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Speedbird, or some such, to Vulcan overtaking at height.
"This is Speedbird . . . what are you doing up there?" "0.84 mach, and you?" |
Flogging down to Dakar at a gentle M0.86 up where the air is rare and the Vickers Funbus likes to play, we hear some low life in a C-130 many miles behind us trying to make contact with Dakar on VHF.
Having tried unsuccessfully ourselves, we know he is miles out of range. Co-pilot (later to become Hero of the Sovietski Soyuz when on C-17s) gives me a knowing look and replies in a very 'African' accent: "Airrcraft ..'lling Dak.., .ay again yourr me.sage" C-130 co-piglet reads out his life history of "Checked this at blah, flight level (something appallingly low), estimate that at blah..." Future C-17 HofSS continues: "Ascot.... this.. .s Dak.r not un.erstan. ...say again" This goes on for about 5 minutes, before future C-17 HofSS finally concludes: "Ascot C-130 calling Dakar, we 'ave message pour vous" "Go ahead" "All Hercules pilots are wan*ers!" |
Once took excruciatingly long message of V-bomber bombscores. The message went on and on at warp speed. Fortunately every 6 sets of diagraphs were code fillers and, not being a fast writer, only wrote down half the message.
After about 5 minutes (it seemed that long) came " . . . over." "Roger, all copied." "Roger, read back." "Errrrrrrrrrrrr" |
Heard on HQPTC/RAFSC 'Quiet frequency' when my instructor was laughing at my aeros sequence(!) in a JP5
"Practice Pan (x3) - CWL xx, Practice pan, JP, 5miles north of Louth blah, simulated engine blah, request steer for Cranwell blah" My Instructor " Roger CWL xx, London Mil, your Practice Pan is acknowledged, steer 380 degrees for Cranwell" "Roger London Mil, turning left 380...................uh?" Sadly for the stude, he never really saw the funny side and eventually got 're-roled'. |
From The Pprune ATC FORUM.
Not sure of the credibility of some of these but here you go anyway. Why let the truth get in the way of a giggle? Allegedly on D&D's frequency some time back... A/C: "London, this is G-xx, solo cross-country, I'm lost and require assistance." D&D: "Roger G-xx. What was the last point at which you were sure of your position?" A/C: "Holding point A1, just before departure..." Lady student, very well spoken, with instructor - "Gxx on final" ATC: "Gxx clear to land runway xx Surface wind etc...." Lady student: "Roger, Gxx cleared to land runway xx, Christ and s**t! I've really made a f...king bollox of this one, it was all going so sodding well, oh well guess you better take control, what a stupid cow I am, you have cont..." (Realises she's still transmitting). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the 60's at a German airfield an un-exploded bomb is dug out of a taxiway during some work. The airfield is closed and all a/c enter the hold. After about 30mins fuel is getting low and a rather pompous BEA skipper is getting agitated. a/c: Can you really give us no idea as to when we can make an approach? It's most inefficient. ATC: Ah yes, but it is not our inefficiency. It is your bomb and it has failed to explode. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234 spit: Sorry sir, negative transponder. radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where Spit says he is, at Spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed. Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lengthy pause). Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Manchester, a winter's night in the early '80s. Approach, to an inbound 1-11:- "Speedbird 123 we've reports of light icing above FL50, severe icing below. Also turbulence, moderate to severe at all levels but particularly bad on final approach with windshear reported. Previous landing aircraft report loss and gain of airspeed in excess of 20 knots on final approach. Visibility is 1200 metres in hail showers. The runway is wet, braking action poor." There was a silence, before Speedbird replied: "Roger all that. You forgot to mention the flak!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATC to female pilot: "Will you take an intermediate departure or do you want the full length?" Female Pilot: "I always take the full length" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATC "Shamrock123 you are number two in traffic" S123 "Roger Surr, is dat number one in front?" At a regional airport a few years ago: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Approach, XYZ request further climb" "XYZ, Negative, maintain your level" This a few more times, then: "Approach, XYZ, if we don't get climb soon we won't be able to make our cruise level." "XYZ, Approach, if you climb now into the opposite direction traffic you won't even make the coast!" "Roger" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Heard recently at a LARS unit... 