Stupidist radio call
 

Post your best one here.

My first nomination- So last evening BN Center were having transmitter trouble on one frequency near Darwin- open mikes followed by periods off the air. I'm trying to arrange a weather diversion.

I know Aussie ATC don't routinely monitor 121.5 (I don't know WHY they don't!!) but believe they have the capacity in no-coms situations (stand to be corrected on this point)

So I give it a try- "BN center, Babble fish one calling on 121.5, do you read?"

Instant response from "some dude"

"You're on guard mate!"

Couldn't make it up....

Flying along in G, gin-clear severe CAVOK along the coast.

I spot a light aircraft (a Skyfox or Gazelle thingy I think) ahead, tracking the same direction, 500’ or so above me and about 1/2 a nautical mile abeam, but much slower. As I watch him pass abeam and above when I overtake, he obviously spots me.

Him: “Aircraft [of my description] at [my location]. Identify yourself!”

Thinks me: “Air Force 1.”

Him knowing my callsign wasn’t going to decrease an already non-existent risk of collision....

The CTAF frequency at my home airfield is shared with another 3x ALAs within 15nm or so, all in G.

Two of them have a ****load of microlight/powered parachute/death trap traffic, and one of them has glider traffic. I swear some of these guys just love the sound of their own voice as they trundle along at 500ft coastal with unnecessary position reports. They then usually start talking conversationally amongst themselves including one stooge who was giving wind reports at ground level to another.

My favourite though is when some chump uses the yank throwaway line "Any traffic in the circuit please advise!"

By comparison MagnumPI,

At least they were bloody talking!!! However I do agree, there is way too much of this (I wish I was a 747 pilot BS going on with the LSA drivers and wheeties packet pilot's). A little pilot certificate with a couple of endo's does not endorse these wannabes to hog the airways and at what cost to other traffic??

If they wanna talk SH*t all day then use the dedicated freq and not the bloody CTAF!!!
Keep it short and sweet folks.

Ooroo

Many moons ago I was ferrying a new aircraft from the UK to Oz and we had an overnight at Mumbai (India)(It was Bombay back then). It was a Sunday morning as we departed and climbed out towards Calcutta in fine weather. We transferred from departures to area on VHF and as we approached our cruise level, control said: "call-sign, report when you loose contact"....
We looked at each other somewhat speechless until we got ourselves together and made an acknowledgement! Turns out he was wanting to prompt us to transfer to HF.:confused:

Talking of Mumbai-

Could never get them to make correct calls re including call sign- Had this conversation or similar many times-

Me- "Mumbai, Emihad 123 request descent"

Them- "Descend to FL250"

Me'" Confirm Emihad 123 descend 250?"

Mumbai- "Affirm"

Me-" Confirm it was Emihad 123 you were saying Affirm to...."

Climb via SID

Descend via STAR.

Where do I begin?

GG: exactly! "Descend via STAR to (say FL250)" when the bloody STAR doesn't start until about 8000'. And the STAR has no height constraints!

Idiotic!

No,no, it's spelt ICAO.....

Australian civil ATC has never monitored 121.5.

The old BN Sect 4 which was staffed by RAAF ATC during the day Mon to Fri had 121.5. Wasn't turned off when we civvies had to takeover from them or give them a break.

Well yes, similar in Adelaide in the 1970s but it was for the RAAF and not civil ATC.

Folks,
My two bobs worth.

Large red tailed aeroplane, short final 16R, YSSY.

Tower had already advised: " ---- continue approach, expect late landing clearance"
Finally, Tower: "QF XXX, cleared to land 16R, no readback required".
From Qantas: "Cleared to land 16R, no readback required, QF XXX".

I was No.2 for 16R at the time, I was laughing so hard, I could barely concentrate on flying the aeroplane.

An all-time favourite, New York area, late afternoon, back in B707 days:
Centre: "Air France, flight conditions".
Air France: "Maintaining 7000, in and out of ze bottoms"
Microseconds late, unidentified voice: "Vive la sport"

Tootle pip!!

The number of times on uncontrolled frequencies I hear "ABC, abeam Smithville, 3,000ft". Useful position information right there.

Not a radio call as such but an exchange I was involved in with a student not particularly long ago:

Tower: "ABC, continue downwind number three behind a 172 and a Tomahawk"
Student Bloggs: "continue downwind, two aircraft ahead in sight, looking for number three"
Me doing my best to stay deadpan: "That's us, Bloggs"

Back in the days when Essendon was Melb Twr... long before the readback requirements were changed in 1997 there was only about five items on the readback list.

A certain F27 pilot had the habit of reading everything back and it gave the controllers the sh1ts big time.

One day it got the best of the Twr controller who said something along the lines of: "ABC, you are reminded that the only elements of a clearance or instruction you are required to read back are altitude anything prefixed with amended and blah blah etc"....

You guessed it... the pilots replied... " ABC understand the only elements of a clearance or instruction you are required to back are... etc etc"

I think they gave up after that!!:ugh::ugh:

The "stupidist" thing is the title to this thread.

But the funniest callsign was AYT, with the pilot reporting:

"err, alpha yankee tangee......no, alpha yalpha... no... alpho.... arrr stuff it, Ay Why Tee!"

C152 at the holding point Archerfield: "Archer tower, I would like to take off..."

My inner pedant was itching over the title, too.

I wonder what the stoopedist spelling of stupidest might be.

But then I though the OP might have used “stupidist” deliberately, in a similar sense to “nudist”. That is, someone who does “stupid” as a hobby.

What’s your hobby? I’m a nudist. And what’s your hobby? I’m a stupidist.

