PPRuNe Forums - ATC Humour (Merged)

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Got quite a few from being in and around the simulator during Emergency Training..

ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, SHT 4H, we've got cock in the smokepit. (Think about it)

ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, BMA5NL, we've got a left hand fire engine ( and that one!)

ATCO - AAL23, turn right, radar heading 365.
ACPO - Roger, heading 365
ATCO - In fact, better make that 005!

ATCO - EZY305, make your rate of climb in the descent 2000fpm

ATCO P - The Amtran's looking for 230
ATCO e - F**K the Amtran, keep at 180

Two spring to mind
Preston [Procedural] Controller:rolleyes: to Preston [Radar] guy,
"When the Inbound to Belfast at FL220 has passed the Outbound from Belfast at FL230 you can descend the Inbound:confused: "
Same chap.
Navy Devonxxx Mayday Mayday Double engine failure....
Roger Navyxxx Maintain FL80, Traffic beneath you:rolleyes:
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

(helpful controller on CLN trying to ascertain a good/bad time for another controller to go sub load to the Far East0

ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938; Affirm our callsign is CCA938.
Unidentified B.A Why don't you try ordering a takeaway?:)

Some of the highlights copied from similar thread in Dunnuda and Godzone at the moment

-------------------------------------------
Melbourne ATC: Virgin *** blah blah blah

Virgin ***: Sorry MEL could you say again, you were in with a Flight Attendant.

MEL ATC: I wish!

------------------------------------------------
Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.

BN Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.

IXC India X-ray Charlie go ahead.

BN India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127,
climbing 7000, estimating Coen,...........ahhhhhhh Stand by.

IXC India X-ray Charlie request.

BN Go ahead.

IXC Ahhhhhhhhh............... rodger, I seem to have left my flight
plan in the fax machine at home....................Don't suppose
you could give me my flight details.

After a minutes pause......

BN (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You
have departed Weipa.

Another pause

IXC Ahhhhhhhhhh...........rodger, I kinda know that much.

BN (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.

Another pause

IXC You guys are goung to drag this out for a while just to
embarrass me aren't you.

This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.

---------------------------------------------------

Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.

After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;

Me " Qantas Cairns QF 123"

QF CNS " QF 123 go ahead"

Me " Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!"

Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!

Chuck.

----------------------------------------------------

As one of only 2 lady controllers at my unit you get used to flirtatious comments over the R/T but one particular J41 Captain at my unit was often a little OTT.
This captain inbound late one evening reported in at 6 miles realising it was me asked if "he could take the full length"
my response was "naturally". Anyhow the J41 landed and vacated the runway at an intermediate holding point.
ATC : "if that is what you call the full length than I am extremely disappointed"
J41 Captain "I think you call it premature intersection"

How do you respond to that !!!

--------------------------------------------------------

Again two J41 aircraft inbound to the field, the first aircraft established inbound on the ILS, second aircraft reports visual with the field requesting a visual approach.
ATC: are you visual with the company Jetstream in your 1 o'clock
range 6miles.
J41 : negative are you sure you mean in my 1 o'clock.
ATC : try looking to the right of your 12 o'clock
J41 : visual .

And we trust them to fly people !!

Hi all.
Just loged onto site, these cracked me up, please keep them coming. most amusing
Heard this at an airport south east.
Controller- can you make 1 left hand orbit so I can get the shorts skyvan in before you, then I can get you in
Pilot- yes maam' you get your shorts down , and I'll come in from behind.
That floored me too...:D

another one i remember from gutersloh. usaf c23(shorts3-30 or was it 3-60?) taxying out, he spies a twin pioneer on the ramp "say what type is that?" thats a twin pioneer says the ground controller "boy we thought we were ugly" say the yanks.

This guy was filing a VFR flight plan with Detroit Radio (FSS). Everything went okay as the FSS specialist prompted the pilot through the flight plan form, item by item.

DET: Number aboard?
N1234: Two
DET: Color?
N1234: uh...white males.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overheard on approach to San Jose, California (KSJC):

TOWER: American 332, cleared for takeoff.
AMERICAN 332: We already did that.
TOWER: Uh, American 332, contact Bay Departure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Infamous female FC ( fighter controller ) : whilst on a night shift, she walked unnoticed into the Ops Rm, and was listening to a bunch of lads discussing the physical merits and attributes of a new girlie just posted in.