'G-??, report your point of departure?' Puzzled reply '...to get to XYZ?' A female ATCO ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Hawk 364 have you left my frequency" Hawk 364 "Affirm!!!!" Heard over the Gulf a few years ago ------------------------------------------------------------------------ atc this is c/s - request fl600 reply - Buddy if you can make fl600 it's all yours! Roger - descending fl600 (Guess the aircraft type) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BA 747 has just rolling out after landing at LL from an ILS approach. TWR (trying to be helpful - of course): Just for information, you appeared to be slightly left of the centreline all the way down the approach. BA (after a short pause): Yes that's right, and my First Officer was slightly to the right of it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A hot summer afternoon at LHR in the 70's (or so I was told). Pan-Am 747 struggles off the end of 27R, pops an engine and starts dumping fuel. ATC. I see you have a problem sir but you are not in a fuel dumping area and that's Windsor Castle straight ahead. Pan-AM. Son, do you have a phone?. ATC. Yes. Pan-AM. Well you call the lady and ask her if she wants the fuel or the whole airplane! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Manx Shorts 3-60 at holding point - C172 at intersection reports ready - lady ATCO replies "standby, I've got to get my Shorts off first !" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When asked on UHF if she could get weather for Cardiff & Bristol for mail flights, lady ATCO responded "I've already got Bristol's!" Back in the early 70’s Rhein had a 2 number transponder code with no height readout. (eg 5400) Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350" Rhein "Confirm level?" Phantom 4 confidently "FL350" Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions" Phanton 4 "…..Er Standby" Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)" Phantom 4 "…………….Er Standby" Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS " Phantom 4 " Er…. Oh Sh*t self destruct" Deathly silence. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Late at night, very quiet on the frequency, a/c: God I'm f***ing bored! atc: Who said that? a/c: I'm not that bored ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Remember the clippers? "Clipper 131 you are drifting off to the north, suggest to turn right by 3 degrees" (B727, muttering) "Unable to do such little turns boy!" "Roger, in this case turn right fifteen and turn back twelve!" Only occasion I can remember a controller scoring against a clipper captain.------------------------------------------------------------------------ LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars. USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches. LATCC: Affirm, USAir, descend to altitude 48000 inches. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another on reported a few years back: A USAF C130 at the holding point at EDDF notices that the Lufthansa 747 in the holding bay in front still has the gear pins in place. "DLH xxx, Reach XXX, come up on 123.45" "Ve are German professional pilots and ve do not exchange chit chat on unauthorised frequencies" "Tower, Reach XXX, tell the professional pilot in the big jet that he's still got his landing gear pins in" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When the ATIS was not computerised and a human voice was required... "Aberdeen Approach this is DANAIR F**king 154" "Station calling, say again!" "Aberdeen this is DANAIR F**king 154" "DANAIR 154, Aberdeen, use standard R/T phraseology, pass your message" "I will when you do - listen to the ATIS" ATCO listens to the ATIS, while the weather is being broadcast and in the background, clear as a bell, you can hear "Where's the F**king DAN154?". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Liverpool, 1980's. US Military had some sort of operation at Burtonwood - just off to the north east of the zone....... arriving for an ILS app runway 27, in a King Air, with the callsign "Lord xxx". Cessna 172 (G-MALK was downwind in the visual circuit, doing touch and go's). Instructor in Cessna was monitoring Approach frequency in headset - whilst student and same instructor were working tower on loudspeaker.... Twr: "G-LK, ILS traffic at 5 miles, report traffic in sight." G-LK: "Wilco, G-LK" Pause. G-LK "Hallelujah" Twr: "G-LK, say again???????????" G-LK "I have seen the Lord!!!" |
we hear some low life in a C-130 On another trip though, a funny bloke on a WC-10 ;) at Bahrain in the mid-90s. ATC - GulfAir xxx are you ready to taxi? GAir - Negative, we are just punching some information into our nav kit. ATC - Roger. Ascot xxxx are you ready to taxi Ascot - Negative, we're just punching some information into our navigator. |
Sorry - I meant this particular bloke was a 'low-life' - there was no way he was going to be able to talk to Dakar from the position he stated!
My sympathies to the C-130 force - on another thread AbiW has describes seeing 'Pang' in her swimsuit at Akrotiri :eek: ! A truly terrifying thought - I nearly brought up my early morning cuppa! |
USAF C-5 Galaxy taxing behind a United 747 at Hickham circa 1990.
Tower: "xxxx, caution wake turbulence behind the 7-forty-7" C-5: "Ah.....what is that 7-forty-7 grossing" (obviously trying to prove he's bigger) United: "About $340,000 before tax son, how about you?" |
Good morning to you too!
(05:22 - I hope you're not in UK....) |
A Sea Prince out over the south-west approaches on low-level navigation training in the 70's is heading for the west coast of the Lizard peninsular. The front seat sports a Gannet and helo driver, who is also the RN's mentor for "Cardinal Puff". The student observer is international, in the back and vaguely aware over the intercom that something may not be right.
