Banter? or just leg pulling?
Random phone answering was a sport on any fighter base, certainly during the Cold War.
Favourites I have heard include:
"German High Command. Countries invaded, Poland our speciality"
"Sharp End. Duty Point speaking"
"Who do you need killing now?" (in bored parent-to-teenager voice)
"Already done it, do keep up" with the phone immediately replaced.
"Fg Off Bloggs' Social Secretary. To whom am I speaking?" especially if Fg Off Bloggs had just had 3 calls in the last hour.
Also common was answering the phone pretending to be someone else in the crewroom. This could backfire. I was once handed the phone with the instruction.
"Pretend you are me. It's the Staish on the phone wanting to speak to me, and I've just answered pretending I'm someone else!"
..and especially if you were right next to the phone and answered it halfway through the first ring.
"xxx Squadron, sorry to keep you waiting."
Favourites I have heard include:
"German High Command. Countries invaded, Poland our speciality"
"Sharp End. Duty Point speaking"
"Who do you need killing now?" (in bored parent-to-teenager voice)
"Already done it, do keep up" with the phone immediately replaced.
"Fg Off Bloggs' Social Secretary. To whom am I speaking?" especially if Fg Off Bloggs had just had 3 calls in the last hour.
Also common was answering the phone pretending to be someone else in the crewroom. This could backfire. I was once handed the phone with the instruction.
"Pretend you are me. It's the Staish on the phone wanting to speak to me, and I've just answered pretending I'm someone else!"
..and especially if you were right next to the phone and answered it halfway through the first ring.
"xxx Squadron, sorry to keep you waiting."
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I recall having a 'mono-directional frank exchange of views' with one of my junior officers once, when he interupted, "Sorry, I was miles away there, you were saying......" I can laugh about it now, but the sense of humour by-pass opened wide at the time....
Then there was my annual appraisal by the Wing Co, as a junior squadron officer, which read. "Flg Off McGhie blah blah blah....... As for leadership, I wouldn't follow this officer out of idle curiosity. Blah blah blah...... In short, I wouldn't recommend this officer for further promotion, and suggest any future pay rise becomes effective when he does....." Oh how I laughed when first shown this....
Shortly before being informed I had been promoted and posted to another unit, and the 'apprasial' had been hatched by a few staff officers, in the bar the night before.....
Then there was my annual appraisal by the Wing Co, as a junior squadron officer, which read. "Flg Off McGhie blah blah blah....... As for leadership, I wouldn't follow this officer out of idle curiosity. Blah blah blah...... In short, I wouldn't recommend this officer for further promotion, and suggest any future pay rise becomes effective when he does....." Oh how I laughed when first shown this....
Shortly before being informed I had been promoted and posted to another unit, and the 'apprasial' had been hatched by a few staff officers, in the bar the night before.....
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A famous line attributed to Batchy Atcherly went something like this.
Driver: Good Morning Sir
Atcherly: All I require from you Airman is a salute, not a weather report!
Driver: Good Morning Sir
Atcherly: All I require from you Airman is a salute, not a weather report!
Thread Starter
"No, but do you want to buy a battleship?"
Anyone who was asleep when the squadron revellers returned from a bash was fair game, poking them till they woke up and saying " do you want to buy a battleship?" the conversation (if you could call it that) depended on who it was in bed!
If he was game, then the reply was "what colour" this then went on via "grey" to "how many guns?" "how many cooks", you get the drift until one participant gave in.
If the sleeping person was, shall we say, lacking in humour, then any number of outcomes was likely, including being thumped!
Regards, Den.
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Random phone answering was a sport on any fighter base, certainly during the Cold War.
Stonehenge, Chief Druid speaking
Battersea dogs home, how may I help you.
Last edited by NutLoose; 13th Oct 2012 at 08:08.
This is a tale I once heard which, if it isn't true, really ought to be:
One Happy Hour at an RAFG aerodrome the phone rang. "SDO please"...
Now, Germany is 1 hr ahead of the UK and the beer had been flowing for a while....
"SDO speaking"
"This is Air Chief Marshal (XXX) at the MoD, I wish to speak to the Stn Cdr!"
