Best Prank
 

What is the best prank anyone has seen played on someone in the services. Not just stripped naked and hosed down in the Sqn stocks something really funny.

Before my Albert days I was on Wessex Helicopters on 84 Sqn in Cyprus.

In order to set the correct tension on the tail rotor cables, you need an accurate temperature measurement inside the tail section. We used a very accurate probe thing.

I was walking across the hangar and my mate called me over.

'Ere, put that under your tongue a minute' he said, which I did.

'Blimey, your body temperature is a whole degree cooler than mine, mind you, I stuck it up my arse.'

I have the utmost respect for an unknown member of a Wessex crew, stationed at Akrotiri in 1998.

The clever fellow managed to 'moon' into the bubble-window thingy on the side of the helicopter at exactly the same moment as 200 Air Cadets were posing - in front of said aircraft - for their camp photo.

Luckily, it was directly over the Camp Commondant's head.

Fantastic.

Best Guest Night Prank

When foam fire extinguishers contained two separate liquids which when mixed together made foam you could put one in the cistern and one in the bowl of a toilet. In the inevitable rush to the gents at the end of the dinner (this was before the days of the'pee break') all the urinals and stalls would be used. The first to flush the toilet would be greeted with about 20 gallons of foam.

The following were used on one subaltern on one fateful Regimental Dinner night:

The front legs of his chair were sawn through, front to back, leaving about 2 mm of wood intact. On pulling the chair back, the legs remained stable but on pulling the chair underneath himself and sitting down, it collapsed. Narrowly missed putting his chin on the table.

Talc in his napkin. Oldie but goodie.

Obtained a diamond drill bit and drilled small holes in the bottom of each of his wineglasses. In order to prevent spillage he conscientiously downed the glass of wine. The mess stewards then promptly filled them. Repeat several times. Eventually someone told him to put his finger over the hole and not drink any more.

Had his main meal deep frozen and asked the chef to just 'show it to the grill'. Hence ill fated attempts to cut and eat his main course.

Decided he needed to go to the toilet. Place setting and chair removed. On return attempts to take a band members chair. No chance. A bar stool is found for him and he crouches over the end of the table. By this stage he is so inebriated, he is smiling and waving at the top table.

Leans over to one side to be sick but is spotted by the Mess Sgt who quickly whisks him out of the dining room.

Someone else does the toasts.

Next morning - a royal b0ll0cking for all. Roll the dice for extras.


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There is no spoon......

How about the cavalry officer who was offered the chance on a famil flight to fire the cannons on a Nimrod. ("I didn't know the Nimrod had guns." "Highly classified - they're hidden in the wing roots.")

Much thrilled at the opportunity, the major was sat in the Co-Pilot's seat and shown the 'trigger' (a PTT switch on the control column). Elaborate Clear Range Procedures were flown and the aircraft pointed in a safe direction. After a countdown from 5, the major pulled the 'trigger'......and the Flt Eng activated the stick-shaker. One very impressed major!

I heard a good one from a friend of mine who was helping out with the Lineys at Benson in their Wessex days.

They used to have to go up on top to check the gearbox whilst the rotor was going. One day Joe Bloggs is doing his thing when he whips out a few sachets of Tomato Ketchup and squirts it down the canopy in front of the crew inside. He then begins to bang feverishly on the top of the airframe. The pilot ****s a brick and shuts down, double-time.

Joe Bloggs is last seen running across pan with pilot in quick pursuit, laughing his head off.

During a flight over the North Sea a Dutch Lynx pilot spotted a catamaran dead in the water quite a long way from the coast. Getting closer, excitement grew because of the fact that on the catamaran a man and a woman were clearly visible making movements as if they were married. Especially forementioned pilot was hysterical with laughter and gave the couple 'the works' (couple of low passes, cooling down the lovebirds with some salty rotorwash). The couple made the international f***k-off gesture and the helo continued on its flight, at homeplate the pilot told everybody the story for about two weeks.

When everybody got bored with the bloke telling the story over and over again a letter suddenly arrived adressed to the commanding officer of the Dutch Naval Helicopter Group. Of course it was written by the colleagues who were in the same helicopter and the squadron CO was in on it. The pilot, however, was not and was summoned to the CO's office where he got to read the letter (we felt very much endangered by the behaviour of the crew of one of your helicopters, our privacy was invaded, our boat was damaged, bla bla bla) and was given a severe bollocking. He was told to write a please-excuse-me-letter and left the CO's office about ten inches less tall. After sweating on the letter for a couple of hours he bumped in to the CO who couldn't control his face anymore and they both rolled around laughing for about an hour.

