Today;

A non-native English speaking pilot:
A/C: "Centre" this is ABC123 climbing FL330
ATC: ABC123 you are identified continue the climb FL370
A/C: Roger continue climb FL370, any directions?
ATC: Forward.
Sorry I couldn't resist. :} :O

Later I did give a nice direct.

or, "Onward and upward"?

Wind reading
 

Just had it today on the freq. We needed to know the wind at level 350. We had no-one ther but a guy at FL340...not a native english speaker:

RDR: report wind
AC:tells us their heading
RDR: report wind
AC: responds with FL
RDR: ok, what about the wind?
AC: oh...wind 93 knots
RDR: which direction?
AC: Is coming from the front...

makes me wonder if they lowered the window and stuck the hand out to check...

A MODEL reply
 

heard this in Scottish airspace 2 years ago-The aircraft was a Learjet operated by the Finnish biz jet operator "Airfix" aviation.

A/C : "Airfix 106, flight level 220 towards GOW"

scottish : "Airfix 106 decend flight level 100, speed 250 knots"

A/C :Crew readback


Scottish : "ere Airfix 106 what scale are you?"

A/C :say again! airfix 106

Scottish : disregard!

What happens at ATC christmas parties in Norway (apparently)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx4KbTGHxH4
You put your ba**s on the block with this one ENBD ACC!!! :D :D :D

Also from ENBO Somebody doesn't have enough traffic.

Heard a funny one today.

A/C: ### Radio check it's gone awfully quiet
ATC: ### ask for more traffic on 1**.***
A/C: 1**.*** ### I should have kept my mouth shut!

BAe 146

Heard this one a couple of weeks ago in Scotland,

ATC: ****123 Climb and maintain FL 330 for the cruise,

A/C: Radar, ****123 were actually requesting FL 350 for the cruise,

ATC: Yes i have your request here in front of me.....

A/C: And?

ATC: Well i have ripped it up and ignored it!:E

A few years back in Brussels. The ground controller was trying to make a nice sequence at the holding point. The conversation went as follows:

ATC: Midland 123, visual with the 2 Virgin Express 737's from the left?

Midland 123: Affirm

ATC: Roger, you take position in between the Virgins.

Midland 123: Ahhh... I've always dreamt of this...

TWR: "Gothic 604, after the British Airways Airbus at Sierra Bravo One departing, line up two seven left."
Linn: "After BA Airbus, line up two seven left, Gothic 604."
TWR: "KLM123, after the... uh... after the white one, line up two seven left..."
KLM (laughter): "After the white one, line up two seven left, KLM123!"
TWR: "Sorry about that, I don't know the type."
KLM: "Yeah, us neither."
Captain Henric: "Thanks, guys..." General laughter on freq.
A minute later
TWR: "It's a Beech 350."
KLM: "I thought I recognized it!"

A couple of weeks ago.

As DAT and VEX merged into Brussels Airlines we were woundering wat de new callsign would be. Their new livery has a big B in dots on the tail. And DAT is now known as S-tail (big S on their tail).

Anyway I asked an S-tail pilot if I had to call him B-tail from now on forward. He liked it a continued calling himself B-tail123. His colleague still went on with S-tail as he didn't have the new livery yet. A third S-tail pilot followed all before and called in with SMARTIES456.
Must say chearful pilots.

A/C - (After landing, taxiing to stand) "Tower there appears to be a lump of concrete stuck up from the taxiway"

ATC - "Roger, Airside Ops will inspect, hold postition"

Few minutes pass as inspection takes place

OPS - "Tower the obstruction is now cleared, it was a dead Rabbit"

ATC - "Roger, now cleared taxi to stand"

A/C - "Roger, should that be reported as a Hare miss?"

Cracked me up, took me ages to regain my composure and request return to base!


There again, i did spot a dead bird on the taxiway once, Bird Control went to investigate and reported over the R/T "the dead bird, is a clump of grass, Great caution should be taken, the airfield appears to be covered in the stuff"

Not amused!

In spirit of the holiday season;
A/C asking for traffic information.
ATC (without delay ;) ); It is probably Rudolph, sir.
:}

Similar callsigns
 

Nice one, WX Man - reminds me of a similar conversation I had a few years ago with Thames Radar while I was receiving a Flight Information Service as I was routing around their zone. Flying G-FA, I had been told to report at the QE2 bridge and I was just monitoring when I heard:
G-ZZFA: Thames Radar, G-ZZFA, [blah blah]
Thames: G-ZZFA, Flight Information Service you have, use full callsign, similar callsign on frequency
G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA
Thames: Negative, G-ZZFA, use FULL callsign
G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA
There was a pause at this point, presumably while the controller found something hard to bash his head against. As I had just reached the QE2 bridge, I called in as requested:
Me: G-BBFA, at the QE2 bridge
Thames: Thank God one of you is awake. Break break. G-ZZFA immediate 180 turn - you have entered the control zone without a clearance. Acknowledge
G-ZZFA: Was that for me or the other FA, G-FA?
Some days the controllers in Thames really do earn brownie points for their patience. :ugh:
MD.

I have to admit that I have not rtead all 42 pages of this thread so this may already have been posted.
I am reliably informed that this occurred at LGW many years ago.
ATC; Monarch 123, give way to the Virgin with a tight slot on Taxiway C.

At EGKK last night:

A/C: "Shuttle xxx Radio Check"

GRD: "Readability 5"

A/C: "We thought we might have a radio problem - we can't pick up the ATIS"

GRD: "The ATIS is unserviceable"

A/C: "Oh. How were we supposed to know that?"

GRD: "Well, we would have put it on the ATIS....."

At Luton just now,

Easyjet landed in wind 32G43 and told to taxi

EJ: "Taxi Bravo 2, and, er, adrenaline is brown - apparently"

Too heavy
 

"Delivery, ABC 522 HEAVY, request start-up."
"Well ABC 52, if you are 2 heavy why don't you unload some stuff?"

lol

just happened with a colleague who got a new headset:

ATC: UAE88 climb FL330
...
ATC: ok and now you should say ...
ATC: f** why can't these f** f** ever listen %&@##* ???
...
ATC: crap, could be the headset
ATC: oh noooo...
...
UAE88: UAE88, roger climbing to FL330. Seems like your microphone got stuck, Sir.

Out of curiosity, does the UAE callsign have any relation to the country UAE?