Ascoteers Multiple Choice
 

Time for a little light relief, I'll get it started


1. Which is the fastest car in the world?

a) McLaren F1
b) Ferrari F40
c) Lambourghini
d) A Hire Car


2. You arrive at your luxurious hotel to find that your crate of beer is lukewarm. Do you...

a) E - Cat the ALM
b) Phone room service for ice and chuck it in the bath
c) Put it in the mini-bar after removing all the contents
d) Put the beer in the bidet with the cold tap running until all the labels soak off, blocking the bidet and flooding the bathroom/room/entire floor of the hotel


3. A bad olive appears to have upset your tummy and on returning to your hotel room, you vomit over the TV. Do you...

a) Phone the manager, apologise and agree a small settlement
b) Wipe it down as best you can with tissues
c) Hide the TV in the wardrobe
d) Take the TV into the shower with you to clean it, and then drop the TV, destroying it and smashing the toilet


One for the Ground Engineers:-
4. During a refuel in the States, you manage to vent fuel all over the dispersal and are presented with a $1000.00 bill for the clean up. Do you...

a) Phone the Captain and let him sort it out
b) Phone the Co-pilot to bring the imprest
c) Phone the Embassy
d) Pay the bill out of your own pocket but get a receipt for $2000.00


Got the idea? Join in everyone!

(Notice that 'd' is always the correct answer)
(Also notice that you can disguise a true story in your contribution)

another
 

Your aircraft stops over at Akrotiri to refuel and collect some more passengers. There a limited time on the ground. Do you:

A. Remain on board the aircraft to continue flight prep
B. Arrange a roster to allow some of the crew to get to the Terminal Duty Free shop.
C. Kiss off the Duty Free shop, there will many other stops at Cyprus
D. Make sure the entire crew, including trolley-dollies, hog the Duty Free Shop for the entire time thus preventing the mainly army passengers who have been fighting in Iraq from purchasing as much as a soft drink combined with ignoring the growing frustrations of the troops whose opinion of the RAF is collapsing through the floor.

Another sad thread chaps, you two do the Group 2 world no end of good! It's a shame, 'cos there really are some good people working out there who actually care about their customers - but of course that'll never feature here looks like.

And I thought your little world was getting so much better!

On arrival at the hotel does the co-pilot:

a. Arrange for the imprest to be left in the hotel safe deposit box
b. Place the imprest in the hotel room safe, whilst being protected by the other crewmembers until it is secure
c. Leave it in his nav bag on the aircraft
d. Get changed in a rush, shove a few extra $100 bills in his pocket for later on in the club, stash the rest in his unlocked samsonite, get drunk, hand out the cash liberally to the crew in the club/strip joint, and all crewmembers agree they'll sign for it in the morning, then denying they were ever in the club on the first sector of the day, before agreeing on the second sector that they possibly were, but could never have spent that much cash.:8

It’s been another typical screw up. You’re just putting on your second sock before another 0-dark hundred departure when the hotel phone goes and the GE tells you that the incoming flight which you’re supposed to be flying back on a max crew duty day once it’s been turned hasn’t even landed yet. As it takes rather longer than a RyanAir 20 minute turnround to service our museum pieces, you and your hundred grunts are obviously not going to be able to get back as planned as you’ll be well out of CDT. Do you:

a. Phone Ar$ecoat Ops and say “Do what you’re paid for and give us a clue about a revised itinerary”

b. Say “They’re only grunts, they can sleep on the floor whilst we have another night out on the pi$$”.

c. Say “CDT is for weenies - we'll just press”

d. Come up with a cunning plan, get another chum to check it, then ring Ar$ecoat and get them to agree. Then get another ‘ching’ from the co-pilot, go out for a couple of beers and then leave the next day at a sensible time rather than the daft time Ar$ecoat originally planned.

Whereas you might go for option d, (hopefully), the difficulty comes in explaining yourself to the Chief Grunt when, contrary to what the movers had assured you, they haven’t been back to their barracks but have indeed had to sleep on the floor -and he thinks that you deliberately went for option b! Of course what should have happened is that Ar$ecoat Ops should have noted the departure message from the delayed ac, then issued a revised itinerary based upon a feasible departure time and their plethora of rules, not just dropped the problem on the captain 10 hours later when it was too late! Who, when rung them, still had the flight coming out on the original departure time before the delayed ac landed - clearly impossible! Option c., sorry Army chums, just is not acceptable - unless there are clear operational imperatives, all the crew agree to it and the extension is within the rules......

