For the house sharers amongst you....
1.Wait til matey boy goes to bed and gets zeds in.
1a. Ensure landing light is turned off.
2. Open his door and turn his light on, retire to your room.
3. Wait for matey to return the compliment and turn yours on, with some added comments re your ancestors.
4. Repeat 2.
5. Yup he'll probably do it again.
6. Repeat 2, but maybe leave it 30 mins or so to 'simmer'.
7. Ah look he's back again.
8. He's probably a bit fed up by now so do it again immediately, on your way past your lightswitch don't forget to cover area around switch with shaving foam or gel.
9. Receive lecture about how you could have electrocuted him.

I take no responsibility for anyone harmed in replicating this trick which should only be played by consenting idiots. I no, I woz wun.

Anyone else remember Albert Thirlkettle? He was a totally spurious junior pilot who the 72 sqn NI det commander never actually met.

Despite being dined in / out, having a locker, having complaints made against him, getting put on a charge, booking leave passes which said det cdr signed, etc, etc.

Albert will surely be coming up for retirement soon.

In the Falklands in 99 and we were scrambled to a comp a naval boat type thing. As usual down there it was a cake and @rse organised by the JOC.

Anyway I wrote a spoof Form R slagging the JOC, The Navy and a few personalities on the station. Finally added a few comments about dolphin spotting whilst on the job. Printed it out and signed the signal pad as sent. Faxed off the real one and left the spoof in front of sqn boss and flight commander. Both of whom wanted a quiet life.

After a few red faced angry threats and screaming at me by the boss asking whether I wanted a career any longer I finally cracked. But it was worth it to see the look on his face.

New lad advised on first day ,beware Mad Jack,he's in later.On Mad Jacks arrival,individual bound, Mad Jack (with much theatrics)decides it will be a good idea to "gently" run over him in a rover.Nervous laughter now subsiding.Held down,placed in close proximity to the front wheel ,just before bag pulled over head,spare wheel (with roaring engine accompaniment)rolled 'firmly' into the prone form.Oh those good old days !!!.

Officers' Mess Visitors Book at Valley is proudly displayed in a glass case with the signature of 'Stavros' on display. Next day, PMC rings up one of the Gnat sqn bosses. "What the f*ck do your bl**dy studnts think they're doing. HRH's signature has been defaced; the book now says 'Best wishes to all my mates on ** course, Phil the Greek' " Sqn Cdr sends for Flt Cdr, Flt Cdr sends for senior student. "PMC is hopping mad - GO AND GET IT SORTED!!". Senior student and rest of course duly troop off to Mess to be met by apoplectic PMC. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS??!!" he says.

Whereupon the scruffiest student of the lot says "No snag, Boss", opens the case, rips out the page and throws it in the bin. PMC is now in danger of making low earth orbit....until it is pointed out that the offending page was a carefully inserted photocopy and the real one is still there, unsullied as ever!! A few extra SDOs all round - but worth it!!


[This message has been edited by BEagle (edited 15 March 2001).]

Situation: In bar with young, gobby, lager-drinking, been-there-and-done-it-all.
Solution: When said tool has gone to bog, top up his lager. Upon his return, observe with quiet satisfaction.

Hey, its only lager. What's the diff?

Or:

Capt on det in nice hotel. Swap nice 'Capts room' with co, nav or some steward's small room. Call hotel manager and complain about being in shi**y room and get even better one.

Chilli oil in the lip salve OR even better on the toilet roll,but if its someone you know & love have some liquid oxygen available to cool their ire !.Cam cream on the inside of the S10 eyepieces is fairly amusing.

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A wise man thinks all that he says,a fool says all that he thinks.

[This message has been edited by ragspanner (edited 15 March 2001).]

Some where in England. Monday morning. 8/8 StCu base 00ft, raining.
AC Bloggs pitches up for first day in ATC, to be met by friendly Sgt, who blasts him for being late as the flying prog can't start as he is the duty wind sock. Sgt instructs bloggs to go to SCAFF for kitting out. Bloggs sent to SCAFF where explains he is the duty windsock, got an angry Sgt on his back, and can he be issued with the correct kit please? Issued with one windsock, Day glow water proofs, S10 (to protect against jet eflux honest!). He is then told to report to the Met Office for training.
Met my SMetO, who instructs now bemused Bloggs on opperation of windsock. Hold in right hand, face runway and wave wind sock at passing aircraft.
Even more bemused Bloggs then told to report to MT to book out the duty wind sock bicycle so he can cycle to the threshold of the active runway.
MT are waiting for him with a rather old BSA bike covered in day glow patches.
Bloggs made to sign in triplicate for bike and read the special duty MT orders, before being issued with a FM600A for bicycles.
Bloggs then dispatched into the murk to find the duty wind sock area.

SATCO had a major sense of humour failure when the rain & vis clears to see Bloggs standing by the threshold of the runway, waving a windsock around.

Invertations to a hats on meeting that afternoon!
:)

Senior Pongo goes for a jolly on one of HM's finest Plastic Pursuit Ships (can't remember where) with rather tense and serious Major PSO in tow.

