OK. So you’re finishing a 6-hour trog around the Shetlands for a JMC bore-ex in your contra-rotating air defender. Lossie is being Tacevaled. On the way back you call up approach to be told that an air raid is inbound. Do you:

a. Charge back at 180 kts to beat the Fencers (aka Jags), deliver the aircraft for a quick turn-around and hope you’ll make the sqn NBC shelter (part of the crewroom covered in black polythene) in time to spend the next 10 hours kipping on the floor.

b. Get back as best you can, put on your S6s at the far end of the runway like good boys and then spend 4 hours trying to shout a debrief to the ginger beers who have been in and out of NBC for the last 2 days and who are frankly ”not ‘appy sir”.

c. Hold off, wait for the raid to pass, the airfield to be declared clean then land and wait for the next raid.

d. Hold off – whilst declaring a PLE of about 6 hours, wait for the raid to pass, let a wave of holding-off Buccs land whilst you have lunch, hold off for another wave of Buccs to land, do a PD to Wick, sort out the remaining nosh in the galley, declare a PLE of 1 hour in time for the next raid then immediately divert to Kinloss which isn’t playing and is where the radar team have MQs, land, go out of hours and let all singlies then piss off to a surprisingly empty Thunderton.

This one is definitely for the front page of the forum.

There! That should do it (for now). Keep the “questions” coming!

Similar vein to Dunhovrin, but I'll keep it short. Do you

1 as captain throw in an extra couple of PD's at PWK, slow transit back to Kinloss via all the beauty spots on the west coast, and land just in time to have missed the latest air raid?

2 direct transit back to Kinloss and get f****d around?

Well done captain, good decision

You overhear a conversation about ‘flares’, where does your daydreaming take you?


a) To Afghanistan, low level on gogs, dodging RPG’s, Triple A & tracer, hair on fire, loadie in the cupola, to see over the next ridge, CoPilot has his eyes shut, Nav earning his Hob Nobs for a change, Air Eng screamin’ for his mother, GE’s smokin’ down the back, Air Despatchers laying bets on who dies first, passengers looking menacing

b) To something you always do a bit too early and get a slap from that urine smelling, grumpy old Sqn Ldr sat to your left

c) Flares..Flare..Flair..to that natural talent that deserted you when you needed it most. You could have been a contender, you never stood a chance

d) To that 70’s disco where you made a medalion out of your Jubilee medal and some lamb chop sideburns from your pubic hair and double sided sticky tape


Mostly a)
You are the best of the bunch, apart from the fact you fly a Hercules. You have been chosen for the job for certain aspects of your character, most of which suggest you should have joined the Army

Mostly b)
You are on the OCU and just wish some of that equal opportunities stuff would rub off on that bully of an instructor who causes you to cry yourself to sleep every night

Mostly c)
You are a Navigator

Mostly d)
You are an Ascoteer (my son). The world is your lobster :}

What happened there? I was reading a fine kipper/vomit story and it disappeared before my eyes! I thought the whole thread had gone and got all paranoid because I have mentioned an event which flipster has brought up on another thread. (but without much humour)

Anyway, it seems the contributor has just deleted his post that's all.

While we're on the subject:

On behalf of Lyneham Hercules Wing I would like to thank our Kipper Fleet Mates for neutralising the Al Quaeda/Taliban submarine threat on our recent expeditionary force.

:8

PS Does anyone know what happened to the (alledged) £20,000 Talibar bar profits? Start another thread, mind.

A on T,

Don't know what happed to the Talibar profits but the left over stock headed North. Have been quietly sobbing watching the jinglie workers pour pallet loads of Strongbow and John Smiths down the drain on instructions of the Army because it was past its 'Best before' date :{ . I wonder what the light blue solution would have been, promos?, twofers?, give it away? but to pour it down the drain... that must be alcohol abuse extrodinaire!!! :sad:

Chaps

The profits were distributed to other bases in that part of the world where alcohol is not allowed and, therefore, profits are not really available. This ensures DVD libraries, block TVs etc were bought for those slightly less well off.