"ABC, no traffic for descent Bloggsville"
"Copied the traffic, ABC".

What dedicated frequency would that be?

Kaz

Class D Ground: “ABC taxi (.....) and congratulations on your first solo”

ABC : “ Err taxi (....) and congratulations on my first solo”

At a guess I'm going to say numbers....

Hehe

Never said I could spell!!

ABC - go numbers
ABC: er what freq is numbers?

ABC - go company
ABC: what freq is company?

123.45 last I checked Kaz! Think they call it the interpilot freq.

Numerous aircraft every day, to ATC: “XYZ, if available request (insert whatever it is that you’re not going to get unless it’s available)”

Stupidest? For those that didn’t read the Oztranauts thread:

Sppedbird 15 when asked their tailwind limit into SYD for an arrival on 34L during the curfew shoulder period: “15 knots but we can take a knot or two more than that”.

Moorabbin last weekend.

Unidentified aircraft approaching from somewhere. Runway in use was 35L.

Radio call was "17 left."

That was it... just simply... "17 left"

Tower responds with, "I think an aircraft just gave an inbound call for 17 left, please identify yourself."

Calls back with "35 right."

After multiple calls from the controller, he replies back with simply "Warrior ABC at Brighton, request 35 right."

This guy wasn't an international student. It was very strange and I haven't heard anything like it before. He just either couldn't be bothered, was having a massive brain fade or he was suffering from an unknown condition.


The week earlier heard a woman effectively arguing with the controller about him not giving her traffic after he clearly told her about traffic when she gave her inbound call. Reviewing the GoPro audio track later, she over transmitted when he was giving it to her and she was none the wiser until he queried her proximity to said traffic shortly after. It pays to be patient with pressing the transmit button sometimes when giving your read-back.

Classics heard in the airways (despite probably being offences of Strict Liability)

ATC: RRT, can you cross (reporting point) at (time).
PIC: aaaargh, I will give her a fair old kick in the guts but I reckon we should make that.

ATC: RRT, are you visual?
PIC: sort of. Actually, almost! Give us another hundred feet or so and you have a definite maybe.

On CTAF, in a rural area: WTF do you mean there is a wheel on the loading zone. Christ, I hope it’s not mine......(long pause). Houston, we have a problemm

New pilot taxi-ing at Big city airport: Ground, request assistance for taxi.
ground: (rattles off taxi instructions at warp speed).
New pilot: apologies, ground, request assistance...
Ground (in a Satnav voice): in 500 metres, turn right on taxi way Alpha....

Twin reports inbound to Parafield at the Dam wall at 3000 feet with a strong westerly blowing (for those not familiar, could almost be classed as a long final, high, position).
Tower: ABC, do you require an orbit for re-positioning?
PIC: no worries. I reckon I got this...

Tower: ABC, Follow the aircraft in your 5 o’clock...no make that follow traffic at your 6 o’clock

Three aircraft, same company, all headed for the same pub for lunch. Two aircraft decide to radio their passenger orders for lunch to the lead aircraft, along with diet restrictions (eg one hamburger with no egg, bacon, butter and on gluten free bread). And with pauses while pilots checked with passengers to confirm the order. For ten passengers, and 2 x pilots. On an already busy CTAF with numerous aircraft, all inbound from different directions all headed for the same pub for lunch.

Makes me miss "On the airbands" - Always an entertaining read!

A few years ago during the wet in the Kimberley, a rather large group of touring Ultralight (recreational) thingies (10 - 15 aircraft in total) were approaching a large CTAF airport. They decided that each one of them had to give minute by minute updates on frequency of their position and intentions due to the cells around the airfield. The commentary consisted of the following conversation (I forget the names used but I'm sure you get the idea).

Ultralight Pilot one: "Hey Fred, I dont see you. Where are you"
Ultralight Pilot two (aka Fred): "Ah I'm 6.2 miles at 3500ft"
Ultralight Pilot one: "OK mate I'm 6.3 miles at 3600ft,"
Fred: " Are you using GPS or DME" (the airport only had a NDB)
Ultralight Pilot one: "Im using the numbers right up here on my little screen"
Fred: "suppose i should keep an eye out for you then"

Pilot flying a 210 for a local operator: "Aviation would be a lot richer if you didn't Fred"

"Bankstown Tower......ABC ready at the runaway bay" :D

Busy day at YMMB - ATC: "Cleared to land, no need to acknowledge."

Sunfish: "Cleared to land, no need to acknowledge."

Funny once. Two clicks usual acknowledgement now.

That’s a refreshingly flexible ATC practice.

I’ll wait for the pedants to point out the readback requirements in AIP.

Slightly off-topic, but this is why a ‘low level’ MULTICOM of 126.7 and default CTAF of 126.7 would be ‘entertaining’.

ABC taxing for fuel bowser, XYZ copies and we are taxing for runnups.
Jabiru 1234 copies ABC taxing for fuel bowser and XYZ taking for runnups.
Jabiru 1234 is now taxing for fuel bowser.

While we are at it...

He enters, backtracks, lines up, turns, rolls, departs, climbs, descends, joins, finals, lands, vacates....

He forgets the ‘ing’

Back to my grumpy coffee.

Climbing to FLxxx pending clearance. :rolleyes:

I’m perpetually intrigued by this. I always wonder about the origins of that nonsense. I know that every pilot from a domestic airline whose name starts with R and ends with x does it. Why on Earth do they do it?

not just you - that ****s me to tears as well.

Another one is some special people preceed every single call with "aaaannnnnnnndddd"