Although said FC had a great sense of humour, she feigned shock horror at the graphic tone of the conversation, and the fact that we hadn't noticed she was there.

"Maybe I'll have to put bells on my shoes, then you can all hear me coming !" She announced.

She then wondered why we were all doubled up laughing ! :D

The setting:

Me instructing an Air Training Corps Cadet for his PPL. We're doing a cross-country flight. He's a good, keen student; I'm barely conscious, as this is the third student of the day on the same route, and it's a glorious summer's day.

XXX Approach being manned by a guy I think is now at Brussels FMU, then also a part time instructor at same flight school, one of the funniest wits I have ever known, and he knows I'm on board.

Student passes over a turning point, get's himself onto his new track, works out his ETA for the next point, and then does a position report:

"XXX Approach, G-WK was overhead YYY at time 51, 2000 feet, VMC, estimate XXX at 68".

"G-WK, XXX Approach, roger, turn right heading 370°"

Pause of about 30 seconds, controller transmitts, "Did he turn?"

Reply: "Yup....." and then sound of "...Oouch" from student as I twang an earpiece from one of his ears!!!!! :rolleyes:

And, on the Shorts 360 theme:

Definition of a Shorts 360?

The box the Twin Otter came in

:D :D :D

Keep 'em coming, guys !!!

At an airfield far far away...

ATC "1234 set QNH 1008 mbs"

Pilot "Negative, request QFE. We're British military and we fly on QFE."

ATC "1234, this is a QNH airfield and procedure. I say again, set QNH 1008 mbs"

Pilot "Well, I say again, we're British military and we fly on QFE"

ATC "1234 roger, have it your way, set QFE 817 mbs"

Not long ago I heard a 777 pilot on Gatwick Radar ask for a slower approach as they'd been cleared quicker than anticipated up to that point and the cabin crew had not finished serving breakfast!

The controller slowed him down and just before giving a vector for the ILS he asked if they were OK, or did he want to go around the block again!

He replied "no we're fine, thanks for your help.

Here's another altimetry based one:

USAF making approach to RAF airfield:

APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 2,000 feet, QNH 1009"
Punchy22: "Errr, request that in inches please Sir?"
APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 24,000 inches, QNH 1009"

:D :D :D

Just two to add,

Training at Latcc, Busy holding in the morning and having rattled off a diversion route to egcc, the reply in a wonderful southern drawl " can you say again after leave MERLY? Iwrite about as slow as I talk"

And from a NWA by GIBSO after 3 calls to climb and in an indignant voice "London we were in a turn!!"

Cheers all.....

While trying to work out a sequence a few years ago:

Me G-XX, report your range
G-XX About 4 hours on full tanks.

Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".

:)

Same Theme:D
EIAPC [a Bristol Frightener] going backwards on estimates...
"Preston, E-PC what's your speed?"
"50kts", quickly followed by a[very] thick brogue, "Dat's a lie, we're doin' a hundred and ten"
Well it was funny at the time:D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

True story
KLM 747 right downwind given sequence "KLMXX you are no.2 to Shorts 360 at outer marker" reply "Roger commencing short 360 now" ooops

Hey, flowman:

Would you be the same guy I refered to in my post, above?

The same guy who did the faultless Basil Fawlty and James Mason impressions??

The same guy who used to drink with "Fox", "Claw" and "Cunningham" at the Europa, amongst other places??

If so, post a reply here, then I'll give you an e-mail address!

Need some humour?

True story, i was in the ops when happened.

