ATC: XYZ123, confirm you have the ILS captured?

XYZ123: Err negative, but we have it surrounded.

Last year at YPJT, a few aircraft doing circuits. I had a cessna joining the circuit and instructed him to follow the cessna late downwind. The reply, "roger, following the late cessna down."

On a Melbourne centre frequency,

Female controller: Virgin 123 Descend FL260

Virgin 123 : Descend FL260 Virgin 123

Anonymous pilot: Don't you love it when a chick tells you to go down:p

I heard a rather 'cheeky' reply from a female Nigel in a 757 a few weeks ago. They were being vectored for the ILS and the controller was a little worried that they were too high.

ATC: BAW18F how are you for height?

BAW18F: Ah plenty thanks (with a little laughter).

ATC: (Pause) Yes... that's the problem!

Minesapint: Was that supposed to be in a different thread?:confused:

Perhaps some kind ATCO can pay some of my large Southern mortgage in the event of a pay cut :}

Mister Geezer

I think it was quite a while ago in the days of the Tr****t, with its renowned (!?) descent capabilities, when asked about his height and speed, the captain responded (in a broad Yorkshire accent) ..." we've got an abundance of both..."

I stand to be corrected.

Rgds

On a Latcc north bank sector many moons ago.
One of the first Tucanos was trundling around on airways when pilot advised immediate div required due engine trouble.
Trainee not quite conversant with aircraft type requested " persons on board and which engine is giving trouble".

Arguably one of the greatest responses came back

" Me and It "



40612 carrying hazardous cargo but no WMD

Re the ATIS from wherever it was being "No Bananas"

That sets up for pilots being confused to neglect to include "recieved No Bananas" in their call, requiring ATC to ask
"Confirm you have No Bananas"
and the a/c to reply
"yes, we have no bananas..."

Lasior

Back in the early 1960s Gloster Gladiator G-AMRK was going from A to B when the engine quit (I think it was somewhere near Bedford). He put out a Mayday and asked to be pointed at the nearest airfield.

ATC: What type of aircraft are you?
Pilot: Gloster Gladiator.
ATC: This is really not the time to be funny.
Pilot: If you were stuck up here in the last flyable Gloster Gladiator in the world without an engine I doubt you would find it at all funny!

They got him down.

Spent the last 3 hours at work pissing myslef laughing, I'd have got the sack if I wasn't leaving in 2 weeks.... keep up the good work :D

Sooty's posting about getting tongue-tied reminds me of two that I managed many moons ago whilst in flying training and using a radio was a new experience to me.

The first was "Lima Uni Indiform" and the second was "Inky Mike Yanko"!

AirBlah123 (or whatever) taxying in........

Sexily-voiced lady ground controller -- "AirBlah123 have I given you a stand ?"

AirBlah123 (male pilot) -- "No, but keep talking !"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The attendant explained, "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

:p
StuckMic.com - Aviation and ATC discussion and chat

ATC Humour
 

Saw this one a while ago on the net about a cargo plane doing the same route night after night and after while went in with approach of destination airport (around dusk) with :

XXX tower, guess who's coming ?

Each time the Tower asked him to identify himself clearly on the frequency instead of joking, never succeded...

until that day during winter period :

XXX approach, guess who's coming ?

Tower controller (turning off the runway lights, still no daylight)

Flight XXX, guess where we are now...

From that day, the story says that this cargo pilot always identified at contacting the tower :=

We used to have no end of laughs listening to the exchanges between pilot and tower at Cambridge when I worked there....

A University Air Squadron Bulldog holding for the grass runway...

"Tower, Charlie 01, we have a large flock of plovers by the threshold"

"Charlie 01, say again?"

"We have a large flock of plovers by the threshold"

"A large flock of what?"

" *sigh* Birds"

...........................................................

A Beechcraft from a farm strip in Norfolk, returning home..

"G-xxxx, what is your destination?"

"Stradsett, sir"

"Say again your destination?"

"Stradsett, sir"

"Say again?"

"Norfolk!"

............................................................ ..

and finally...

one weekend an antique Aero 45 was visiting (old Czechoslovakian twin - wooden construction, I believe, and having difficulty landing in the crosswind)

"G-xxxx, you're clear to land, surface wind xyz, etc......"(leaves the tranmit button down as the poor old girl bounces hard, weathercocks and bounds off the concrete, hopping from one gear leg to the other across the grass)...

"Ohmygoddidyouseethat?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"


Of course it wasn't always the tower, there was plenty of nonsense coming back from the cockpit - one fella in a Comanche once forgot to put his gear down, the tower and every aircraft in the circuit were trying to warn him, and every time he transmitted you could hear the warning horn in the background. He still landed it wheels up.......

Found in the Malta FIR - honestly

" Cleared to FARKA via BONAR " .......

:ok:

hehe that's funny

Apparently, this was heard ooverhear LAX:
Bored pilot in the hold says:
"jesus, i'm f***ing bored"
ATC:"Last transmission, state your full callsign"
Pilot "I said i'm f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid"

When i learnt to fly in california, my instructor and i were working at Brown field, just on the mexican border. (The story about the dumb student doing touch and go's at Gen Rodriguez which is parralel to brown and about half a mile away over the border will just have to wait)
Anyway, the girl in the tower who has a really sweet voice says something like "Cherokee 44293 clear touch and go etc..." and my instructor says (without realizing that i have hit the PTT button) "Cor, she sounds really sexy, i bet she takes it up the a*se!"
girl in tower: "cherokee 44293 check stuck mic, and by the way, yes i am and yes i do!"

We didn't hang around for an introduction.

Another one from FAJS on approach:

JS41 maintaining FL130 with a BE20 just about to pass over the top from the left @ FL140.

Pilot, "How much longer must we maintain FL130, the turbulence is making it very uncomfortable!."

ATC, "It going to be more uncomfortable if you bash that Kingair to your left."

Pilot, after a pause as he gets it in sight , "You're right, that would be more uncomfortable."

Judging from the range of places these replies are from, it seems that ATCs and pilots are pretty much the same, no matter what continent you're on!:p

An exchange overheard between departure control at a Canadian airport and a B727 pilot.

Pilot: Where's Annule?
Dep. Control: What is it ... an intersection or something?
Pilot: I don't know.
Dep. Control: Where did you see it?
Pilot: On the screens in the terminal. Lots of airlines go there but the flight's always cancelled.
Dep. Control: (Laughter) Welcome to Canada, Monsieur. "Annule" is French for "cancelled."
Pilot: Ah. Oui, oui.