Line Books
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Line Books
Seeing the Ribald Comments on CRs thread, I wonder whether anyone would care to share comments from line books around the Service(s)?
Some from the bunker-dwellers, all from memory since the Line Books have long since vanished (names changed to spare embarassment):
After reversing her car into a large lamp-post, Sarah was asked why she didn't notice it. She replied, "Oh, I was distracted by thoughts..."
John: "What's a 0040 squawk?"
Instructor: "That's a North Sea helicopter, John."
John: "Oh. What's it doing there?"
Instructor: "That's the North Sea, John."
After a PI that went awry (F3 "intercepts" HMS ILLUSTRIOUS): "Buchan, RAZOR... your BANDIT's a boat."
XO: "You said the consoles aren't serviceable. Why's that?"
Briefer: "Because they're f**ked, Sir."
Instructor: "What indications are there that an aircraft is having an emergency?"
Mike: "Will it be in the flight plan?"
Instructor: "Ask yourself, Mike, whether the captain of an aircraft will file in his flight plan that he intends to crash his plane in the middle of the North Sea?"
Some from the bunker-dwellers, all from memory since the Line Books have long since vanished (names changed to spare embarassment):
After reversing her car into a large lamp-post, Sarah was asked why she didn't notice it. She replied, "Oh, I was distracted by thoughts..."
John: "What's a 0040 squawk?"
Instructor: "That's a North Sea helicopter, John."
John: "Oh. What's it doing there?"
Instructor: "That's the North Sea, John."
After a PI that went awry (F3 "intercepts" HMS ILLUSTRIOUS): "Buchan, RAZOR... your BANDIT's a boat."
XO: "You said the consoles aren't serviceable. Why's that?"
Briefer: "Because they're f**ked, Sir."
Instructor: "What indications are there that an aircraft is having an emergency?"
Mike: "Will it be in the flight plan?"
Instructor: "Ask yourself, Mike, whether the captain of an aircraft will file in his flight plan that he intends to crash his plane in the middle of the North Sea?"
In the circuit practising circuits, and after a few rollers:
Stude: "(callsign), Downwind to....errr.....ummmm.....can you ask my instructor!?"
Stude: "(callsign), Downwind to....errr.....ummmm.....can you ask my instructor!?"
Someone at ULAS please look out the "Crazy's Comments" page at the back of their line book....
Legendary stuff. It's also in the back of the most recent ULAS yearbook.
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Oh they do. My son is in the Cadets and his unit has a line book. As an aside, back in 1976 my first line book entry discussed the merits of a pilot who ditched his aircraft because he understood it to be on fire........t'was actually the anti-col, illuminating against the clouds.
Cracker from ATC to one of the guys at linton...
Stude: "LOPXX request join to carry out circuit with simulated radio failure"
ATC: "Roger, confirm this is only a simulated radio failure"
Ahh?? What do you think?
Stude: "LOPXX request join to carry out circuit with simulated radio failure"
ATC: "Roger, confirm this is only a simulated radio failure"
Ahh?? What do you think?
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Tonkatechie: "Good start, RCOV to 'Eng' Sir"
Italian exchange pilot: "Okaay Chief, clear walk-round and chocks out!"
Tonkatechie: "Would Sir care to start the other engine before attempting take-off?"
Different occasion, crew-in snag...
Instructor: "Hi Chief, had an ECS caption that wouldn't clear after 3 attempts, but managed to get rid of it when we shut the canopy - any thoughts on that?"
Tonkatechie: (P
g myself laughing)"That's kind of how the system works - otherwise it's a bit hard to cool the whole world!!"
Instructor: "Aah, I'll just make a note of that [writes on kneepad] - I am a "
Tonkatechie: "Have a nice trip!"
Not strictly 'lines' I suppose, that would go to my sneck today:
"Hurry up and shove that in your mouth Cpl, and come with me!"
I hope he was talking about my sandwich....
Italian exchange pilot: "Okaay Chief, clear walk-round and chocks out!"
Tonkatechie: "Would Sir care to start the other engine before attempting take-off?"
Different occasion, crew-in snag...