Ever since this happened to me, on that particular itinerary I took to working out the latest possible time when I could ring CartoonTown International to get an unfiltered estimate of the inbound ETA so that I could, if necessary, inform the crew of the delay before they started Crew Rest Period - and so that we could get our pax home with the minimum delay!

Ascoteers in the main work pretty hard to get the job done - even though you may not be aware of what goes on. But I sympathise with the mate who found the Akrotiri DF shop filled with flight crew when there were 100+ passengers on their way home from Iraq waiting to be served! Of course we used to be allowed to nip up the back stairs near the feeder and get a quick bottle that way - but Plod has stopped that.....

You are such a sad bunch of people. I hope the journo's get hold of this, then the rest of your truckie mates can thank you for it. Like I said, there are some really good people in your world, you three have missed the boat completely.

Keep up the good work...!

Duplo, I'm a trucky. I would post some witty repartee but I fear it would be greeted with another depressing post from you.

Notwithstanding the lightheartedness with which the first post was made you have failed to detect the irony in some of the subsequent posts.
jack_k - whom I assume to be army - was having a dig at the treatment of pax whilst beagle was having a dig at the oft useless system that we truckies work for.

Take a pill mate :zzz:

Will take your advice StopStart.......pill swallowed. Keep living it up boys and girls out there in Ascot land.

Actually
 

I am RAF and much to my eternal shame I kept as quiet as possible and hid in the corner of the terminal with a book to read

That wouldn't be a Jack Kxxxxxxxx on the Marlin, would it?

I've flown with Ascoteers many times, often on the flight deck, and their sheer professionalism, punchiness and obvious calibre has always filled me with respect. (It's hard to believe that the ME stream doesn't get the best from FTS, judging by these blokes!). The average Lyneham Loadie is also worthy of great praise, since most of them present a superb ad for the calibre and quality of NCO aircrew. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe they only let journos fly with a handful of crews, but I seriously doubt it.

They do a great job, in often difficult circumstances, and this thread demonstrates that they can do it while retaining a sense of humour, and without taking themselves too seriously.

The remark about calibre has nothing to do with StopStart's girth and propensity for pie-munching......

Girth?!?!
 

jack_k - my most grovellingest apologies for that appalling slur upon your good name :oh:

Jacko, as you well know, it's pies that make our aircraft go ;)

:p

Jacko, as usual, I feel humble in your company. Thanks for pointing out the obvious to your tabloid reading bretheren as I feel they might not have got the sketch without you pointing it out.

Q. What the f *** do you do? (The obvious springs to mind but I'd not like to think you wouldn't lower yourself to wearing a CWFJ with a cr ap load of badges on it whilst carrying a note book).

(big sigh)
 

You start a tongue-in-cheek thread on Pprune hoping to raise a few titters but it ends up as another slanging match, even putting the willies up the venerable StopStart. Do you...

a) Respectfully request that non-Ascoteers desist
b) Sit back and watch the flak
c) Cease Ppruning forthwith
d) Put it down to jealousy and press on regardless



Here's a golden oldie...

You wake up in a foreign land in a strange room. You are naked. All your clothes are missing. You vaguely remember a beautiful maiden. Do you...

a) Try to contact the Embassy
b) Wrap yourself in a sheet and make the best of a bad situation
c) Cry yourself to sleep and hope it will all go away
d) Take a revenge crap in the bed, then look up to see a puzzled maiden standing in the doorway with all your clothes laundered, pressed and folded.


keep on truckin'

Sir Peter's....

More hangovers and good times to the lot of you truckies out there ! And that's from me, yes me, the one you lost enroute in early February 1991 from Dubai to Bahrain to Riyadh to Al Jubayl resulting in a really boring 36 hour stopover at "Romper's Green" near the Sheraton in Riyadh (I assume you lot were staying in the Sheraton as befits your station?)

Anyhow, thanks for letting me up into first class and stick my head up into that little glass bubble up top - do you still navigate that way ?


:ok: :ok: :E

I seem to recall they were slumming it the Riyadh Marriott having claimed that the toilets in the compound they had been put in didn't work!

