Heard on the RT the other day

[ayrprox]

A/c: Apc EZY123 with descending 6000

atc: EZY123 roger, number 3 40 track miles to run reduce speed 210 kts

A/c: eerrr... can we keep our speed up approach

atc: Affirm keep the speed up you're number 5 50 track miles....

[PakoSpain]

Another one of the late 70`s.
A clever mind named the entry points at Majorca TMA with spanish fish names, two of them were "lisa" and "rape". Some pilots ask questions like "are we cleared to rape?".
Some Controllers used to clear planes to Palma via rape and lisa (raping lisa).

[Scott Voigt]

Going to Shreveport LA. You get to go direct KRACK going to the OM. Of course if you are going to Dallas Love field, we can ask folks if they have given Hawker XXXX the finger yet <G> (finger3 arrival)...

regards

[Mr Simple]

To USAF F-111
"Jazz54 confirm you're not on this frequency?"

To/from RAF Harrier trying to work out VFR conditions
"Bandit 3 what's your impression of the circuit?"
Bandit3 "Sorry I don't do impressions"

F111 in trouble squawking 7700
"Reno26 do you have a problem?"
"No problem sir, we're ejecting"

[ferris]

Controller is working his ring off.
US mil tanker chips in : "Ahh centre, Whist***** there's too much traffic up here at 350, we'd like to descend."
Unidentified:"Well stop refuelling them, that will reduce the traffic!"

[Over+Out]

When BA first started Shuttle flights with Tridents (HS21!) and B737.
Lon. Control: SHT7C, confirm aircraft type?
SHT Pilot: Stand-by.
Anonymous Pilot: SHT7C its easy, count the throttles, if you have 3 your a Trident, if its 2 your a B737.

[Echo Oscar]

me: Tower, G-EO downwind to land, 26

Twr: EO we're on 08 at the moment

me: Aaaah roger aaaah - then that'll be a right hand orbit followed by right base 08, G-EO

Twr: Thank you EO

doh!

[Phillipa Hole]

An A/A 767 arriving into BHX told by a female controller: 'American 123 descend to FL 200 to be level abeam WHI.'
American: 'Mam is that when ready?'
Snapped reply: 'Negative, if I had meant when ready I would have said when ready!'
Short pause:' Shoot, wasn't I married to you once!'

LHR to 146:' Expedite vacating BA 123 at 2 miles.'
146: 'RODGER'
BA 123 'Does the 146 Captain know the meaning of expedite?'
146: ' Does the BA Captain know the meaning of Foxtrot Oscar!'


[ 01 December 2001: Message edited by: Phillipa Hole ]

[whowhenwhy]

Heard from an uninspired tower controller somewhere south of Ascension, to an F3 wishing to depart north IFR (and to all those who have not had the joy of being here, north is toward some pretty high highground).
"Eagle 1, tower, right turn out on departure approved, caution, terrain responsibility is your separation!"
"Uhhhh, roger tower!"
Damn, change 6 strikes again!!!!!!!


Things are always worse than they seem!

[West Coast]

Heard north of LAX a few months ago

ATC: "United xx if you can hear this transmission traffic no longer a factor"

[Perth Control]

Very Early one morning :

"Centre QFA 123 request"

"QFA 123 Centre, hum a few bars and I'll see if I know the tune"

[RKHickson]

Clacton west sector frequency blocked (bad enough) by carrier wave ... suspected culprit military C130 crosser.
After 3 or 4 mins frequency clears:

Controller:"Ascot1224, London, you have been blocking this frequency. Do not transmit, and listen out on 132.49. I say again, do not transmit, and listen out 132.49"

Ascot1224:"Roger London, do not transmit, and listen out 132.49. Goodday...."..3 minutes of carrier wave.

[Avoiding Action]

An Imposter - don't believe a word he says, it's not me, 'cos he doesn't have the signature.....

Wanders off grumbling about the injustice of life!



[ 06 December 2001: Message edited by: Avoiding Action ]

[mchao]

This was heard in the TWR simulator in the ATC school in Spain:

Sorry tower, for this runway we request different wind...

As far as I know ATC can't go that far

[divingduck]

Hey Mark!! Oops (letting cat out of bag)That wasn't the flying Rat...that was Birdseed inbound Perth just past GEL...remember it well...

Heard today...
me **** we have a problem, company traffic overtaking you, you can either climb or descend your choice.

pilot: Can I increase speed to stay ahead?(C130 being chased by a KC35 and 2xF16's)

me: Sure, if you can increse to about say...420kts g/s!

pilot: I've just got the engineer out bolting some more engines on the wing! I'll call you back shortly.

Gotta love a Herc pilot with a sense of humour.

[mcdhu]

Coming in to a secret military base to the N of LHR, the pilot of a 'VC5' minijet was asked by the controller, 'what type of approach do you require?' As quick as a flash, back came the Irishman, 'request PAR for controller training!'
Cheers
mcdhu

[BDiONU]

After talking down a U2, requested his departure details and was told "Requesting a right turn heading 370, climbing FL100!"

GA calling for LARS "I'm overhead Wales heading 320" Hhhhmmm.......

[really not]

Heard over the gulf a few years ago

atc this is c/s - request fl 600

reply - Buddy if you can make fl600 it's all yours!

Roger - descending fl 600

(Guess the aircraft type)

[NextLeftAndCallGround]

Remember reading this one years ago - no idea if it's true.

BAW 747 has just rolling out after landing at LL from an ILS approach.

TWR (trying to be helpful - of course): Just for information, you appeared to be slightly left of the centreline all the way down the approach.

BAW (after a short pause): Yes that's right, and my First Officer was slightly to the right of it.

[PakoSpain]

Just after an incident, pilot requested controllerīs initials.
Controller: copy,please, Echo-Lima-Golf-Uniform.....
And sent the complaint against EL GUERRERO
DEL ANTIFAZ (The warrior behind the mask)