As soon as a/c settled into cruise, crewman goes to the back of the cabin, gets a can of beer and takes it to the pilot. 5 mins later, empty beer can comes flying back into the cabin.
Crewman gets another can and gives it to the pilot. 5 mins later, empty can comes back.
Crewman gets 3rd can and takes it upfront. Pilot takes out Autopilot, so a/c is now wallowing nicely around the sky. Sure enough, 5 mins later, back comes another empty can.
Crewman goes to get yet another can, turns round only to be forcibly restrained by said (now rather irate) Major who has unstrapped, got up, and is frantically shouting "FOR GODS SAKE MAN, HE IS NOT TO HAVE ANY MORE BEER!".
Turns round to find Senior Pongo and rest of party nearly dying of laughter.
Creeps red-faced back to seat...

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PCD

A variation on a previous post....
Scene: Dunnunda in 1989.Airline strike on, RAAF is called into service to move paying civilian pax around. After a few weeks, start looking for ways to jolly up the milk runs. Decide in order to increase pax carrying capacity, flight deck seats on Fat Albert will be opened up for use. Purely by coincidence, in most cases the occupants turn out to be the best looking girls on the aircraft. Much fun had by rigging an "autopilot" by attaching a pink Marigold style washing up glove to the oxy hose and inflating with a quick burst of "test mask".
Attach to control column with instant airframe tape. Tell bint that said autopilot is voice activated and invite her to try it. First attempt at "turn left" in a quavering voice produces no effect. She is told that to prevent random cockpit conversation setting it off, it must be addressed as "Mr Hercules". Quite humorous seeing young lass driving aircraft around the sky - "Turn right Mr Hercules!". Co pilot has left hand casually resting on roll knob. Watch mouth drop open as Mr Hercules rolls into a big bank to starboard.....
There are many others, but space precludes their inclusion!

Swing

You have the whole of the WWW to use

Do tell :)

This one has always amused me - I guess I'm about to find out if it falls into the category of 'urban myth', or not....


....so, it's a dining-in at a Norfolk base shared by 2 young swinging-winging squadrons and some older, wiser, flying gas station mates. After the speeches and the usual blah, the PMC says "Gentlemen, you may smoke", which is the cue for the older, wiser guys to reach under their wing of the tables, pull out a couple of large, F-off axes, and start to lay waste to their tables. After silence and the initial shock, the young swingers realise that cred is firmly on the line. "I say old chap", one FJ mate says, "mind if I borrow your axe?" "Why of course", is the reply, and you guessed it, in a blitz that would have wasted a dam or 2, tables on that wing are wasted.

This of course leaves the 3rd sqn in a rather delicate position, but, you guessed it again, high jinks win the day and faster than Hannibal can shift jumbos, more firewood is produced. All is calm. The CO doesn't say much, but everyone knows the rules - you can have as much fun as you likes, but pays you will! Therefore, although a great night was had by all, the word gets out the the CO wants to see the Ents Member from each of the 3 sqns on Monday, early doors.

Monday comes, and 3, sheepish looking, 'part-time' lumberjacks are ushered into the CO's office. "Right, says 'Arry", and drones on about wanton vandalisism, etc, abuse of Mess property, etc, knowing the limits, etc, and sums up, "...and I expect the 2 sqns to pay". This perks up 2 of the reps, "Did you say, "2 sqns" Sir?", "Yes I did", was the reply, "Tanker mate, thanks for a fun night, but don't go so far next time - be one your way!"

The 2 FJ geezers are gobsmacked, and at once blurt out, "With respect Sir, the Tankers started it, my Boss will not be happy!" Harry holds his hand up and stops them in mid-flow. "The older, wiser ones", he says, "saw 2 bargains in the antique fair, in the shape of 2 large tables, going for a song....you lot, however....."

I love the story - can anyone confirm , or deny, or tell me to.....

.....me coat!

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....wasn't there, no one saw me!

1985, YUAS, first UAS to have a girlie intake (since the War). All the new intake were told that the high G-forces endured during aeros would cause the nether regions to leak. The blokes were told to go immediately to the Med centre to be measured up for, fitted and issued with their own "Paul's tubing" (open ended latex tubing), the idea being to ie a knot in the end and "fit it" prior to each trip. We even modified the outbrief to include mention of anti leak devices (I'll come to the girls' in a moment). The guys were informed that the only effective way to fit the tubing was to slope off to the bogs prior to walking for the ac, induce a hard-on and roll on the tubing. Obviously most blokes clicked straight away but one in particular was still in the habit A YEAR LATER of spending 5mins on the lav just before a sortie, and it wasn't even in the outbrief. He's been a QFI and a single seat FJ mate since but is still in so I won't tell you what he's up to now, but for those in the know the list is down now to only 3 blokes.
Right, the birds...
They were told to wear a cricket box stuffed with tissue. This would have the added advantage of preventing painful intrusion by and abrasion from the crotch stap on the seat harness whilst under G. The whole game as far as tha birds were concerned was blown when one of the instuctors leaned across during a S & L package and said.....
you guessed it...
"Nice box !"
(Herc mate, still in, top bloke, say no more)