We did put a lot of effort into ensuring there were not too many spare cans to be shipped away at the end! :ok:

You travel to Canadian truckie base and you find lively local bar and decide to enter to show how the UK truckie fleet party but you find 13 blokes from another fleet far away from water do you:

1. Take banter fire back and join in

2. Send expendable Co-pilot to investigate

3. Sit in the corner and huff

4. Tell Loadie off for mixing with them

5. Leave bar muttering Bloody Nimrods to sound of Tanka W*nka and Trucker F*Kka.

ps Using this greeting in the Queen Vic FI gets you barred miserably gits:E

Barf Simpson
 

Kipper story again

You are the fourth ‘wet’ on a 15-man formation eating team heading over to Oman. You stop over for the night in a hot Mediterranean country and go down town to feed. During the meal you quaff enough local red wine to put even Keith Floyd into a coma.
Next morning you arrive at hotel reception (late) wearing that tasteful white, but now puke stained, shirt you wore the previous evening (said ‘wettie’ having carefully placed white shirt on floor next to bed and then later………:yuk: ).
On boarding transport to the airbase even your best friends ignore you and you are placed at the rear of the bus with all the windows open.
Over the next 10 days in Oman you do ‘maritime tasking' (chasing camels across the desert etc).

What do you do with your shirt? Do you:

a. Give it to the hotel laundry with a very large tip.

b. Give it to the local laundry downtown.

c. Lose it and claim it caught fire in the heat.

d. Place unwashed shirt in plastic bag. Keep in wardrobe in hot hotel room for the rest of the detachment. Take home and present bag and contents to wife, explaining that it was the boys fault for making you 'yam' all that red wine.

You are given the dubious honour of flying Blair force one,

Mr Blair and his wife cruella de Blair are on board and for some unknow reason fall out of the aircraft. Do you:-

A) Transmit a mayday.
B) Realising the sh*t coming your way jump from the aircraft also.
C) Start filling in the paper work.
D) Re-trim.

Albert & Dummy Run

I was at Thumrait for the drawdown and there was an unenforced, voluntary, self policing, 3 can rule! (How does that work then? – Answer: It didn’t) The entertainments committee suggested twofers but that was pooh poohed because of the 3 can rule. Then someone came up with the clever idea of having a big raffle with the same amount of prizes as tickets, but that was a bit hopeful and was also refused. As I left, the dreaded ‘back to central funds’ rumour was rife.


Mr FineChap

Fair cop, but promise me that no bar profits were spent on gymnasium equipment.


Charlie Luncher

Those Ascoteers were performing the ritual of an ‘Ascot Shuffle’, which starts at the hotel bar and ends up in the Lap Dancing club. I’ve served on the Kipper Fleet at HMP Kinloss, and now I’m on Hercs, and we’re not so different. Oh, hang on, there is one difference. Our crew has a balanced cross section of society with just the one failed cook/copper/PTI, whereas your crew has a much larger portion of doughnut eating immature cretins (only joking) By the way, the NLS rock band was called Sir Peter Harding’s Lovechildren!!

Right, I have a warm feeling, as if I’ve just got up to date on my e mails. Back to the Robbie Williams concert at Knebworth (on TV)

Standards, Standards.
 

LoveChild

I promise you that no gym equipment was purchased with the monies - that would be bad jujus.

Can we pull up sandbags for Thumrait already? How the Americans loved our bar - when they were allowed there! Bigger cans than theirs, cheaper and actually containing alcohol! Seeing their little confused faces when faced with non American beer! Seeing them trying to walk afterwards!! 3 can rule. If you picked a fight with the DetCo after 2 cans, don't drink. If you can tappy lappy off to bed after a little more, then fairly dos. It cut down on grief, so it did work, really.

LoveChild - do your happy memories include you assisting in the construction of the 'worst packed pallet of the year'? I nearly took a saw to it, but there was too much to cut off!

:E

As one of Her Majesties finest Ascoteers, your lifestyle choices are slightly at odds with the views of the management, the medical branch, the gymnasium staff and the Padre.