Arrive with 65 pax at hot destination without RAFLO. Co briefs what HM will and will not pay for. Do pax:

a) Have a good night, turn up on time, having paid for any extras on hotel bills thus ensuring no delay for co-pilot who has turned up to pay for bill 1 hr before departure.

b) Have a good night, turn up on time, a few squaddies forgetting the brief about the minibar but put right by the CSM, depart on time.

c) Have a good night, turn up late, a few squaddies use the minibar a few watch some films but are sorted by the CSM, depart a few mins late.

d) Have a miserable time, turn up late, squaddies remember the brief, JOs claim did not hear the brief, watch films, order wine with the meals, drink mininbar dry, claim to have no personal money at all, CSM apologises, company commander couldn't care less, depart to aircraft 30 mins late, aircraft broken. With +12 hours difference to base, base offers to send parts and fixers on next available departure from LHR, guaranteeing at least 24/48 more hours in location. Despite no reciprocal engineering agreement crew organises local users of similar type to fly up parts within 3 hrs, gets dispensation for engineering fix (flying controls/independents) and are underway in short order.

Mr R,
I gather from your post you have done the Kabul run:yuk: Matters not what you tell them you can bet your bottom dollar some fu:mad: :mad: er with a plum in his gob and some variation on "pips" will have confirmed "d" as the correct answer.


However you arrive in Cyprus and it's dark-o-clock and outside normal working hours, you are tired and hungry after a sleep depriving Oh my god it's early start from wiltshire......are you:-

a...bussed to a mess where there is a happy chef waiting to prepare you an apetising hot meal after a couple of long legs via "queer places"

b...expecting to arrive and find the DAMO and his staff have their finger on the pulse, a change to CSI's reveals a change of heart on the beancounter front which allows the issue of some cash in leiu of a missed meal and the bars on the strip sre still open

c...relieved to find a never ending "q" of friendly and talkative taxi drivers waiting outside the various strip locations at "last orders"
waiting patiently to take you back to block 101

d...expecting that the "Bono" aircraft, the fu:mad: :mad: ing strimmers,cleaners and all the other asscoiated white noise that only Akroneli seems capable of generating is going to keep you up and therefore seek solice in at least two slabs of Keo from VAHS

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

You have started to gain a few pounds due to the Ascot lifestyle. You should...

a) Do nothing - the wife won't mind - there's just more of you to love
b) Take up jogging immediately
c) Start dieting, after all chips are vegetables
d) Stop eating on the ground

Your load from 'Queer Place' is 50 PAX and a flask marked 'BIO HAZARD' Destination Porton Down. What should you do?

a) Check your life insurance.
b) Report sick.
c) Suggest taking the PAX or the flask, but not both.
d) Make representations at the highest level and get relieved of your duties.

Despite the plan being treated with incredulality(!) by the Int Branch and the fact that the pax have just killed their airport rep and are known mad dirty arabs.....You've just been ordered to fly a 'dumb' aircraft into Kabul/Baggers, pick up these fine chappies and take them on their Haj, do you:

A. Forget about the fact that you're unarmed, security checks will be a lottery and that your insurance will not pay out for acts of terrorism (subsequent BOI will probably blame the aircrew anyway), fly a ridiculous crew duty day, thank your lucky stars that your masters are looking after your every whim and have 'covered all the bases' and deliver the rag-heads with a smile.

B. State that the world has gone mad, 'phone the missus - bid her goodbye (apologising for all the tat in the attic) and fly the mission, insisting that you're armed up to the teeth.

C. Look to your Boss for support, watch as his authority is totally usurped then join the queue at the PVR tent.

Finally,
D. Thank GOD or Allah that you weren't put in that position in the first place and that you were quite content to do continuous 'nights' in Ops and that the signal from HQ stating that they were content to lose a couple of aircraft (occupants aswell I guess) as an op risk for the sake of PR, was probably a forgery.

The above event was, of course, was untrue.

