Heard a good one during training. 'Helicopter XXX cleared hover taxi to dispersal and caution pedestrians', Readback ' Cleared hover taxi to dispersal and Roger the Pedestrians'

About a month ago I heard a private aircraft request transit though the overhead of a local airfield. It was granted by the female ATCO with an instruction to report overhead.

When the ATCO requested the a/c position a few minutes later, I was rather bemused to hear the male GA pilot reporting overhead as follows.

"I'm coming across you now"...with no callsigns and less than standard RT phraseology, I wasn't sure if this was my dirty mind or the pilot having a giggle...:rolleyes:

One from t'other day
Gxxxx O/H John Lennon [Squeek] a/f
Gxxxx, Manc Apc, "Can I take some photies of J L Intl please?"
Manch Apc, "Gxx, have you got a camera?"
Gxx, "Yes"
Manch Apc, "Well carry on then"
:D :D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Pilot: "How far behind traffic are we?"
ATC: "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
ATC: "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you ... that's three miles."

:p

overheard at Birmingham international
 

Tower: "Report passing 2000"
A/C "Passed 2000 some time ago"
Tower "We have had our weetabix today haven't we"

Well, it lightened the day for a while...

One from EGPF the other day. controller dealing with 7600 just transferred to discreet frequency, using speechless code:

"G-XX Glasgow, are you on this, once for yes, twice for no"

Much laughing and falling off chairs all around

A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.

ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?

BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)

Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.

BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth! :D

Select zone,

Was it EGKB.....?

I always enjoy winding up a vertain " F" ATCO there..........!

Edited coz it said FATCO....... OOOOOOOPPPPSSSS...!:D :D :D :eek:

BA Pilot - Speedbird XXX long finals

ATC - Roger Speedbird XXX, i had you in at number 1 but now you're number two to the fokker 100

BA Pilot - OOO you big bully

Just last week:

"Cessna 172 calling, say again your callsign and type of aircraft."

At the weekend:-

Aircraft - XXX Tower G-XXXX on the 26th october 2002 at 2:20pm radio check and taxi instructions.

Surely there is no need for a calender check as well

:D Flash0710, indeed it was EGKB! Nice one, it did make me laugh...zero reaction from the tower, very professional :D

A few years ago, a colleague of mine was teaching Gazelle to Army Student pilots at Middle Wallop. On one of the night navigation sorties, the route would take them out along the South coast and away from the more well known ATC lands. Here the students would be introduced to the services that could be offered by London Information. Earlier in the sortie the student had discovered that his PTT switch had a tendency to stick in and it was fast approaching the annoying stage. His opening call went as follows:
"London Information, Good evening, Army Air XXX, (then, discovering his switch had stuck again) "Aw you C**t!"
The totally unflustered reply came back "Army Air XXX, Good evening to you - you B@stard!"

Dunno details or whether its true or not but this made me laugh!!

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"

and another:-

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. You make one more landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." :) :) :D

FB

A Classic from a BA ex jet jock on ATR's renowned for "excessive" Taxi speed.

Taxing out

Gatwick Ground... " Flyer XXXX er you are taxing too fast

Capt " We're the boys!

My hero..

Cockpit: "The first officer says he's got the runway in sight."
ATC: "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27Right ... you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."

:p

Heard yesterday afternoon...and still laughing!!

---Atc : PGTxxx (inb EHAM) descend fl 260 to cross N**** fl 280 or below

---Freq blocked by two stations

---Atc : that was blocked...Pgtxxx can you confirm descending fl 260 to cross N**** fl 280 or below?

---Pgtxxx : (the pilot suonded pretty busy)that's...er...that's conffirmative!

we missed the next two calls...just laughing too loud

Situation: Military base near Wittering, small white exec jet taxying for take off. Air Officer Commanding at the controls.

Tower: ASCOT 1234, from the supervisor, you're taxying too fast

ASCOT: From the AOC, I'll taxy as fast as I bloody well like

Happened to me some weeks ago...

F-16 fighter crossing my (Bardufoss/ENDU) CTR (class D) and i give traffic information about a P-28.......

TWR: "Leo 23, traffic one Piper Archer overhead Solbergfjord 3.000 ft"

F-16: "Leo 23- WILCO!"

Wondered a bit about his intentions........

:cool:

I heard this today...:D

Aircraft: Callsign 123 for pushback please

London Control: I'd love to give you that but this is the London TMA and you're on the ground...

Rather snooty capt: "Good morning tower BirdseedXXX requesting the information"

TWR: "Good morning BirdseedXXX, surface wind light and variable, Runway in use is 23, temperature +15, dew point +5, QNH 1016.