What is your attitude to the fitness test?

a) Fitness Test my @rse. It’s voluntary so what are they going to do about it eh? Hold up my promotion? Make me work the weekend? On the recent track record with pregnant WRAF’s, homosexuals & ethnic minorities they’re hardly likely to pick on the Fat Wheezy Boys with a Note From Matron. And what’s that bleep test all about? I failed the test for a 39 year old male but would have passed if I was an 18 year old girl. Where’s yer equal oportunities there, eh? Blah…blah…mumble…dribble. I wish we were a bit more like the Army (bluffing now) Sport for All. Wednesday afternoons, Jumpers for goalposts…not just encouraging the already fit people to get get fitter while becoming a burden to their workmates…

b) Well, I’d dearly love to be a bit fitter but I’m able to do my job, and if I lie low no-one will notice. I’ll get a grip one day, but it will be for my own good, and not for some silly bleep test. I’ll handbag it for another year and then I can fail the bike test. I’m giving up smoking as soon as I’ve finished this carton of Duty Free’s…

c) I think I’m anorexic, every time I look in the mirror I see a fat person looking back at me.

d) All of the above, in sequence, over a few years. Then, in line with MOD policy, you put enough work in to achieve the minimum standard you can get away with….and then you fail your hearing test!!



Finechap. I did take part in building that pallet but under the supervision of one of the senior loadies on the fleet. He's big and ee's black and I be afraid of 'im. I'll let him know of your criticism! :ok: Those wooden bits sticking out the top were the legs of the 'Wench Bench' which has seen 2 wars, a lot of fag breaks and at least one copulation.

Travelling to Norway midwinter on a Klassic, cargo pack has run away fully cold. Eventually a representative of the 45 marines down the back comes and asks if anything can be done about the temperature.

Do you

a. Inform him that it is being dealt with and having realised its below the Health and Safety minimum temperature you are returning to Lyneham?

b.Point out its lovely and warm on the flight deck and offer to rotate the pax through in order that they can warm up a little?

c. Apologise profusely but thats what you get with a 40 year old aeroplane?

d. Say "Not our fault mate, your bosses have decreed that you are all to be acclimatised before we land so that's what we are doing." and receive the reply "Thats F***in typical they're always doing stuff like that to us!"?


Re: Wench bench construction.Was the angle of the seat 15 degrees or 25 I cant remember?

Back to the top


The C130 K weekly mail run around the Balkans is a bit of a long slog for little reward, but there always seems one or two of the fleet's foreign exchange officers on the crew. Why is that, then?

a) The desk johnies treat them like second class citizens, ne imposters, and give them all the cr@p jobs.

b) Or could it be that they volunteer for it in order to get a month's income tax refunded for doing an hour an a half in Pristina! And probably a couple more medals thrown in!

Only joshing, more fool us for not being so well looked after.

A on T
 

For little reward??

These days a night in Italy and a chance of some df's is reward enough, very few and far between, unless you fly those modern things!!

I'll just have to make do with the Duty Free's and the night in Italy, watching all the girls go by.

But with the amount of time I've spent away in the last few years, I would appreciate a 75% rebate on my:-

Income Tax
Council Tax
Road Tax &
TV Licence

Then I woke up to find that my arse had healed up :\

BACK TO THE TOP
 

Ha Ha, at last a proper thread, and one in which we should be proud, too much BO****ks on this site for ages now, that's why I've not bothered with it much these last few months, oh and the war.....I nearly forgot about that.

Q. You are unsure who is going to do the Imprest this time do you?

A. do it yourself
B. get the eng to do it (eek)
C. get the captain to do it
D. get the loady to do it (like some of the other truckie fleets) (see bottom of reply)

The answer lies in the fact that apparently some of the truckie fleets who dont fly with a Nav (eek again) think that it is too much responsibility for (d) to do it, no sorry that they will be too busy during the flight, no sorry that its been like this for ages so why change it....ha ha that's it why change something that aint broke, actually why not?

