I Wish I Hadn't Said That Vol II...
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I Wish I Hadn't Said That Vol II...
FRY RAF heli-det sometime in the 90s, feeding time in the canteen.
The Padre happens to be sitting alone eating his food.
'Jovial' crewman known for putting his foot in it walks by and makes conversation...
Crewman: "Hi Padre, I thought you'd 've been round to see us by now!"
Padre: "And what the **** have you done to help?"
The Padre happens to be sitting alone eating his food.
'Jovial' crewman known for putting his foot in it walks by and makes conversation...
Crewman: "Hi Padre, I thought you'd 've been round to see us by now!"
Padre: "And what the **** have you done to help?"
PPRuNe Engineering Dept Apprentice
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2/3 months ago, the whole Iraq thing's going on and there's a bomb scare on an American airliner that landed at Shannon. Emergencyy service worker decides to call a freind of mine (his freind as well.), who's just after finishing a 32-hour shift (health service) an hour before, and is trying to get some sleep. Said freind falls around room trying to find mobile (messy room, and aforementioned lack of sleep.) Really pissed off.
"T**,T**, it's me B***"
"What the f***'s wrong wit ya?"
"There's a bomb on the plane."
"Wha? which plane?"
"The American one. it's on the news."
"Well, uh, yeah, I know that, there's more than one bomb, like, there's hundreds. They'll be dropping them......."
[edited to insert correct(ish) quote
"T**,T**, it's me B***"
"What the f***'s wrong wit ya?"
"There's a bomb on the plane."
"Wha? which plane?"
"The American one. it's on the news."
"Well, uh, yeah, I know that, there's more than one bomb, like, there's hundreds. They'll be dropping them......."
[edited to insert correct(ish) quote
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During Op Sharpguard based in Sicily. Driving to the airfield one morning we get stuck behind a Fiat 126, doing 2 mph. There is an elderly gentleman sat in the back, having followed the car for a good 10 mins, said elderly gentleman has not moved at all. Someone in our car asks whether the old ****** is still alive or not? To which our driver (Gerbs, Sorry mate), replies hang on I'll get a little closer, if I stick 6 inches up his arse I might get a reaction......
Here are a couple from my former life as an RAF Police Dog Handler, all at a base in North Yorkshire. Oddly enough, they all involve conversations with OC Police.
OC Police: Those bloody Bulldogs have been low flying all day.
Me: Yes Maam, they have to.
OC Police: Yes, training I suppose.
Me: No, landing.
OC Police: Oh !
OC Police: What time does the 24 hour vending area close?
Me: Err?
This was on my break on a long set of boring nights on a Taceval
OC Police: Would you like a coffee before you go back on patrol?
Me: No thanks maam, coffee will keep me awake to the end of shift.
OC Police: Tea then?
Me:?
OC Police: Those bloody Bulldogs have been low flying all day.
Me: Yes Maam, they have to.
OC Police: Yes, training I suppose.
Me: No, landing.
OC Police: Oh !
OC Police: What time does the 24 hour vending area close?
Me: Err?
This was on my break on a long set of boring nights on a Taceval
OC Police: Would you like a coffee before you go back on patrol?
Me: No thanks maam, coffee will keep me awake to the end of shift.
OC Police: Tea then?
Me:?
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Crew room , several people moaning about the poor quality of the Mess Draw prizes:
Whinger A - "...they could have got something a bit better, how about a Waaf's bike saddle?"
Whinger B - "...a prize not to be sniffed at."
Whinger A - "...they could have got something a bit better, how about a Waaf's bike saddle?"
Whinger B - "...a prize not to be sniffed at."
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During a night stop at West Palm Beach after dropping off a load for the Royal Navy a C130 crew enter a very quiet bar downtown. After the first beer:
Navigator: "Excuse me, can you tell me where the Gents are please?"
Barman: "Don't you worry Sir, they'll be here shortly... "
Navigator: "Excuse me, can you tell me where the Gents are please?"
Barman: "Don't you worry Sir, they'll be here shortly... "
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Dicky Pig! Good to see your not wasting your time.
