Heard in the Fatherland in the good old days of the Cold War, from a MAC a/c driven by someone who sounded like he had just taken the joint out of his mouth......
" Gutersloh Zone this is MAC blah blah. We're headed your way and looking for a letdown, request your latest weather"
On receiving the usual Gut Bowl sh*t, corruption, frogs locusts etc the reply was.....
" Hey that don't sound so good. Guess I'll go someplace else. G'day Sir"
A bemused controller then wasted several minutes trying to raise them again - ah Americans don't you love em!

On a hot still morning,somewhere in the USA when they still flew airliners with DC in front of them. (told to me by the DC3 pilot):p

ATC:'American Airlines flight234' cleared for take off(DC10)
2 mins pass
ATC:'BOAC DC3' cleared for take off
DC3: There will be a short delay(Plummy British Accent)
ATC: What's the problem 'DC3'
DC3: I can't take off, as i can't see the runway due to the smoke from the departing DC10
DC10 pilot(quick as a flash in an american drawl): Well sonny when you're as big as me maybe you can smoke too.

In the olden Daze there was an airport in Northern Canada that had a required ceiling for takeoff. No special VFR allowed either.
One fine day the ceiling was 200ft with a vis of 20 miles plus.
Waiting patiently were 2 Nordair 737s, a small twin and a bunch of helicopters.
The Capt of one of the 737s was the Nordair chief pilot.
The pilot of the twin spent the morning talking up the NORDAIR CP as he had an application in to Nordair.
Finally the FSS operator filled up a balloon, started his stopwatch went outside and released the balloon - imagine our relief when he ( with much winking and nudging ) came out with a special with a ceiling of 500 ft.
The Nordair guys loaded their pax and started up.
The Helicopters got turning and burning.
Meanwhile the twin pilot fired up and taxied out first and departed.
The first 737 was just lining up when:
TwinXXX: ( in a most Capt Hero voice ): "LaGrande, C-GXXX, I just want to advise you that the ceiling on my departure was 200 ft!":8
FSS: (Sarcastically) " Thank you for that call XXX - all a/c be advised ceiling now reported as 200 FT!":{
Nordair YYY: " Nordair YYY returning to the terminal":mad:
Nordair ZZZ: "Nordair ZZZ shutting down":mad:
Helicopter: "C-FFSS Shutting down":mad:
Helicopter: "C-FIBT Shutting down":mad:
Nordair YYY: " C-GXXX - I don't know where you are going but I can advise you that YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO NORDAIR!!!":E

17th/21st Lancers on formal parade. Colonel inspecting the troopers from horseback. Horse lets rip from nether regions, splattering one trooper's best bulled boots with s**t.

Colonel looks down. "I'm terribly sorry about that."

"Oh that's all right sir," replies the trooper, eyes front with a deadpan face and only slightly gritted teeth, "I thought it was the horse."

(Old ones are the best)

Whilst on approach into Cork:

Controller: Descend flight level 80.
Me: Descend 80
Controller: Heading 200, I will be descending you lower before you land.
Me: :confused:

Aussie C130 inbound to USAF base early days of the F117.

USAF ATC " Aussie xxx you are No.2 to an F117 on a 10nm final report sighting."

Aussie C130 (quick as a flash) " Negative sighting, but we have him on radar"

No response from ATC!

In the olden daze again - a Canadian carrier bought a Bristol Freighter.
It eventually trundled into the circuit at Dorval (CYUL.)
TWR: " ABC - say type of a/c"
ABC: " Bristol Freighter"
TWR: " What's that?"
ABC: " A large twin engined cargo a/c"
TWR: " OK, cleared to land, check gear down."
ABC: " Gear down and welded.";)
Our heros land and the TWR takes a good look at the a/c with his binoculars.
TWR: " ABC say again type."
ABC: " A Bristol Freighter. "
TWR: " Did you build it yourself????":eek:

Delta....Tower there is a dead deer on the right hand side of the runway about 1500 feet along the runway.

Tower...Eastern....look out for the dead deer please.