Answers on the back of a HMSO stamp please!;)

(It works strangely on other A/C)
:ok:


"twas the demons officer.....they made me do it"

sad but true
 

Well Well at least someone has sorted out the mighty Brize conundrum, years we have been asking for this.

Q. What happens when you are too busy with flying to do the imprest? (again I might Add...its a FS issue anyway)

a). Get someone who has got nothing to do during the flight to do it (Nav?)
b?. Get someone else who is doing nothing to do it (Nav 2)
c?. Get the Nav to do it.
d?. Attempt to get the empire of the loadies to do it (Not Possible)

Good old Loadies...well done to all of you, shine yer boots though
:{

A can of worms is opened

About time this fine thread was back at the top.

You are on a Comp A trip out of FI’s to take a pax to San Paulo for urgent onward flight back to UK. Having sorted out pax it’s a night stop before the trip back to MPA.
Its also Saturday night and today has seen the big local derby between the two city football teams. As the crew are quietly going about the business of having a few beers and a pizza, the Co Pilot is “recognised” as the identical twin brother of the top scoring local hero of the winning team (a bit of a tall ginger Gazza from what we could make out!!).

Do you:

a. Return quietly to your hotel to avoid any rowdiness.
b. Persuade Co to wear a hat thus hiding the incriminating ginger locks.
c. Attempt to explain the as we are from England and have never been to Brazil before its unlikely that there is much family resemblance between the Co and the local soccer idol.
d. Buy a replica shirt and a football from a late night shop and get Co to demonstrate for the assembled crowd his legendary soccer prowess and range of tricks including back flip and overhead kick. Have a replay of the 1970 world cup match in the main street and generally enjoy one of the finest nights I ever spent on the RAF AT fleet.

Ascoteers Multiple Choice
 

Albert on Tour, Stopstart, SirPeters etc etc,

Thanks for a top thread. Having just left that secret base in wilts the 'made up' events you all have obviously thought of on the spur of the moment brought back some happy memories. Keep trucking guys and see you at Guiness & Mince Pies

Sir Peter
You are in the secret fun holiday village in Oman
There is a 3 can rule, and No smoking or drinking outside the bar.
Do you
a, Get the ALM to order extra bacon and rolls.
b, Get the ALM to order extra bacon and rolls.
Or
c, get the ALM to order extra bacon and rolls.
I miss that place, all those happy, helpful people
It was just like Karachi, but less fun.

All spelling mistakes are because I can’t spell.

:uhoh: :ugh: :{

Weapon Unloading Drills (Airborne)
 

You are an ageing Sqn Ldr Navigator on the C130

Another sucessful delivery of plastic spoons to Kabul nearly done. You're on the way home as dawn is breaking, you've been up nearly 24 hours now and you're getting a bit fatigued. You are looking forward to a bacon sarnie from the loadie, and better still, a nice cool beer in the Aircrew Debrief Facility at six in the morning. Then sleep.

One last job, before descent to Thumrait - unloading the weapons and storing them back in the ammo box for next time. You wish you had paid a bit more attention at the Regiment section on your annual shoot. How do you fire off the action on the pistol?


i) Remove loaded magazine
ii) Working parts to the rear
iii) Check chamber is clear


then.....

a) Release working parts forward.
Insert empty magazine and fire off the action.
Exchange correctly cleared weapon for bacon sarnie.

b) Release working parts forward.
Re-insert full magazine and fire off the action.

c) Release working parts forward.
Bash pistol butt on desk (a la Inspector Dreyfus)

d) Re-insert full magazine.
Release working parts forward.
Shoot the Flight Engineer in the back of the head.
Fill out accident report.

e) Re-insert full magazine.
Release working parts forward.
Fire off the action at the floor by your ankles.
Proceed to crash site having shot the Liquid Oxygen Container (LOX Pot).

f) PUT THE GUN DOWN, SIR. IF YOU PASS IT TO ME CAREFULLY, I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE BACON SANDWICH AND A CUP OF TEA.

