Heard on the RT the other day
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How about this then;
09R for departure, a BA 767 crossing a the far end. A 777 has been given a line up and wait, and is just crossing the Cat I bar. I turn around to co-ordinate with ground, and then look at my strips to check on slots, SIDs etc, to decide on my order. I look up to see the 777 on the roll passing 40-50 kts. Quickly check the BA 767 has vacated, which he has. I go in to clear the 777 for take off, and just as he is rotating he replies: "Roger, we are rolling".
Doh! <img src="eek.gif" border="0">
Gonzo.
09R for departure, a BA 767 crossing a the far end. A 777 has been given a line up and wait, and is just crossing the Cat I bar. I turn around to co-ordinate with ground, and then look at my strips to check on slots, SIDs etc, to decide on my order. I look up to see the 777 on the roll passing 40-50 kts. Quickly check the BA 767 has vacated, which he has. I go in to clear the 777 for take off, and just as he is rotating he replies: "Roger, we are rolling".
Doh! <img src="eek.gif" border="0">
Gonzo.
Keeping Danny in Sandwiches
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Back in the early 70s Rhein had a 2 number transponder code with no height readout. (eg 5400)
Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350"
Rhein "Confirm level?"
Phantom 4 confidently "FL350"
Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions"
Phanton 4 " ..Er Standby"
Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)"
Phantom 4 " .Er Standby"
Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS "
Phantom 4 " Er . Oh Sh*t self destruct"
Deathly silence.
Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350"
Rhein "Confirm level?"
Phantom 4 confidently "FL350"
Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions"
Phanton 4 " ..Er Standby"
Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)"
Phantom 4 " .Er Standby"
Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS "
Phantom 4 " Er . Oh Sh*t self destruct"
Deathly silence.
niknak
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> Heard it only this morning, working a BE58 going from there to here, (names not published to protect the innocent), every time the pilot transmitted there was a background howl.. ."Gxxxx, you appear to have some feedback on your transmissions". ."Approach Gxx, that's not feedback, it's the dog telling me he wants to go out.., things are getting a bit ripe in here.."
Manchesters Most Wanted PPRuNer
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One from a few days ago :. .. ."Aircraft squawking radio fail on 128.*** do you have any further problems and would you like to divert to Newcastle or Teeside?". .. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 04 March 2002, 21:25: Message edited by: niteflite01 ]</small>
StandupfortheUlstermen
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Heard at BHD recently:-. .. .Ba46 asks for push and start.. .Tower "***975 do you have a tug?". .Pilot "In what sense, a noun or a verb!?". .. .Cue much laughter in the VCR and app room, not to mention cackles from the other smartie tube drivers.. .. .Sleeping's permitted, dribbling isn't!
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Another 3rd+ hand oldie from Cranfield, I believe:-. .. .G-xx downwind.. .. .G-xx report final No. 2 follow the xxx ahead. . .. .G-yy (female instr.) to G-xx you can come inside me if you like.. .. .Obviously followd by much hilarity and no shortage of volunteers!. . . . <small>[ 07 March 2002, 21:13: Message edited by: Guy D'ageradar ]</small>
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Thanks for the chuckles chaps - surprised I've not seen this one - probably an urban myth badly recollected.. .. .EDDK ATC "Speedbird xxx Vacate Right and hold block xx, GND on 121.80". .BAWxx "Right and hold block xx". .Ground "Taxi via (whatever)for stand xx". .BAWxx ""Taxi via (whatever)for stand xx". .Short Pause - Speedbird has not moved. .Ground "Speedbird xxx, is there a problem sir.". .BAWxx "No problem sir, just checking our ground charts". .Ground (rather indignantly) "Have you never been here before!". .BAWxx "Once sir, 1940's, didn't stop though". .. .Dan
VATSIM-UK1:- I think Pontius got in with that one !. .. .Legendary story from Downunder:. .. .Sydney Approach to Speedbird ***. .. ."Speedbird *** contact the tower on 123.45"". .. .Next call from the Speedbird:. .. ."Sydney Tower this is Speedbird *** nine miles finals and visual with the island.". .. .Quick as a flash:. .. ."Roger Speedbird ***, once round the island and you're cleared to land!"
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From last summer at EGPF. .. ."Ground Midland*** runway vacated". .. .GMC: " Midland*** taxy stand 25 caution there is a hole in the taxiway abeam stand 23". .. ."Midland*** taxi stand 25, roger the hole". .. .Female BRT pilot :"Anytime you like big boy"
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Heard yeterday afternoon:. .. ."GDA123, report passing 6000ft". .. ."Passing 6000ft in about 5 seconds, GDA123". .. ."Roger, report passing 6000ft". .. .Considering there was a perfectly good mode C readout, how pedantic is that?
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Heard this afternoon at NAP:. .. ."Lufthansa XXX, Napoli Tower I have some bad news and some good news.". .. ."Napoli Tower, Lufthansa XXX go ahead.". .. ."Lufthansa XXX there has been a strike by the ground handlers at the airport, but it is over now. The bad news is there is no parking available and you have to land somewhere else."
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Two for the collection:. .. .Approach to Tower..."has the non-radio A/c called you yet" !!. .. .Tower..."Harvard formation, what is your aircraft type?". .. .enjoy . . JSP
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Heard this one a few weeks ago when the winds where up to o lets say 30 kts with gusts going over fourty. full cross!!! . .. .during short periods the winds would ease up a bit. the place..? London City. .. .a 328 sits at the departure end awaiting release and a regional 146 is on final app to RWY28.Its getting a bit close so the controler calls for a goaround for the 146. twice...three times..a fourth time...no awnser.... .. .the 146 go's around(250' above the 328) and the tower calls the 146 again trying to establish communications.... .. .calmly the 146 reply's....."tower go ahead". .tower explains he was calling for a 'go-around' several times and asking why he did not reply?. .. .awnser:.."don't understand 'go-around'???.."
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A similar situation: Twin Cessna gets landing-gear trouble after landing and is unable to steer off the runway, little C152 on short final behind is told to "go around" but does not answer. Controller gets nearly mad and is almost shouting "go around there is a twin Cessna on the runway. No Reply. Pilot lands on the numbers, taxies around the stranded twin and off the runway.. .He went around it!!!. .Controller stuck by heart attack, probably.
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Never ceases to amaze!. .. .Emrats xxx inbound DXB on STAR."uh...dubai arrivals..what's our distance from touchdown?". .Dubai arrivals "What's the FMS say?". .Emrats xxx "45 miles". .Dubai arrivals "sounds about right to me!!"
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Watching the inbounds being sequenced by a neighbouring country (always interesting) prior to acceptence, when the first aircraft in the string SGC**** does a dirty right turn at FL350 near TOD. Ring the controller to see what the problem is:. . "He don't pay attention to me, so I punish him. Give him orbit." (orbit at FL350 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> ). .Finally receive SGC**** (now at the tail of sequence and 14 minute delayed). "Hope you enjoyed your experience of ****** Control" "He very nasty to me- don't know why".. .. .If it wasn't so funny it would be serious.
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Here are a few from an e-mail that has been doing the rounds. Apologies if you have seen them before.. .. .The controller who was working a busy pattern told the B727 on. .downwind to make a three-sixty.. .. .The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two. .thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?. .. .Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four. .thousand dollars worth!". .. .A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his. .approach speed just a little too high.. .. .San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.. .If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a. .right at the light to return to the airport.. .. .Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on. .124.7.". .. .Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the. .way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far. .end of the runway.". .. .Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure. .on124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?". .. .Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and. .yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our. .caterers." . .. .I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in. .Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the. .junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't. .recall the call signs any longer). .. .Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?". .. .Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English.". .. .Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in. .Germany. Why must I speak English?". .. .Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you. .lost the bloody war!"