Eastern...Will do Tower...and will notify our catering department.



Or....

Heard on the JFK tower radio:

Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.

Fast Mover, last March.

I'm standing with the FACs, watching them blow large holes in the ground when 4 A10s check in:

"Hello Bruiser 41 flight, this is Sabre 11 requesting CAS etc etc... we are under heavy fire from a crowd 1 km to our west"

"Roger sir, we're overhead at 15k and will be with you in 10 mins"

Sabre11 "Negative, we require immediate support. We are being outgunned and are taking casualties, request you run in now, I'm releasing smoke on my location, enemy 1km West on top of hill etc etc over"

Bruiser 41 "Roger sir, we'll be ready to run in in 10 mins"

Sabre 41 "10 mins. 10 F**king mins!!! I could walk over there and throw a grenade at the w*nkers in that time, F**king hurry up!"

Absolute silence on the net before the A10s rolled in and to be fair, dropped the bombs almost on top of one another.

Allegedly heard at Warton, early 90's. A USAF F15 breaks into the visual circuit, totally unannounced.

USAF F15: "Tower, Bud 11 commin' atcha"

TWR:"Er...roger, Bud 11.....will this be to roll?"

USAF F15: "HELL no, sir......outta gas"

??????

16B

B4 transiting cross-country during the South-East Asian War Games '62-'75 it was necessary to obtain an artillery clearance, normally given as departing a grid location and impacting in a grid location along with a max altitude. B52 bombing sorties were described as "Heavy Artillery" and only the impact grid was given. Newly arrived Crab S/L requested origin of "Heavy artillery" and after significant pause came the one word reply "Guam!".
GAGS
E86

A very good friend of mine is a paramedic on the Air Ambulance.A few years ago the service had the Balkow Helicopter which is German made.

While on a shout one day, they passed nearby to an airshow.

Tower: Helimed 01alpha, be advised a Spitfire has just departed and will be passing left to right 2 miles.

Captains reply: Roger, for christs sake don't tell him we're a Meserschmitt!

Loadmaster Radio call
 

Early 90's , C-130E on descent in to Tullamarine INTL having picked up 60 odd stinking Army Reserve Grunts from a dirt strip....Loadmaster comes up onto the flight deck, plugs into the IP lead and begins his Rant:

"F***king skinking B**tard Grunts, I can't stand it back there any longer..."

Melbourne Approach Controller: "Trojan 026, I take it you have army passengers"

Loady, being a good sort, realises he's screwed the pooch, turns the rotary selector from VHF to INT, grabs his coat & returns aft of the 245!!

from Buchan's line book in the 80's -

AAF taking place in 809 canberra towing a banner -

The usual R/T banter

'Clear Cine'

'In Cine'.....etc

'Clear Hot'

'In Hot'

pause


STOP STOP STOP - Dont shoot at me you c**t


think it was a jag

The R/T message I always remember was addressed to me by Dublin Centre in early 1982 as we were inbound to the Irish Air Corps base Casement.

"Ascot XXXX, contact Irish Military on 120.0 - GOOD LUCK!!"

HKG 10 days ago
 

Hong Kong Approach:

Air India: "I am going to be changing to the Tower now"

ATC (Aussie accent): "No, no mate, stay here with me, Im going to root you around a bit longer"

ATC: "Dragon xxx, turn right heading 340"

Dragonair: "Roger, you arent going to root me too are you?"

* Thankfully he was spent by the time we got our vectors!

Casement
 

Cazatou's post reminded me of a similar exchange last year:

Lead: Casement, xxx formation on handover from Dublin, three ship out of Weston for Collumbuoghlue, 1200'

ATC: Squawk nnnn

Lead: Negative parrot

ATC: What not one bitwe'en tha three a ya's

Lead:'Fraid not

ATC: Cleared, God Bless ya's and Good Luck!

At LHR
BA is holding short for departure, Virgin is holding short as nr 2

Virgin: Tower could you ask BA if we could depart as nr 1, we have a tight slot..
BA: Of course, we'll do anything for a virgin with a tight slot.