Early morning at Frankfurt (allegedly)

Speedbird 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Negative Speed bird 123, hold position.
Lufthansa 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Clear taxi, Lufthansa 123.
Speedbird 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Negative 123, hold position.
Lufthansa 456: Request taxi.
Twr: Clear taxi, Lufthansa 456
Speedbird 123: Why are we still holding?
Lufthansa 456: German pilots get up early and put their towels on the end of the runway.

:D

On the Hurn Sector,LATCC, early morning many eons ago.
Only 2 on freq, BA from BOS and People Express 747 from EWR.

(It helps if you know that People Express had a job-sharing ethic throughout the company.)

Several calls to "People 2" get no reply and then a white-glove equipped voice comes from the ether saying
" they're all probably down the back clearing the breakfast things!"

-------------------------------------------------------
Same sector not so long ago - Air 2000 to Tenerife off Gatwick calls, gets climb and sent to Ortac.
Kindly know-all chief points out it's actually going via Lands End about a minute later.
Big right turn to get back on track followed by hefty left to LND.

Attempted to apologise for either the short or the slight dogleg and managed to merge the 2 words into a far more accurate word
--- sh$te-- !!!!

Much mirth for a while.


40612 carrying hazardous cargo

Heard at EGGW yesterday:

Silver Arrows Challenger being followed to the holding point by EZY B737:

TWR: SWZ307Z from Tower, are you with me?
(No response)
TWR: SWZ307Z, Tower...
(No response)
EZY: Tower, Easy123 with you to Alpha1
TWR: Easy123 rgr
TWR: SWZ307Z, Tower are you with me?
(No response)
TWR: SWZ307Z Tower...
(No response)
EZY: I could get the F/O to jump out and bang on his window if you like.....

"Air Force One" (B707/C-137) was visiting UK back in the 1960s. Crusty old Colonel captain decides to visit a few RAF airfields to do some crew training. These were the days before secondary radar.

AF1: "Air Force One checking in and requesting a PAR"
RAF: "Roger Air Force One, can I have your present position, heading and height?"
AF1:"Look Buddy, you've got the goddam radar, you find us!"

After a couple of identification turns Air Force One is now on dog leg to finals.

RAF: "Air Force One you are now on dog leg to finals just confirm your aircraft is multi-channel VHF equipped?"
AF1 "Affirmative"
RAF:"Right then old boy, you find the Final Controller!"

On the subject of PAR's. ASCOT recovering to RAF xxx

CNTLR - 'What type of recovery?'
ASCOT - 'Request PAR for controller training'

On MAD ATIS yesterday refering to training in progress:

.....Caution, controllers on the job....

Inbound jet from the south west into Heathrow (South holds being Ockham and Biggin)


BAW*** - "Director, BAW*** on course OCKHAM, a 747 with Alpha, descending FL....etc"

ATC - "BAW***, hold BIGGIN, delay 10 - 15 minutes"

(Mirth in voice)
BAW*** "How about we make that Ockham"

(Sounding just a little flustered)
ATC "Sure, but it's 10 - 15 minutes there as well!"


2 jets leaving the LAM hold on the same heading, BE200 at FL 70, A340 at FL 80 about 4 miles behind but going much faster. As the Airbus caught up to the King Air and the returns on the radar merged, a meek little voice was heard.....

"It's gone awful dark......."

Binoculars,

Sorry, just reading through. The story about old YBBN tower. I think my old man was working with you that day. We were only talking about it not that long ago. I'll have to tell him about this!

(Sign posted above entrance to Ops room at old Brisbane AACC)
"Abandon all hope, all ye who enter...."

Several years ago at an airfield very near LAM.

An American voice comes over the radio: "Good morning ***** Information, this is *****.

FISO: "Good morning *****, pass your message."

Pilot: "***** is a B747 routing Boston to Frankfurt (I can't remember the exact destinations, but you get the idea) at FL350, request zone transit."

FISO: "Roger, nothing known at that altitude to conflict. Our advisory QNH is 1025. Keep a very good lookout as the circuit is active."

Pilot: "QNH 1025, keeping a very good lookout, *****."

True story, I was there.

