Some from my first three years as an F/O so far:

First one happened to me couple of weeks ago in Brussels. Cleared for an immediate take-off when still on the TWY, we did a rolling take-off. At around 1000 feet I hear another Beeline ask for runway braking action to the tower. Tower asks us:

ATC: "Beeline xxx, can you confirm braking action 25R is good?"
I replied: "Well we didn't brake, but I can guess if you want."

Never thought about that answer, it just came out so quickly. :) Just thought it was a stupid question.



Another good one I heard last week. We fly Avro Jets at Brussels Airlines. They may not climb that well, or do anything well for that manner, but they sure can descend! Pulling full airbrake almost makes you fall from the sky... Apparently some controllers can't seem to remember this...

French ATC: "Beeline xxx, descend FL100, give me your best rate of descent."
Beeline xxx "Descend FL100, best rate, Beeline xxx."

About one minute later:

French ATC: "Beeline xxx, what is your rate of descent???"
Beeline xxx: "Around 7000ft/minute"
French ATC: "... Roger... Euhhh... Rate of descent now 2000 ft/minute."


Last one was from november I think. Just start of the winter season. As soon as we put on airframe anti-ice, the Avro refuses to climb anymore. Company wants us as high as possible so we request high levels anyway, though it sometimes takes ages to get up there... German ATC woman cracked me up early in the morning out of Munich.

German ATC: "Beeline xxx, what's your requested level?"
I replied: "Flight level 320, Beeline xxx".
German ATC: "I don't think so Beeline xxx, not with your type of aircraft. Maybe you should ask your company for a better aircraft for the winter season?"

One day on CDG Ground frequency a pilot of A380 calling:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333 Super, request push and start.
atc: ZZZZ 333, push and start approved.
A few minutes later:
a/c: ZZZZ 333 Super, ready for taxi.
So atc passed taxi clearance.
After two or three minutes:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333, due to technical problem we need to return to the gate...

It took them about ten minutes to declare "ready for push" again, but anyway as long as I was on the frequency they didn't use "Super" in the callsign...

Late 60's on 243.0 ...

"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing, One Two Three Four Five, Five, Four, ... Three ... Kuala Lumpur Tower test, out.

Some wobbling Hunter wingtips reported that one. ;)

This is a rather embarassing Radiotelephony conversation I had at a small UK based Airfield. I've just landed.
Tower - "G-XT Taxi to Bravo between the blue markers"
Me - "Taxiing to Bravo between blue markers G-XT"
Tower - "G-XT give way to the Gazelle"
Me - "What?! a real one!?"
My Dad sitting next to me - "A Gazelles a Helicopter"
Me - "OH!...G-XT giving way to the Gazelle"

Heard yesterday while approaching Lyneham.
A contracted freighter (lets call it XYZ) was inbound to land. American sounding pilot on the radio.
Note: The ATIS is on UHF at Lyneham. My recall of the exact phrasing may leave something to be desired...

ATC: XYZ, descend FL70, cleared for a straight in approach to R06.
XYZ: Descend FL70, cleared straight in R06

ATC: XYZ, do you require the weather?
XYZ: Negative.

ATC: (sounding puzzled) Confirm you already have the weather?
XYZ: Affirm, It's gorgeous out there!

A KC-135 out of Mildenhall, 1970's, with East Anglia solid with radar returns ...

ATC: RWZ1234 report heading
RWZ: Control RWZ 1234 the heading is 36.....2
ATC : RWZ1234 turn right heading 372
RWZ : Roger, turning right heading 372.....control repeat again

Aircraft makes an inbound call to Jandakot after a Chinese Student with giggling in the background

ATC: XYZ copy, whats so funny
Pilot: I cant tell you... its racist (Laughter in background)

Airport Authorities stagiaire: Tower, we are ready to mown the Glidepath.

Tower: ohh, and to what altitude will that be.

Silence on one and tears on ours side...

Heard at an airfield very close to the Lambourne Hold

A/G - Can everybody please insure that you keep your circuits tight into the airfield as there have been noise complaints
Aircraft in the overhead - Where have the noise complaints been coming from?
A/G - The telephone!!