Captain: 'What is our course and speed?' Student: '090 and 150 knots.' Captain: 'What is our height?' Student: '250 feet.' Captain: 'Give me an update on coasting in and what is the height of land?' Student: '2 miles north of Predannack, 8 miles to run and (after much paper shuffling) 320 feet.' After another long silence, the pilot tried again. Captain: 'We are at 250 feet and the cliffs are two minutes away at 320 feet. What do you want me to do?' A pause then - Student: 'I have the greatest of faith in your ability, Sah.' |
Saturday morning in Palma during the mid-eighties. A row of G reg Boeing 737/757/767's, doors closed, passegers boarded, had been waiting between one and two hours for their slot times to come up. A Lufthansa 737 taxied in, parked and half an hour later called for start clearance, which was given immediately. A very British voice said: "Hey Lufthansa, how did you manage that?" The Lufthansa pilot replied: "We came here yesterday and put our towel on the runway! True story, I was one of those who were twiddling our thumbs.
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Early 1990's. That Hercules with the long red and white nose. Early morning take off from Wick up in the North of Jockistan.
Airfield is on top of a cliff, and flight plan called for take off and imediate descent to 50ft agl over the sea. Just prior to take off Nav pipes up that perhaps we should tell ATC that once we were off the ground we would descend, not climb as the ATCO may just panic to see large aircraft tuck its wheels up, then dissapear over the cliff. Wick Tower MetMan xx just to confirm that on take off we will descend to 50 ft. Long Pause MetManxx Wick, er Descend (????) to What Height ?!?!?!?!? :eek: :eek: :eek: |
Hi all
Was once behind an aircraft at the hold when ATC had closed thinking why the hell isnt he lining up when he calls (i'll spare callsigns 4 embarrasment) '**** there appearse to be a model a/c on the approach quite low to the ground out of control'. The reply to which was...'yes this is helimed** out of control on the approach to 24'. The stick he got after...well you can imagine! |
<<LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.
USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches. LATCC: Affirm, USAir, descend to altitude 48000 inches.>> And ATC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars. USAir female pilot: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches. Unknown c/s: Give it to her slow, inch by inch. ------------------------------------------------------- And 2 201 Sqn Nimrods, unpopular AEO heard on freq: Other Nimrod chimes in “Falcon 21” whereupon AEO responds “Falcon 21 pass your message” Back on the sqn, in Ops, a large poster with the decode of Falcon 21 greets AEO on landing. Vulcan, en route El Adem, AEO having handled all the radios over France, Malta etc, calls up El Adem and asks for the weather. Copilot, having called El Adem on the other box, quick as a flash, broadcasts the El Adem weather to the AEO. “This is El Adem, read back correct.” DOH |
Years ago at a secret location in warwickshire a tv crew installed a set in a field in order to make a popular run of childrens programmes. Heard one day "Golf India Delta - Tellytubbies for rejoin" thinking how witty he was.
To which Jonathan(ATCO) instantly replied "Ehhh Ohhh India Delta join for 18 Left". |
JAL flight somewhere over Scotland cleared direct POL; "Dilect whea?" "PoleHill POL" "Say again" "POL" "Solly, not unnerstan." "American voice, "Makes you wonder how they found Pearl Harbor."
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At the end of a trans Pacific sector enroute to Honolulu, a Japanair DC8 is told to call Hawaii Control on VHF. After establishing VHF contact the F/O presses the transmit button and says respectfully: "Hawaii Control, Japanair 842 request permission to land Hickham."
"Japanair 842, you will be in landing at Honolulu International, Hickham is the Air Force Base." "Japanair 842, request land Hickham." "Japanair 842, I say again, you are a commercial flight and will be landing at Honolulu International. Same airport different, different side." A long silence followed, then: "Japanair 842, request permission land Hickham, cannot say Horrorrurru!" |
1955, near Feltwell,I once heard a fellow (Piston) Provost course trainee call "Switching to 121.5 for Practice Pan"; knowing there was a Royal Flight on at the time, I switched too, just out of interest. The conversation went:
"Practice Pan, Practice Pan,Practice Pan,this is XXXX" "XXXX this is XXXX Centre, there is a Royal Flight, no Practice Pans permitted" "XXXX Roger................Practice Mayday, Practice Mayday,Practice Mayday." _________________________________________________________ Years later in a Valley Gnat, on TR&G heard a Navy Hunter near Brawdy: "Mayday, Mayday,Mayday, this is XXXX" "Mayday aircraft this is XXXX your position is XXXX, what is the nature of your emergency, can you maintain altitude?" "XXXX this is XXXX, the Mayday's not for me, it's for him". Turned out to be an ACM exercise & the leader of the pair had ejected] |
English accent from light aircraft calls Ediburgh, to request permission to cross zone.
"Callsign XXX Roger, report passing Loch Leven" "Say again reporting point" "Loch Leven" Say again reporting point" "The big lake in Fife" |
Mr Pontius
I'm all for funny stories and keeping them short to maintain the comedic impact but your last story about Nimrod AEOs made absolutely b@gger all sense to me. Maybe we could have it translated, or perhaps I'm just not used to listening to Navigators!
BV:E |
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