Annual Assessments - Character Assassination Gems

[Mowgli]

Not an ACR, but a student tactical training sortie at Chiv:

"Overall, if the world was a mars bar, Bloggs would have been on the right planet"

and another:

"This sortie often shows the limits of a student's capacity. If that was the only aim, it would have been a pass"

[exrotarybooty]

Forque de Tung

I've had a copy of Rick Jolly's 'In Confidence' for some years now and it still has me falling about laughing every time I read it. (He also wrote 'The Red and Green Life Machine', the story of the Ajax Bay field hospital he ran during the Falklands war.)
More examples:

Corporal N is a model Royal Marine. Unfortunately he is not a working model.

One suspects there are a couple of cogs missing from the Adjutant's intellectual gearbox.

If a mosquito bit my Marine Engineer Officer it would probably die of alcohol poisoning.

If ignorance really is bliss, then Officer Cadet F is the world's happiest person.

It's a brilliant book from cover to cover.

[BALOO]

Many years ago, a Sqn chappie (who 'thought' he was good at everything - well liked etc) walked out from his 1369 ‘debrief’:

Sqn mate: “How was your debrief?”

Sqn Chappie: “Well, yes er…….yes, …..er….. OK …. er… yes! Quite good actually ….er….umm ………..What does ingratiating mean???

You can imagine the response from all those present !!!!

[smooth approach]

"Blogs has a full six-pack, he just lackes the plastic thingy that holds it all together."

[X-QUORK]

"Cpl B*****'s fitness level has fallen far below any reasonable standards, indeed, if he were a dog I would have him put down."

Any AAC frogsters from the late 80's should know whom this refers to.

[Sloppy Link]

From an AAC Form 3 following a six monthly check,
"I was impressed by this man's averageness"

Results of an AAC Pilot Selection Board had the final paragraph,
"Aged 27, and with his attitude, his potential for improvement is not good. The Board is well aware of the need for pilots, but is not prepared to lower standards to make up numbers. The decision is therefore final."
Joining instructions arrived about three months later.

[CaptainCrunch]

Not sure if ex-scaleyback civvies are welcome here but here goes:

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of a sense of morbid curiosity"

"This man would be out of his depth in a puddle"

"This man is now an officer emeritus. "E" because he's out and "meritus" because he f- deserved it!"

Yours aye,

Cap'n Crunch

[CaptainCrunch]

Oh, and while I'm smurfing around in here:

"This man sets himself low targets and has consistently failed to meet them"

and

"This man has reached the bottom and started to dig"

[Bus14]

2TWU 'stude' report at Lossie

'Flying Officer X is an inept, wet, sponge'

Flying Officer X subsequently achieved the best ever student bombing scores, got posted to the Harrier, flew the Lightning and Jaguar, and is now a TRE, and TRI(E)on the A320.

Sometimes these ascerbic comments are just the wake up call that is required to kick start a chap!

(for once it was accurate as well, my flying was cr@p that night)


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Have fun, don't crash
Bus14

[navigator]

My last Air Sec's career interview some 26 years ago whilst still a starry eyed General List Flt.Lt.Lots of good scores on the left hand side of 1369, but a bit lacking on the other side apparently. Final assessment by interviewing Wg.Cdr.-There was a place for you in the RAF, but it was in 1943 on a Lancaster squadron, and most certainly resident in the sergeants mess. I was'nt sure whether I was being complimented or criticised, however I assumed the latter and joined the ranks of many unemployed pilots at the time. My obvious lack of OQ's was not a disadvantage in the civil world and I am still enjoying a rewarding flying career, so perhaps he did me a favour?

[The Full Monty]

From the RAAF -

"This officer should remember to keep his cap on in the presence of senior officers. It is in fact a pity that his father didn't keep HIS cap on 24 years ago..."

Or from the school master to the officers selection board -

"I'm afraid I can't recommend Bloggs to HM's armed services - in fact I'd feel safer if he were on the other side".

[droptank]

'Flt Lt ...... would make an outstanding prisoner of war because he escapes every night disguised as an officer'.

[Jed A1]

With his cavalier attitude and consistent lack of discipline I find it hard to recommend Bloggs for further pilot training. Sooner or later he will become a hillside statistic.

Bloggs now has a successful airline career.

[Jed A1]

This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts the better.

Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

I would not breed from this Officer

[Ex-truck]

An old friend, going through flying training, told me about two successive entries in his 5000. The first read "Smith tends to breathe heavily during the final approach." The following day's entry read "Have joined Smith in breathing heavily during the final approach." Sadly, my friend failed the course and has since got his own back on pilots by being a navigator.

[yodason45]

Couple of things.

37'ish, ground tour, now 51(years,oops). Interviewed by Wg Cdr fm Innsworth re future. You're going nowhere and doing nothing. Food for thought.Thought I'd try teaching in three dimensions and got away with it. Still here or there in Notteetingham but soon to be back in Eetingham.

Then there was the one, at 37'ish, Captain Nimrod, interviewed by Wg Cdr fm Innsworth. Well Flt Lt ****** looks like your next job will have to be an instructional tour so we'll have to send you to CFS, quick tour on the Bulldog, and back here on the OCU. Without hesitation the interviewee agreed and the interview continued for a short while more.

At the conclusion of said interview, and just as said Flt Lt was going through the door he turned and said, "Perhaps I should point out, Sir, I am actually a Navigator!!!

PS BEagle: Give us a clue!

[wow400]

There is always the classic:
'Bloggs is aggressively sub-average in everything he does '
True...

wow

[Lou Scannon]

...and two from my days in the Service.

" This officer is not the sort of man to set the world on fire, but should he find it so he would be one of the first to put it out."

and, when on Varsity's:

Pilot Officer xxxxxx operates the throttles of the Varsity with the enthusiasm of a beserk Lascar seaman operating the bilge pumps of a sinking tea clipper, rounding Cape Horn, in a force nine gale."

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Lou Scannon

[Jed A1]

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

[Lou Scannon]

One wet afternoon a bunch of us transport co-pilots managed to get the office safe open and sat around reading what people thought of us. One guy had invested months in growing, what he thought , was the right type covering for his upper lip not to mention buying the correct style of loud sports jacket. His reward?
"An over-confident clown with a theatrical moustache!"
I got away lightly with these comments from ITS.
"It is a continual source of amazement to XXXXXX and myself that he was ever accepted for pilot training in the RAF."

and, in reponse to my attempts to walk like an officer.
"An otherwise smart appearance is marred by a flat footed gait."

The moral of the story is clearly that one should only break into the safe in the company of one's fellows so that one doesn't feel isolated!