Again one det in Sicilly, crew lounging by the pool at the Bia Verde (sp see me) after a hard nights flight. EXTREMELY religious co-pilot reading bible (out loud) when out strolls DICKY PIG, wanders up to Co-P and says:
"C*@p book that, naff ending, bloke dies!"
Crew bursts into fits of giggles
Co-Pilot storms off ranting and raving something about infidells
Mortified Silence
Dicky Pig gets his coat
Again one det in Sicilly, crew lounging by the pool at the Bia Verde (sp see me) after a hard nights flight. EXTREMELY religious co-pilot reading bible (out loud) when out strolls DICKY PIG, wanders up to Co-P and says:
"C*@p book that, naff ending, bloke dies!"
Crew bursts into fits of giggles
Co-Pilot storms off ranting and raving something about infidells
Mortified Silence
Dicky Pig gets his coat
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Apologies if it's cropped up before...
Oct 02. Major in Parachute Regt, boss of Resident Infantry Company in FI, is invited to COS's house (Gp Capt, 2 i/c FI) for dinner with other heads of sheds. Has a few and then invites Mrs COS to partake in 'spit-roast', together with Mr COS. Mrs COS didn't know what a 'spit-roast' was, but her husband certainly did!
Major was not overly popular with the heirarchy after that... He was invited to leave the FI together with another Major a few weeks later, after he and she were discovered by the PMC having sex up against the Officers' Mess bar during the course of a dining-in night. The fact that the bar was fully occupied at the time hadn't stopped them getting it on...
Official reason for his departure (as given by CBFFI, naval Commodore) was that his actions meant that he could no longer command the respect of his troops... Absolutely top bloke mind you, and much respect for him from people below the rank of Commodore!
SBW
Oct 02. Major in Parachute Regt, boss of Resident Infantry Company in FI, is invited to COS's house (Gp Capt, 2 i/c FI) for dinner with other heads of sheds. Has a few and then invites Mrs COS to partake in 'spit-roast', together with Mr COS. Mrs COS didn't know what a 'spit-roast' was, but her husband certainly did!
Major was not overly popular with the heirarchy after that... He was invited to leave the FI together with another Major a few weeks later, after he and she were discovered by the PMC having sex up against the Officers' Mess bar during the course of a dining-in night. The fact that the bar was fully occupied at the time hadn't stopped them getting it on...
Official reason for his departure (as given by CBFFI, naval Commodore) was that his actions meant that he could no longer command the respect of his troops... Absolutely top bloke mind you, and much respect for him from people below the rank of Commodore!
SBW
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Not particularly relevant to this forum, but nevertheless I’m hoping some of you will feel some solidarity with me for this.
No 1.
Used to work for a very large US carrier, flying on standby out of SFO about a year ago. 20 seconds or so after taking off there is very bad burning smell. Cabin crew out of jump seats, looking very worried etc. Burning smell gets worse. “Oh, going down then” say I. Yes, it was a joke. Unfortunately the pax didn’t think so.
No 2.
Different job. Preparing a briefing for a very, very, very senior member of the cabinet (as he’s called). Half an hour before the deadline things are not going well. Effing and blinding away at the people contributing to the briefing. Laughter begins. “What the f@*k are you b@*****s laughing at!” Some kind soul began pointing at me. I didn’t take the hint. And gave off at him as well. When I did look behind me, the very, very, very senior member of the cabinet was indeed standing there. I have been promoted since though…
No 1.
Used to work for a very large US carrier, flying on standby out of SFO about a year ago. 20 seconds or so after taking off there is very bad burning smell. Cabin crew out of jump seats, looking very worried etc. Burning smell gets worse. “Oh, going down then” say I. Yes, it was a joke. Unfortunately the pax didn’t think so.
No 2.
Different job. Preparing a briefing for a very, very, very senior member of the cabinet (as he’s called). Half an hour before the deadline things are not going well. Effing and blinding away at the people contributing to the briefing. Laughter begins. “What the f@*k are you b@*****s laughing at!” Some kind soul began pointing at me. I didn’t take the hint. And gave off at him as well. When I did look behind me, the very, very, very senior member of the cabinet was indeed standing there. I have been promoted since though…
Many moons ago at the HQ of the North Devon Air Force (before it closed the first time) I was a junior airman who was wandering the corridors of power in the hut that passed for SHQ, when I spotted the SWO's office door. It bore a sign saying 'W.O. XXXX BEM. Now in those days, if you wanted to sign out a station bicycle, of the mechanical and not WRAF type, you did so from the SWO.