RD

Dogs in Flight
 

Some years ago when Continental still flew down this way:

Continental ramp phoned up and asked us to call the crew of their DC10 while it was on the climb out of NZAA to PHNL and remind them to keep one particular cargo hold heated as it had a number of dogs travelling in it.

The laconic mid western drawl in response just offered the opinion that all the dogs were working in the economy class cabin.

Ouch :O

BEENO, KOMIK and DANDI are no more
 

This from the latest batch of NOTAMs:



OTH : FROM 03/03/20 00:01 TO 03/04/02 23:59 B0480/03
E) AIP AMDT AIRAC 3/2003 WEF 20 MAR PERM
NAME CODE DESIGNATORS FOR SIGNIFICANT POINTS. REPORTING
POINTS WITH PURPOSE AMENDED
<snip>
REPORTING POINTS WITHDRAWN
ABSIL, AMIBA, ANGEL, ANNIK, ATWEL, BASAV, BEENO, BLUFA, BUNIT,
DANDI, DIMES, DODSI, DOGGA, DOMIN, DUNLO, ELDIN, FILET, GABAD,
GIRDO, GOKAT, KESON, KIPPA, KOLEY, KOMIK, LORLA, MULIT, PELOM,
RAPIT, RAPON, RONVI, SAMON, SILVA, SITKO, SKATE, SOMIT, SOTOL,
SPRAT.
UK AIP ENR 4.3 REFERS

Sad...

Tim

116 Classics!
 

Hello all

I think RT errors of a humerous nature should be in the public domain so I've a couple of Course 116 classics for your perusal.

I believe it was a certain Welsh lady, now posted to LACC who's lines during Aerodrome 1 include:

"Tug 3, Seaton Tower, Tug approved..."

and my favourite would have to be:

"G-AC, cleared Touch and Grow runway 26!"

at which all within earshot fell about laughing.


And just yesterday, in an exchange between a lovely Speedbird lady pilot and Gatwick Approach:

APC "Speedbird ###, resume own navigation Holly then Willo to hold"

BAW "Roger, routing Hollow Willy to hold"

APC "You've just made my day!"

BAW "I'm so sorry everyone!" (In an embarrassed tone!)


If I remember/encounter any more I'll let you know!

Eric

PS. Sorry Sarah!;)

A PAN AM 747 suffers and engine failure on rotation at LHR


PILOT: Err ah Clipper 123 we are going to continue straight ahead runway heading and dump some gas.

CONTROLLER: Are you aware sir that you current heading takes you over Windsor Castle where her Majesty is currently in residence.

PILOT: (quick as a flash) Ask her majesty does she just want the gas or the aeroplane and the gas.

Washington Ground control to united 727 having just taken the second wrong turn:

"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)

United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)

...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)



(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"

:D

During a phone call to book out at an aiport somewhere in the East Midlands, the ATC assistant lady asked me: "Are you coming back later? If you are, I'll do a strip for you!"

I answered that it was certainly the best offer I was going to get all day, but regrettably, no!

We both guffawed and she hooted and squealed with embarrassed laughter for some time....made my day! :ok:

Tower: "Air Force 123, your engine appears to have....ahh disregard, I see you've already ejected".

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach".:p

overheard on memphis approach...


ATC: cleared the "pearly gates" hold on the 360 radial, standard hold, really busy at moment, can expect 36C"
Mesaba:roger.....
ATC: Mesaba I can squeeze you in, turn XXX
ATC: unknown,Cleared to hold at the "pearly gates"...
unknown: (in a thick middle eastern accent) I do not want to die today, I dont want to visit pearly gates
ATC: OK- try visiting ELVIS and hold
unknown: WHats the difference?





- Elvis is published but for some odd reason ATC for calling it Pearly gates- I was cracking up soo hard!




