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Thought I'd start a thread on quick retorts that you may have heard in the past, you know, those ones that make you wish you were as sharp witted as the person who said it. Don't know if something like this has been posted in the past. If it has, sorry, i'll get me coat.
Here's 2 of my favourites for starters.....
FJ Squadron sitting in on a brief by one of the shags. He's talking about Heaters and how to defeat them...
Shag: So you get threatened by a heater...You need to start thinking about self-defence......the best thing to do is put the sun between yourself and the missile.....
QWI sitting on back row: F@ck me, we'll need tanker support for that one!
And the second.......
3 sqn shags havin a lager in the O'Mess. One of them's been on leave and not bothered to shave, one of the 2 has amazingly long, fashionable, side-burns. OCU Boss, who's a bit of an 'old-fashioned' (on with the hessian underwear) type comes in the bar....
Boss: You may be on leave, but I expect to see you clean shaven when you enter a public room in the Mess.
Un-shaven Bloke: Righty oh Sir, I shall step to it interfrastically.
Boss (turning to other shag): .....And the last time I saw sideburns like that was on a faggot...
Other Shag (turns to Boss): Good night was it Sir?!
Please stick in your own memories of sharp retorts.....Alternatively, just don't bother........
Here's 2 of my favourites for starters.....
FJ Squadron sitting in on a brief by one of the shags. He's talking about Heaters and how to defeat them...
Shag: So you get threatened by a heater...You need to start thinking about self-defence......the best thing to do is put the sun between yourself and the missile.....
QWI sitting on back row: F@ck me, we'll need tanker support for that one!
And the second.......
3 sqn shags havin a lager in the O'Mess. One of them's been on leave and not bothered to shave, one of the 2 has amazingly long, fashionable, side-burns. OCU Boss, who's a bit of an 'old-fashioned' (on with the hessian underwear) type comes in the bar....
Boss: You may be on leave, but I expect to see you clean shaven when you enter a public room in the Mess.
Un-shaven Bloke: Righty oh Sir, I shall step to it interfrastically.
Boss (turning to other shag): .....And the last time I saw sideburns like that was on a faggot...
Other Shag (turns to Boss): Good night was it Sir?!
Please stick in your own memories of sharp retorts.....Alternatively, just don't bother........
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Sort of 'on thread'
A certain Senior Pilot I once served with, when he was carrying out Fish-head time driving a smally warry;
One morning alongside,when the Capts Steward opened the door with the tea, on seeing the extra lump under the covers and the ladies wooden leg under the bed, "Will that be two cups of tea then Sir?"
Of course, the obligatory question from the observer- 'Whats the Fuel?'(state)Answer- AVCAT...
Very old one- What's the wind?
A.Movement of air from high to low pressure influenced by geostrophic and cyclostrophic forces, and a bit of coriolis, but that's not important right now....
I did once get 'Negative the pattern is full' from an air trafficer once, really rather sad and pathetic!
A certain Senior Pilot I once served with, when he was carrying out Fish-head time driving a smally warry;
One morning alongside,when the Capts Steward opened the door with the tea, on seeing the extra lump under the covers and the ladies wooden leg under the bed, "Will that be two cups of tea then Sir?"
Of course, the obligatory question from the observer- 'Whats the Fuel?'(state)Answer- AVCAT...
Very old one- What's the wind?
A.Movement of air from high to low pressure influenced by geostrophic and cyclostrophic forces, and a bit of coriolis, but that's not important right now....
I did once get 'Negative the pattern is full' from an air trafficer once, really rather sad and pathetic!
Lupus Domesticus
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Nothing to do with the forum, but a good 'un nonetheless...
The situation: Australia are playing cricket against Zimbabwe. The usual sledging is in full swing.
A somewhat corpulent Zimbabwean batsman is facing up.
Australian bowler: "Why are you so fat?"
Zimbabwean batsman: "Because every time I fvuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
The situation: Australia are playing cricket against Zimbabwe. The usual sledging is in full swing.
A somewhat corpulent Zimbabwean batsman is facing up.
Australian bowler: "Why are you so fat?"
Zimbabwean batsman: "Because every time I fvuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
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Since BlueWolf brought up the cricket, here's a couple of crackers courtesy of a BBC article:
In Adelaide - the location of the third Ashes Test - in 1991, the master sledger Merv Hughes told Javed Miandad who was speaking in Urdu to talk English.
