Never believe the Aircrew when they say 'I wasn't playing with it, it just stopped working.':hmm:

Insert 'I never touched that switch' or 'It just came off in my hand' as required.

If the toilet has a door, ensure you take your headset with you in case the lock jams.

If the freight down the back of your frame is an armoured car or such like. Ensure you climb in it without notifying your crew and getting stuck in it for a while...........................

And of course conversely, TTT, never believe the subsequent NFF in the 700 :ok:

I don't do NFF's. Something can always be re-seated or 'Adjusted' or at the very least have a connector cleaned.

But turn the microphone off whilst straining!

Never put ur willy in the pee tube on a seaking in arctic conditions:{

Whilst enjoying a playful second or third Charlie or Wobbly early at an RAFG Happy Hour, if the phone rings and a posh-sounding voice announces itself as "Air Marshal XXXX, HQ STC" and asks for the Stn Cdr, do check first that it isn't 'Air Marshal XXXX' before replying "Well this is Fg Off X. F**k Off, Noddy!"

Or at least use someone else's name rather than your own....:uhoh:

('tis a true story, I am assured!).

Advise you never call out an ex-girlfriends name when current girlfriend has got your :mad: in her mouth..... :E

Indeed it is. Said F/O was 'invited' to HQSTC for a 'chat' with said VSO. So, a flight, train, cab ride later there is F/O Blogs standing on the Axeminster - hat on. After 5 minutes of nothing happening, VSO looks up from his desk and quietly says ' F**K off Noddy." Cue, long taxi ride, train ride and flight back to RAF G. Point made, nothing written down, noones career affected, respect earned. That was when the RAF was led rather than managed.

I'm glad that the tale was true - it showed both that VSOs were once Fg Offs themselves and still had a sense of humour!

I gather that said Fg Off was made to hang around for several hours in the outer office until the VSO was 'ready to see him'?

As you say, back when the RAF still had leaders.......:hmm:

Never :mad: the missus first thing in the morning .....

...... you may get a better offer at work! :E

Hey jimgriff How do you find it in arctic conditions? :eek:

If you let (then) JPs introduce you to the Station Commander at Chiv, don't assume that his name really is Harry.

(Thanks Gericault).:)

Teetteringhead!
It was only in arctic conditions that it had "shrunk" enough to get into the Seaking pee tube!!:E

Bill for new keyboard to Mr J Griff :E

If you meet someone called "Wedgie", don't ask him how he got that nickname...

Never try to eat anything bigger than your head...

(In basic training, being shown around the Sea Prince on Halton airfield, seeing a pee tube in the passenger compartment for the first time)

Never put your mouth over a pee tube, blow down it and shout 'Hello Cockpit'

...or, if you are an airsick RAF Snoop, believe a Wokka loady if he tells you the pee tube is an oxygen mask for airsick pax.:ok::)

When flying with certain ALMs, always check urinals and 'thunderboxes' for layers of clingfilm!:uhoh:

When flying with certain ALM's or GE's (or anybody who sits behind you whilst you are duty-bound to be facing generally forwards), don't fu@k with their bag. Always lock yours, and never use your last three as the combination, if you are the 'samsonite warrior' type.

You will NEVER win:ok:

Never assume that baby oil and alcohol are miscible . . .

The rules for people of a certain age.

1. Never miss a chance to have a pee

2. Never trust a fart

3. If you get an erection, use it, even if you are by yourself

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your willy :eek:

How could you tell?

Anyway, tips:

1. Ensure that you keep your luggage keys on a chain in your pocket.

2. Ensure you load YOUR luggage on the aircraft before doing anything else.

3. Ensure YOUR luggage is not stowed under the hydraulic reservoir.

4. Use a strong strap to hold your suitcase secure.

5. Ensure YOUR luggage is on the crew bus before you leave the aircraft.

6. Don't pack Maple Syrup in your suitcase.

Remember the 3 things that can screw up your career if done inappropriately:

1/ Handling secrets

2/ Handling money/

3/ Handling other people...

Ty Bach House Rules. Shawbury 1991.

