There was the multi-national exercise in Germany a few years back, where the assembled throng several hundred deep (SH aircrew at the back, naturally) were about to be addressed by the ex-2 Para, ex-RMC Sandhurst Commandant. As he moved up to the microphone and started off with "Good morning, my name's Lt General..." one of the crewmen, remembering Capt Mainwaring's best-known line, shouted "don't tell them your name, Pike". Can't remember what happened to him...

A few years ago at the home of Albert, one said Albert was long finals when a new sexy voice was heard from Air Tragic. Young lady, having just arrived and started her shift, totally fluffed her lines. She apologised with "Sorry, I've just come on" towit reply from from now creased up front end of Albert "Request your RHAG state". Needless to say Capt had one of those "Your hat, my office" chats with OC sqn on landing.

Tanker mate was trialing a formation of FJs. Half way through the long trip, trying to be amusing, the Tanker captain requests visual inspection. Tornado mate comes alongside, happy to oblige, and sees centerfold of a porn mag held up to the windscreen, tanker mate says:-

"can you see a crack in the windscreen?"

quick as a flash the Tornado mate replies:-

"no but I can see a C*NT in the cockpit"

Must be something about Coltishall, a lady mate of mine once announced that someone had ejaculated on the RW.
Also heard a very nervous JP stude call up for recovery at FL900. He was told to report re-entry.
And is the following story true? (I hope it is.) V busy circuit, controller starting to lose it, makes a bad decision which is greeted with 'oh for f#*%s sake', to which the lamentably silly person in the tower shrieks 'who said that?' Every aircraft in the circuit replied (rumoured to be 6) well I never said f#*%, no I didn't say f#*% either, did you say f#*%.....

At Church Fenton, sometime many summers ago, weekly tannoy test from ATC by a notoriously dim ATC girl broadcast to the whole station. "Standby for test of the Station tannoy system from Air Traffic Control. A, B, C, D, E,...E, D, C....er....end of test!"

Anyone remember the little wall boilers we made tea with? One was coming to boil during exercise.

Bright female DI staff, in accusatory fashion, 'Sergeant, what does that siren mean to you?'

'Tea's ready ma'am'

Crewroom during Falklands war, the morning after the Belgrano had been sunk. A Welsh SAC with a well known sense of humour comes in.

SAC: "Sir, the Belgrano, him what fired the torpedo, would he be an officer then?"

Me: "Yes."

SAC: (Sagely) "Ah, that's all right then, youthful high spirits!"

A story relayed to me by a jolly chap at Blandford: wee small hours on an army exercise in BAOR in the early 70s. Nothing was happening, nothing was going to happen, neither bed nor Ivan loomed large.

Eventually, the radio wakes up: "Are there any friendly bears out there?", "Yes, I'm a friendly bear", "I'm a friendly bear too", and so on up and down the net This went on for a bit until an outraged voice broke in and proceeded to read the riot act about w/t security, discipline, procedures and so on.

There was silence on the channel for about ten seconds.

"You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

R

Cold war days when SR71s were at an airfield in Suffolk and Eastern radar still existed.

SR "Mission xxx requesting Flight Level 650"

Obnoxious WRAF controller -" HA.... you can have 650 if you can get it"

SR " Roger maam, descending 650"

Air Cell Northwood where nothing happens almost ever. SAC and LAC ops clerks running the plot, bored with no officers about, start playing 'golf' with a walking stick and a file 13 when WingCo and entourage walk in unexpectedly. Horrible silence, followed by massive rocket ended with the deathless phrase 'why didn't you use you initiative?'

SAC 'No-one told us to, Sir!'

Luckily not all SOs are totally humourless...

Mid 70's. North Sea.

Lone F4 scrambled during a survival scramble checks in with CRC:

"Neat, be advised this a war-goer only and I have no serviceable navaids on board".

Silence for about 30 seconds, then a second voice comes up:

"I consider that a personal insult!"

Back in the time of the Iranian hostage crisis, a Nimrod crew were on detachment at an American base. The whole crew, knockers included, were taking advantage of American hospitality and cheap beer in the O's club when the Base Commander decided to give a welcome speech.
During the speech, he touched on the hostage situation sayin, "I'd just like to remind everybody that while we're her drinking and enjoying ourselves, fellows Americans are beeing held hostage by that evil regime in Iran" At which stage, the rather tanked up junior siggie shouts,
"Three cheers for the Ayatolla"