Javed then reportedly told Hughes he was a "fat bus conductor".
Hughes then gave Javed what one commentator called "a ferocious delivery", which got him out. "Tickets, please," Hughes called out as Javed headed back to the pavilion.
Hughes was also involved in a celebrated exchange with Robin Smith at Lord's in 1989, when he told Smith: "You can't f***ing bat." Smith then clouted the next ball and told Hughes: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."
In Adelaide - the location of the third Ashes Test - in 1991, the master sledger Merv Hughes told Javed Miandad who was speaking in Urdu to talk English.
Javed then reportedly told Hughes he was a "fat bus conductor".
Hughes then gave Javed what one commentator called "a ferocious delivery", which got him out. "Tickets, please," Hughes called out as Javed headed back to the pavilion.
Hughes was also involved in a celebrated exchange with Robin Smith at Lord's in 1989, when he told Smith: "You can't f***ing bat." Smith then clouted the next ball and told Hughes: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."
Young sailor on one of HM flatops with feet on table, is spotted by pimply subby Who asks "do you sit with your feet on the table at home?" to which the reply is "no but I dont have jets landing on my roof either" 
Famous RAF engineering base in South Wales in the mid 1970s. Staish was a 41-year-old Air Cdre, a jock (although he could equally well have been from another planet) and the World's worst after dinner speaker.
Fifteen minutes into his mumbling address at a dining-in night the younger chaps were getting restless and starting to make a bit of a disturbance at the Mr Vice end of one of the tables. Eventually noticing this said Staish, summoning up his most authoritative voice, bellowed "Excuse me, can everyone hear me?"
Young WRAF officer sitting next to me immediately retorted at full volume "I can, sir, but I'd willingly swap places with someone who can't!".
Fifteen minutes into his mumbling address at a dining-in night the younger chaps were getting restless and starting to make a bit of a disturbance at the Mr Vice end of one of the tables. Eventually noticing this said Staish, summoning up his most authoritative voice, bellowed "Excuse me, can everyone hear me?"
Young WRAF officer sitting next to me immediately retorted at full volume "I can, sir, but I'd willingly swap places with someone who can't!".
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Scene, the bridge of a USN destroyer during fleet maneuvers. There is a US congressman aboard as a distinguished observer. After some dodgy seamanship to recover and stow the helo a signalman appears on the bridge with a flimsy in his hand.
Sigs: Message from the admiral sir!
Capt: Read it to me.
Sigs: Sir, I don't think...
Capt: Nonsense my boy, read it out loud.
Sigs: What the h*ll do you think you are doing you idiot? You almost rammed the flagship.
Capt: Very well, take that below and have it decoded.
Sigs: Message from the admiral sir!
Capt: Read it to me.
Sigs: Sir, I don't think...
Capt: Nonsense my boy, read it out loud.
Sigs: What the h*ll do you think you are doing you idiot? You almost rammed the flagship.
Capt: Very well, take that below and have it decoded.
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Again, not quite on thread but:-
Many years ago I found a small book, in the public library, of humorous Naval signals. The one which sticks in my mind is as follows. Two ships performing dashing manoevres and one cuts across astern the other. Unfortunately the amount of dash just exceeded the amount of skill and there was a slight bending of rails on the stern of the leading ship. A signal was immediately sent which read,`If you touch me there again, I`ll scream.`
I`m sure someone out there knows this book, if you can track it down it`s well worth a read.
Mike W
Many years ago I found a small book, in the public library, of humorous Naval signals. The one which sticks in my mind is as follows. Two ships performing dashing manoevres and one cuts across astern the other. Unfortunately the amount of dash just exceeded the amount of skill and there was a slight bending of rails on the stern of the leading ship. A signal was immediately sent which read,`If you touch me there again, I`ll scream.`
I`m sure someone out there knows this book, if you can track it down it`s well worth a read.
Mike W
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a little addition to Good Mickey's one from earlier:
How about replies from chat up lines..?
Q. How would you like your eggs in the morning?
A. Unfertilized!!
Comeback: That's ok. I can shoot my load up your ar$e.
How about replies from chat up lines..?
Q. How would you like your eggs in the morning?
A. Unfertilized!!
Comeback: That's ok. I can shoot my load up your ar$e.