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On the thread of dining in nights; dentist's anaesthetic gel spread generously around the rim of his/hers wine glass. Wait ten minutes and voila, one dribling Mr Vice!

Flying around the sunny Med, a Nignog crew come across a fancy yacht plus large buxom lady. Nignog returns for photos and takes registration details of yacht....Photos developed and Nignog crew, in a show of goodwill, send a copy of photos to the registered owner of the yacht. However, the wife of said owner was not very impressed!.....

Send newly arrived subaltern to Chief Clerk asking for an ID 10 T form. Better still, in case he forgets, get him to write it down.

Lets not forget the old one about the MOD giving the army helicopters...

Or calling the crabs.....the Royal Air FORCE!!!

AOC's Guest Night at Waddington....
VIP toilet pre-prepared with one half of foam extinguisher in trap & other half of chemicals in cistern. AOC (very polite) flushed after use - instant explosion of foam, one very damp AOC! He thought it a jolly jape though!!

I once told a mate that he would have a 'kin great time if he joined the RAF. Oh how I laughed when he signed on!! What a jolly jape.

Know of a story of a pilot a few years ago tasked with scattering the ashes of a lifelong Cambridge United fan over their ground from the hover (last wishes and all that).
After removing the lid of the urn, and tipping, he was immediately re-joined by half the contents!!
Arriving back at Oakington with bits still in his teeth Etc.,he endured the weeks of ribbing from colleagues with surprising good humour for him!!
Eventually someone asked why he was taking it so well, to which he replied,"I may have had some over my face,but I stirred a good two spoonfuls into the flight Coffee jar before I left"!!!

True story!

Regards
Murph

[This message has been edited by murphy (edited 26 January 2001).]

Navy Wessex crewmen apparently had a habit of climbing out along the fuselage in flight (after attaching the harness of course)and tapping on the cockpit window of the Squadron's newly arrived pilots.

NAP gets wind of it and obtains blank end of a crewman's harness ..... when the man knocks on the window, pilot smiles and waves the 'detached' harness clip at him ...

That rates!

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Free the world .. clear in live!!!

For credulous pasengers....the E-3 Rotordome Detach Check List, run before going On Station - to send the rotordome flying on its own over the surveillance area where it will report the radar picture back to the aircraft.

Followed after Off Station by the Rotordome Docking Check List, when the rotordome re-joins 'mother' accompanied by appropriate movements on the controls at the moment of 'arrival'.

So now you know the cause of (some of) those reports of flying saucers!!

Aaah, the Nurses home. Endless source of comfort when detached to strange parts of the country (Cornwall, St Mawgan). After entertaining the inmates from the home at the mess we took our most inebriated,(semi-conscious, member back with them and staked him out on their croquet lawn, b@ll@ck naked, apart from his cap, legs akimbo and facing the senior matron's bedroom window.

How's the frostbite coming along Bob?!

This wind-up occurred sometime in 1993 when the Wessex was used for multi-engine helo training on 2 Sqn at Shawbury.
One of the advanced sorties involved flying the Wessex at high AUW to experience the handling characteristics. Unfortunately, one of the less capable students overtorqued one at Chetwynd and it had to be underslung back to Shawbury by Chinook. The procedure stated that somebody had to board the underslung aircraft to apply the brakes when it was placed on the ground.
A particularly gullible student was selected to be the brakeman and told that he had to be on board for the whole trip. In case the Chinook had an emergency and had to dump the load the brakeman was told to collect a parachute from stores so he could bail out. Having collected his parachute the student then waited at the edge of the main dispersal at Shawbury for the Chinook to pick him up en-route Chetwynd. The Chinook duly arrived and our hero waddled towards it wearing his 'chute. Somebody then ran out to tell him about the wind-up and indicated the rather large audience watching from every available window facing the dispersal. A very red faced student then faced the longest short walk of his life.
Ironically, he is now a Chinook pilot himself. I'm sure he remembers the incident.

Tip out Coffeemate, insert Powered Potato

Here are a few of the standard wind-ups that bored lineys torment the new boys with.

Send a guy out to switch on the windsock

…and while he’s there he could sweep the glidepath

or he could be sent to stores for a ‘Long Weight’ or a ‘Long Stand’

or perhaps the Med Centre for some Falopian Tubes

Blow up a poly bag, tie it off, and send him to the Oxygen bay with this sample for testing.

