Parachute freefall course, my first 60 sec delay using a BOC (Bottom of Container) mounted pilot drogue (Which you cannot see when in freefall).

Instructor: OK bloggs, just before you reach your deployment altitude, left arm above your head and with your right hand reach down beside your right arse cheek, find the handle, grip it and with one smooth motion extract and throw it out to the side and return to the stable position.

Me: What if I reach down and accidentally miss the handle ?

Instructor (deadpan) Do you often go to wipe your arse and accidentally miss it ?

Much sniggering from the lads behind me.

A few from my past:

Don't say 'Ooops' say 'Spoiler'. VC10 stuff.

He stalked the runway using all available cover. (flapless in a Hawk)

I had similar to that:

XXX sneaked up on the runway using all available cover and then, catching it by surprise, leapt out to grab it unawares when it wasn't looking.

Was that flap from the same JP hanging on L-O-O 3 Sqn Students' Crew Room wall? :rolleyes:

JP QFI after IF sortie: "Well, young ShyTorque, it was much smoother today!"

S: "Why, thankyou, sir!"

QFI: "Not you, you **** - I meant the weather!"

The late lamented (and extremely brave for not taking control from Bas) Roger Forbes-Harris in the debrief: "And why did you do that on finals?"
Don't ask, just imagine a combination of stupidity and misunderstanding.

...this is priceless.
A Duchess holding a tramp's cock :}

All this talk of Saudi princes pretending not to have crashed made me look it up. I'm assuming it was this one:

ASN Aircraft accident 15-AUG-1960 Percival Provost T1 XF614

But then it was also hard to ignore this one:

ASN Aircraft accident 05-JAN-1960 Percival Provost T1 WV537

A tale was doing the rounds a few years ago about a helicopter accident involving a foreign student:

It seems he was flying his Gazelle on a navex, when he was caught short, so landed in a field. Unfortunately he pranged the helicopter and rushed off to complete his urgent business behind a hedge.

A QHI flying in the same area spotted the downed helicopter and decided to land to check whether the pilot is OK. After landing, he couldn't find the pilot so set off to look for him.

Meanwhile the student finished what was doing, hopped back over the hedge, jumped into the serviceable Gazelle and took off - much to the chagrin of the QHI who returned to find that he was now left with the remains of the other one.

Was this really true - or a fable?

Well if it isn't true it bloody well ought to be... :)

No, no - it was an army pilot who landed on a small pinnacle then went forwards into the jungle to take a comfort break. He left the aircraft running, it fell backwards off the pinnacle. Another pilot saw it happen, landed on the pinnacle, left it running, first pilot comes back unawares and takes the second aircraft...... Etc. Was it a Sioux, or a Scout, or both?

Not to forget the RAF Puma pilot in Norway who got whiteout on landing and damaged the landing gear. A Gazelle landed to assist, got whiteout, crashed and trashed it. Second Gazelle arrives, same thing happened. Puma has to get airborne to take everyone home!

The last one was true.

Also a Gazelle landed in an icy, snow covered car park, shut down, slid downhill into snow bank. Second Gazelle landed, slid slap into the back of the first one.

I can't remember if the above incidents were the same, I think not.

An RAF colleague of mine set off in a Puma for a task. He returned a few minutes later, complained bitterly to the ground crew chief that the aircraft was u/s. He was allocated a second aircraft and the "lineys" were sent into the hangar to tow it out. He signed for the new aircraft but before it was towed out he went back out to the first one and took off in it again! Best thing was, the crewman was still in the first Puma, he thought they were OK to take it after all! My colleague thought he had swapped all the kit over to the new one.

#52

I don't remember the first one but as you say the second was true.

And the student on our solo night flying phase who (allegedly) was allocated and signed for JP 'A', ventured out into the darkness and got into 'B', and on completing his sortie came back into the line office to sign off 'C' as u/s.

I was the crewman who took everyone home!:ok: Imagine how careful we were on that approach!

CG

My instructor on 705 NAS was Dave "Malarky Jim" Mallock, one of a very few A1 instructors at the time.

Favourite saying (helicopter drivers will appreciate) was 'go the way you're pointing, and point the way you're going'.

Later I managed my first Deck Landing with Mike Lehan. In the debrief the opening was along the lines of 'when you get front line that's an excellent approach and landing. As you're a stude, that's a fail'.

Dear reader, I was that clueless stude...

One of my early trips on the TWU course at Chiv, thumb in bum, mind in neutral, taxying out too close to the aircraft ahead.


Voice from the back seat (clearly trying to get idiot Bloggs to use the gunsight to work out the range): "So, Bloggs, what's the minimum spacing on taxy?"
Me: "Hundredandfiftyyards." (Chest swelling at my own cleverness)
Voice: "So how do you judge 150 yards, Bloggs?"
Me (without thinking): "Ooh, it's about a well-struck 7 iron."
Cue a string of deleted expletives from the back seat.

It is said that a Gnat student managed to get lost at night....

....whilst taxying at Valley. For those who've never flown it, you sit so close to the ground in a Gnat that you cannot see very far. This chap turned onto some piece of tarmac which proved itself not to be the taxiway when grass appeared dead ahead. So he shut down, which meant no radio. Or lights. He then got out and made his way to the tower...

"Where did you leave it?"
"Errmm - don't know. On some bit of tarmac on the airfield!"

As it was very dark, they couldn't run the risk of someone running into the abandoned Gnat, so people were diverted until dawn revealed wherever it was that our hero had left it.

SHY -Ii believe the first of your incidents happened on Troodos mountain in Cyprus to a pair of Sioux. The Gazelle one on the icy, sloping car park is true. The second pilot was the flight commander who had set off when he heard about the incident to bollock the first pilot!

More of a 'I Learnt About Flying From That' was the Wessex pilot who parked his aircraft on a sloping parade square and hung his helmet by its strap from the rotor brake handle in the cockpit roof. Went off for a brew. The brake lever disengaged itself from its clip, helmet dropped and flicked the parking brake lever to off. With no chocks, the Wessex trundled down the square and trashed its tail rotor on the wall at the bottom.