Last night at Wellesbourne airfield:

A/C: Can I park here? I cannot see if there is any other gap.
AFIS: You should eat more carrots :P

An oldie from Belfast (I think!)
 

ATC: ABC123 Cleared for take-off runway XX
ABC123: Cleared for take-off runway XX....er....there are a few ducks crossing the runway....ABC123
ATC: Roger, caution drake turbulence!

"Stations inbound to Melbourne, terminal information Quebec now current... ah... doesn't appear to be any changes... standby, will advise..."
...
..
.
"Stations inbound to Melbourne, terminal information Quebec is the same as Papa..."

R/T exchange heard last friday between our UPS colleagues :ok: and Budapest approach (129.7):

BUD ATC: "UPS xxx, descend FL130, what is your speed?"

UPS xxx: "descend FL130, what speed would you like?"

BUD ATC: "I should like to know your current speed!"

Obviously not a man to be messed about... then again it was about 0545Z! :{

American lady pilot to a controller who just gave her the altimeter setting in QNH hectopascals , " Tower do you have it in inches ? "

Male tower controller , " How many would you like ? "

Legend.

"Oh, Hello Jet Speedbird One. Up you go to One Nine Oh."

"Do you mean , Climb to Flight Level One Nine Zero?"

"Well yes, unless you can think of any other way of getting up there."

Heard on Manchester departure, a few month ago:
ATC: "Rubens 308M Skwak XXXX... ... you've got your SLOT TIME in there!!"
Rubens: shamefully silent

Heard on Edinburgh Tower freq late one evening some months back:

Twr: Shuttle XXXX, your're clear to land Runway 24.
Shuttle XXXX: Clear to land Runway 23, Shuttle XXXX
Twr: Shuttle XXXX, its Runway 24 - 23's a bit bumpy (!)

One of the "old dogs" was apparantly somewhat pre-occupied once working the radar:
ATC: Elite001, fly heading 310, sir, and report new heading... sir.
-a looooong pause...
A/C: Uuh, Elite001 now heading 310.

We were rolling on the floor laughing, poor pilots, they must have been going: "it´s a trick question, you answer it. NO! YOU answer it..."

ATC Humour
 

Heard many yaers ago at Dusseldorf:

ATC: "Speedbird 123 change to xxx.xx and sqauk xxxx."

S 123: "Cannot sqauk because transponder is u/s."

ATC (in heavy stage German accent); Do not worry Sppedbird 123 ve haf vays of making you squak."

I was at Paris Orly last week on the GA apron, was just about to request clearance, I looked up pushed the Mike button and at point a 747 taxied passed with its wing almost over our cabin.

At this point, mike open the only thing that came out my mouth was

" Jesus Christ " as it was pretty close and scared the hell out of me.

French ATC replied " Well it is christmas "

Company Messages
 

Heard several years ago on Company Frequency
A/C: Ops can you sort out some crew meals at Newcastle. Castledon have made a cock-up and I think my cabin crew may resort to cannibalism."
Glad I wasn't on the next sector if they hadn't been fed!!

Crew Co-ordination
 

Heard several years ago whilst flying down the Rhine Valley

1st Voice: Heidelberg Tower this is American Army xxx over the village of Wietzendorf at 500 feet, estimating your field at 1520.

2nd Voice (high pitched): Breaking Right, Breaking Right, traffic is at same location and altitude.

1st Voice: Should be Mac, I'm your co-pilot.

One US Army Lieutenant bought a vast quantity of beer in the Heidelberg O Club that night.:ugh:

Luton ATC Chat
 

Monarch 757 is carrying out training circuits.

ATC: Monarch 123 can I turn you on at five miles?"

Monarch 123: "Madam, I don't think I have had the pleasure but you are welcome to try."

Memory!!!
 

ABC123 at 5miles final: Tower, are we cleared to land?
Tower: OK, ABC123, cleared to land!
After landing the tower controller tells the pilots: I never give landing clearance until the aircraft passes the outer marker, reason for that is that you guys tend to forget...
ABC123: We never forget anything!
Tower: I wish I could say the same!:ok:

Leeming 1966.
JP at 9500ft - Leeming radar: Old pilot on ground tour.

JP: Leeming, JP FL950 request descent.
ATC: Roger JP, fire retro rockets now. Splashdown will be in Osmotherly reservoir.

Heard over a certain area of the desert. Not inherently funny – just “odd”:

ATC: XXX, Are you ok with the visual approach to Runway xx?

Pilot: XXX We are maintaining visual. What do you mean?

ATC: XXX Confirm you are able visual approach to Runway xx.