1. Never fall in love with a woman from behind or who's wearing sunglasses.

2. Never fall in love on the radio.

3. Never look at the bloke you're cutting up on the roundabout.

4. Never turn down leave, a fourth course at dinner or a 17 year old.

6. Never take the advice of your mates.

7. Never turn down the advise of your mates.

8. Never let the boys ride the tandem after happy hour.


Rule 5 was the squash/backhand one earlier.



[One Year Later] - Never cross the crewman mafia.

We got rid of NFF donkey's years ago. It became NFA - no fault apparent.

With NFF it implied that someone had actually looked and not found. NFA on the other hand could mean we went to the aircraft but there was no obvious fault to be found.:}

1. To avoid NFF/NFA break it properly so it has to be fixed.

2. If you go U/S down route make sure it is a very small, easy to change, obscure, but VITAL component. As it is small they may use the postal service and they may lose it. If it does arrive it can be fitted with minimal effort. It may well require an air test.

3. Don't go U/S for an engine change. This too may get lost in transit but requires far more effort to fix when it does arrive.

:eek:

Surely, never put your willy where you wouldn't put your finger. I mean, one has 8 fingers!

Never put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear

When your somewhat-less-than-popular boss :hmm: is having a purge on getting BTRs done, it is probably not the most career-enhancing move there is to do a night asymmetric NDB and full power overshoot in a FunBus at 1059L in flat calm conditions the night before he has an 0-dark-00 trip to Akrotiri.....when his quarter happens to be only a few hundred yards from the NDB....:E

Ah f**k it - 'twas worth it! His wife later told my nav's wife that she'd never heard anything quite so loud before....:ok:

Still, he did insist that we needed to get our BTRs done!

I recall it changing to UTRF* when job cards were rejected for using NFF.

(*Unable To Reproduce Fault).

Ref Beagle's and Bananasbananas' tale - I heard that after waiting around all day to see the VSO, the VSO came out of his office at going-home time, asked the FO for his name, and said, "Well F*** Off!!"

When attached to the RN, check what rank a 1st Lt is before you tell him on the phone to "F*** Off I'm busy" because you are 5 minutes late for a meaningless duty.

If your boss announces he has made a decision do not say I will alert the media, no matter how funny it seems at the time.

If you cannot find a fault try replacing the seat stick interface unit

Ha ha Beags. Remember that one!


When you're half way through IOT and your girlfriend dumps you just before the mid course function, don't make the mistake of inviting a female freind who happens to be just a friend (honest!) because she's actually a lesbian. And she turns up wearing an outfit that looks like a pair of Arabic pyjamas, downs pint's of John Smith's faster than your mates, tells dirty jokes that would make Jim Davidson blush, then make a pass at your female flight commander because she's mistaken her for a fellow carpet licker (she wasn't).




(Didn't invite anyone on the subsequent course.)

When, as a fit young ex-Rock, ex-Nimrod AEOp, you go to the student's mess on your first night of your IOT course prior to becoming a V-bomber AEO, you chat up and later DCO with a fit-looking bird, do first check that she isn't your new IOT Flt Cdr!

Eh, Colin?

Off Thread, but a story which always amused me re. rug munchers:

"So, Mr.....(let's just call him Tex to preserve his anonymity), you think that the the RAFDET Adj might be a dike, do you?"
"Yes, boss"
"Why, was it something she said?"
"No - it was the way she looked at the Bob-the-JEngess....and then licked her lips!"
"Whose - and which?"

Never whistle with a mouthful of jelly and never bob for chips :eek:

Wader 2

Ref your rule 2: If you happen to be a Sqn boss and have failed to adhere to this rule, when you tell the FE to "make sure your bag is on the next plane out of there", make sure you know the destination of the "next plane out of Akrotiri" and that you're happy that that's where your bag will be next!

During your first week as Sqn JEngO do not accuse the Senior Air Tester of a switch pigs in the morning brief before chatting to him first.:ouch:

Top Tips
 

Never Fall (as I do) for the "this'll definitely be the last drink" trick.:=

Never 'Lie-in' when the Staish wants to award you with a (pre-noted) presentation at met brief. It can lead to uncomfortable moments.:uhoh:

Never allow oneself to be set alight in the workplace. It contravenes many health and safety regulations.:(

Add at least 2 hours to your ETA for coming-home time. The bar becomes a viable option then.:)