"Is it. Is it really. Well, f**k off, Noddy!", replies the SDO, assuming it's one of his mates winding him up, then puts the phone down.
Come the Monday morning...
"Flt Lt (XXX), the Stn Cdr wishes to see you in 5 minutes...."
"Flt Lt (XXX), did you tell ACM (XXX) to do something rather rude on Friday evening?".
Having admitted his guilt, Flt Lt (XXX) is told that he must report to the MoD and apologise. So at not inconsiderable personal expense he has to make his merry way to the MoD and is directed to the ACM's outer office. Where he waits....and waits....and waits. Finally he is ushered in and stands to attention in front of the ACM, who is looking through some papers. Eventually the ACM looks up and says:
"Flt Lt (XXX)?"
"Yes, sir."
"F**k off back to Germany, Noddy!"
As the astonished Flt Lt turns to leave, the ACM announces with a grin:
"I was once a fighter pilot too!"
One Happy Hour at an RAFG aerodrome the phone rang. "SDO please"...
Now, Germany is 1 hr ahead of the UK and the beer had been flowing for a while....
"SDO speaking"
"This is Air Chief Marshal (XXX) at the MoD, I wish to speak to the Stn Cdr!"
"Is it. Is it really. Well, f**k off, Noddy!", replies the SDO, assuming it's one of his mates winding him up, then puts the phone down.
Come the Monday morning...
"Flt Lt (XXX), the Stn Cdr wishes to see you in 5 minutes...."
"Flt Lt (XXX), did you tell ACM (XXX) to do something rather rude on Friday evening?".
Having admitted his guilt, Flt Lt (XXX) is told that he must report to the MoD and apologise. So at not inconsiderable personal expense he has to make his merry way to the MoD and is directed to the ACM's outer office. Where he waits....and waits....and waits. Finally he is ushered in and stands to attention in front of the ACM, who is looking through some papers. Eventually the ACM looks up and says:
"Flt Lt (XXX)?"
"Yes, sir."
"F**k off back to Germany, Noddy!"
As the astonished Flt Lt turns to leave, the ACM announces with a grin:
"I was once a fighter pilot too!"
Last edited by BEagle; 13th Oct 2012 at 10:53.
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F3WMB ...
Also heard ...
Delivered in a monosyllabic voice ...
"You have reached XXX Squadron ... Push 1 for Death and Distruction ... for all other enquiries please hold the line"
Also heard ...
Delivered in a monosyllabic voice ...
"You have reached XXX Squadron ... Push 1 for Death and Distruction ... for all other enquiries please hold the line"
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F you and the horse you rode in on..
Clothing stores, how can I help you.... Sorry, you have the wrong number, you have got through to clothing stores, you need to phone xxxx to get XYZ squadron (clothing stores number)
Samaritans, how can I help you.
Let me show you the Golden Rivet....
Clothing stores, how can I help you.... Sorry, you have the wrong number, you have got through to clothing stores, you need to phone xxxx to get XYZ squadron (clothing stores number)
Samaritans, how can I help you.
Let me show you the Golden Rivet....
Last edited by NutLoose; 13th Oct 2012 at 12:01.
This thread got me thinking and at the risk of thread drift, one of the best - possibly the best put down - I have ever heard was from my Philosophy tutor during A-levels when he commented on my end of year report:
"His presence has been more of an absence and judging be his performance in the recent examinations, I can only assume that he is saving his brain for something more important than thinking".
He may have had a point and it is amusing that it is probably the only thing I can remember verbatim from A-Levels. But equally, I have quite successfully made my way in the world without reference to the works of Aristot, Plato, Kant and the like!
"His presence has been more of an absence and judging be his performance in the recent examinations, I can only assume that he is saving his brain for something more important than thinking".
He may have had a point and it is amusing that it is probably the only thing I can remember verbatim from A-Levels. But equally, I have quite successfully made my way in the world without reference to the works of Aristot, Plato, Kant and the like!
Last edited by Melchett01; 13th Oct 2012 at 10:18.
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It'll do a trip
Good enough for Government work.
Good enough for Government work.