Check the voltage on the Vortex Generators

St. Kilda, 100 miles off Scottish Mainland.

Four U.S. Service personnel walking the hill above the army rocket tracking station, had asked two passing squaddies in a land-rover, if there was any transport to take them back to their boat at the pier. The soldiers politely told them that a double-decker bus would be along in about ten minutes, if they waited several hundred yards around the next bend. They then drove ahead to set up a bogus bus-stop. The Americans queued patiently for 45 mins in the rain before they realised that they had been set up. The only transport on the island were 2 Land Rovers and a fork-lift truck!

:)

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Through Difficulties to the Supermarket....

There was a Loadie on Alberts in the dim and distant past that was unsurpassed at the on board prank. If the any of these are not down to him then apologies in advance.

1. Take a standard issue kit bag, bore a hole in the bottom and attach to floor point. Lock kit bag and wrap bodge tape around padlock until resembles football. On landing after a long leg, wait patiently as crewmember tries to offload bag (Alternatively just piss off with the wheels and leave him there)

2. Ensure full load of thick squaddies on board. Just prior to engine start Loadie One exits from rear roof escape hatch, ensuring that young squaddie is on no account to let Loadie Two refit escape hatch before he's back in. Loadie Two ignores squaddie and refits hatch. Loadie one enters a/c thru flight deck escape hatch and stays on flight deck for the remainder of the leg. No visitors are allowed on the flight deck. Loadie two continues to ignore the pleading of the squaddies. A/c completes leg and shuts down. Loadie One, now having changed into suitably shredded flying suit and sprayed hair to give the right windswept look, exits flight deck hatch and moves rearward and begins hammering on the rear escape hatch. Loadie Two opens hatch. Loadie One falls thru and proceeds to give previously instructed squaddie the bollocking of his life for making him hang on to the wing for the duration of the flight.

3. Same load out as 2. above. Captain comes down from flight deck and trailing two pieces of string and says to forward most JO "Hang on to these, the autpilots on the blink, whatever you do hold them steady, I'm going for a slash" After a while JO can't resist giving a little tug on one of the strings. Co-pilot reacts tenfold to the input, Captain returns with water down the front legs of flying suit and bollocks JO.

4. Shave the bristles off toothbrushes of any crew bags found unlocked.

Delete of repeat post

[This message has been edited by Top Bunk Tester (edited 28 January 2001).]

Akrotiki..many,many years ago ( circa '91 ).
Flt Lt Let's Not Name Him (Imber) trying to give the OM bar a fright with a moony staggers backwards only to stick his rear end through the glass! Several stiches later and once again he only had one a***hole!
Let's not tell his JMC passengers that one!

Had a brand new Co-pilot on his first C-141 trip to Frankfurt. Many crews liked to frequent the local houses of ill repute, and this new co-pilot had to get christianed. Next day, another crewmember who's brother was the flight surgeon at Frankfurt call the kid up to tell him about a very wicked strain of VD going around, the Co-pilot confesses he went out the night before, so the flight doc tells him he had to shave his privates and keep the clippings for testing when we returned back to the States. The flight doc assures the kid that the flight doc's Stateside had been notified that he would be coming in with his bag of clippings!!! Of course the Stateside Docs had no idea what this Leutenant was talking about and why was he walking around with a bag of shaved pubic hairs!!!!!

More Albert pranks.

Preparation:- Empty a can of minestrone soup, or spaghetti hoops or something like that into a sick bag.

Execution:- Pretend to throw up and then get a spoon and eat it back up again. Better still, have your neighbour in on the joke and he can eat it.

This was told to me from a family friend who was an old ASCOT Capt. In the cockpit of a Britannia, on a dark night over the Pacific, the following conversation took place... New female ALM: Why is it that all pilots are required to wear ties? Captain: They actually use them if they get disoriented in bad weather. If they've lost all other references, they look at the angle that their tie is hanging to figure out the attitude of the aeroplane. The young loadie accepted that and left the cockpit to go get the flight crew’s coffees. As soon as the cockpit door closed the nav grabbed wire coat hangers and went to work. The completely confused ALM tries to invert her tray of coffees when she re-entered the cockpit only to find the entire flight crew had all their ties pointing straight up to the ceiling.

Albert on Tour
Taking your 'Sick Bag' prank a little further:

Tell your colleague about their role in the prank but put instead of Minestrone/vegetable soup why not put actual sick in the bag!!