Sitting on Sector 23 at Swanwick having just issued a clearance to an Ascot off EGDL with a string of crossed out P times do you:

a) expect that the A/C will be airborne soon

b) expect to have to vector an old Herc round the skies just so that it stands a chance of reaching the standing agreement

c) expect to have a phone call from APP to cancel the clearance due to the A/C going tech

d) resign yourself that it wont get airborne until it can get in the way of all the Bristol and Cardiff Inbounds and then tangle with the TMA Inbounds and still not be able to make the standing agreement

For some strange reason you turn right instead of left when exiting the en suite bathroom in your luxury 5-star hotel room and end up naked in the corridor locked out of your room at 0330. Do you:

A. Sleep in the corridor.

B. Knock on a fellow crew member's door and sleep in his spare bed.

C. Use a fellow crew member's room phone to call reception for assistance.

D. Grab the corridor fire extinguisher, hold it in front of you and creep down to the reception desk to get a spare key whilst an entire civvy flight and cabin crew arrives to check-in behind you at the desk. :uhoh:

I took the escape tunnel from Rompers Green in 1991 after 9 fantastic years on both sides of the airfield.

It looks as if absolutely nothing has changed - keep on trucking boys.....(and girls!)

Gashcan,

There was an escape tunnel ? My oppos and I were "overlooked" for a day and a half or so at RG and just about tolerated a repugnant, shorta**$% little balding "senior officer" who was also in "sick (sic?) transit Gloria" and thought he owned the place !

We trooped off up North feeling very bad tempered and maybe that was part of the Pschology ? Doubt it, he was an insufferable prat and although he didn't recognise it at the time he was displaying all the symptoms of a death wish. I understand one of his colleagues read his bumps for him before things, including him, got really uglier.

If there's any justice he now runs an hotel in Babbacombe with his vindictive boyfriend.

Surprising, because everybody else there was just brilliant and the scran was A1.

EESDL - Your Haj story was reported in the newspapers back home, it wouldn't have been a very good PR job if it hadn't been! I take it that you witnessed a few last will & testaments that night. PS. What is Arabic for 'Oi you! Stop crapping in the urinal!'

Pilgrim - I have read and re-read your post and I am none the wiser.



You are staging through Akrotiri on the way home with a DAC load and some passengers. Strong headwinds will mean a fuel stop in Italy or France on the way home. It is Bank Holiday weekend and you cannot get diplomatic clearance to arrange that flag stop.

a) Send your PAX to the block/messes and have a couple of days in a hotel down Limmassol, waiting for dip clearance (or the winds to change)

b) Offload the PAX and their bags so that you can make it home in a 'one-er'

c) Get airborne and then feign and emergency and divert to Nice for fuel.

d) er....perhaps you could help us out here Duplo

Flying a military 8 - prop that used to measure waypoint times in days...You are off to Knypoz to try and dry the beast out. But you need to make the Akgroteri window of 1500 shutdown (so the local RAF mob can get down to Arabs before the APC mates). Do you:

a. Make representations to STC to get the dump to stay open an extra 60 minutes once every two months.

b. Nightstop Brindisi and so have a early, but not unreasonably so, start the next day.

c. Land at a French airbase for a v. early start but that's OK 'cos you landed early

d. Flag Nice because your francophile **** of a boss has friends there, even though you get less than min rest after putting the ac to bed, the hotel is next to an autoroute and you have to start-up and taxi before the airport opens so as to make Akkers by three.

Right I'm on a roll now...Sorry to hijack a good Ascoteers thread (is there a good Ascoteer?). Anyway..

The punters love the sound of 4 Griffons giving it large so the squadron puts on a display routine. Do you:

a. Do the high-speed pass (180 kt) into wind and the low-speed (140) downwind meaning any sort of wind down the display line and there's no difference.

b. Spend 3 1/2 hrs each way going to/from Mildenhall's IAT '89 two days on the trot because you can't land as you have no spare brake units and the aircraft has to be towed to and from the runway.

c. Spend any time that you do get at airshows explaining that no this is your real job.

d. All of the above.

God I hated Shackletons.

...they don't bother me

But they seem to have given you Tourettes Spontaneous Backslash Syndrome

Ahhhhhhh - Shacklebombers.....

Went for a trip in a Mark 3 Phase 3 from HMP Kinloss in 1969. We bounced a Noggie trawler at about 250ft in the cold, black, wet night; poor bug.ger was rolling from gunwale to gunwale! Could still hear the engines 2 days later. No H&S in those days....