Atc sees a conflict of about 6 miles minimum separation (5 is the standard here) between a german carrier and a russian one. The german was on the climb and the other mantaining fl350. The atco, as there was nothing else to do decides just to monitor.Suddenly, when the a/c were goingo to be the closest (6nm) the russian a/c turns (luckily in an avoiding heading):

atc: xxx confirm you just did a right turn!!??

rus a/c: affirm...there is traffic

atc: xxx roger...for your info traffic is blablabla and we remind you sir that u are allowed to turn but u have to inform us because blalbalbla.....and by the way, did you get a tcas warning?

rus a/c: affirm

atc: was it an ta or ra?

rus a/c: It was...eh...hum...it was the yellow thing

Just no words about that. But it's true. Actually even a bit concerning, cause the same carrier in another situation did a turn when locked on heading because they thought it was only 3nm out.

For: pennypitstop22

No its not me, but I work with the guy you are referring to. I'll make sure our friend knows you are asking about him and perhaps we can sort out some contact info.

And he still does all that sh!t. Very entertaining, very nice chap.

Cheers,

flowman

Thanks, flowman, I look forward to it! Tell him it's Claw that's asking about him.

Penny - Hello darling !:D

Jav:

I've told you before, you must not call me that. I'm respectible, now! ;) :D :D

A couple of years ago, a A300 ST Beluga checking in :

"- Hello Bordeaux, this is Super Transporter F-AD, with you FL330.

- Super Transporter AD, bonjour, you're so lucky : this is Super Controller speaking !"

Made me really laugh back then...

It's an older one that happened here in LSZH. SWR 101 was on normal days a B747 inbound to Zurich from JFK. ACC called the APP controller and told them that SWR 101 was coming in with only 3 engines today (in fact it was an MD-11 on this day!) The Approach Controller immediately notified the fire brigade, everything was prepared for a one engine out landing with a 747. The pilots didn't get it as the APP ATCo told them that the fire brigade was ready, and the fire brigade was pretty upset, when they saw an MD-11 on final approach ;)

Ladies and Gentlemen of Swanwick:

If you still haven't had enough of this wonderful humour and have a quiet period in your duties, may I suggest you get on the landline to EGBB tower. Assuming they are not busy also, you may persuade them to give you some of the gems that they have been assiduously collecting in a large volume for many years. I got a photocopy of it several years ago on one of my visits, and I do hope that it is still in operation.

Remember, EGBB was (is) the home of David (Bunny) Gunson!!!

Kindest regards, and thanks for all the wonderful control services received over the years.

P.P.;)

Not long after a couple pilots were caught drinking and flying... controller working a busy enroute sector was querried about the rides ahead by a crew of the afformentioned airline.

yyz "how are the rides at 280?"

yyz cntlr to ual 737 4o mi ahead "ualxxx how is your ride?"

ualxxx " white caps on the coffee, toronto."

yyz to original pilot of afflicted airline(with perfect deadpan delivery)

"___xxx the ride is good for mixing drinks":eek:

I am watching trainee...who is passing traffic between two heavies "...two thosand below"

pilot "hey yyz confirm traffic is 2000 below"

trainee " oh no sorry he is 2000 above"

pilot "O.K. thanks yyz, I thought I was upside down there for a moment" ;)

Here are some rather weird ones I've heard in Jakarta...

1. CGK ATC trying to show the Europeans that we can direct traffic accordingly. (LH779 with JKT Arrivals)

"Jakarta Arrivals, Lufthansa779, passing FL345 for FL120 direct Delta Kilo India"
"Lufthansa779, Guten Tag, if you want, I can give you a 200 heading, descend at 5000 feet per minute down to 3000 on by the downwind 07L at max speed to be ahead of traffic. Do you want that sir?"
"Errr... errr.... ("Ja! let's do it" is heard in the background), OK we'll take that sir, heading 200 down to 3000 max speed and... 5000feet per minute?"
"Affirmative 779, report altitude now"
"Lufthansa779 passing 330" (16.46 local time)

I timed it...
(16.51) "Lufthansa779 contact approach on 1**.**, maintain speed until 3000 feet, we have heavy traffic behind"
"1**.** Lufthansa779"
(16.52)
"Jakarta Approach, Lufthansa779 at 3000 feet and slowing down"
"Lufthansa779, thank you for the fast descent, slow down to 220kts for traffic"