At Olive Branch airport- Unicom with alot of training (cessnas and the such) and also business traffic




Citation XX: OLV traffic, citation XX, 8 mile final 36
Me: OLV traffic, Cessna 72813 turning left base 36
Citation: 72813- I see you and issue you a go around
My instructor: Citation you are not ATC and not God so get in the pattern and chill
Citation: fine
Kingair: OLV traffic kingair following citation onto downwind and slowing due to his apparent lack of balls
Me: OLV traffic, citation lacks balls
Random people: Thats hilarious
Citation: (this time a women- i guess the FO) Dont be so harsh hes gunna cry
Kingair: I knew it was ballless

This morning:

Emrats xxx: "Dubai tower, your transmission is weak,"
Tower: "station calling say again"
Emrats xxx: Your transmission is weak, your modulation is low, there is a lot of some background noise, maybe you have a bad mike,"
Tower: "ah, the background noise is a hoover, we have the cleaning lady up here at work.":O

Heard at a busy Florida airfield...

TWR: "N12345, report your position"
A/c: "Ah, we're right over the US1" (main road on the east coast)
TWR: "Sir, the US1 runs from Key West to Maine. Could you be a little more specific please?"

And in Arizona...
RADAR: "N12345, VFR traffic on your 12 o'clcok, range two miles"
A/c: "No, the traffic is actually a flock of Canada Geese!"
RADAR: "Well, the geese are squawking 7000"

In Australia with 3 digit callsigns at Jandakot airport.

Meant to say Romeo Whiskey Yankee. But said...

"Jandakot tower Romeo Yiskee Wankee, uhh I mean Romeo Wankee Yiskee"

"Jandakot tower IBP downwind touch and go between the legs"
Apparently her instructor had been lecturing her about keeping the centreline betwwen her legs for guidance on final approach!!

Visited EGLF recently, South Apron is enclosed by a fence with two taxyway gates, North and West. A US Bizjet was getting annoyed at delays, eventually given clearance to taxy:

Twr - "November blah blah, taxy through the North Gate to Golf 1 for Rwy 24."

Bizjet (snottily) - "And WHICH one is the North Gate?"

Twr - "Well, if you're facing south, it'll be the one behind you."

Well it made us chuckle.

ATC: XYZ123, confirm you have the ILS captured?

XYZ123: Err negative, but we have it surrounded.

Last year at YPJT, a few aircraft doing circuits. I had a cessna joining the circuit and instructed him to follow the cessna late downwind. The reply, "roger, following the late cessna down."

On a Melbourne centre frequency,

Female controller: Virgin 123 Descend FL260

Virgin 123 : Descend FL260 Virgin 123

Anonymous pilot: Don't you love it when a chick tells you to go down:p

I heard a rather 'cheeky' reply from a female Nigel in a 757 a few weeks ago. They were being vectored for the ILS and the controller was a little worried that they were too high.

ATC: BAW18F how are you for height?

BAW18F: Ah plenty thanks (with a little laughter).

ATC: (Pause) Yes... that's the problem!

Minesapint: Was that supposed to be in a different thread?:confused:

Perhaps some kind ATCO can pay some of my large Southern mortgage in the event of a pay cut :}

Mister Geezer

I think it was quite a while ago in the days of the Tr****t, with its renowned (!?) descent capabilities, when asked about his height and speed, the captain responded (in a broad Yorkshire accent) ..." we've got an abundance of both..."

I stand to be corrected.

Rgds

On a Latcc north bank sector many moons ago.
One of the first Tucanos was trundling around on airways when pilot advised immediate div required due engine trouble.
Trainee not quite conversant with aircraft type requested " persons on board and which engine is giving trouble".

Arguably one of the greatest responses came back

" Me and It "



40612 carrying hazardous cargo but no WMD

Re the ATIS from wherever it was being "No Bananas"

That sets up for pilots being confused to neglect to include "recieved No Bananas" in their call, requiring ATC to ask
"Confirm you have No Bananas"
and the a/c to reply
"yes, we have no bananas..."

Lasior

Back in the early 1960s Gloster Gladiator G-AMRK was going from A to B when the engine quit (I think it was somewhere near Bedford). He put out a Mayday and asked to be pointed at the nearest airfield.

ATC: What type of aircraft are you?
Pilot: Gloster Gladiator.
ATC: This is really not the time to be funny.
Pilot: If you were stuck up here in the last flyable Gloster Gladiator in the world without an engine I doubt you would find it at all funny!

They got him down.

Spent the last 3 hours at work pissing myslef laughing, I'd have got the sack if I wasn't leaving in 2 weeks.... keep up the good work :D

Sooty's posting about getting tongue-tied reminds me of two that I managed many moons ago whilst in flying training and using a radio was a new experience to me.

