Here are a few of the standard wind-ups that bored lineys torment the new boys with.

Send a guy out to switch on the windsock

…and while he’s there he could sweep the glidepath

or he could be sent to stores for a ‘Long Weight’ or a ‘Long Stand’

or perhaps the Med Centre for some Falopian Tubes

Blow up a poly bag, tie it off, and send him to the Oxygen bay with this sample for testing.

Check the voltage on the Vortex Generators

St. Kilda, 100 miles off Scottish Mainland.

Four U.S. Service personnel walking the hill above the army rocket tracking station, had asked two passing squaddies in a land-rover, if there was any transport to take them back to their boat at the pier. The soldiers politely told them that a double-decker bus would be along in about ten minutes, if they waited several hundred yards around the next bend. They then drove ahead to set up a bogus bus-stop. The Americans queued patiently for 45 mins in the rain before they realised that they had been set up. The only transport on the island were 2 Land Rovers and a fork-lift truck!

:)

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Through Difficulties to the Supermarket....

There was a Loadie on Alberts in the dim and distant past that was unsurpassed at the on board prank. If the any of these are not down to him then apologies in advance.

1. Take a standard issue kit bag, bore a hole in the bottom and attach to floor point. Lock kit bag and wrap bodge tape around padlock until resembles football. On landing after a long leg, wait patiently as crewmember tries to offload bag (Alternatively just piss off with the wheels and leave him there)

2. Ensure full load of thick squaddies on board. Just prior to engine start Loadie One exits from rear roof escape hatch, ensuring that young squaddie is on no account to let Loadie Two refit escape hatch before he's back in. Loadie Two ignores squaddie and refits hatch. Loadie one enters a/c thru flight deck escape hatch and stays on flight deck for the remainder of the leg. No visitors are allowed on the flight deck. Loadie two continues to ignore the pleading of the squaddies. A/c completes leg and shuts down. Loadie One, now having changed into suitably shredded flying suit and sprayed hair to give the right windswept look, exits flight deck hatch and moves rearward and begins hammering on the rear escape hatch. Loadie Two opens hatch. Loadie One falls thru and proceeds to give previously instructed squaddie the bollocking of his life for making him hang on to the wing for the duration of the flight.

3. Same load out as 2. above. Captain comes down from flight deck and trailing two pieces of string and says to forward most JO "Hang on to these, the autpilots on the blink, whatever you do hold them steady, I'm going for a slash" After a while JO can't resist giving a little tug on one of the strings. Co-pilot reacts tenfold to the input, Captain returns with water down the front legs of flying suit and bollocks JO.

4. Shave the bristles off toothbrushes of any crew bags found unlocked.

Delete of repeat post

[This message has been edited by Top Bunk Tester (edited 28 January 2001).]

Akrotiki..many,many years ago ( circa '91 ).
Flt Lt Let's Not Name Him (Imber) trying to give the OM bar a fright with a moony staggers backwards only to stick his rear end through the glass! Several stiches later and once again he only had one a***hole!
Let's not tell his JMC passengers that one!

Had a brand new Co-pilot on his first C-141 trip to Frankfurt. Many crews liked to frequent the local houses of ill repute, and this new co-pilot had to get christianed. Next day, another crewmember who's brother was the flight surgeon at Frankfurt call the kid up to tell him about a very wicked strain of VD going around, the Co-pilot confesses he went out the night before, so the flight doc tells him he had to shave his privates and keep the clippings for testing when we returned back to the States. The flight doc assures the kid that the flight doc's Stateside had been notified that he would be coming in with his bag of clippings!!! Of course the Stateside Docs had no idea what this Leutenant was talking about and why was he walking around with a bag of shaved pubic hairs!!!!!

More Albert pranks.

Preparation:- Empty a can of minestrone soup, or spaghetti hoops or something like that into a sick bag.

Execution:- Pretend to throw up and then get a spoon and eat it back up again. Better still, have your neighbour in on the joke and he can eat it.

This was told to me from a family friend who was an old ASCOT Capt. In the cockpit of a Britannia, on a dark night over the Pacific, the following conversation took place... New female ALM: Why is it that all pilots are required to wear ties? Captain: They actually use them if they get disoriented in bad weather. If they've lost all other references, they look at the angle that their tie is hanging to figure out the attitude of the aeroplane. The young loadie accepted that and left the cockpit to go get the flight crew’s coffees. As soon as the cockpit door closed the nav grabbed wire coat hangers and went to work. The completely confused ALM tries to invert her tray of coffees when she re-entered the cockpit only to find the entire flight crew had all their ties pointing straight up to the ceiling.