Rather snooty capt: "Can you be a bit more specific about the wind tower?"

TWR: "Certainly, 270 to 090, 1 knot gusting 2"!

flowman:D

A few years ago I was trundling along from Swansea to Popham

Cardiff Tower - G-xxxx pass your message

Moi - CDF Tower G-xxxx Piper Cub enroute Swansea to Popham at 2,000 ft on QNH 999 Currently North abeam you, transiting to the East of your zone.

Cardiff Tower - G-xxxx, F-27 traffic leaving Cardiff ahead of you climbing to FL 20 or whatever level. Can you route behind?

Moi - I'm in a Cub Cardiff...........

At JNB this week at NTW B722 to DBN on GMC freq was told that his FPL was filed incorrectly as a B732 and asked to check with his ops if they had refiled
reply "Ground we can go down on 2 engines then if that will speed things up"

ATC: "American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

:D

Heard over the airwaves in Med region, just after a light a/c landed on a very busy day.....

'XXXXXX make a 360 and backtrack, expedite' :confused:

I overheard this conversation one late night while over the Med west of Crete:

Athinai Control: Airline XXX you are cleared direct to ABC point.

Airline XXX: standby please

Athinai Control: Don't you have a map?

:D :D :D

Hope it's not on the previous pages yet.

Over Germany:

Aircraft: " Rhein goodmorning, abc123, out of 190 for 230, looking for 270."

Rhein ctl:" goodmorning abc123, It should be some"v"ere between 26 and 280."

Cruising round the WILLO hold one fine afternoon not so long ago, a UK charter 737 checks in:

ABC123 - "Afternoon *** this is ABC123 descending FL110 to HOLLY."
ATC - "ABC123 roger, route HOLLY, WILLO to hold."
ABC123 - "Roger, Hollow Willy to hold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

How we laughed!!!!!!!
:p

Non ATC but Kinda Funny....

Same pilot as mentioned earlier ( Fast Taxi )

Pilot again taxiing like a demon to the hold for departure in an ATR

For some reason has to stop suddenly. Enter stewardess who was doing the demonstration against the cockpit door.

Now spreadeagle on the centre console Pilot looks down cooly asks " Suppose a blow job is out of the question ..? " And then continues to taxi.....

:D :D :D :D :D

Cruising eastbound through Maastricht towards Germany:-

Maastricht Controller - "Route ABC - DEF - GHI due to military activity. Don't worry, they're not at war, they're only practising.."



:eek: :D :eek:

A/field somewhere in Lincolnshire:

"Heli C/s you're clear to land on the testicles...

"I mean spectacles..."

Ballsy move!!
:D

Heard yesterday on Manchester Arrival ATIS at about 1030z

"This is Manchester Arrival information Delta.....

and then in the background someone loudly shouts:

"F*CK OFF"

The guy reading the ATIS just carries on....very professional!

Anyone else hear it?

Fam-flying in the jumpseat of a Swissair Airbus 310 a few years ago , enroute Geneva to Manchester and over Paris approaching the Channel . There was a lot of babble in French on the frequency and after a couple of minutes of this I heard "Speak English you lot" !!!

Funnies
 

Hi all,

ATC tx to a fighter jet displaying at an airshow:

"fastjet XXX, be advised, there's smoke coming from the back of your aircra .... ah, disregard, I see you've already ejected"

Heard a few months ago late evening --scheduled airline heading for LGW just passing BARLU
Good evening again ladies and gentlemen, we are just beginning our descent into London Gatwick where the weather is good a lovely clear evening 10degCelcius and we are landing into Gatwick from the east--SUDDEN SILENCE
ATC---THAT WAS LOVELY GB**** NOW GO AND TELL IT TO YOUR PASSENGERS!!!!

Heard several years ago on the ATIS:

"Manchester Information No Bananas, Time xxxx, Runway in use....."

Never heard an explanation.

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers..."

:D

Track V two nights ago - another American asking for a ride report asked if anyone had any nibbles yet.......... Sorry, couldn't resist saying that we had peanuts and pretzels if that was OK.

CharleyB
Similar vein...
Qantas B747 taxies at Manch...Ladies and Gentlemen,etc,etc. When "advised" of his faux pas, he replied "B*gger, that's the FIRST time in 27 years of flying":D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Many moons ago from a friend at LATCC having trouble with a transitting IL-18:


LATCC: Socialist 007: Do you have transponder on board?

007: Negative, only agricultural equipment..............!