Pilot: A visual approach. To see the runway?

ATC: Errr…affirm. Can you accept a visual approach to the runway?

Pilot: I suppose we can yes but standby. I must speak with my captain.

Pilot: (after a few seconds) My captain cannot see it. I cannot see it. We can’t see it. We cannot see the runway from here.

ATC: I know that, sir. You are still five zero miles to run. We are just asking if you can accept a visual approach to Runway xx. Or you can have vectors to the ILS Runway xx if you would prefer?

Pilot: Is it cloudy at the airport? Can you see the runway? We cannot do a visual in cloudy. No one can do this.

ATC: XXX, Yes, of course. You are correct. My apologies. Turn left heading 240.

note - I’m not ATC or Aircrew so ‘scuse if this isn’t quite wright...

Apparently... supposedly at LHR*1 .... way way back in history*2 when some corporate/private movements were possible... on a sunday afternoon..

North American voice calls up for approach instructions.
Twr : What;s your type ?
North American voice : we’re a Helio
Twr : proceeds to give instructions for helicopter approach, speed, height, reporting point etc
North American voice : confirms
...
North American voice : at reporting point etc
Twr: no other traffic, landing clearance etc
North American voice : tower where do we land ?
Twr: the large concrete area with the big white circle with an “H” in the middle
North American voice : confirm
...
North American voice : tower, sorry we ran onto the grass by a couple of feet
Twr: long silence as helipad is closely examind thru’ the binoculars


[p.s. blame Niall (LHR twr), Dave (latcc, that place in Scotland with the magic bedstead radar), Pete (latcc), Andy (lattc, manch, various) et al]

*1 I think you call it EGLL for some reason
*2 when there were hangars for Fields & Air India where T4 is now, Swissair operated Coronados (the only aircraft you could identify at 10 miles simply from the smoke), the largest aircraft available to the discerning buyer was the DC8-61/3, Air France had nearly new “Deux Ponts” and “the Prince of Darkness” was occasionally remembering that navigation & landing lights actually were fitted to his DC6F (or was it a 4F ?).

A C172 inbound to Archerfield Airport (Brisbane, QLD, Australia) a couple of months back seemed to be a little confused about the location of the inbound reporting points to the south.

Normal procedure is to report inbound at Park Ridge Water Tower (about 6-8 miles south) with callsign, type, altitude and ATIS received; and again at Logan Motorway (2-3 miles south) to receive circuit joining instructions.

The following was heard on tower frequency:

A/C: 'Archer tower, ABC, logan motorway.'
TWR: 'ABC, you're currently two miles south of the motorway. Join downwind 10R.'
A/C: 'Downwind 28R, ABC.'

after a brief pause as the A/C covers the remaining couple of miles:

TWR: 'ABC, Archer tower: see that big arterial road running East-West, the one you're passing over now? That's the Logan Motorway.'
A/C: 'ABC.'
TWR: 'ABC, do you have an instructor on board?'
A/C: 'I am the instructor.'

The controllers at YBAF create these gems with hilarious regularity.

And one that happened to me:

I was flying a C172RG out of YBAF outside of tower hours. I was planning a departure into controlled airspace so called BN radar to request area QNH:

Me: 'Brisbane Radar, ABC, request.'
RDR (obviously in a good mood): 'ABC...request away!'

Great moments in the Brisbane area
 

A C172 inbound to Archerfield Airport (Brisbane, QLD, Australia) a couple of months back seemed to be a little confused about the location of the inbound reporting points to the south.

Normal procedure is to report inbound at Park Ridge Water Tower (about 6-8 miles south) with callsign, type, altitude and ATIS received; and again at Logan Motorway (2-3 miles south) to receive circuit joining instructions.

The following was heard on tower frequency:

A/C: 'Archer tower, ABC, logan motorway.'
TWR: 'ABC, you're currently two miles south of the motorway. Join downwind 10R.'
A/C: 'Downwind 28R, ABC.'

after a brief pause as the A/C covers the remaining couple of miles:

TWR: 'ABC, Archer tower: see that big arterial road running East-West, the one you're passing over now? That's the Logan Motorway.'
A/C: 'ABC.'
TWR: 'ABC, do you have an instructor on board?'
A/C: 'I am the instructor.'

The controllers at YBAF create these gems with hilarious regularity.

And one that happened to me:

I was flying a C172RG out of YBAF outside of tower hours. I was planning a departure into controlled airspace so called BN radar to request area QNH:

Me: 'Brisbane Radar, ABC, request.'
RDR (obviously in a good mood): 'ABC...request away!'