Got a trip back from Lossie to Leuchars 12 years later in an AEW. Dreadful thing - it would have been quicker to have walked... But amusing as it went boing......boing.....boing all the way down the runway.

But they were useful in filling gaps in the radar horizon. Was Bear-chasing once in the '10 when a Shack picked up the contact way on the beam. We scuttled over to intercept it and nabbed the Tovarichi on their way home. Got some good piccies as well!

I once was asked by a Signaller in a Shack to relay an Ops Normal back to Fishfleet HQ - "Position this, estimate that, ETA Lossie....etc etc" We read it back and added "Was that ETA...today?"

These should be easy.........
 

Right then.
None of the following ever happened.
Nor should it.
These are all figments of my overactive imagination.

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After a few days in the sun in some distant, beer soaked sunny place you are tasked to return home, empty, with a nightstop in a godforsaken, snowswept, screechingly tragic place. Half an hour after departure a series of dramatic incidents results in you landing, on 3 engines, back at the sunny place. Crew Duty is tight. Could this be another nightstop? The GE is confident he can fix the snag in double time and get you on your way that day.

Do you:

a) Encourage him to work as fast as possible to get you on your way

b) Volunteer crew members and yourself to assist with the removing of panels and various other engineering tasks to help him out.

c) Recheck all your planning figures and refile flight plans so that as soon as he's done you are ready to go

or

d) Loaf about in the air conditioned crew room watching the GE working like a mentalist in the blazing heat. Congratulate him (through clenched teeth) on completing the task and trudge slowly out to the aircraft in the hope that crew duty will expire. Leap with joy when the ever resourceful loadmaster then announces that the inflight catering has not been kept at the appropriate temperature for the last hour or so and that, in accordance with the clearly published regulations, he must re-cater before flying again. This will take ages. Suggest a 24 hr delay to help him. He and everyone else agrees that that is probably a good idea. Repair to hotel bar.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst on a very brief detachment to an American/NATO airbase you and your crew (and everybody else for that fact) experience a rather major earthquake.

Do you:

a) Join the large burly marine types walking up and down the road sobbing about, er, the ground moving somewhat.

b) Find a vehicle with a flashing light on and charge about up and down the road for no apparent reason with all the other vehicles with flashing lights?

c) Rush about seeing what help you can offer to all the people who haven’t been injured.

or

d) Realise, that with all the power off i) all the beer is going to go cold and ii) all the frozen inflight rations are going to defrost and that the immediate solution is to vacate the now fractured building for a large barbeque and booze up. Invite passing sobbing marines to join you however they turn down the offer assuming that you must either all be in shock or be British or something.
When the Class Six later opens for “emergency supplies” proceed there directly; note the yanks purchasing duct tape, candles, torches, matches, signal flares and survival blankets. Note that your trolley appears to be stacked only with beer…. Turn down the subsequent offer of Post Traumatic Earthquake Counselling Sessions.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst sweeping a pair of F3 aluminium pursuit ships across the states you are diverted into a quiet Colorado town as both jets have gone u/s there. Upon arrival it transpires that the spare part required to fix the sickest jet is in the back of your aircraft fitted to a spare engine. The engineers get to work:

Do you:

a) Watch as the part is removed from the engine, fitted to the sick jet and you then saddle up and get on your way with the minimum delay.

b) Watch as the part is removed from the engine and fitted to the sick jet. There is then a period of testing and paperwork required so a brief nightstop is required.

c) Watch as the part is removed from the engine and fitted to the sick jet. There is then a period of testing and paperwork required so a brief nightstop is required. A few minor technical snags delay the departure the next day but you all eventually get on your way just within crew duty.

d) Watch as the JENGO is told that he can’t remove the required bit from the serviceable engine because that will mean that engine will then be unserviceable and that will ruin all the stats back in the UK. Watch as UK says the part will be AOG’d out and you’ll be away within the next 24. Note that it’s Thursday. Part arrives in Los Angeles late on the Friday. It’s a military part so has to be Customs checked. No customs over the weekend. Spend the weekend staggering about Colorado. Part is eventually customs cleared late on Monday. Handlers say that it’s on it’s way to you.
Tuesday, nothing appears. Series of phonecalls reveals that the part is going by road. Expect it the next day. Nothing appears the next day. More phonecalls. Transpires that part has gone by road……to Nellis. Note that you are not in Nellis. Next day (1 week later now) UK agrees part can be robbed from engine that has been sat in the back of your aircraft, 20 metres from the unserviceable jet for the last 7 days. With the end in sight and the jets now serviceable, you almost die laughing when the movers phone to tell you that they’ve punctured the aircraft skin with the forklift whilst reloading your aircraft………

