Heard on EGNX Approach this evening:

(Pilot, obviously pressing wrong button): " I suggest you guys sit down now, this might be a little bumpy".....

ATC Lady: I am sitting down!

:p

Nice sunny, calm evening in Scotland.

Male Voice: "Lossie Radar, good evening; hot air balloon rising through 2000ft, one five miles north west of Inverness, heading in a generally south easterly direction; request flight information service."

Lossie Radar: "Are you transponder equiped?"

Balloon: "Negative".

Annonymous Voice: "Make a turn for radar identification".

Recently:

"Easy One Yankee Yankee, contact Maastricht Control on channel 132.755."

"Maastricht on 132.755, Easy One Wankee Yankee."

Sadly, there were no Americans on the freq.

i'm not an atco, or pilot, just an enthusiast !

overheard yesterday whilst i was listening to tower departures at EGLL to hear Concorde go

a speedbird callsign was being lined up at one of the entry points to the runway, and the tower controller stated "we'll try to give you as much runway as possible"

to which a laughing pilot replied "thats always a bonus"

made me chuckle !

A Midland crew having a bad hair day at Manch having already admitted as much by missing hold Tango 1, after take off....

Tower:- Midland 123, check squawk 1234

Midland 123 :- Roger, Squawk 1234

Tower:- That's better, you were a BMI Baby going to Edinburgh. It's a left turn to London, contact Manchester Control 134.42...

A couple of weeks ago.....
A/c "lost" tug, got new slot, then.. "Is that a/c going to hold us up?" "Can we take link xx?" "Why are we no3?" etc
On departue, tower "handed him over" with the following...."Contact Departure on 1xxx.xx, and feel free to whinge to them as well":ok:
Reply..."Roger"
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

The other week while flying around coventry listening in to the comms

EGBE tower: G-XXXX can you please tell me where you are flying its just that i've forgot my crystal ball today

Glad this thread is still going. Have remember a story from when I was a Freddie in the RN. I wasn't controlling at the time, my opposite number on D89 had the headset on. Anyway we were doing trials post refit with FRA Falcons from Bournemouth in the South Coast Areas. Went something like this:

"Freddie good afternoon, Broadway 22 with you"
"Broadway 22 afternoon, squawk 0021"
"Squawk 0022, Broadway 21"
"Er.... negative.... squawk 0021, Broadway 22"
"Squawk 0021, Broadway 21, er 22"

Well we thought it was funny at the time.

Arrivals controller, with a close sequence of 7, asks Approach how he wants them. Approach replies "ahhh, 5 miles between them is fine". Arrivals controller (a known character) promptly works his arse off, and all 7 aircraft hit 30 DME exactly 5 miles apart..............laterally.

LAUGH OR CRY ?

Few years back 0200 on our regular night freight trip into Brussels....

Miserable night..Cloud base approx 250ft... on the ÝLS inside the marker, atc..'' XXX xxxx you're cleared to land R25R'' short time later we break out and see flashing lights mid-way down the runway..turns out to be a 747 Classic still sitting there... ''XXXxxxx is going around'' atc..''er... you are not landing then ??''

I must say guys, this thread has had me in fits of laughter for hours! Keep up the good posts !! :D

/ww

Quick one I heard about from Perth Oz (I think it was Perth from memory)

A/C - Tower, there appears to be a flock of ducks crossing the field from east to west at about 300ft.

TWR (quick as a flash) - Caution, Drake Turbulence

Wasn't mine, but a good one anyway.....

heard this the other day at blackpool :

" blackpool ryanair 383 still working manch request your weather"
"ryanair 383 blackpool it's a lovely day here"
"dat'll do - tanks a million - call you when released "

And I though you were going to say it was raining and you can have it with pleasure

Golf-India Bravo

Couple of weeks ago heard at Glasgow

BMI Embraer having vacated the runway holding short of the apron on Delta with PA 32 behind, one aircraft just landed on the runway and one on the ILS.

Grnd : Golf-** could you move closer to the BMI

PA-32: "Yes but only if you promise he won't give us too much of a blowjob when he moves off."