I enquired of my mate "Do you suppose BEM stands for Bicycle Emporium Manager?" when the office door swung very slowly open to reveal said SWO in full no.1, cap on, pace stick in hand, just about to leave. He didn't laugh and I had a haircut a week for a month.
I enquired of my mate "Do you suppose BEM stands for Bicycle Emporium Manager?" when the office door swung very slowly open to reveal said SWO in full no.1, cap on, pace stick in hand, just about to leave. He didn't laugh and I had a haircut a week for a month.
Worried Sqn Cdr concerned that some big wig is due to fly in one of his ancient Vickers SuperFunbus tankers is pi$$ing everybody off as he complains about dust, grubby baldrick finger prints, etc, etc. He then ordains that no-one must use the (only) loo in the thing in order that it should stay clean for The Great Man.
A few minutes before He is due, RFK, that well known Irish ex-Lightning pilot, sticks his head round the loo door and exclaims "Jeezus. Look what some dirt $od has done in here...." Boss comes storming down the aisle wearing his best worried frown - and sees a large turd on the loo flap. As he stands rooted to the spot with rage RFK says "No worries, sir, I'll sort it" - grabs it, stuffs it in his flying suit pocket and wanders off with a knowing grin on his mug....
Amazing how convincing a bit of plastic dog poo blue-tacked to the bog looks when liberally doused in orange juice concentrate. Fortunately the boss, also Irish, saw the funny side. Eventually....
A few minutes before He is due, RFK, that well known Irish ex-Lightning pilot, sticks his head round the loo door and exclaims "Jeezus. Look what some dirt $od has done in here...." Boss comes storming down the aisle wearing his best worried frown - and sees a large turd on the loo flap. As he stands rooted to the spot with rage RFK says "No worries, sir, I'll sort it" - grabs it, stuffs it in his flying suit pocket and wanders off with a knowing grin on his mug....
Amazing how convincing a bit of plastic dog poo blue-tacked to the bog looks when liberally doused in orange juice concentrate. Fortunately the boss, also Irish, saw the funny side. Eventually....
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Been browsing this forum for weeks - finally had to register because of this thread!
BEagle you mentioned WO Garbutt in Vol I. Wonder if you remember Sgt Les Rodda (B Sqn DI). Addressing Flt Cdt Joe Bloggs during Ferris drill competitioin practice:
LR " Mistah f@@@@@g Bloggs why the f@@@@@g h... arent you swinging your f@@@@@g arms shoulder f@@@@@g high front and f@@@@@g rear on my f@@@@@g parade Sah!!?"
JB " I'm a little stiff from Rugby Sarge"
LR "I dont give a f@@k where you come from Sah! swing your f@@@@@g arms .................."
BEagle you mentioned WO Garbutt in Vol I. Wonder if you remember Sgt Les Rodda (B Sqn DI). Addressing Flt Cdt Joe Bloggs during Ferris drill competitioin practice:
LR " Mistah f@@@@@g Bloggs why the f@@@@@g h... arent you swinging your f@@@@@g arms shoulder f@@@@@g high front and f@@@@@g rear on my f@@@@@g parade Sah!!?"
JB " I'm a little stiff from Rugby Sarge"
LR "I dont give a f@@k where you come from Sah! swing your f@@@@@g arms .................."
Dear old 'Uncle Les' Rodda! What a great chap. Not the world's brightest, perhaps, but a tremendous character.
Another time on the JMPG drill square one of my fellow 99 B Flt Cdts asked to leave the square early so that he could grab lunch before going to an away match with the rugby 15...
Les affected a posh accent and exclaimed "Oh f*ck me gently, Mr ****** Sir. We're playing rugby this afternoon, are we? Well of course we'll have to f*ck off early to our luncheon, else we'll have f*ck all to puke up when we're kicked in our f*cking nuts, will we?" But said Flt Cdt was indeed excused early....
