Confectionery Technician
 

Just tell the assembled throng you work evenings as a fudge packer.

Then stand back and watch to see who clicks on....:D

Ive told girls that im a "Dolphin Trainer" too but if you follow it with "im here on a conversion course for whales" it always goes down well. Unless you are miles from the coast. It didnt work in Lincoln but it did get me talking to my Ex Girlfriend (she didnt know she was to become my ex at that time).

My mate always tells girls that he is a hairdresser. They think its so cool and they tell him everything just like they tell their hairdressers. They also give him their number so he can go round and do their hair.

Ive also been part of the Honda rally car team. I do the front left wheel and everyone else has a corner or fuel or something. Goes down well especially with the big Honda plant in Swindon! If they dont believe you then tell them thats its actually the Skoda team and they usually belive you.

This topic is so funny! Keep it up guys!

:D :ok:

Iceberg Welder
 

Due to the ever rising levels of pollution coming from World Industries and America in particular, the temperature of our Oceans is rising each year. This is having a huge impact on the shipping industries. As the sea warms, Icebergs melt and drift into shipping lanes.

My job is to 'catch' these Icebergs and tow them back to the Ice caps, once there to weld them back together. If they were to be left a-drift in the oceans they would drift into the shipping lanes and cause catastrophic damage to the hulls of super tanks and transport vessels.
:cool:

For a while, I was a member of the 'Gingaloni Brothers', a travelling acrobatic team.

One barmaid asked us why we all looked different if we were brothers? "Same mother, different fathers" came the reply. "Oh" she said!

"Then why do you all have moustaches (It was a few years ago!) except for him?" she asked, pointing at the only one who was clean shaven.

"He's not a real brother, he married into the act".

(There was a navigator on an OCU who would arrive in the bar on Friday happy hours horizontally at head height through the double doors having been launched by his mates in the corridor outside after a long run up!)

I have also been a dolphin tainer, a fence erector (complete with flying officers who zoom about checking up on us as we erect fences), an interpreter for a visiting Eastern European delegation (I could bluff my way in a totally unintelligible language which I made up as I went along ably assisted by a mate who caught on quick and replied in same!), a pilot ( it worked!) and a digital indicator operator ( a finger-pointer!).

All these only work if you have briefed the team beforehand. I have been the only member of the Gingaloni Brothers in a group of road graders! ("That one is a 5,....that one's only a 2 etc, etc)

In the States we used to say that we were nuclear submarine captains. I never understood why we didn't just tell them that we were fighter pilots, which we were. The results would have been the same - some successes, some failures, and even the failures would have counted as successes because 'I didn't want the cross-eyed old dog near my **** anyway!'.

I never had the guts to try the post-rebuttal ego recovery technique of stepping back sharply and shouting loudly enough for all her friends to hear 'What do you mean f*** off!' Has a certain charm about it, don't you think? :E

Always liked M ilitary U nderwater F ire F ighter........................aka MUFF Diver

;)

If that's too obvious - "I work in a shoelace factory attaching the flugelbinders":cool:

Primate Disciplinarian
 

Keeper In Charge of Primate Discipline at Edinburgh Zoo (aka Monkey Spanker) usually sparks a short conversation. It only backfires when speaking to the dungaree-wearers outside Greenham Common / Huntingdon Institute etc. Some folks have no sense of humour!:p

Crikey, Shiny, when did you last go to Greenham Common? it's....just a common, now. Are there any dungaree wearers still peeing in the hedge? Didn't see any a couple of weeks ago.

I know a market stall trader who used to say he was a diesel fitter. On a Saturday he held up a large pair of women's knickers and shouted "diesel fitter".....

A mate once told a group of ladies I was a gynaecologist - until I got struck off. They were all intrigued......exactly why had I.....? :E

Have tried a few, fnaagh, fnaagh,
Trouble was in the King's Arms, York and DRI, S Yorks they always seemed to know the pre-start checks betterer than wot I did!!!

Load Movin' baby.......