Albert On Tour

Again, a variation on the sick bag joke. Who's heard of re-fried beans? Just like the bean contents of 'baked beans' but without the tomato sauce. Mash 'em up - slap 'em in a tin. Mexicans eat them. Anyway...

Get a load of green flyers, going for thier first flight. Even, better, get one whose just got back and didn't like it (felt green!) Brandish your refried beans. Now the trick here is that cold refried beans smell and look just like CAT FOOD. Disguise your can with the wrapper from Whiskers Lamb & Jelly and begin to eat the contents. Waft it under their nose if they don't believe you. Try it!

From nimrod some years ago.
BBC reporter on flight deck.
Pilot"would you like to try the voice activated flight system?"
beeb "oh yes please"
Pilot gives beeb headset and tells beeb to say nimrod turn left
Beeb does this.
Nav puts a new steer in and auto pilot turns ac left.
repeat to right.
Later in sortie.
beeb "nimrod go to Kinloss"

Whilst I was on tour in Bosnia mid 90's, we heard about an announcement made on a homebound R+R flight from Split - not sure if it was an Albert or not. Went something like this :

" Ladies and Gentlemen we're just about to enter British airspace, would all the female personnel aboard please note that they are officially ugly again. Thank you."

We also heard that the crew got a royal roasting, it seems a senior lumpy-jumper had a sense of humour failiure and reported them.

An ex-RM, now AAC, pilot once handed out carrots to all his staff officer pax on their return flight in a Lynx while scurrying frantically around Germany pre-Gulf War - he explained that while they were at their meeting he had received orders to that effect, as there was going to be a severe shortage of Night Vision Devices in theatre....

X-QUORK

I’ve heard that one, but was told it was a Tristar captain on the way back from the Falklands. Maybe this should be on the Urban Myth thread.

Lovechild

Picture the scene. Breakfast in the Wardroom the morning after a Mess Dinner. Very quiet apart from the occasional groan. In walks Lt ... full of the joys of spring. Sits down and noisily orders a full English with extra greasy eggs. The toast arrives and he pulls a knotted used Durex from top pocket. Undoes knot, inverts said condom and milks contents (cream or similar) onto the toast which he then eats.

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Finge et Fuge

Having landed at one of those little known (and to be avoided) airfields of Utah, we wait for 45 minutes for customs officials to chopper in from Salt Lake City. Seeing that we're hot & bothered, they tell the loadie that they only need to look in 3 cases: the captain's, the loadies and a n other. Whilst looking at them and chatting away, the loadie flips open his case to reveal... 3 chain tensioners, 5 passenger life-preservers and a towel! Two very bemused officials look on as the rest of us wet ourselves with laughter whilst telling the loadie that his kit is in a large blue rubbish bag behind reception at Sinbad's Motel in Gander.

opso

The loadie’s bag? Are you sure? Were there 2 loadies, one under training perhaps? I find it hard to believe that the front enders would dare.

Did any of you upstairs folk have any Tea, Coffee or Squash on the rest of that trip?


The threat of a TURD IN THE HAT – not a prank in itself, but guaranteed to make pranksters think twice before touching your stuff. Only ever had to do it once, usually the threat is enough. Remember, eye contact, you have to make them believe that you will crap in their hat or Nav bag if they piss you off.

'nuff said

This one was reported to have been played on that famous "Goon", Sir Harry Secombe when he visited the forces in NI some years ago, during his flight in a Wessex.

Firstly, a crewman dressed as a waiter was pre-positioned behind the tail-boom curtain. He appeared during the flight to serve drinks.

Secondly, the crew began talking about possibly having to stop for passengers en route (HS was on intercom at this stage). At the pre-arranged spot, miles from anywhere, was a portable bus stop sign and a man in a rain coat standing by it. As the aircraft approached he held out his arm, the aircraft was landed next to the bus stop. The man climbed on, offered his fare and was issued with a ticket.

Sir Harry sat all the way through this with a bemused smile but without saying a word!

I don't know if he ever asked what was going on or if he was told..

Hey Albert,

You sound like someone who's got CRM squared away. Must be a real pleasure to fly with you! Not.

SP

Little known fact:

If, on a cold night, you go into someone's room, put all of his washing kit into the sink and pour a warm jelly over it and leave the window open to help it set it will take him hours to dig his things out again and get the jelly off! I once heard that someone did a tu*d into someone's sink, shoved their toothbrush in and then poured the jelly over - a bit mean I thought. :rolleyes: