Wittering, Mid-70s, Tannoy:"Fire,Fire,Fire,There is a dog in the Fire Section...er" Click.

Bruggen, 1990 (ish) - 'Fire, Fire, Fire. There is a fire in the Station Incinerator'

Two chaps sharing a room in Belize a few years ago. Man 'A' (sober) awakes in the wee small hours to see Man 'B' (totally c**ted), asleep and lagging into Man 'A's wardrobe.

Man 'A':"B***y! What the f**k are you doing!!"
Man 'B', in a totally unconcerned and innocent voice : "I'm havin' a piddle mate"

Good Work Fella! :)

One Ive heard from the crewroom . .

A Herc captain whilst boarding points to his luggage on the pan and tells the loadie " Loadmaster, my luggage "

On arrival at some far flung place the captain is unable to find his cases

Captain " Loadie where are my suitcases ?"

To which the loadie replies " Probably still on the pan where you pointed them out "

Not my stories but I'm sure a few will know the persons involved:

Lynx in Bosnia being flown by very senior WO2 and young L/Cpl Air Observer/Gunner with assorted Generals and Brigadiers including very gruff DCOMSFOR in the back. Enroute to LZ gruff DCOMSFOR was dishing out roastings to Brigadiers. On arrival at LZ pax disembarked. Senior WO2 not realising that a) ICS selector was on 'all' and b)DCOMSFOR was not getting off at this stop, said to L/Cpl ******,"Has that grumpy f**ker got out yet?" L/Cpl's jaw falls off as voice from back says, "No Mr *******, that grumpy f**ker is still on board!"

A few weeks later same L/Cpl was flying with SGT acft capt and Brigadier in the back. Without acft capt noticing L/Cpl flicks ICS switch to 'Cockpit',leans over and mockingly says, "I love you Sgt ***." He then immediately and covertly flicks ICS selector back to 'all'. Seconds go by when Sgt *** looks back at L/Cpl and says, "L/Cpl ******, I love you!." This is very quickly followed by Brigadier's eyes going out on stalks and two up front receive a roasting.
http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/redface.gif

Flying a PAR into a Hun RAF base with a newish pilot. Making the chap work hard for the privelege, he was doing all the work.

Controller ... "Descend to 2000ft, when level confirm cockpit checks complete"

Pilot, being highly efficient had already done them, so .....

Pilot .... "Checkpit Cocks complete ..... "

The ensuing laughter could be heard from both sides of R/T.

A very aggressive US Marine Colonel was taking part in exercises in North Norway. A Norwegian friend of mine who was then a Major was assigned to look after him. Following a cock-up with the maps the Marine threw a huge tantrum and demanded that all of the maps should be re-drawn and on his desk before sundown. He turned to the Norwegian and snapped "what time will that be Major?"

"Late October Sir" was the reply.

At the return of Diana, Princess of Wales, to London following the accident in Paris, you will recall the RAF Regt acted as pall bearers with their customary style. You may also remember Prince Charles speaking to each of the pall bearers after the coffin was safely entrusted to the hearse. After thanking each of the troops, he addressed the OIC. "Thank you very much, that was very sensitively handled." "That's alright, Sir," quoth the slightly fraught Fg Off, "anytime".

Rumour hath it that, occasionally, the duty officer of the guard (or whatever it's called up at the house at the end of the mall) is 'invited' to make up the number at dinner. Once upon a time this honour befell a junior Rock at short notice. Hurling on his mess kit, he arrived breathless just before the soup and sat uneasily in the company of the Royals. One of whom, who might be known irreverently as 'Stavros', looked at the young man in his cummerbund and said " Doesn't the RAF wear white waistcoats any more?" "No sir, only on special occasions" replied the Rock!!

Such as having dinner with HM??