I have just finished a career as a bottom polisher. The main reason for the career change is that Kylie kept me so busy I hadnt time for any social life. My wife was also getting fed up with the hours I used to spend each day ensuring that Kylie's bum was alway in pristine condition. I hope you guys appreciate all the work us unsung heroes do behind the scenes.

BFB

I was a victim of one of these clever ice breaking chat up lines only the other day.

This was said with a straight face -

'I'm the SF Squipper'

Translation...

I am the Special Forces Safety Equipment Fitter

He may have gone on to relate how he had changed Night Vision Goggle batteries under fire, but I'm afraid I lost interest. :8

If you really want to get the girls talking - I have used a great chat up line in the past (nicked from someone..but v funny).. Say you work for British Nuclear Fuels and are surveying an area off the coast/in some waste ground near the town you are in, as a possible future dumping ground for nuclear waste. They really love you for this one. Drop in such lines as "The containers are guaranteed not to leak for at least 25 years - so you'll be fine. Your children may notice the effects though" and watch them fall in love...

LK

Dolphin Trainer never fails !!!!!

After a few lines about wet suites , dolphin pools , recurent training in Florida and of course how cute they are and its better than working for a living. One can cut to the chase of how see likes her eggs in the morning.

Also for those tight spots were your miles from any water. The plane that was flying you and fliper to sea world went Mechanical !!!! Because there sure as hell is an airport near by.

Used to use The Aqua dozer driver line but with extensive testing through BFT found Dolphins work best.

Now that I live in canada the only draw back is I can only hunt as the long time girl friend will not give me a licence to kill within the city limits of course:)

One on from the Lighthouse keeper is the Lighthouse Inspector (gives you sense of authority) - No of steps, flashes per sec etc. Works a treat in Bangor Maine but not so useful in Utah, although it still led to success using the logic: "There must be one as there are no shipwrecks around here"

Some guy (blonde's brother) in Lincoln (not the one in Nebraska) had always wanted to be a lighthouse keeper and wanted to know how to break into the field. His sister was very grateful for me promising him an introduction.........told him to get the RNLI's number out of Yellow Pages and take it from there!!

assasin always works. tell her your casing the joint, buy a pintof lager and black and heaven awaits.

providing she understands english........

isitd:ok:

Whilst holding at the Air Historical Branch, used to freelance as the MD of EuroDolphin Japes and Fun. All parties, BBQs and Bar Mitzvahs catered for...contact the boys who do it better and wetter. I still have one of the old business cards somewhere...!

I have very occasionally claimed to be a danger midwife- my job is to go and assist women who go into labour in dangerous locations, such as cliff faces, caves etc. If challenged that there can't be very many women who get into such situations while heavily pregnant, I can reply "That's true, that's why there are so few of us, I am on 24 hour standby to travel anywhere within a 200 mile radius."
Anytime I am out with my (non-flying) mates, of course, it's all academic. THEY tell everyone within earshot that I'm a pilot before I have the chance to say anything else! :rolleyes:

Told somebody that:

I had spent 12 Hours being lectured by RAF Reg.

4 Hours sorting out medical admin.

2 Hours ensuring admin, admin was in order(Pay book etc- been in for 25yrs+ and never, ever used one).

'They' thought I was an Admin Sec Off.

Nope.

I is NPA ( Non-Pilot Aircew - I am showing affinity with our Non-Commisiond Aircrew chaps).

Trying my best to go on det.

Why oh why has it all got so difficult.

When I was a lad WE were responsible for ensuring we, as aircrew, were medically fit, jabbed up, had all we needed (Amex card and letter of auth) to go any where in the world.

Now it would appear others have that responsability and ensure we have to endure undue extras admin burden to prove it.

I have wasted valuable time - fighting the admin burden - when I should have been planning my mission.

Sorry if I sound bitter and twisted.................but I am.

Phoney,

I like it, the old and classic moan and groan method!!

Got to ask though mate, did you pull using this one??


:= :=

Penguin Psychologist worked well for me once.

Managed to keep going for about half an hour about how their huddling instinct means that those in the middle of the huddles starved to death, and I had to train them out of it. Unbelievably, it worked!

My mate was backing me up as a Snake Dentist, something about the poison rotting their fangs....