Albert on Tour
Taking your 'Sick Bag' prank a little further:

Tell your colleague about their role in the prank but put instead of Minestrone/vegetable soup why not put actual sick in the bag!!

Albert On Tour

Again, a variation on the sick bag joke. Who's heard of re-fried beans? Just like the bean contents of 'baked beans' but without the tomato sauce. Mash 'em up - slap 'em in a tin. Mexicans eat them. Anyway...

Get a load of green flyers, going for thier first flight. Even, better, get one whose just got back and didn't like it (felt green!) Brandish your refried beans. Now the trick here is that cold refried beans smell and look just like CAT FOOD. Disguise your can with the wrapper from Whiskers Lamb & Jelly and begin to eat the contents. Waft it under their nose if they don't believe you. Try it!

From nimrod some years ago.
BBC reporter on flight deck.
Pilot"would you like to try the voice activated flight system?"
beeb "oh yes please"
Pilot gives beeb headset and tells beeb to say nimrod turn left
Beeb does this.
Nav puts a new steer in and auto pilot turns ac left.
repeat to right.
Later in sortie.
beeb "nimrod go to Kinloss"

Whilst I was on tour in Bosnia mid 90's, we heard about an announcement made on a homebound R+R flight from Split - not sure if it was an Albert or not. Went something like this :

" Ladies and Gentlemen we're just about to enter British airspace, would all the female personnel aboard please note that they are officially ugly again. Thank you."

We also heard that the crew got a royal roasting, it seems a senior lumpy-jumper had a sense of humour failiure and reported them.

An ex-RM, now AAC, pilot once handed out carrots to all his staff officer pax on their return flight in a Lynx while scurrying frantically around Germany pre-Gulf War - he explained that while they were at their meeting he had received orders to that effect, as there was going to be a severe shortage of Night Vision Devices in theatre....

X-QUORK

I’ve heard that one, but was told it was a Tristar captain on the way back from the Falklands. Maybe this should be on the Urban Myth thread.

Lovechild

Picture the scene. Breakfast in the Wardroom the morning after a Mess Dinner. Very quiet apart from the occasional groan. In walks Lt ... full of the joys of spring. Sits down and noisily orders a full English with extra greasy eggs. The toast arrives and he pulls a knotted used Durex from top pocket. Undoes knot, inverts said condom and milks contents (cream or similar) onto the toast which he then eats.

....................................
Finge et Fuge

Having landed at one of those little known (and to be avoided) airfields of Utah, we wait for 45 minutes for customs officials to chopper in from Salt Lake City. Seeing that we're hot & bothered, they tell the loadie that they only need to look in 3 cases: the captain's, the loadies and a n other. Whilst looking at them and chatting away, the loadie flips open his case to reveal... 3 chain tensioners, 5 passenger life-preservers and a towel! Two very bemused officials look on as the rest of us wet ourselves with laughter whilst telling the loadie that his kit is in a large blue rubbish bag behind reception at Sinbad's Motel in Gander.

opso

The loadie’s bag? Are you sure? Were there 2 loadies, one under training perhaps? I find it hard to believe that the front enders would dare.

Did any of you upstairs folk have any Tea, Coffee or Squash on the rest of that trip?


The threat of a TURD IN THE HAT – not a prank in itself, but guaranteed to make pranksters think twice before touching your stuff. Only ever had to do it once, usually the threat is enough. Remember, eye contact, you have to make them believe that you will crap in their hat or Nav bag if they piss you off.

'nuff said

This one was reported to have been played on that famous "Goon", Sir Harry Secombe when he visited the forces in NI some years ago, during his flight in a Wessex.

Firstly, a crewman dressed as a waiter was pre-positioned behind the tail-boom curtain. He appeared during the flight to serve drinks.

Secondly, the crew began talking about possibly having to stop for passengers en route (HS was on intercom at this stage). At the pre-arranged spot, miles from anywhere, was a portable bus stop sign and a man in a rain coat standing by it. As the aircraft approached he held out his arm, the aircraft was landed next to the bus stop. The man climbed on, offered his fare and was issued with a ticket.

Sir Harry sat all the way through this with a bemused smile but without saying a word!

I don't know if he ever asked what was going on or if he was told..

Hey Albert,

You sound like someone who's got CRM squared away. Must be a real pleasure to fly with you! Not.

SP

Little known fact:

If, on a cold night, you go into someone's room, put all of his washing kit into the sink and pour a warm jelly over it and leave the window open to help it set it will take him hours to dig his things out again and get the jelly off! I once heard that someone did a tu*d into someone's sink, shoved their toothbrush in and then poured the jelly over - a bit mean I thought. :rolleyes: