Heard on the RT the other day
 

AC "Approach, Ascot 1234 on handover from Brize maintaining 2400'"

APP "Ascot 1234, Approach identified 2400' RIS, traffic one o'clock 2 miles manoeuvring".

AC "Roger, Brize called that one earlier, it turned out to be a firework. (laughter in the background)"

APP "1234 Roger, well this particular firework's sqawking 7000"

Any more anecdotal stories to lighten-up the forum?

[ 21 November 2001: Message edited by: Whipping Boy's SATCO ]

Similar tale to the one above. Relayed to me by a colleague.

Radar: C/S traffic right two O'clock no height, manouvering.
A/C: Roger, that will be the windmill - we know about that. It's always called to us.
Radar: Not when it is squawking 7000!

ATC "Shamrock123 you are number two in traffic"
S123 "Roger Surr, is dat number one in front?"
or the comments of the [I think] AAL captain when his no4 engine fell off
"Well it kinda puts you off sex for a while"
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

This one just 2 days ago:
Lady student, very well spoken, with instructor - "Gxx on final"
Me: "Gxx clear to land runway xx Surface wind etc...."
Lady student: "Roger, Gxx cleared to land runway xx, Christ and s**t! I've really made a f...king bollox of this one, it was all going so sodding well, oh well guess you better take control, what a stupid cow I am, you have cont..." (Realises she's still transmitting).
Aircraft lands and vacates, returns to the hanger without another word. Just as well 'cos I was on the floor. :D

Two FJ's had just settled into the cruise at FL310 and 2 calls his leader.

"Red 1 Red 2, am I trailing" ?.

short pause while leader has a look.

"Red 2 Red 1 negative"
"Red 1 Red 2 roger, then you're on fire"

"Barcelona, Barcelona, By-xxx, traficc aproaching at 10 0`clock. What kind of separation are you providing?"
Controller`s answer; "very short indeed, sir,
according to my salary, very short too"
It happened in 1.977.......

Not so long ago, in a North Sea Offshore Sector far far away at dusk,

Heli: "Radar **** just lifted from the **** 2000' for Aberdeen"

Radar: "**** roger no radar contact, Flight Information Service, No known traffic to affect you at alt 2000'"

Heli: "Roger, (in sarcastic voice) we are visual with the other (c/s) traffic passing down our right hand side descending!"

Radar: "**** that callsign descended in field 20 miles south of your departure point, I have no known traffic in your area, can you identify the traffic you have in sight?"

Heli: "Oh, my mistake, it must be a ship!"

:rolleyes: We try our best, but sometimes I wonder........ :rolleyes:

Here are a couple:

radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234
spit: Sorry sir, -ve transponder.

radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where spit says he is, at spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed.

Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lenghthy pause).
Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again?


Same place, different day.
radar: G-xx report position
C150: G-xx is about 5 miles north of the A14.

(For those of you scratching your heads, the A14 runs E-W from Birmingham to Felixtowe)
:D

Many moons ago
Birmingham Approach, tis is Gxxxx. I've just overflown your airfield and I'm lost. Can you tell me where I am please?
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Allegedly on D&D's frequency some time back...

A/C: "London, this is G-xx, solo cross-country, I'm lost and require assistance."

D&D: "Roger G-xx. What was the last point at which you were sure of your position?"

A/C: "Holding point A1, just before departure..."

From a previous existance....

On trying to contact a female colleague to coordinate something she breathlessly said:I can't talk right now, I've got two non radio helicopters on my frequency

Amused, I hung up... :D

Rgds BEX

Callsign: ***49WY

A/c - "Ground, Four Nine Wankee Yiskey vacated, God thats a mouthful!"

GMC - "Four Nine Wiskey Yankee, thats what your wife said last night, route via......"

Much laughter and incomprehensible readback from 49WY. :p

From a distinctly foreign sounding student obviously struggling with English and the vaguaries of assymetric NDB training:

"XXX123T What are your intentions from this approach?"

"Er 123T, I want to break cloud and see the runway right in front of me"

At a regional airport a few years ago:

"Approach, XYZ request further climb"

"XYZ, Negative, maintain your level"

This a few more times, then:

"Approach, XYZ, if we don't get climb soon we won't be able to make our cruise level."

"XYZ, Approach, if you climb now into the opposite direction traffic you won't even make the coast!"

"Roger"

[ 22 November 2001: Message edited by: eyeinthesky ]

[ 22 November 2001: Message edited by: eyeinthesky ]

Heard recently at a LARS unit...
'G-??, report you point of departure?'
Puzzled reply '...to get to XYZ?'

'G-$$, report your destination?'
Chirpy reply '..nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while..'
:D :D :D :D

Old boy accent: Heathrow Tower, Good Evening this is Speedbird Concorde Two fully established Runway 09 Left.

Tower: Speedbird Concorde Two, Good Evening, continue approach 09 Left.

Midland pilot: Hi Tower, it's Midland Airbus 6AX following the Conc.

Take your pick:
"Hammer 21 request your POB?"
"Uhhhhhhh....say again sir?"
"Hammer 21 how many people on board your aircraft?"
"Standby sir!"
Pause measured in 2 miles on PAR
"Sir this is a single seat aircraft sir!"
Hoots of laughter, you can almost imagine Spam looking over his shoulder shouting, "Harry? You back there Harry? Oh s**t I'm alone again. Damn forgot!"

OR,

"Maybe we should have a round runway, then we wouldn't have to change runways so often!" Female AATC to gathered Sqn.
:D :D :D :D :D :D

Things are always worse than they seem!

WWW you've stolen my story!!!! Either that or the F-**'s are really stupid :eek: :eek:

Anyway spill the beans, who's the girly AATC? :confused:

Suppose I ought to add one of my own. Puddle Jumper carrying out a visual recovery, Terribly Stressed Approach Controller

"What kind of visual recovery do you require"

Absolutely sure that the Controller wanted info on L/R base or St In Approach, however everyone else in App room fell about, Gits.

A female ATCO

"Hawk 364 have you left my frequency"

Hawk 364 "Affirm!!!!"

:D

J, F**s have, on more than one occasion, been known to be slightly less mentally stimulated in the cockpit than you would expect. And you don't know the girly AATC she was down here!

Things are always worse than they seem!