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I’m sure there’s more out there waiting to be made up………………
:E

Moving 150 Edinburgh based soldiers from the Athens of the North to the green damp place across the water, do you:

a) Lay on something large and comfortable to fly the boys from Turnhouse to Aldergrove?

b) Lay on a few noisy uncomfortable things to fly the boys from Turnhouse to Aldergrove?

c) Insist on a 5.00 am report time at Lyneham to board a few noisy uncomfortable things - thereby necessitating a ghastly overnight coach journey, no sleep and more aggro between the Light Blue and the green?

or

d) Insist on a 5.00 am report time at Lyneham to board a few noisy uncomfortable things - thereby necessitating a ghastly overnight coach journey, no sleep and more aggro between the Light Blue and the green .... and then land at Edinburgh on the way past (never did find out why). Approximately 650 miles travelled in 24 hours for a net gain of 6 miles.

Lets hope that someone from @rsecot ops is reading these posts, as its mostly their fault.

How’s about some RAF Regt chaps who are PAX from Kabul, slipping (twice) through to Lyneham, approx 21 hours on Albert (25 hrs chock to chock) then a coach ride from Lyneham to Catterick!!

(This is hard work)
 

I'm going to drip feed this thread until you lot cheer up and stop bickering.


This one from a Navigator chum of mine.


In the cruise @ 24000' with one engine shut down due to prop low oil light. A second engine has fluctuating RPM which you can't fix. Do you...

a) Relight the shut down engine to avoid a 2 engine situation

b) Carry on and hope for the best

c) Find the nearest available diversion with suitable crash cat, runway length, etc

d) Get the rate sheet out and select a diversion for the best night out!

You are at a USAF base in the deep south for an airshow and your hosts have laid on some beer by a swimming pool. There are various other aircrews with you including the Blue Angels. the tannoy announces a Tornado Alert, do you:-

1. Follow the lead of the Blue Angels who do a rapid formation departure.

2. Hang on a bit because you have never seen a Tornado for real.

3. Dive in the pool

4. Carry on drinking the beer and take only a passing interest in this black whirly thing noisily going by a few hundred feet away.

Its 43 degrees C outside and you are about to depart a foreign s:mad: hole for somwhere much nicer. You line up on the excuse for a rumway with a very impatient local operator in his Russian built deathtrap champing at the bit behind you. As you advance the thottles, the Take Off Configuration Warning sounds. Do you:

a) retard the throttles, come to a clear the runway, taxy back to the ramp and investigate the problem risking being stuck in the s:mad: hole?

b) retard the throttles, clear the runway, investigate the problem from within the cockpit thus claiming another lunch allowance?

c) have a quick scan around the cockpit to see if you can see what caused the warning to trip, then press?

d) press?

Definitely option b!

Then recycle flaps, slats, speedbrakes and TPI and try again. If the TOCW test is OK, it's probably a fault with the 'interrupter' unit - the thing that makes the horn go 'beep - beep - beep'. Can also be set off if the cabin alt warning input is tits. I know this because I once aborted at 90 KIAS for a TOCW warning once during a 93% FTOT t/o (when the throttles are NOT inside the inhibited range). We came to a halt and discovered that 7 other crews had experienced this snag - but not one had bothered to snag it. W*NKERS!!!! 'twas indeed the cabin alt warning circuit which was causing the spurious fault warning!

Its B with the addition of pull the appropriate cb
(Any BA guys here remember Box B payments?)

Albert on Tour


Yes, there is indeed someone from @rsecoat ops reading this and having secured my escape chit I'll be in touch with your desk officer recommending you as my replacement !!!!! You're just the sort of ill informed tw@t who might actually learn something from endless 12hr shifts trying to get a quart out of a pint pot!

How did you manage to tunnel out, Speccers? And where are you going next??

Oooooh, somebody's tired!


PS. You cannot get a quart out of a pint pot. As long as you keep trying you'll make @rses out the lot of us.