Speedy arrival
 

Arriving at SBBR in an Aerostar

Controller: NXXX, Can you keep the speed up to accommodate other traffic
Me: Yes
Controller: Can you do 200 groundspeed all the way?
Me: Yes, but I might need to slow down on short final

In an Aerostar flying from Venezuela to Brasil (SBBV) FL210. Just handed over to Brasil (100nm to go):

Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx FL210 checking in
BV: Radar contact
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx ready to start decent
BV: (No response)
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx REQUEST lower for landing!

Repeated request gets no answer,

About 10nm to go

Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxxx, I can't seem to find any airport up here at FL210.
BV: Nxxxx, Cleared to land. Confirm gear down and locked?

Nxxx (@FL210): Cleared to land, gear down and locked (Coincidentally, the only way to get down anywhere near the Airport was idling engines and dropping the gear)

Over France
 

Me: Request direct destination
ATC: Negative due to Military activity, cleared direct XXX
....
Me: eh, XXX is 200nm PAST my destination
ATC: Well, where did you want to go anyway?

Noise abatement
 

RAF VC10 just departed.

ATC to next D8 in line: xxxxx if your can hear me, line up and wait!
xxxxx: Just about!

Found this funny
 

If you have facebook try this. Air Traffic Control. The Funny Side

Made me laugh

At EGBJ whilst taxiing for a 09 departure...
(can't account for the actual transcript but it went something like this)

A/C on flinals: G-xx just had a bird strike, continuing approach
TWR: roger, it appears to be a seagul, still hanging off your right main
A/C: Affirm, we'll vacate at the end and inspect damage on the taxiway if possibe
TWR: affirm
some time later
A/C: Gloster TWR G-xx, no apparent damage so we'll taxi to hanger, however this seagul has no legs to stand on
TWR: Roger, thats figures, the apron vehicle just found them on the runway, clear taxi.

made me chuckle!

Can't remember the exact transmission, heard this on Tuesday morning.

London: ABC123 cleared direct xxxx
ABC123: Roger, cleared direct xxxx, eerrrrmmm whatever my call sign is
London: ABC123!
ABC123: Yeah that's it!

Made me smile early in the morning.

little something that happened to my classmate on his first flight after he got PPL

a/c: i'm loooooooooooooooooost
ATC: ok, where are you?
a/c: ummmmmmm, circling over a city
ATC: good for you, what do you see
a/c: forest
ATC: great, what else
a/c: dunno


not really and actual conversation, but something similar
also this was in slovenian language on FIS, we had a lot of laughs on this one since than

Happened in here a couple of days ago. USAF C-130 with callsign SixPackXX

Control: SixPackXX, XXXXX, established FL210 enroute XXXX. Be advised, ROZ XXXXX guns hot to 200, maintain heading.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, Sixpack XX, Copy.

A minute later the 130 starts dropping altitude getting close to the ROZ where fighters are operating. The controller starts to get angry and gets on the radio.

Control: !!!!!BAGXX, ELEVATE FL210.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, SixPackXX, was that for us?
Control: YES, unless you want a new F-15 hood ornament.
SixPackXX: That would make us a little too nose-heavy. Elevating to FL210.

____________________________________________________________ __

ABCD12 is a UAV and the link between the ground station and aircraft went down.

Control: ABCD12, XXXXX, You are leaving your assigned airspace. Having problems?
ABCD12: We have lost the link, the a/c will maintain speed and heading until it is re-established.
Control: Well get new batteries in that remote and get it back in your airspace before it hits a real airplane.

____________________________________________________________ __

More shenanigans over Afghanistan

Control: DUDEXX, XXXXX, what airspace would you like today?
DUDEXX: All of it.
Control: DUDEXX, say again?
DUDEXX: I want all airspace.
Control: DUDEXX Affirm. Elevate to FL800 call when established.
DUDEXX: Ummm...... I don't think that's going to work......
Control: Then you better figure out which airspace you need or I am putting you in the corner....

Thinks.... why "elevate" instead of "climb"? What do they say for "descend"?