Stuck in Halifax bout 10 years back with a broken albert. Navigator and co-pilot are two gents of generous proportions , and they could always be found eating chicken wings , or other Canadian delicacies.. the young Engineer ( me ) passed a comment on their eating habits , and considerable waistlines .. to be rebuffed with .." I can eat as much as I like ,, I never gain weight ." from the Nav.
As I left the bar with my screen Engineer, we spotted a sign in the shop across the street..
" Tailors shop..discount on all alterations "
We got a taxi to the airport, nicked Navs flying suit and got the tailor to take the waist in by 4" and a bit off the arms.
Three days later we where in hysterics watching the navigator struggle into his green bag. we ran the conditioning cold to keep him in it across the pond. The route checking eng. couldnt sit on the bunk as he was crying with laughter ,and would have given the game away.
The nav? he said nothing, so we didnt inform him of the prank till he left the Sqn. some 3 years later.

We had been stuck in the instructors crewroom for 3 days at Wallop due to bad weather and the jokes were getting desperate!We'd covered just about every topic and ended up on 'cruelies'. There were some horrendous jokes about every disability you could think of, and then, during a lull, I noticed that a cadre AAC Staff Sgt had not been joining in. He then started in on us, asking if we had quite finished, and had we ever had to live with a disabled person. He took us apart, telling us that his brother was born without arms and legs and what a struggle it had been for his family. We suffered under his withering scorn for some 30 minutes. He finished us off by telling us that his brother was holding down a good job and that he was worth 10 of any of us. After a long, painful pause I asked him what his brother did. Grinning broadly he replied, " He's a paper-weight in an office"!! Ah, happy days!

[This message has been edited by exrotarybooty (edited 18 March 2001).]

One wet & gloomy day at Culdrose, junior subbie detailed to repaint the roller type green chalkboard with overlay for c/s, crew and daily taskings for briefings.

After watching him until mid afternoon, job complete and he offs home early. Rest of briefing room layabouts rotate the chalkboard to hide new overlay at the back, then paint the exposed board black.

Shareholders next morning were a sight to behold, with one v. upset subbie, and one squadron full of aircrew trying to find an polite way to explain to him that it was Splot's fault, it had to be rpainted because he didn't like the colour :)

We relented by standeasy, and turned the board around to show subbie his untouched efforts. Took a while to regain his sense of humour, though.

I know of an OCU student on big aircraft who was doing the take off calcs with the flt eng and was sent off to ask the Chief to check the tyre pressures in order to calculate the aquaplaning speed of the day!

Also, an obnoxious capt (yes, there are some) who dumped his bags at the bottom of the ac steps and ordered one of the crew to keep an eye on them. 20 mins after t/o, as the ac passed through a reasonable alt, the crewman reports "Capt, just losing sight of your bags now."

And, big exercise, heavy on realism with the emphasis on thinking on your feet. American 'Enemy ac' joins on wrong frequency with no auth and wants a task. As no one answers, Brit crew with american exchange pilot (and therefore accent) takes opportunity to tell joiner that his task was cancelled and is to RTB.
Spoofing subsequently outlawed.

3 ship Albert formation readying to depart from a scottish golfing stn, to do a figure of nine sortie; LL through the cairngorms, back over Leuchars, climb to med lvl for SKE down south. Stroppy capt of the No2 places his bags on the pan by the para door & assumes (oh the fool!) that someone will load them for him. After the LL phase, the lead ac positions to make sure that the No2 goes straight over the pan in question and calls 'Bags sighted. SKE climb, SKE climb. Go.' Kiss goodbye to that luggage for a couple of weeks!

On board one of those big grey things with a flat top...
This was the doings of a late good mate of mine and an accomplice

The two pilots (of green painted seakings) decided that the bar was a bit quiet and needed livening up with a bit of exploding vegetation, namely the biggest cabbage they could obtain from the galley.
Having hollowed out the core and inserted a couple of thunderflashes (using two in the mistaken belief that the newer versions of 'thundies' were less powerful than the old ones), a plan was hatched.
After a suitable diversion, namely a thunderflash into the front of the mess piano, the cabbage would be rolled in through the other door of the wardroom bar.

What actually happened; The thundy down the front of the piano blew the front wooden panel off and collected the ships XO as he stood at the bar with drink. This not being enough, the cabbage then rolled round the corner and detonated, plastering the bruised and battered XO with a large amount of coleslaw.... MANY extra duties followed...
:)

Many years ago, a Happy Hunter Hero (HHH) of my acquaintance was doing a QFI tour on Tiger Moths. His prank involved a Tiger, a dead pig, a surplus uniform.....and a few dozen recruits.

Early one morning, HHH took off in the Tiger with the dead pig stuffed into the surplus uniform and headed for the parade ground upon which the recruits were formed up doing foot drill. The Tiger lurched about the sky, turned upside down, the pig fell out and made a huge and bloody impact on the parade ground. About half the recruits fainted - and HHH found himself fired off on a punishment posting almost before he landed!!

[This message has been edited by BEagle (edited 21 March 2001).]