I once moved about a millisecond too slowly on the parade ground for Mr Garbutt's liking. "SGT RODDA - THAT MAN THERE- PUT HIM IN THE BOOK!" bellowed Mr G. That usually meant even more embug.gerances than usual - involving extra parades several times a day... But fortunately, Les was rather a pragmatic chap "Right Sir, I've got 'is name" he yelled back, then whispered to me "Or you can do my phone book amendments if you'd prefer, sir".
Such was the character of the drill instructors in those days - and I'll never forget how he gave 5 of us a lift all the way to Grantham station at the end of our first term when he realised that the taxis were late and we'd probably miss the London train. I expect it was something he did for 'his' cadets quite often in his kindly way. I hope he had a long and happy retirement.
PS - you're not W J 'Bill' K**** are you?
Another time on the JMPG drill square one of my fellow 99 B Flt Cdts asked to leave the square early so that he could grab lunch before going to an away match with the rugby 15...
Les affected a posh accent and exclaimed "Oh f*ck me gently, Mr ****** Sir. We're playing rugby this afternoon, are we? Well of course we'll have to f*ck off early to our luncheon, else we'll have f*ck all to puke up when we're kicked in our f*cking nuts, will we?" But said Flt Cdt was indeed excused early....
I once moved about a millisecond too slowly on the parade ground for Mr Garbutt's liking. "SGT RODDA - THAT MAN THERE- PUT HIM IN THE BOOK!" bellowed Mr G. That usually meant even more embug.gerances than usual - involving extra parades several times a day... But fortunately, Les was rather a pragmatic chap "Right Sir, I've got 'is name" he yelled back, then whispered to me "Or you can do my phone book amendments if you'd prefer, sir".
Such was the character of the drill instructors in those days - and I'll never forget how he gave 5 of us a lift all the way to Grantham station at the end of our first term when he realised that the taxis were late and we'd probably miss the London train. I expect it was something he did for 'his' cadets quite often in his kindly way. I hope he had a long and happy retirement.
PS - you're not W J 'Bill' K**** are you?
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Blimey, BEags, didnt expect to be rumbled quite so soon!
Posted to RAF Leuchars as a Fg Off. Knocked on MT WO's office door holding blue arrival chit - "come in"- opened door, stepped in, tripped over carpet - landed on my knees in front of WO's desk holding blue chit in the air. WO gazed down from behind his desk at Fg Off kneeling in front of him with blue chit and said "You know, Sir, I think you and I are going to get on" and of course we did. Sorry bit off thread!
Posted to RAF Leuchars as a Fg Off. Knocked on MT WO's office door holding blue arrival chit - "come in"- opened door, stepped in, tripped over carpet - landed on my knees in front of WO's desk holding blue chit in the air. WO gazed down from behind his desk at Fg Off kneeling in front of him with blue chit and said "You know, Sir, I think you and I are going to get on" and of course we did. Sorry bit off thread!
Short Blunt Shock
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Many moons ago, in EFT Ops room....
QFI: "Wx just cleared, Bloggs, you got any solos to do?"
Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (heavy cold)
QFI: "Don't worry, son, we'll teach you......"
QFI: "Wx just cleared, Bloggs, you got any solos to do?"
Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (heavy cold)
QFI: "Don't worry, son, we'll teach you......"
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More of a 'I wish I had said that' story....
During the Second Gulf War, tactical callsigns were chosen by a cell in the CAOC manned by Americans, whose understanding of the finer points of British-English was somewhat limited. Thus it was that an unfortunate pair of Harrier pilots one night had to fly around with the callsign 'Bender 31'.
My E-3D crew was very grateful for the enjoyment created, particularly when the AAR controller made the call of the war to a Tornado:
"Your tanker is 230/40 at FL220 with the two Benders in behind!"
During the Second Gulf War, tactical callsigns were chosen by a cell in the CAOC manned by Americans, whose understanding of the finer points of British-English was somewhat limited. Thus it was that an unfortunate pair of Harrier pilots one night had to fly around with the callsign 'Bender 31'.
My E-3D crew was very grateful for the enjoyment created, particularly when the AAR controller made the call of the war to a Tornado:
"Your tanker is 230/40 at FL220 with the two Benders in behind!"