Got to be F Otis! Ive had many a nervous night watching the 3 Ocifers unload their 9mm over Pakistan. I just hope they put them plastic spoons to good use!

You're on a det for the first time in years, after some dodgy prawns and some liquid refreshment probably out of a dirty glass you retire gracefully. In the middle of the night you have an accident. Do you:

a) Throw yourself into the shower, the soiled laundry into the bath and sleep it off on the bare matttress.

b) Throw yourself into the shower, throw the soiled laundry out of the window and sleep it off on .....

c) Throw yourself into the shower, call house-keeping ask them to throw the soiled laundry into the bin whilst offering a handful of cash to keep quiet, sleep it off ....

or

d) Gather up soiled laundry, walk down to reception to explain situation whilst leaving a rancid trail of bodily functions, realise error and return to room leaving similar trail on other side of corridor. Try to clear up mess using own t-shirt and leave all soiled items in pile outside own door. Sleep it off and face music in morning.

You are an ageing Navigator (a theme is developing!) on the long trek from your top secret sandy base to deliver some of HM's finest at the dead of night. Now the planning has been thorough, v.long, fraught but is alas over and our plan gets us "sausage side" wholly in the very very dark. Scene shifts to the mighty workules were our hero`s are busy eating pies. Everything is going swimmingly and most things are in place, but our hero the Nav is having just a little trouble seeing all of his empire (dont forget he,s had lots to do and is tired already and has a talking part in this plan) does he........

a. Quietly go about his business and tape up a few more cylumes so that he can see what he needs for the trip.

b. Tape up a few more cylumes just to be sure so that he can see what he needs for the trip

c. Yet more cylumes and ask the Eng to keep some aside just in case as he`s` not feeling the best and its going to be a long night

d. Ask the Loadie for strong coffee before it gets busy as blah blah

e. Ask everyone if the light from his station is bothering them as he`s using more than normal lighting

f. Take off his sunglasses as its not yet dark outside and everyone is laughing so much it hurts

:cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:

There's life in this old dog yet
 

You are tasked with a TOP SECRET mission to go to ***** to pick up a ****** of **** and deliver it to ***** **** before ******** the ****.


a. You attend a top secret briefing where you are told of the **** and ******. Your security status is checked.

b. You remove all name badges from your clothes and bags.

c. You are told not to inform you family of your ****** and *****.

d. Your luggage is searched extensively before departure.

e. THE RAF POLICE ESCORT TURN UP AT THE AIRCRAFT IN THEIR FLYING SUITS WITH BADGES.....

RANK
NAME
UNION JACK
'NUCLEAR WEAPONS CONVOY UNIT'

..and of course their Mums know 'cos who else was going to spell UK for them...

At 24,000 feet in the cruise, you notice that the Flight Engineer is surreptitiously strapping himself into his seat. You are puzzled and a little worried. Why is he doing this?

a) He is anticipating a little turbulence ahead

b) He has spotted a potential malfunction and is preparing for the possibility of some red card drills.

c) He can't keep his eyes open any longer and he is strapping in to avoid waking the Captain & Co Pilot by falling forward on to the centre console.

you are the skipper on a long haul back to the uk following a long delay overseas.

your flapping little alm informs you that some of your precious cargo are re-enacting the latest wwe wrestlefest. one of the chaps in green is bleeding and sore.

do you:

a. flap

b. get out of your grow bag and join in the fun.

c. flap, call for thunderbird 1 to rescue you and finish off with a long sundowner with the flapping little loadie.

d. flap until the situation is taken in hand by a army jnco and return to the secret little airbase in wiltshire to await subsequent board of enquiry.

e. flap and nosh off the loadie.

enjoy peeps

isitd





:yuk:

Isitd..............guess you must be a brown job then:yuk:

What the captain in question should have done is radioed ahead and had the aircraft met by the rozzers. Obviously those involved must have broken the sacred "toucan rule" which seems to be the only way of keeping you dull f@ck pongoes from punching the sh@t out of each other, beating women with shovels or shooting each other!