The first was "Lima Uni Indiform" and the second was "Inky Mike Yanko"!

AirBlah123 (or whatever) taxying in........

Sexily-voiced lady ground controller -- "AirBlah123 have I given you a stand ?"

AirBlah123 (male pilot) -- "No, but keep talking !"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The attendant explained, "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

:p
StuckMic.com - Aviation and ATC discussion and chat

ATC Humour
 

Saw this one a while ago on the net about a cargo plane doing the same route night after night and after while went in with approach of destination airport (around dusk) with :

XXX tower, guess who's coming ?

Each time the Tower asked him to identify himself clearly on the frequency instead of joking, never succeded...

until that day during winter period :

XXX approach, guess who's coming ?

Tower controller (turning off the runway lights, still no daylight)

Flight XXX, guess where we are now...

From that day, the story says that this cargo pilot always identified at contacting the tower :=

We used to have no end of laughs listening to the exchanges between pilot and tower at Cambridge when I worked there....

A University Air Squadron Bulldog holding for the grass runway...

"Tower, Charlie 01, we have a large flock of plovers by the threshold"

"Charlie 01, say again?"

"We have a large flock of plovers by the threshold"

"A large flock of what?"

" *sigh* Birds"

...........................................................

A Beechcraft from a farm strip in Norfolk, returning home..

"G-xxxx, what is your destination?"

"Stradsett, sir"

"Say again your destination?"

"Stradsett, sir"

"Say again?"

"Norfolk!"

............................................................ ..

and finally...

one weekend an antique Aero 45 was visiting (old Czechoslovakian twin - wooden construction, I believe, and having difficulty landing in the crosswind)

"G-xxxx, you're clear to land, surface wind xyz, etc......"(leaves the tranmit button down as the poor old girl bounces hard, weathercocks and bounds off the concrete, hopping from one gear leg to the other across the grass)...

"Ohmygoddidyouseethat?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"


Of course it wasn't always the tower, there was plenty of nonsense coming back from the cockpit - one fella in a Comanche once forgot to put his gear down, the tower and every aircraft in the circuit were trying to warn him, and every time he transmitted you could hear the warning horn in the background. He still landed it wheels up.......

Found in the Malta FIR - honestly

" Cleared to FARKA via BONAR " .......

:ok:

hehe that's funny

Apparently, this was heard ooverhear LAX:
Bored pilot in the hold says:
"jesus, i'm f***ing bored"
ATC:"Last transmission, state your full callsign"
Pilot "I said i'm f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid"

When i learnt to fly in california, my instructor and i were working at Brown field, just on the mexican border. (The story about the dumb student doing touch and go's at Gen Rodriguez which is parralel to brown and about half a mile away over the border will just have to wait)
Anyway, the girl in the tower who has a really sweet voice says something like "Cherokee 44293 clear touch and go etc..." and my instructor says (without realizing that i have hit the PTT button) "Cor, she sounds really sexy, i bet she takes it up the a*se!"
girl in tower: "cherokee 44293 check stuck mic, and by the way, yes i am and yes i do!"

We didn't hang around for an introduction.

Another one from FAJS on approach:

JS41 maintaining FL130 with a BE20 just about to pass over the top from the left @ FL140.

Pilot, "How much longer must we maintain FL130, the turbulence is making it very uncomfortable!."

ATC, "It going to be more uncomfortable if you bash that Kingair to your left."

Pilot, after a pause as he gets it in sight , "You're right, that would be more uncomfortable."

Judging from the range of places these replies are from, it seems that ATCs and pilots are pretty much the same, no matter what continent you're on!:p

An exchange overheard between departure control at a Canadian airport and a B727 pilot.

Pilot: Where's Annule?
Dep. Control: What is it ... an intersection or something?
Pilot: I don't know.
Dep. Control: Where did you see it?
Pilot: On the screens in the terminal. Lots of airlines go there but the flight's always cancelled.
Dep. Control: (Laughter) Welcome to Canada, Monsieur. "Annule" is French for "cancelled."
Pilot: Ah. Oui, oui.