Helicopters and Health and Safety
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Helicopters and Health and Safety
Dear Mr Health and Safety official. I have just invented a new type of flying machine. Its called a Helicopter. Generally very safe. Just a couple of areas i would like your opinion on before i sell to the general public. There is a dodgy area thats best avoided, its called Dead Mans Curve, i know it sounds a bit frightening, but dont worry, engines dont pack up that often and you only encounter this critical area every time you take of or land, or hover, and i cant see people wanting to hover can you. Those blades, no not blades, i meant airfoil sections, blades sounds dangerous. Well, yes you could walk into them, but i think people would have more sense dont you. Very pleased you have approved it Sir, or should i say your most Magnificentness cleverer than me Almighty Powerful person . Now, about that rubber mat in the doorway that has the frayed edge.
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So, I'd like to fly the aforementioned invention to and from a remote platform primarily used to extract highly flammable liquids and gasses situated about 100 miles offshore, thrice daily non-stop at maximum speed, at it's maximum designed weight, and with the about the minimum amount of fuel that it needs. Of course,we'll check the helicopter is correctly lubricated and perhaps have a quick look after it's finished to make sure it's still in perfect condition.
I think once I've cracked that, then I'll have a go at landing on moving boats, flying in fog, and then doing it all again into the hours of darkness, as there should be no difference there at all.
To allow maximum flexibility, I will also fly into the maximum allowable windspeed, and at times the minimum temperature before icing becomes a major issue to ensure the invention can pay for itself and remain a viable invention.
All this will be ensured by the invention commander who will at all times keep a watch on the environment in which it is flown, so no foreseeable problems can occur and steer the invention away from danger.
I think once I've cracked that, then I'll have a go at landing on moving boats, flying in fog, and then doing it all again into the hours of darkness, as there should be no difference there at all.
To allow maximum flexibility, I will also fly into the maximum allowable windspeed, and at times the minimum temperature before icing becomes a major issue to ensure the invention can pay for itself and remain a viable invention.
All this will be ensured by the invention commander who will at all times keep a watch on the environment in which it is flown, so no foreseeable problems can occur and steer the invention away from danger.
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Helicopters and Health and Safety
As it is quite obvious that Big Brother considers he can no longer afford the ordinary man to think for himself. Do any pruners have comments on how Health and Safety is buggering the UK with regards to Helicopters.
The only time big brother gets into power, is when the electorate fails in its duty to direct and control government.
You get exactly what you vote for; be it local, national and european representation. How do you thing all these tiers of government can substantiate their existence? By controlling the minutiae of every facet of your life.
Hopefully lots more people will bear this in mind at the next election - which looks like it will happen very soon.
Then we need to get out of the EU!
You get exactly what you vote for; be it local, national and european representation. How do you thing all these tiers of government can substantiate their existence? By controlling the minutiae of every facet of your life.
Hopefully lots more people will bear this in mind at the next election - which looks like it will happen very soon.
Then we need to get out of the EU!
Health and Safety reply
Dear Sir:
We have reviewed your application and design diagrams:
We at first believed that you had applied to HS Aircraft in error instead of HS Agricultural Equipment and forwarded your application to them as we believed we were looking at a modified Combine Harvester. HSAE refused to deal with it.
We then assumed that you had not used "spell check" TM and had meant Hoover instead of Hover and sent the application to HS domestic equipment.
HSDE also refused to deal with the application and returned it to us here at HSAV.
After checking that the application was not dated 1 April we were forced to deal with your application.
In checking your performance figures we find not only the aptly named "Dead Man's Curve" but also the "Injured Man's Curve", "Heavy Landing Curve" and the "Shouldn't have done That Curve". Figures for the "Change Under shorts" and "Seek other Career Curve" are under review.
In reviewing the design we do not recommend operation of your machine above 5 feet AGL over a flat surface and require that Police, Fire and Medical personnel be in attendance but in a place protected from flying debris.
We can see no future in your continued development of this machine and do not see how it can ever fulfill any useful purpose.
We hear at the government HSAV are here to help but suggest that in future you contact the religious denomination of your choice to seek help from a higher authority.
In the meantime fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns.
We have reviewed your application and design diagrams:
We at first believed that you had applied to HS Aircraft in error instead of HS Agricultural Equipment and forwarded your application to them as we believed we were looking at a modified Combine Harvester. HSAE refused to deal with it.
We then assumed that you had not used "spell check" TM and had meant Hoover instead of Hover and sent the application to HS domestic equipment.
HSDE also refused to deal with the application and returned it to us here at HSAV.
After checking that the application was not dated 1 April we were forced to deal with your application.
In checking your performance figures we find not only the aptly named "Dead Man's Curve" but also the "Injured Man's Curve", "Heavy Landing Curve" and the "Shouldn't have done That Curve". Figures for the "Change Under shorts" and "Seek other Career Curve" are under review.
In reviewing the design we do not recommend operation of your machine above 5 feet AGL over a flat surface and require that Police, Fire and Medical personnel be in attendance but in a place protected from flying debris.
We can see no future in your continued development of this machine and do not see how it can ever fulfill any useful purpose.
We hear at the government HSAV are here to help but suggest that in future you contact the religious denomination of your choice to seek help from a higher authority.
In the meantime fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns.
As all HSE rules and edicts are based upon logical reasoning predicated upon the greater public good....there should be no burden or hindrance adversly affecting the conduct of an efficient operation of any sort.
Being told one is not wearing a Hi-Vis vest while holding the tail stinger of a UH-1H being towed across the Blackpool dispersal is a clear example of that kind of positive intervention. I should have known that without the Hi-Vis vest the helicopter and tug were quite vulnerable to being run over as they were not marked with any high vis markings at all.
Being told one is not wearing a Hi-Vis vest while holding the tail stinger of a UH-1H being towed across the Blackpool dispersal is a clear example of that kind of positive intervention. I should have known that without the Hi-Vis vest the helicopter and tug were quite vulnerable to being run over as they were not marked with any high vis markings at all.
Over 2 years ago the CAA reached a Memorandum of Understanding with HSE. Worthwhile reading for anyone in helicopters who gets asked to complete a Risk Assessment. You don't need to.
Here
Here
