Funny Things Happen in The Air Force

[12 twists per inch]

On a tanker aircraft heading for MPA, the engineers were indulging in a game of the newly released DVD version of 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and invited the cabin supervisor to join in the fun.

Come a difficult question and the inevitable 'phone a friend', our beloved was found hollering "What countrys' flag is......" into the DVD player! Bless!

Another queen of the air, after landing in Egypt, was directed to the brightest star in the sky.....only ever seen here and very, very rare...........the fabled star of cairo. Off she shot to get her camera to record the momentous moment.

Hope she hurrys up, says the engineering guru.....it's about to land!

[airpolice]

Assesments

I think it was my paperwork the boss was reading from when he was talking to you.

[FantomZorbin]

Then there was the Station Execs. meeting at a MU (the one that went up and down with the tide!).

The Station Commander asked for AOB before winding up a rather fractious meeting, when an only slightly less senior exec. said that there seemed to be a communications problem ...

The Station Commander responded with "Communications problem!, communications problem!, WHAT COMMUNICATIONS PROBLEM? ... NOBODY HAS TOLD ME ABOUT IT!!!!!"

[Ali Qadoo]

I learned about listening to SNCOs from that...

A young Plt Off Qadoo, fresh out of Sleaford Tech has moved down the road to start BFT on the mighty JP5 and, as bad luck would have it, has drawn a Friday night for his first ever time as Orderly Officer.

One of the OO's jobs was to accompany the Orderly Sergeant and supervise the closing and chucking out from the Cranes' Club, so I toddled along to the guardroom at the appointed hour in order to meet up with him.

Now, the Orderly Sgt, being a wise old owl, gave me a brief not disimilar to the Pythons' Centurion & Pilate sketch and which went something along the lines of, "I really wouldn't if I were you, sir.... I know what it says in your orders, but please take my advice and leave it to me, if the lads catch sight of you, well...."

I didn't reply, "Weally, Sergeant, I'm surprised that you let yourself be wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels," but it wasn't far off and the results weren't dissimilar either. As soon as I hove into view outside the club, the inevitable abuse and catcalls from not very sober junior airmen began and the enormity of my stupidity began to sink in, so I retreated as bravely as I could to the shadows, whereupon an extremely attractive young SACW made her way over to me.

Charming, polite and seemingly not drunk, she apologised on behalf of her nasty rude colleagues and we got chatting. Being far too green and unsuspecting, I never even suspected I was being wound up, and it wasn't until she suggested rather loudly that we go back to her room in the block, proposing a series of activities that I didn't even know were physically possible, let alone legal, that my courage finally failed and I fled the scene as fast as my legs would carry me, accompanied by a barrage of laughter and derision from her oppos who'd been standing just out of sight.

Bless his cotton socks, the following morning during the OO handover, the Orderly Sgt didn't say a word...he didn't need to.

[shandyman]

Probably heard it before . . . .

Probably heard before but an old Nimrod tale. Very rightious skipper and not so rightious ossie rad op. Aircraft airborne
"Captain - radar"
"Go ahead radar",
"Cap-radar, the radar is f****d".
Indignant thought bubbles from flt deck.
"Radar-capn would you like to say that again"? . . . .
"Cap-radar, the radar's f****d"! . . . .
"Radar-capn, once again would you like to say that again"?
Ossie rad op cottons on and replies . . .
"Cap-radar, tha radar appears to be be unserviceable at this time".
" Radar-Capn, that's better, thank you, now what appears to be the problem"? . .
"Cap- radar . . . .The F***ing F***ers F***ed!!"
Some are winners, some are losers.

[Lightning5]

There I was, young aircraft mechanic on a mechanic's course at RAF Weeton(near Blackpool) middle of winter in 58. In those days we had to work Saturday mornings and one saturday in the month was CO Parade day . Now winter 58 was a little harsh in temperature, freezing every night. So a cunning plan was hatched, and on the Friday night before the said parade, copious amounts of water was deposited on the parade ground, making it a superb ice rink!! Parade cancelled, job done! Senior powers never clocked that the Friday night had been free of rain!!!
Way too go!!

[bspatz]

Early 70s at Laarbruch when RAFG was obsessed by Tacevals and life on the station was dominated by a seemingly endless round of maxevals, minevals and hyper sensitivity whenever the grapevine detected that the NATO Taceval Team had “left barracks”. The result of this focus on being instantly ready was that every eventuality was covered albeit some more realistically than others. One of the ubiquitous preparatory measures was the sandbagging of windows which as achieved by simply placing a notice on every window stating that “this window is sandbagged”. An expedient that seemed to satisfy the Taceval umpires but I suspect would have failed to defeat the Warsaw pact. My role during exercises was mobile defence commander which allowed me the freedom to roam the station in a 3 tonner with my team of trained killers from the avionics centre; normally arriving 5-10 minutes after an incident in time to see the umpires disappearing in the opposite direction for the next planned event. On one such occasion the incident that we narrowly missed was adjacent to one of the RAF Regt 40mm bofors gun emplacements which had the distinction of being the only sites on the station that were actually sandbagged. On arriving I was amused to see that in a neat reversal of what was to be found everywhere else on the station a sign inside the emplacement stating that “This sandbag is a window”

[dkh51250]

In much the same vein as the previous post.
Careers Information Office in Bomber County 198X We are blessed with a visit by some WW2 aircrew who are on a pilgrimage to their old stamping ground.

