Best and worst orders I have known
 

Go on then, let’s hear them. Verbal or written. Humorous or infuriating. From flying order books or heat-of-the-moment one-liners.

Ops Briefing by the Special Agent in Charge of my Office in Subic Bay the Philippines

"Special Agent Sasless is tasked to perform an Undercover Drug Operation, posing as an drunken Enlisted Seaman on shore leave, and shall conduct a surveillance inside Marilyn's II Bar and Massage Parlor in Lower Kalaklan, Olongapo RP.

Such places were known by WestPac Sailors as" Steam Job and Blow Bath Parlors".

I was tasked to confirm reports of illicit drug dealing inside the establishment and to attempt to purchase illegal drugs and identify the seller and attempt to make further purchases in larger quantities as possible.

S/A Sasless, for the record protested he did not have any desire to perform that assignment.

The S/A In Charge said....."You shall do as you have been told!".

S/A Sasless, bowed his head in surrender and proceeded to do his Duty for God and Country.

Lordy....if the US Taxpayers knew what their money was spent on!

As that covert operation involved special techniques and procedures....I am not allowed to provide any details of what those were.

I am not making this up......it was a hard task...but I did my best to rise to the occasion and after a week....we conducted a drug raid and scored a few ounces of Pot.

The sacrifices one makes for his Country.

SASLess you are Agent Gibbs and I claim my $5 :eek:

Mark Harmon plays me.....but he is not nearly as handsome!:ok:

'Draught Guiness" (one of the series late 50s, early 60s, early, possibly first, 38 Group) - Bev formation line astern, 15 seconds separation.
Scatter plan ... Lead turn port 180, No. 2 turn starboard 180 ...etc., etc.
Scatter was called and the flat cloud top was populated by steeply climbing Bevs on random headings !
The subsequent r t b was based on B & Q principles !! :ugh:

Best, (Nav training via a place in France noted for it's gastronomy and wines, on a beautiful blue-sky morning),"Bloggs, I want you to find their comcen and send a signal to (home base) saying we're grounded due weather and won't be back today".

I did.


Worst. "Boss, you warned us we're likely to get ramp checked there. If they do they'll pull my licence!"
"I'll take full responsibility if that happens. Now GO!"
"Boss, it's my licence on the line, not yours".
"Just go, or..."

I didn't.

Best order... Stack
Worst order... a mushroom bajhi side, from the Mumtaz in Peterborough

Best order: summer of 1976 at Boscombe where we were flying a Gazelle rad alt evaluation trial:

"Surely you can find the right sort of hot dry sand in this country this year. Paying Guest, I want you to take your aircraft and see if you can find some. If in a month's time you haven't been able to, I'll sign this authorisation for you to take the team to Marignane"......

I can recall a very succinct "Get Out" ... does that count?

9th May 1982,

“Red leader, from Command - engage!”

I did.

Mog

Best order - Dagenham here is a chit go and get ten crates of tiger from the naafi. That should last a couple of days in the longhouse

worst order - Dagenham leave them on the floor they will be fine while we find river squadron

thank god for Chinese jungle stores

"Jump in that Lynx and whizz it up over to the training area. We're short of anyone to go with you right now, but as you're just back from conversion you'll know how to handle anything that might go wrong." 0.2 Solo Lynx, verbal auth from CO.

Best order: LCdr BPF is appointed in command of HMCS...

Worst order: A phone call from some HQ staff weinie.

Him : You are to inform Leading Seaman Bloggins that he will not be receiving his Queens Jubilee medal as was promulgated in the last message and is not to wear the ribbon.

Me: What on earth is going on !

Him: A mistake was made and not enough medals were ordered so the list of recipients has been revised. Your LS didn't make the cut on the new list

Me: But he has already been informed that he will be receiving the medal !

Him. You have your orders...

RAF Germany GASOS, “ Jaguars are not to be referred to as Pussey Cats on the radio “

Another old one
 

"Please, note that. following several complaints, in future, ;Pongoes will be referrred to as Army Officers".........

From our Air Cdre at MoD/NATS on a Friday morning tour of the offices ...

"To the Opera Tavern at lunchtime ... bring your briefcases".

One mate stayed behind to buy some kit from underspend, but turned up later.

Fort Rucker, Alabama, home of Army Aviation.... Chinook Conversion Course....Four days of Mountain training in the hills of Alabama at Fort McClellan home to the Army Chemical Corps and Women's Army Corps (WAC) Training Center.

Married Guys hated it....and worked a deal with the Conversion Course Commander....the married Instructors would swap Students with the Single Instructors and no longer have to leave their conjugal beds.

Getting ordered to perform Mountain Training was really Good news.