Grnd: "BMI*** cleared to stand ** not too much thrust please, light aircraft behind you"

BMI: "We'll try and be gentle with it"

I can't count for the complete accuracy of it as we were laughing so much.

A couple of vaugely ATC stories:

Rans S6 inbound to Southampton:
For those who don’t know it, the Rans S6 is a tube and fabric home built, about the same size and shape as a Cessna 150, but with Cub-like glazing around the cockpit.

The Rans was already on finals when a Speedbird flight, also inbound, called up:
TWR: “Speedbird xxx, you are number two to a Rans S6 on short Finals.”
Speedbird: “And what pray, is a Rans S6?”
TWR: “It’s a sort of see-through Cessna, Sir.”


A couple of years ago at Gillespie Field, San Diego, doing the required night hours for one of the American Ticket. This was mostly bashing the circuit, getting noticeably darker after the landing light quit. Others in the circuit were reporting various wildlife on the runway and taxiways. I didn’t see any, probably due to aforementioned lack of landing light. At the end of the session while taxing in:

N..293: “Tower, N293 with a question.”
TWR: “’293 Go Ahead.”
N.293: “If I’d seen three cats on the runway at the same time, could I log it as a CAT III approach?”
TWR: “We’ll let you know!”

Many moons ago, in the mid 80's, there I was working Ground at Lajes in the Azores. Glorious summer morning.
Please bear in mind that this happened before the Wall came down.
Now, Lajes ATC was, and still is, manned by mixed nationality ATC's from the USAF and the Portuguese AF.
British Nimrod calls up for clearance. We get it off Santa Maria OAC, and about 20 minutes after that he calls for taxi.
Since he's the only thing moving in the field I'm only kind of glancing at him every now and again.
Almost in slow motion the guy working Flight Data (an American) gets up, reaches for the binoculars and goes "What the F:mad:k ...???"
You see, the Nimrod has a kind of hatch on top of the fuselage, which in this occasion was open.
Out of it was one of the crewmembers happily waving a HUGE SOVIET UNION FLAG.
Out of a British Nimrod.
In a Nato base.

Needless to say, the Americans went beserk.
Crash phone activated for a possible hijack, military police cars full of armed boys swarming all over the aircraft, fire engines blocking the runway.

In the mean time, trying to control my tears of laughter at both the british joke and the look on the yanks faces, I managed to tell the, by this time having serious second thoughts, aircraft commander to shut down is engines, open his doors and prepare to be borded.

Heard afterwards that he had a lot to explain to his Squadron Leader.

Cheers

Two recent ones at Cranfield.

I was on finals to land on Runway 22 (I fly fixed wing...).

Me: G-MM finals 22 to land
ATC: G-MM cleared to land HOTEL 22
Me: cleared to land erm... HOTEL 22?? request auto-rotation in that case
ATC: oh.. sorry.. cleared to land 22, and bonus points for the autorotation.

---

One clear calm evening in October, overheard an aircraft approaching from the northeast.

A/C: G-XX request rejoin and we'd like a couple circuits.
ATC: G-XX approved, surface wind is calm, nothing in the circuit, which runway would you like?
A/C: We'll take all 4, all with left turns in that case.
ATC: errrrr... oooooooookay make straight-in for runway 22
...
A/C: G-XX finals touch and go runway 22
ATC: G-XX cleared touch and go runway 22, 36, 04, and 18, just don't get too dizzy.



Leland

Acft calling for clearance on GMC Freq at night

F/O doing the radio work gives the parking stand and destination
Capt shouts out 330 in the backround F/O says requesting FL330.

They are required to pass reg to us with all the above as well.

Me as GMC controller "Could the guy in the back shout out the registration as well please"

usual fits of laughter from all around

Last week a certain British carrier had a pilot in a hurry.

Can't remember exactly what was said, but it was along the lines of:

ATC - BAW123, leave LAM heading 270, no speed restriction.
BAW123 (female voice)- Uh, ok LAM heading 270, and we'll keep it high speed as the Captain is in a hurry, he needs to get to House of Fraser (department store in UK).

All with the nervous laughter of male voice in background.