According to them, at the outset of the war they were tasked with dropping leaflets over Germany. (Nickel raids I think?) Printed on them in German were the words "This is a leaflet not a bomb" After a very short time they became bored with this and replaced leaflets with housebricks marked "This is not a leaflet"

[Samuel]

A very large Thorneycroft Crash/Fire vehicle driving towards the crash bay at Cottesmore, where the taxiway is ever so slightly downhill, there was ice about, and it was just about to make the turn in by the tower when the steering developed a mind of its own and became completely useless.

The vehicle did a very slow, ballet-like, 360, and finally ran onto the grass and stopped, and up in the Tower the DATCO and all the staff are lined up clapping!

[dragon166]

Mid 1980s - Busy evening at a Job Convention in Slough, with lots of enquiries to write up, the CIO Sgt is head and down and engrossed in paperwork. A voice from behind him says "excuse me sir, do you take SIKH people?

Without a moments hesitation, or looking at the speaker, the Sgt fires back "No mate, you have to be fully fit to join the Royal Air Force".

[NutLoose]

Raf Odious late 70's a new all singing all dancing electric gate has been installed to replace the MK1 hand driven version with a elevated heated building to sit in....... Station Commander whose normal mode of transport is U/S and has been issued with a black mini as his staff car complete with flag arrives at the gate, Airman crouches down to check the driver is the C/O stands back up salutes and opens the barrier, Staish drives through the gate and because he cannot see the guard due to the box being higher than him thinks he has not saluted him, guard presses the down button on the barrier as the Station Commander reverses back under it to ask the airman why he never saluted him, all thankfully watched by the SWO walking out to the guard hut as the barrier gracefully lowers onto and crushed the mini's roof....

[diginagain]

Just to prove that funny things happen in the Army too, especially when it comes to barriers...........

They never gave us electrified barriers in the days when I was a lowly Airtrooper. In fact, you needed both hands to hold the counterweights down, as a young Rupert discovered one morning when he insisted on receiving a complement from me.

Then there was the morning the Padre returned my salute mid-gearchange. In the resulting confusion he managed to stuff his Mini into a tree.

[Fareastdriver]

at the outset of the war they were tasked with dropping leaflets over Germany.

Apparently at the time a question asking what the leaflets had printed on them was raised in the House of Commons. The MP was informed that he could not be told because the contents were secret.

[The Oberon]

Sorry to include another Army thing but on the initial advance during Gulf War 1, a Challenger tank was seen crossing the border, on the back was a notice reading "How's my driving, call 0800.........."

[Sgt.Slabber]

Lunnon...

Side-kick to Sgt "Paddy the Blanket" when I was on HAFW -something something- '76.

Early summer weekend away, dodgy BR buffet sandwich on the train back on Sunday evening. Early hours of Monday morning and SAC Slabber has made a number of calls on the big white telephone.

Reporting sick routine requires a visit to the flight office to tell "them" of the intention to report sick. SAC Slabber opens outer door of office to go in just as Cpl Lunnon comes through inner door on his way out.

SAC Slabber informs Cpl Lunnon of his intention to report sick... then barffs on his shiney boots.

SAC Slabber reports sick.....

[NUFC1892]

Way back in 1977 Benson was a wonderful first posting for a young man who had only recently been introduced to the delights of alcohol and the fairer sex. TCW and 244 Sigs Sqn had just moved to Brize and SCSHQ had moved up from Medmenham with a wealth of beauties. At the time I was mostly working out of a warehouse in Watlington alongside MCSU and it really was pretty idyllic.

Unfortunately from time-to-time I was reminded that I was actually in the RAF, equally unfortunately it didn't happen quite often enough for me to remember - then came the 2 weeks from hell. Now I was never what could be regarded as a bad person but I did seem to have knack of not quite getting in right. So week 1 started with a bull night, fair enough, every week started with a bull night but this time I forgot to empty the ashtray next to my pit (those were the days!) and that resulted in my first charge of the week and me being £10 lighter at the end of Tuesday. In 1977 £10 was a hell of a lot of beer chits. On the re-inspection on the Wednesday morning the Sgt noticed that I had failed to conform to the directive not to hang posters on the wall using cellotape - 2nd charge of the week and by the Thursday lunchtime I was pressing my No1 Uniform ready for that nights "jankers" inspection. Now by this time I had become a little preoccupied (and more than a little hacked off that I would be missing the Thursday night "bop") so when the same sgt who had already charged my twice that week told me to pass a message on, and I forgot, can you guess the result? That's right, charge No 3 of the week and a total of 8 days jankers to take me up to the following Thursday night. And just to be sure I was getting the message I was put on Duty Storeman for the weekend, to start the day after jankers finished.