Many moons ago at the college of knowledge, a Senior Flight Cadet called BL turned up for the saturday morning parade in a dreaful state after a night on the tiles. An irate SWO looked him up and down and pointing his swagger stick said:
"Mr L their is a c***t at the end of this stick."
Well within the two seconds came the reply:
"Not my end Mr G."
Didn't see him n Lincoln again for some time. Can't imagine why?

Mr G?? Cadet Wing Warrant Officer Garbutt, perchance?

I've been loving this thread!

A tale I was told by the corporal clerk concerned...

At a certain mixed RAF/AAC base/civilian airport, a brand new one-striper was proving just a tad obnoxious in refusing to take advice from men twenty years his senior because they got their nosh in a different building from him.

One day when he told his clerk to ask the SWO to come and see him, clerk dutifully (and gleefully) did so, advising the astonished voice on the end of the phone that he was merely following orders.

SWO turns up, stalks into the office opposite the clerk's desk. Door slams shut with a ferocity that has aircraft on the take-off roll wondering what that noise was. Seconds later, it flies open again, and a chair comes flying out. Chair is followed after a very brief pause by the SWO, who heads out of the main door, says to the clerk who is, by now, trying less and less successfully to keep a straight face, "He told me to take a seat - so I did" and SWO instructs the clerk to "have him come see me when he's figured out who runs this place".

Flustered Puma student on being given engine fire:

"Prastish, Plastish....Plastic Pan, Plastic Pan"

Similar to Geets story.
Late 80s a certain Nimrod Sqn Cdr (MAC) departing for S Atlantic, points to his bags and tells the nearest SNCO to keep an eye on them.
2 mins after take off and going IMC.
"Captain - Port Beam. Just lost sight of your bags Sir."

BEagle, I could't possibly comment. But it was 67 ish.

Lyneham crew taking a day off near the coast somewhere. Couple of crew members wandering along the beach meet the (infamous) captain coming the other way wearing only one flip-flop:
"Hiya captain, lost a flip-flop?"
"No," comes the reply, "found one."

Couple of mates on skiing holiday in Norway, due to cost of local booze have taken some duty free supplies in with them.
After a hard day on the piste they retire to the sauna at the Hotel where they meet some locals and banter follows, which gets on to subject of high booze prices.

Mr UK: Hey we,ve got extra whisky and vodka we brought in would you like to buy some?
Sven: Thank you but no thanks
Mr UK: Its ok really good price, we dont mind
Sven: No really we can't accept your offer,
Mr UK: Go on, you can have it at what we paid for it,
Sven: No we can't, we're Customs officer's on a course here!
Mr UK: I'll get my towel then.

At a helicopter-landing site in NE Bosnia, a female Chinook pilot landing in turn behind an American Blackhawk was heard to say over the R/T, “better not park there as I’ll really blow you…” to stunned audience of all those on headset!

Back when the first Chinooks deployed out to Bosnia we would take great delight in taking any interested females flying with us. One day a blonde Army Captain turned up and she was ushered in to the jumpseat by a hugely grinning pilot.
After a 2 hour flight where he explained what all the controls, knobs and switches did in the most simplistic terms (not to mention buttering her up as much as humanly possible), he eventually asked what she did in the Army.
“Oh, I’m a Lynx pilot" she replied!
The hole that opened up beneath him just wasn’t big enough. The rest of the crew of course just couldn’t contain themselves…..


[This message has been edited by Pilot Pacifier (edited 25 August 2000).]

Many years ago in Belize we were carrying the AOC plus party of assorted Squadron Leaders including one WRAF.

Scouser crewman went out to oversee the start but his long lead was u/s so we used hand signals.

As he climbed into the jump seat and plugged into the intercom he declared "Some c*unt down the back has farted!"

As I dug him hard in the ribs I pointed out the following message already written on my kneepad "AOC on intercom!!"

A loud voice down the back boomed "Well it wasn't me!!"

Crewman unable to speak for rest of flight...

------------------
Fly Safely - or it might be me you hit.