2. Why KLM causes confusion overshoots at CGK once in a while...
(KLM837 vs. Jakarta Approach)

"Jakarta approach, KLM837 passing 120 for 6000 on heading 230"
"KLM837, descend to 3000, cancel speed restriction"
"errr, KLM837 would like a self imposed 250knots below ten please. Do we have traffic behind?"
"KLM837, negative on speed, please maintain at least 280 knots, we have 5 behind you and tight"

3. How to handle poor English speaking pilots. (not meaning to be racists, we too have some very BAD pilots and ATCOs, but this one is neat!" (CGK Delivery vs. CS*** helped by CX710)

"Jakarta Delively, China Southern *** request clearance to Guangzhou"
"China Southern ***, cleared via route **** until **** and then to route **** flight level 370, what's your POB, registration and type please"
"China southern *** is Boeing 757, 1-8-6 on board, Bravo-####"
"China southern *** confirm route readback is correct please"
"China Southern *** is cleared to (and some unintelligable words)"
"China Southern ***, please readback again"
same thing happens... after 3 attempts,
"all stations this is Jakarta Clearance delivery, anyone speak Mandarin?"
Cathay710 offered help and problem was solved...

4. What we do to arrogant pilots. (CGK Ground & Tower vs. SQ161)

"Ground, Indonesia***, we've got generator failure. on txy A. Request tug please."
"Indonesia***, tug is on the way"
"Thai414, please use Bravo for 25R report passing the Indonesia 737"
"Thai414, err, we're inbetween alpha and bravo, and stuck sir"
"All station, this is Ground, All stations on northern side please STOP. Traffic jam"
"Singapore161, Ground, please standby"
"Singapore161 cannot accept ANY delay sir, we must depart immediately, can we use 25L, we don't mind the taxy."

So SQ161 was cleared to taxy all the way around the airport to the other side.
However, he had to hold short of a few incoming traffic to the southern terminal. SQ161 was not pleased.

"Singapore161, hold short of taxiway Kilo (or something) for incoming Merpati737"
"Singapore161, holding short, can we fast taxy to 25R please sir, we're running late now"
"161 standby"
"Thai414, Indonesia*** is now clear of you, proceed to 25R via alpha"

The race was on between TG414 for 25R and SQ161 for 25L... An A333 racing down alpha, and a 744 racing down delta... each is out of sight of the other.

"Singapore161 approaching holding 25L, request immediate take off."
"NEGATIVE 161, hold short of 25L"
"Thai414, thank you for your patience, behind approaching Garuda737, cancel SID, track direct PLB when airborne, line up 25R, standby for clearance"
"Singapore161, please hold short25L, we have 2 landing for 25L"
"Singapore161 is ready for rolling take off SIR!" (he's voice, already annoying the controllers, became more annoying)
"161 hold short... Mandala073 cleared to land 25L"
Then, "Mandala493, cleared to land 25L"
"Thai414, cleared for take off 25R"
"Singapore161, after Mandala493 on short finals, line up 25L"
after the Mandala493,
"SINGAPORE161 IS READY FOR TAKE OFF 25L"
"Singapore161, maintain position to maintain separation with Thai414"
"&&*^&^$#^@" from SQ161.

5. Last but not least... don't annoy controllers, they can REALLY waste your money. (Halim Tower vs. USAF171)

"Halim Tower, Air Force 171 on outer marker, missed approach ILS runway 24."
"Air Force 171, can you go back to outer marker please we have 4 coming in on 06"
"Negative for 171, we're already down on the ILS 24."
"PK-TSN, Tower, Cleared to land runway 06, ALL STATIONS be advised Airforce171 is on ILS24 for missed approach, upon go around, turn hard right to 180 at 1500 feet and await further instructions"
"PK-TSN go around as instructed, aircraft on the runway"
"PK-TSN heading 180 and climb to 1500"
"Air Force171 missing approach, and What the ! WHY IS HE SO CLOSE?"
"Air Force171 turn to 010, Climb to 5000, contact approach"
"171, we're going to do another approach sir!"
"Airforce 171, TURN TO 010, CLIMB TO 5000, CONTACT APPROACH"

"Approach, Air Force171, climbing to 5000 runway turning to 010"
"Air Force171, to keep you from chaos, track to and hold on outermarker runway 24 and climb to 6000 until traffic is cleared."
"errr, how many is coming ?"
"AirForce171, there is still 6 coming in for 06, expect hold for 45 minutes"

6. An ATCO that may need his brain replaced.

A few days ago, GA210 I think, was going Jakarta-Jogjakarta. Planned route is PW NDB(Purwakarta) -BDO VOR (Bandung) -CLP VOR (Cilacap) and then to Jogjakarta. Here it goes...

"Jakarta, Indonesia210, on climb passing 140 for flight level 240 tracking direct to Papa Whiskey, requesting direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Indonesia210, climb to flight level 280 and track direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Direct Cilacap and Flight Level 280 thank you, Indonesia210"
"It's Charlie Lima Papa 210. You say Cilacap again and you'll track original planned route and I will report you. Now repeat clearance please."
"errr, sorry sir. Flight Level 280 and direct Charlie.... Lima... Papa... Indonesia210"

Hope you enjoy these... they happened !
PK-KAR

what is david gunson doing now? im guessing hes retired , my brother in law heard his after dinner spech a couple of years ago, he thought he was excellent.

"Bunny" Gunson is at a venue near"Stockport" very soon.
Time, venue and Price ASAP
:D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Someone touched on the Dan Air hilarious R/T moment at Aberdeen. I could not resist telling it again.

A Dan Air flight is running late into Aberdeen and he eventually changes from Scottish to Aberdeen Approach.

A/C 'Aberdeen Good day its the F*****g Dan Air 123.

An uncomfortable pause lasts for a few moments and the controller eventually responds as he would normally would. However despite the controller using the correct callsign the pilot operating the R/T still persisted in saying 'F*****g Dan Air 123'.

The flight was handed over to the tower frequency and the pilot continued to use this 'modified' callsign. The tower controller was just as surprised as their colleague was on approach but nevertheless the pilot continued to use the modified callsign right until the aircraft taxied onto stand.

When the aircraft pulled onto stand the pilot called tower and suggested that they should listen to the current ATIS.

The ATIS was recorded as normal however in the background you could hear a certain Approach controller shout out 'Where is that F******g Dan Air'. :)

A good laugh!

MG

Heard this on a company frequency;

" All our toilets are not working. Can we have permission to give the passengers comp drinks?"

Wonders will never cease!!!

Bunny Gunson
Cheadle WMC £25 per ticket
SOLD OUT
Boldocks!
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

ATC: "The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
Pilot: "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
ATC: "Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

:D

Take my Wife...............................No please take her!

<Rolling around on the floor>

:p

Got a 3yr old Ka for the "ex" yesterday,
Bl**dy good swap if you ask me:D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Trainee Controller "Dash 1, turn right heading 370"

Dash 1 "Confirm right 370?"

Trainee Controller "Er... Negative Left 370":rolleyes:

We laughed out loud for ages.:D

Hello. Wanna share with ya all something that happened yesterday at maastricht freq 132.615:

Controller: UALXXX contact maastricht on 132.085
Pilot1: roger, maastricht 132.085* UALXXX
*:at this time, the other pilot starts as well the readback and you could hear "in stereo" the same correct reply....
Cont: UALXXX you are both correct
no reply
A couple of transmissions later UALXXX comes back and says: maas, can you confirm the freq was 134865??, we got no reply there...

I know for this guys it can be pretty hard when they have been flying for 13 hours...but they had just departed!!I remember you have coffe on board, use it!!

Uzbhek123 calling from procedural airspace for radar ident prior to handover and descent.

UZB123, inbound.

Area: UZB123, squawk ident on 1234.

UZB123 squawking ident 1234, IL18, FL310, 67NM to *****, and we have admirals onboard, request descend now.

UZB123, identified, and say again last.

UZB123 request descent, we have admirals, admirals on board.

Panic now ensues as all the possibilities start racing thru the head- these guys are supposed to have diplomatic clearance, are they defecting, are they being chased, or are they just VIP status ?? etc etc.

then after a few minutes; UZB123 we have admirals, you know, livestock, on board.