So, we get to the Friday night and me desperate to do something right to get this guy off my back - some hope! After everyone had knocked off for the weekend I was wandering around securing the Sqn when I noticed a load of pallets containing 25 ltr drums of a non-flammable liquid with a long name (that, on reflection I really should have read) that needed to be put into stock. Hmm.. thinks I, getting that lot put away (about 150 drums or so) would be sure to impress him. Now previously I had been allowed to drive forklifts but my licence had been taken away after I tried to go cross country on one and went through some paving slabs covering the drains etc. As it required the use of a crane to get the forklift out the hole it was a difficult one for me to hide and the MT WO at the time suggested that maybe a re-think on my licence was required. I seem to recall he suggested a few other things as well, but the exact detail escapes me.

So, anyway, everyones gone home and there is a fully charged forklift just waiting for me to play with it. The first couple of pallets, stacked two (or is that too!) high went in nicely and my confidence was growing………….many, many smartie points must be on the cards here. As my confidence grew so did the speed of the forklift and as I was taking the last pallet into the store the screeching of the tyres as I came to a stop was outdone only by the noise of 10 drums falling about 10' to the ground - and splitting wide open. Now fortunately the store had a fire hose in it, so what could be easier than hosing the whole mess out of the door and down the drain and then striking the necessary number of containers of stock charge - who would know? Do you have any idea how much mess is made indoors when you add water, under pressure, to 250 ltrs of fire fighting foam? Take it from me, it's quite a lot! So there I am, foam up to my ankles and progressing rapidly towards my knees, the sgts office and the sqn T Bar - it was at that point I got to wondering if the RAF were allowed to send LACs to Colchester. I am not too sure whether or not I slept that weekend but I do recall that by the Sunday afternoon I had managed to just about remove all trace of the disaster, except that is for a water mark about 6" off the ground that I cleverly disguised by judicious use of dust, dirt and removing the light bulb!

By some miracle this weekend of furious activity, the culmination of 2 fairly testing weeks in the life of a 17 yr old was never detected. But I have always been curious as to why nobody ever questioned how a pallet of Kimwipe, in a relatively small store, disappeared over the course of a weekend.

[The Oberon]

1975, DCIs giving details of an outward bound course.

" The course will consist of 3 weeks canoeing, climbing and terkking"

If you haven't tried it, don't knock it I suppose.

[PeterHai]

1976 Norfolk Tanker Base, middle of a 10 day TACEVAL and everyone getting a bid hacked off, but at least we could go and have a few drinks at lunchtime before we started a night shift couldn't we? Anyway a couple of us were tasked to guard the back gate by the golf course so off we trot with our pick axe handles, not allowed SLRs during an exercise, and man the gate. Later that night nature works its course and my fellow guard needs to relieve himself rather desperately but the only problem was we still had another 30 minutes on guard. Easy solution I keep eye on gate while he trots off into the trees by golf course and starts to relieve himself. At which point there is an almighty scream and a camouflaged figure jumps up from the undergrowth. Turns out the intruder had been there for a few hours waiting for his moment to head out across the airfield and didn't expect "rain" that night. Needless to say we were heroes that night, but decided to ease off on the lunchtime sessions.

[cornish-stormrider]

Pah, your intruder was obviously not one of "Them". Everyone knows part of selection, after killing the dog, is to be the victim of a shower of sh*te.

[bspatz]

As a member of a MAMs team in the mid 70s my role was to be ready to deploy at short notice wherever required which included some highly attractive worldwide locations but for exercises generally meant somewhere in Northern European. Thus it transpired that during a station TacEval that my team together with another couple of teams was tasked to deploy to Macrihanish as part of the Herc force’s horizontal disperse to survive. However, real world demands meant that we would only simulate deployment and our actual deployment was to the MAMs crew room where some 15 of us sat swopping stories drinking tea and coffee whilst listening with bored disinterest to the frequent tannoy messages warning of air raids accompanied by the sound of thunderflashes as the umpires simulated yet another Warsaw Pact attack on Northern Wiltshire. All of a sudden the door burst open followed by a Flt Lt RAF Regt umpire who was obviously so appalled by our flagrant disregard of the exercise rules and failure to wear NBC suits, helmets or respirators that he was barely coherent with incandescent rage. He informed us that not only were we all dead, killed by the last attack but that he would report our unacceptable behaviour to the station authorities at the earliest opportunity. Once he had stopped his tirade, our explanation that, whilst we appeared to be at Lyneham , this was actually an apparition as we were in fact at Macrihanish (poised at instant readiness ready to move HM forces wherever needed to stem the flow of WP aggressors) and “would he like a cup of tea ?” failed to restore his equilibrium and served only to increase his anger. He was last seen storming towards ops to establish the veracity of our story. We meanwhile continued to drink tea and enjoy our simulated Macrihanish deployment until endex.