The bad news was getting a month of mountain training as the pace of life while on detachment could become a health issue if you weakened.

Fort Rucker had about 20,000 Young Men.....and Fort McClellan had abut 7,000 young Women.....even a blind Hog could find an Acorn at Fort Mac!

Paying Guest..XX434...Pizzas,rosay,and lo-level along the `fried-egg` beaches....

The Portuguese were making a Jag model for the Sqn but hadn’t got any paint, Grolsch bottles were settled on to put it in, one of the guys was given the keys and ordered to go get a number of bottles from the beer store. Naturally they were all full so he had to….eeerrm empty them, several minutes later he returned with a twinkle in his eye, suitably refreshed and sporting half a dozen empties..

On a mizzuble wet low-cloud Friday, the Flight Commander declared a Flight Safety Meeting to be held at a pub in the Perth suburbs. We attended in civvies, and found, to our profound surprise, that there were ladies there who would dance and their clothes would fall off. This meeting was declared a massive success, and became a fixture if the weather looked a bit doubtful on Fridays.

Some months later, the local council declared that such ladies could not do this dance because little kiddies might look into the bar and see things that would affect them for life - "strip shows are banned." Hmmm, thinks the proprietor, and changes the dance so that the ladies come out naked and slowly put their clothes on.

RAF Stanbridge circa 1989 - junior officer rewriting Station Standing Orders.

....... female personnel in custody are to follow the same routine as male personnel, except that they need not shave.

(sometime later, said JO had to be rescued after wandering into a minefield in the Falklands)

Old Duffer

Brief for solo on chipmunk…ok serf, just find a hole in the cloud and climb to 5,000 for your solo aeros.

Marly, take that Puma to Denmark, do all the tasking the Yaeger Corps has for you and don’t come back for a week.

Sycamore - you've got it! A blissful summer as I recall!

At that dining in night, from the PMC: Gentlemen, catch that pig.

beardy, surely you mean the 'pink rabbit'??

Hilarious that Ba$tard Bill tried to stop the story getting out!!

Possibly my worst ... my Desk officer telling me I'm going to be posted to Lossie just as the OH was posted to Bracknell. 450 nm as the crow flies? The conversation was less than friendly, with me assuring him that my PVR could hit the system faster than his posting instruction!

Happily, an ATC contributor here picked up acting rank and took the job, and I remained South and collocated! Thanks again, Hugh!

Salute!

I shall try to keep this short, but was about worst orders I ever got.

So we had quit the N. Viet thing early 73 and our POW's were coming home, many of my friends. But HHQ decided to bomb Khmer commies and our unit flew from Korat and hit "enemy" covoys that carried ammo to use against "friendly" forces. We didn't have U.S. ground units there officially and I wasn't sure about who was in charge of the "country". Nevertheless, we had our orders,

So on patrol our tactical control tells us to contact so-an-so FAC, which we did. I was flight lead that day. There was a small convoy moving ammo along a no nothing road and we were gonna destroy it. OK. Get our briefing from the FAC and then he tells us the bad guys are booking to a close grove of trees we could easily see. He then says that civilian labor was chained to the carts and wagons and such, but the enemy had booked to the grove of trees.

He tells HQ the situation and they say to hit the convoy. He repeats that the bad guys are in the trees about 200 meters or so from the road, and there are only innocent folks tied to the carts and wagons. HHQ says "no matter, hit the convory vehicles". The ROE dictated we couldn't hit further than "x" meters of a road. FAC says, "but, but, but....then tells Blue Chip he is marking the target for us with his willie pete.

About 15 seconds later a puff of smoke rises from the grove of trees where the enemy had hunkered down. "Hit the smoke". Heh heh heh. Guess we were following orders, and our SLUF's dropped about 16 Mk-82's on that grove,leaving only splinters.

Question is? Did we follow orders?

Gums sends...

Ordered to land at the beginning of my night flying currency training.
OC OPS “We’re trying to minimise noise complaints- why were you flying at 9pm?”
ME “Night Flying requirements”
OC OPS “Does that have to be flown at night?”

Gums,

You followed orders to the letter....doctrine said you hit the marked target and no inniocents got hurt.

One of my "Bad Orders" received was an occasion I was told to turn my Door Gunners loose on anyone outside the perimeter of a hilltop radio relay site.

I confirmed the Order by obtaining the Initials of the Officer issuing the Order.

We flew circles around the perimeter working our way down the mountain with each revolution....and the only people we saw were Buddhist Monks in their Robes and a Pagoda type building with a wooden water line running to it.

