I have been told that shortly after the introduction of "'allo, 'allo" to BBC television, the French ATC services wrote to London asking why British pilots had started checking in with the phrase "Good Moaning".

Sea Prince on short finals to Culdrose many many moons ago, pilot with a very bad stutter.

549 FFFFF..FFFinals......THTHTHTH..THree GRGRGR.......Fcuk it, going around.

Shortly after the introduction of the NATO phonetic alphabet a WWII trained copilot.
Don't know how much of the 2nd attempt was transmitted as I only heard it on the intercom.

Luqa, Rafair Foxtrot Romeo sss sss

Luqa, Rafair Foxtrot Romeo...... what the f... is S

3rd attempt successful.

“Anonymous Keying of the Mic” Tales Old and New
 

Dominator.
Thanks. I got it. I was merely pointing out that it had now changed. I thought I made it reasonably clear in my first post but apparently not!
BV

This thread would not be complete without some of the hoary oldies, I'll start the ball rolling:-

Female fighter controller "L19, be advised you're entering my dark area"
L19 "I'll be careful"

"L19, you've got a bogey on your nose"
"Hang on, I'll just wipe it off"

F3 pulls up alongside VC10 post tanking. Nav places an open copy of Razzle on the canopy, "Tartan 41, can you see a crack in my windscreen?"

Unphased VC10 pilot, "No, but I can see a cnut in the cockpit..."

for "dark area" I heard "fringe zone"

Capa Del Frasca weapons range on Sardinia. The Range Control Tower was in a slightly unusual location that, on occasion, led to the odd wayward practise bomb getting a bit close

The story occur's some time ago, SOP's may subsequently have changed. Also these are not the only SOP's, others may now be available .....

A 4 ship starts up for a jaunt to the range, we'll call them London. 1 jet, say London 3, has a snag so is dlelayed.

The remaining 3 pitch up at the range and begin their weaponry practise. They let range control know the remaining jet may pitch up later. After a while 1 of them drops a practise bomb a touch closer to range control than was desirable so range control send him home.

"London 2, you a bomba me, you go home now"

Tail between his legs London 2 departs on his way home. Then, showing commendable SA, he realises London 3 has still not turned up. So having gone a respectable distance he turns around and calls for join as "London 3" only to hear the response

"It's a no good, I recognisa your voice, you try to bomba me, you still go home"



My apologies to any Italian friends for trying to represent an accent in words.

Same caveats as above

Our hero pitch's up at an American Naval Air Base leading some others

Having done a bit of research into American military aviation he has heard that a "pitch to the closed pattern" is the same as a run in and break.

So on contacting tower he asks for a "pitch to the closed pattern"

Tower ask him to repeat the request which he does but tower say they don't understand what he means. As the circuit is empty they clear him for "whatever manoeuvre it was he had in mind. A dangerous thing to say in itself.

Failing to take full advantage of ATC's offer our hero leads a low run in and break. On roll out ATC ask.

ATC "Sir, can you tell us what that manoeuvre is called in your Air Force"

Hero "it's known as a run in and break"

ATC "well you know what Sir, in the United States Navy, we call it the same thing"

It seems pitch to the closed pattern is an US Airforce thing. A little knowledge etc ...

Philippines FIR, back in the "good old days" there were some low level way-points which had slightly non-politically correct names. My favourite's were NIPIL and SEXEY.

FEDEX to Manila female controller.

"Manila... if we call you aaa.. SEXEY... can we proceed direct NIPIL?" :D

Very long silence during which there was a lot of sniggering on many flight decks. :8

Manila male controller eventually responds (obviously with a grin on his face)

"FEDEX.. your request is declined, continue flight plan route"

A year or so later, the local fun Police renamed all the way-points

No transcript, but another stuck Tx that went something like ...

"Manby J23 FL150 for QGH."
"J23 ... blah blah blah"
"Roger Manby, blah blah blah ... Oh Christ, its that stupid bitch R***** on Approach today, keep your eyes open ... "

Snap.

At school, PEd, ex-para, had two teams - one with a coloured ribbon in lieu of a shirt and one without - hot day. He then numbered us off:

One skin, two skin, three skin, four!

Somehow two aircraft end up nose to nose on the taxiway and female controller goes bananas, ranting and raving non stop. When finally she has to take a breath a querulous voice asks "Ma'am, wasn't I married to you at one time?"

Lufty inbound to LCY one November 5, not long ago.

'Lufthansa 123, Thames ve see many pyrotechnic discharges below us'

Thames radar 'Nothing to worry about, Lufthansa, local celebrations, Guy Fawkes night etc'

'Lufthansa 123, Ach gut. Ve sought zey ver shooting at us.........again'.

In the early 60s a very senior Pan Am captain got lost, taxying in at Frankfurt. ATC asked, somewhat sarcastically, PanAm 827 - are you not familiar with Frankfurt? Reply "Yes but last time I was here it was dark and I wasn't carrying passengers!"

[pedantry]If it was dark, he was RAF not USAAF[/pedantry] :ok:

Anyway, the original version had him as a BA pilot. "...and I didn't stop!" :}

Very recently in Juba between an increasingly overloaded Tower controller and an Australian caravan pilot on the landing rollout....

TWR: "xxxx expedite vacating runway, landing traffic"

Caravan: "roger"

Literally a couple of seconds later;

TWR: "xxxx I say again expedite vacating"

Caravan pilot (said with a nice twang) : "if I taxi any faster I'll take off again"

Who ever you are you gave us a good chuckle that day...:)

At the covert Oxonian aerodrome, it was normal to pass your 'Decision Height, Intentions and Further Intentions' when beacon outbound on an instrument approach - e.g. "Ascot ***, beacon outbound, decision 200 ft, roll for further ILS".

One day we were sharing the fun with one of the Jurassic Park mob (241 OCU AT instructors) in another jet. As he went outbound, he called "Beacon outbound, decision 200 ft"

To which ATC requested "What are your intentions and further?"

Which was a bit unfortunate, because the Jurassic Park QFI was a well-known monocular ex-Jag pilot, noted for his rather lengthy RT calls.... As expected, over the next half-minute, he proceeded to describe every event he intended to carry out for the next half-hour or so..."Well, after the ILS we'll roll and then a couple of visual circuits, followed by a SID Bravo to establish in the hold for a seat swap, then we'd like to route to the GST at FL40 for a couple of NDB holds...yack....yack....yack...."

This was too good to miss. As he finally shut up, a little devil prompted me to press the tit and call "Ascot ***, Brize Radar, say again please". And bless him, dear old Blunty promptly repeated his endless RT monologue in full, stopping just short of telling everyone what he was going to have for lunch. As he released the Tx key, there was an icy silence followed by "Thank you, Ascot ***, I think we got it that time......"

A few years ago, at an airfield not too far from Abu Dhabi, some RAF Typhoons are due to depart and head back to blighty.

One of the Typhoon mates is due to leave the service and decides that it's probably appropriate to depart with a performance take off.

Typh, "Tower, Typhoon 33 would like to depart with a performance take off to 10k before routing blah blah blah."

Female ATC (very soft and polite voice), "Erm... standby please Typhoon 33..."

A moment or two pass whereafter a rather harsh, and significantly less polite male voice takes over, "Typhoon 33, it's all very well requesting a 'performance take off' however, you're clearly not aware that we are operating very close to one of the busiest airports in the world and a random departure heading simply isnt good enough. State your requested departure heading..."

Typh, "vertical."

Queue much chuckling from the USAF chaps on freq.

Beags....
Monocular ex jag pilot rather narrows it down!! Ha Ha Ha.