I do so appreciate the culture of our ex-convicts!
On another tack, shortly after the world's most tedious and political after dinner speech at RAF Abingdon given by some boring engineer Air Commode, a clear, still voice was heard to say:" That was a Partly Political Broadcast from the Ar$elicking Party - it can be heard later tonight on BBC2!"
Said Air Commode was hugely peed off!
On another tack, shortly after the world's most tedious and political after dinner speech at RAF Abingdon given by some boring engineer Air Commode, a clear, still voice was heard to say:" That was a Partly Political Broadcast from the Ar$elicking Party - it can be heard later tonight on BBC2!"
Said Air Commode was hugely peed off!
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Then there was the flag signal sent by the French commander to Nelson.
Nelson: Whats he saying.
Signals Officer: It's in French sir.
Nelson: Well dammit, translate it you know I can't speak French.
Signals Officer: Well Sir It translates as "To the water; it is the hour"
>
>
>
>
(A l'eau; c'est l'heure)
Nelson: Whats he saying.
Signals Officer: It's in French sir.
Nelson: Well dammit, translate it you know I can't speak French.
Signals Officer: Well Sir It translates as "To the water; it is the hour"
>
>
>
>
(A l'eau; c'est l'heure)
AAC Observer on his course, when told that his pilot is dead and asked what his actions would be, replied, "Fly back to base and log .4 solo!"
Senior AAC Officer on a Gazelle refresher with a QHI who had been in the same Squadron with him in the past.
As they flew low level over Harewood Forest, QHI says, "What would you say if I said practice engine failure, GO!"
Reply (after two seconds thought)," I would say that I made a very poor character assessment of you the last time I wrote your confidential!"
This is more like it, something to smile at!!
Senior AAC Officer on a Gazelle refresher with a QHI who had been in the same Squadron with him in the past.
As they flew low level over Harewood Forest, QHI says, "What would you say if I said practice engine failure, GO!"
Reply (after two seconds thought)," I would say that I made a very poor character assessment of you the last time I wrote your confidential!"
This is more like it, something to smile at!!
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Not quite a witty reply, but...
An AAC Sgt Pilot and his Cpl observer are sent in their helo to fly to an RV at a grid reference. Having arrived, they are to telephone a certain number which will bring a staff car and bigwig passenger to meet them.
All goes well until arrival at the GR, which turns out to be a parade ground, which is not unusual. What is unusual is that there is a parade in progress on it.
After much noisy low hovering, the helo's intentions are finally understood and the parade disperses in chaos. The helo lands, observer hops out and legs it to guardroom to make the call.
He reappears a couple of moments later, with a stern expression on his face. "We'd better get out of here, Sarge," he says.
"What's wrong?" asks the Sgt pilot.
"Well, we've landed at the telephone number and I've just phoned the grid reference."
An AAC Sgt Pilot and his Cpl observer are sent in their helo to fly to an RV at a grid reference. Having arrived, they are to telephone a certain number which will bring a staff car and bigwig passenger to meet them.
All goes well until arrival at the GR, which turns out to be a parade ground, which is not unusual. What is unusual is that there is a parade in progress on it.
After much noisy low hovering, the helo's intentions are finally understood and the parade disperses in chaos. The helo lands, observer hops out and legs it to guardroom to make the call.
He reappears a couple of moments later, with a stern expression on his face. "We'd better get out of here, Sarge," he says.
"What's wrong?" asks the Sgt pilot.
"Well, we've landed at the telephone number and I've just phoned the grid reference."
In a similar vein to Capt Gadget's:
A senior police officer decides that he will go on patrol with a young constable in a car. They round a corner and see that a huge fight is in progress, the senior officer, keen to assist, grabs the radio microphone and searches the dashboard for the call sign. His eyes alight on a small strip of Dymo tape and he keys the mike: "Romeo 32 Foxtrot 30 to base"
" Er, Chief" says the young constable, "You've just read out the tyre pressures"
A senior police officer decides that he will go on patrol with a young constable in a car. They round a corner and see that a huge fight is in progress, the senior officer, keen to assist, grabs the radio microphone and searches the dashboard for the call sign. His eyes alight on a small strip of Dymo tape and he keys the mike: "Romeo 32 Foxtrot 30 to base"
" Er, Chief" says the young constable, "You've just read out the tyre pressures"