I reported that to the TOC that was issuing the Orders....and they repeated that it was an official Free Fire Zone and that there had been some Recon Troops surveilling the Hilltop Defensive Positions that morning,

They confirmed the "Light Them Up Order" and I acknowledged that.....and we fired up a few thousand rounds of 7.62 on a rather large Boulder about Five Hundred Meters down the mountain from the Pagoda.

My Gunners got to shoot....throw smoke grenades....and generally have a good time.

I reported I could not confirm any Enemy Casualties....the TOC was happy....I was happy...the Crew were happy....and the military aged male indigenous persons wearing the Robes were happy.

The Gunner got the dirty end of the stick....he had to clean three M-60's....as we had a Ramp Gun that day plus the standard side door guns.

Harrier forward det to Tromso, Norway way up above the Arctic circle, Feb 1986. Snow blizzards. Harriers back home waiting for a decent forecast before setting off.

Det cdr to me: get out there and put out the dayglo markers for the vertical landing pad.
Me: But it's a raging blizzaed out there. We'll lose the markers before the jets get here.
Him: Me sqn ldr, you fg off. Do it.

So out I went into the blizzard, doing my best Titus Oates impression, in a temperature of -30C (with wind chill) and laid out the markers. Half an hour after completing my task, the jets cancelled and we all traipsed off into town on the pop. Next morning, same again - almost.

Him; Put the markers out.
Me: I already did, yesterday.
Him: I can't see them.
Me: Neither can I. I think they're buried under the snow.
Him: Go and dig them out.

So I went out with a shovel, and after a lot of guessing and digging I managed to retrieve the markers, all bar one set, which I didn't find until the snow melted over a fortnight later.

You know what they say: if you can't take a joke......

Pilot.
Set up the OP over there..
But Sir, it really needs to be out there, you can't see anything from there.
I know what I am talking about, I have a degree in Geography! ( I kid you not )

Following day and visit from senior Rock Ape.
Which firking idiot set up the OP over there, it needs to be out over there...
All fingers point and our geography genius slinks away.

Gutersloh SRO c. 1970 [rather a long and rambling and complicated one.

"The personnel to whom these orders apply are to blah blah blah ......"

Thus a large number of personnel [including we civvies] spent an earnest 10 minutes trying to see if we were affected, to no avail.

The official follow-up was succinct and grumpy, and clearly a bollocking had been administered.

And it turned out to have nothing to do with we Met. folk.
anyway.

The other was priceless and surely deliberate: the temporary telephone directory for Finningley B o B included an officer "i/c Temporary Erections"

"Splice the Mainbrace" was always well received.

Badly worded Orders … Officers Mess Rules …
”members are not to entertain members of the opposite sex in single quarters unless a separate sitting room is provided” …
Yay, I have a separate sitting room. Nothing specifies WHICH room shall be used for ‘entertaining’.

During a Taceval at RAF Scampton "Attention, attention! There will be a briefing for all crews in the Main Briefing Room at 10:00 hours".

The Ground Defence Commander, being a bit brighter, realised that this would be a very tempting target for the intruders who had been expected to infiltrate the station. A Word was obviously said, because a further tannoy message followed....

"Attention, attention. Ignore the last message; the briefing will now be 10 minutes later!"

Heard over the 1MC (All Compartments Intercom system) aboard an American Gray Funnel Line Ship....

"All Hands, All Hands...Hear this! Give the Ship a clean sweep, fore and aft, collect all rubbish and deposit it in the **** Cans provided!".

About one minute later heard over the 1MC...."Hear this, hear this! Belay my last about the **** Cans!".

I happened to be sitting in the XO's Stateroom enjoying a Cup of Coffee when that happened.

He was not amused.


That was an interesting cruise from the Philippines to Hong Kong as I was conducting an Undercover Drug Interdiction Operation that had started in the Philippines and led us to some crew members running a lucrative side business.

Bruggen standing orders.

Alcohol is permitted in the blocks only for immediate consumption

Define immediate consumption,
I watched one guy in our block consume over half a crate of Grolsh when challenged, it took him a while and he was well and truly pissed by the end of it, but consume it he did.

Hardly high nor low. However Lurked for understudy OOD at Osprey for 3 weeks after a rather unfortunate incident with a smoke grenade.
However, there was one high point. Called with the duty DLC ( an SD survo whose survival lectures were legend) to attend a food fight in the junior rates mess. As one OD was lobbing a banana into the fray, “you, stop that. Do you think that stuff grows on trees !”

Non-military but a classic:

Our famously irate deputy head was supervising main hall being turned into a boxing arena, with VI th form providing labour [it beat
double maths].

"STOP!. There are lots of chairs there that weren't there when I put them there!"

Thank God his sense of humour survived the laughter. [He was the official wielder of the cane: rumoured to be chalked so that all six landed in same small area]