I find it amazing that I have managed to travel half way round the world, get wan@ered in some of the most fantastic places on the planet and never had the urge to finish the night off by attempting to beat the crap out of someone:ok: Maybe the RAF was the right job for me as it would appear I would certainly not fit in with you lot...........thank the lord:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

ahh, always broken,

hook line and ........

i too have been around the world (arent we lucky chaps!!) and managed to get lashed and never to had the urge to do as you said.

i believe the individual concerned was easily provoked (a bit like your fine self!) and the whole sorry incident is regrettable but now history.

what is the time duration between alcohol and brakes off nowadays?

and as u well know , brown is best!

enjoy.

ps

and still not shovelled anyone to death, leave that to the RGJ!


:ok:

100 yards? Or was that something else?

gainsey - ooops more toilet duck required!

abiw,

then why didnt the said capt do just that?

lead, follow or get out of the f**cking way!

ISITD
"God is Airborne"
Saw that on a Royal Marines' sweatshirt.




On the back it reads: "Cos he failed the Commando course".
:cool:

ABIW

Ah, good to see that inter service rivalry is still at its worst! I thought you were above all that low life gutter banter.
Now....Pongo is a rather derogotary term and so is brown job. Last time I checked EO training was a Tri service concern and one has surely opened one's self up for a can of litigous whoop ass!

The Army trains to fight all day and then come 1700hrs is expected to switch into Mr Nice Civil bloke mode. Somewhat hard to do when bayonetting the hell out of straw filled sacks all day.
The reason the RAF choose not scrap is that their day is taken up with drinking Pimms and Gordon's Gin followed by reading the Guardian and eating pies. Therefore the 1700hr hooter poses no problem to the Civil Raf type as he has barely raised a finger all day let alone an ounce of testosterone. Horses for courses. Real men join the Army to fight. Nonses join the RAF to stay away from the FLOT. Let the scrap begin...........

All true Grim . . . . . . . .

And the fact it winds everyone else up makes it all the sweeter ;)

Dear Grim and the other twit:p

"Real men join the Army to fight. Nonses join the RAF to stay away from the FLOT. Let the scrap begin..........."

Should'nt this read "Those incapable of achieving any sort of academic success, failures within the educational system and the common or garden thug/misfit join the army to "fite and live in
sh!te", normally as a last resort because the other 2 services, as well as most of society have said NO:ok:

Whilst those whose atributes are the complete opposite of your average soldier join the more technically and educationally demanding life of the modern day RAF and Navy. They do so primarily for the challenges it brings as well as the added fact that we are treated in a most civilised fashion, hence the pims and complete lack of any need for boxing skills.

Not much of a scrap fella as having worked very closely with the army during my rotary days, trust me you can keep it..........but only till your 40:ok:

46 this year and 9 happy well paid years to go...........i luv my job:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

gainsey old chap,

god wouldn't have the sense to even attempt the commando cse as he well knows the maroon machine is a truly male environment and you fish 'eds (please spell check this for me abiw as i have no academic skills) allow the female to attempt and pass your glorious cse (all be it after 3 attempts). god bless pip and all who sail in her!

anyway, he bottled it on the ballon jump. HAT!!

abiw,

touched a nerve old man?

any piece of paper which our cousins in the raf have isnt worth much in the school of life is it?

hee hee......once a crab always a crab!

oooh, do you think blues my colour?

enjoy boys and bring it on.

lead, follow or get out of the f**cking way!


:yuk: :ok:

ISITD

Thanks Pongo for what you have just done! Practically everything ABIW prints I diasagree with but you have made us allies through your own stupid diatribe (if you don't know that word look it up or ask a crab!). Surely you would be better making your comments on AARSE where the rest of the brown jobs exist. Just to make you jealous I am a MOVER and have been front-line on the FEBA for real with JHSU (e.g. Kosovo and with the rest of the RLC )rubber wheels - no box kickers) went forward on D plus minutes and had to behave like an infantryman. Not my scene but I've done it for real - I suspect that's wher your frustrations lie? You dream the dream but lack practicality. All my love from a Muppet supporter.