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Intstructional Technique
I can do it, the aeroplane can do it, so why the f*ck can't you?
And seeing that no one has answered fantom's question:
Bloggs: Cuddles, sir.
And seeing that no one has answered fantom's question:
What does your mother call you, Bloggs?
Last edited by Ali Qadoo; 13th Oct 2012 at 11:13.
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Walking to lunch with a mate "Bloggs" at the large Oxonian hub when met on the footpath by the SWO:
SWO: Sideburns, Flt Lt Bloggs?
Bloggs, with no hesitation: it's not my fault Mr. Xxx, my family have genetically high ears.
SWO: Sideburns, Flt Lt Bloggs?
Bloggs, with no hesitation: it's not my fault Mr. Xxx, my family have genetically high ears.
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Many years ago young Mr G who had discovered that his best mate was knobbing his girlfriend and suffering associated sense of humour failure.
'Ring ring' "What the f88k do you want?"
"Do you know who I am?"
"Nope"
"Your attitude will bring repercussions young man"
"Is repercussions some sort of French food? Anyway, f88k off"
(The phone system was on tannoy).
Many questions asked and the guilty never dubbed in.
'Ring ring' "What the f88k do you want?"
"Do you know who I am?"
"Nope"
"Your attitude will bring repercussions young man"
"Is repercussions some sort of French food? Anyway, f88k off"
(The phone system was on tannoy).
Many questions asked and the guilty never dubbed in.
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A story once told to me by a certain Pete Stone (sadly no longer with us) when he was a F/O on Lightnings... I had known him since Air Cadet days ... I suspect it was he that was involved ... 
Day of the AOC 's inspection ... a young P/O makes a quick dash to the mess for a "cronk". Owing to the urgency of the situation the said P/O promptly enters Trap 6 without completing pre-flight checks ... business done ... the P/O let's out expletives at the lack of loo paper. An authoritative voice from Trap 1 shouts "in coming" upon which an airborne loo roll arrives in the P/O's lap.
The P/O whilst washing his hands hears the bolt slide open on Trap 1 ... out steps the AOC in all his finery wearing a big smile !
Best ...
Coff.
Day of the AOC 's inspection ... a young P/O makes a quick dash to the mess for a "cronk". Owing to the urgency of the situation the said P/O promptly enters Trap 6 without completing pre-flight checks ... business done ... the P/O let's out expletives at the lack of loo paper. An authoritative voice from Trap 1 shouts "in coming" upon which an airborne loo roll arrives in the P/O's lap.
The P/O whilst washing his hands hears the bolt slide open on Trap 1 ... out steps the AOC in all his finery wearing a big smile !
Best ...
Coff.
Last edited by CoffmanStarter; 14th Oct 2012 at 08:05.
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230 Sqn in the 90's. Fg Off ***** in Crewroom....... Anyone know the number for clothing stores? Jayteeto: Yes 7200
Dials number, answered, "Station Commander"
Fg Off ***** looks and me and shouts "Bast**rd!! Sorry, no, not you Sir"
Dials number, answered, "Station Commander"
Fg Off ***** looks and me and shouts "Bast**rd!! Sorry, no, not you Sir"
Thought police antagonist
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Gutersloh...431 M.U....J/T Bloggs gets called to take a phone call. " for the M.U".... so we all go...Bloggs, just ahead of the pack fails to notice a very rare event...the most rancid piece of malignant humanity I ever encountered in the RAF in the form of our Flt. Sgt making a trip out from Bruggen.
Bloggs, blissfully unware, proceeds to do a less than credible Irish accent impression answering in the name of said F/S...and adding his own opinion as to the intellect/ personality / family history / sexual activities etc of said F/S by way of clarification.
The room went very quiet....briefly. We watched.... from a distance.
Unfortunate timing as they say.
Bloggs, blissfully unware, proceeds to do a less than credible Irish accent impression answering in the name of said F/S...and adding his own opinion as to the intellect/ personality / family history / sexual activities etc of said F/S by way of clarification.
The room went very quiet....briefly. We watched.... from a distance.
Unfortunate timing as they say.
Last edited by Krystal n chips; 13th Oct 2012 at 17:17.