's called a door.......:ugh:

Not so silly you know - if you paid half as much for your car as you did for the plane you would expect aircon, surround sound, GPS, sunroof, and individual DVDs and reading lights in the pax seats :ugh:

We had an ex-Botwana Air Force Bulldog at White Waltham, that had an air-conditioner but it was de-activated.