This more of a 'I wished he hadn't said that...'. R&R returnees to Aldergrove used to be picked up in civvies by Ulster Buses, some pi$$ poor attempt at being covert perhaps? Whatever, noone was happy with the arrangement and sure enough a bus carrying X Battalion The Y Infantry was bumped with the away team left picking whats left of half a dozen mates out of the trees. Big news, everyone extremely upset, questions in The House etc.
Very shortly afterwards an opportunity came up to offer X Battalion The Y Infantry some work further South 'flushing game' and they, of course, leapt at the chance to go where nothing moves unless it's by Shanks or Fan and it looked like getting a bit hairy.
Buzzard Dude at the receiving end is an ex-hooligan, not known for his tact. He greets the first chalk off the Fan and some shiny new bloke tries the conversational opener of asking him wot the plan is, "I understand we're the 'come on', get them to commit on us and then you chaps pounce" says the shiny one.
"That WAS our plan" replies the ex-hooligan "but then WE all thought you were coming down by bus..."

Bored QHI (allegedly) goes fishing on a quiet afternoon in LFA 9,"I'm bored". Immediately hooks biggest fish in the pond,"who said that?". Dispatches said fish with consummate ease, "Not that f***ing bored"

Duty grunt trying to explain the crucial need for imprisoning mates for weeks on end on that piece of unwanted $hit off Argentina:
"We have to be on our guard. They may come by sea, they may come by air, they may come by err....other means!"
Bored aircrew mate responds "Such as what? Rail, road, time machine? F*cking carrier pigeon??"

But still we protect the sheep-$haggers from the evil Argie hordes(?). Presumably to keep that old tart with the handbag quiet.

Back in the mid-70's at that most brilliant of training bases near York a student had cut it a bit fine to have breakfast and still get to met brief. The Stn Cdr at that time was the well known ex F4 Sqn boss who, during a flypast for the freedom of St Andrews, called "Reheat, Reheat Go ….. Now" only to watch as his Vic become inverted and receive the admiration of all spectators except those in the know - his AOC was on the dais with the dignitaries. Anyway it was his foible to always enter the briefing room in an old barrack block just as the duty stude was at the "in 10 seconds" to the timehack. He would then arrive at his seat in the front as the stude called "hack" to allow him to say "sit down gentlemen". Pretty punchy and impressive stuff for abo's.
Back to the student who was running a bit late and now making swastikas across the short distance from the back of the mess with the leg restraints clacking nineteen to the dozen. A quick recce of the outside proved no Stn Cdr's car so the decision to attend met brief at the very last second (actually 30 secs) was made rather than skip it and hope the Flt Cdr wouldn't ask silly met questions. This was his first error.
Bursting into the outer entrance and pausing to try and get his breath back prior to slipping unnoticed?? into the back of the briefing room he was stunned to be confronted face to face with Harry Staish. (It was his other foible to turn up about 15 minutes early, hide in the room opposite the briefing room and take note of the arrivals' dress and the like and save the gen for when he could most abuse it as was found out by a young Sqn Cdr). At this point he looked at the red-faced spotty youth's chest and said "Late again then F****L!". Stude, still trying to recover his wits blurted out "Yes sir, so am I" . Second mistake.
Purple fit ensues and Staish storms into briefing 5secs late. Ego dented. Third mistake. (duty stude bollo**ed for being early with timehack - Sorry Ed I'll buy you that beer sometime).
End result: 2 weeks duty student for me, including timehack at early met brief and I never wore a flying badge with my name on it for over twenty years. Just as well 'cause I cocked up in Cyprus a lot later and got away with it, but that's another story.

Lovely story from my time at Linton. All the boys having a dining in night and very,very drunk ATC offficer being dined out. ATC bloke replying to Stn Cdr kind words, "Thank you sir, I heard a funny story about OC A last night" OC A was a fierce Matron type character, "OC A was learning to play golf with a pro. Pro tries everything but cannot get OC A to hit the ball properly. Finally he says "OCA grip the club like your husbands knob" Whack 300 yds "That was great now take the club out of your mouth"
OC A crinkles hugely as everyone including the Staish collapse in laughter and storms out. ATC bloke interviews at Staish's house at 9.00 next morning and whole Mess given harsh chat about standards

Guido..tell us more old boy

*pulling up a sandbag*

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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

I remember that too Madness.

Seem to remember said OCA and her husband walked out of the dining-in night early and husband declared never to attend a mess function again....obviously not got too good a handicap!!

SAC(W) in a control tower in the north of Scotland, drinking a mug of hot water:

"This reminds me of swallowing a load in the shower".

Jag pilot to Colt Director:

"I'd like radar vectors for a self-positioned ILS".

Junior ATC officer making a tannoy during an emergency state at the last home of the Lightning:

"Emergency Sate 2 terminated - aircraft crashed in the North Sea"

Another from an engineering log (American):

"Aircraft flies funny"

"Aircraft giving a severe talking to and told to straighten up and fly right"