Instructor: "Hi Chief, had an ECS caption that wouldn't clear after 3 attempts, but managed to get rid of it when we shut the canopy - any thoughts on that?"
Tonkatechie: (P
g myself laughing)"That's kind of how the system works - otherwise it's a bit hard to cool the whole world!!"Instructor: "Aah, I'll just make a note of that [writes on kneepad] - I am a
"Tonkatechie: "Have a nice trip!"
Not strictly 'lines' I suppose, that would go to my sneck today:
"Hurry up and shove that in your mouth Cpl, and come with me!"
I hope he was talking about my sandwich....
Last edited by tonkatechie; 25th Jan 2006 at 22:19.
228 OCU crew room late sixties/early seventies;
Several old and hairies looking through logbooks
Duncan G********: What about my 601 Chipmunk hours then?
Robert W******: Have some difficulty getting through flying training Duncan?
Several old and hairies looking through logbooks
Duncan G********: What about my 601 Chipmunk hours then?
Robert W******: Have some difficulty getting through flying training Duncan?
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Some more!
During Sim phase at School of Fighter Control, Tom sees an emergency indication and calls "D&D":
Tom: "Hi, it's Boulmer, any details on the 7700 over the Thames Estuary?"
D&D: "Yeah, it's SPEEDBIRD 162 with a birdstrike."
Tom: "Umm... it's at FL360."
D&D: "Yes...?"
Tom: "A birdstrike at 36,000ft?"
D&D: (laughter in background) "Umm... yes. It was a superbird."
Not strictly a "line", but this had me creased last week while monitoring VHF guard:
Idiot (Britannia pilot): "Hallo, we're now cruising at 20,000ft over Paris, soon I'll be descending as we approach the coast. The time in Bournemouth is 1655, so please do adjust your watches. Weather... it's a little cloudy, not too cold, and should brighten up nicely tomorrow for you."
BA Pilot: (In charming, refined voice) "Hmm, what a lovely little speech!"
During Sim phase at School of Fighter Control, Tom sees an emergency indication and calls "D&D":
Tom: "Hi, it's Boulmer, any details on the 7700 over the Thames Estuary?"
D&D: "Yeah, it's SPEEDBIRD 162 with a birdstrike."
Tom: "Umm... it's at FL360."
D&D: "Yes...?"
Tom: "A birdstrike at 36,000ft?"
D&D: (laughter in background) "Umm... yes. It was a superbird."
Not strictly a "line", but this had me creased last week while monitoring VHF guard:
Idiot (Britannia pilot): "Hallo, we're now cruising at 20,000ft over Paris, soon I'll be descending as we approach the coast. The time in Bournemouth is 1655, so please do adjust your watches. Weather... it's a little cloudy, not too cold, and should brighten up nicely tomorrow for you."
BA Pilot: (In charming, refined voice) "Hmm, what a lovely little speech!"
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Bird Strike
Tablet - try one on the ground. In the early 70s at Culdrose, a Wessex was being tractored backwards along a taxiway just at dawn on a cold winter morning. The ATC MT driver was heading in the other direction in a pusser's tilly (Bedford Utilicon van) and was 'probably' speeding. The driver missed the tractor and safety number but hit the port oleo which sheared off. 5 tons of Wessex fell over, neatly flicking the tilly sideways rather like a shoved halfpenny. The driver crawled out of the wreaked vehicle, burst into tears and was heard to say: I've laddered me tights. The station Warrant (Fleet Chief) engineer registered the accident as a birdstrike.
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West Drayton SFC mid 80s.
Female stude to instructor in ops room very loudly during debrief,
'How can you tell me I failed that sortie? You said you loved me last night!'
Female stude to instructor in ops room very loudly during debrief,
'How can you tell me I failed that sortie? You said you loved me last night!'
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Heard in the USA many years ago:
Fighter Jock: XXX Approach, FJ at Point Alpha for recovery.
Approach: Roger, FJ, you are number 17 in line behind 16 heavies.
FJ: Errr, in that case I am declaring a fuel emergency.
Approach: Roger, you are now number 1.
FJ: Ahh, good, in that case I'm cancelling my fuel emergency.
Approach: Roger, you are now number 17 in line behind 16 heavies.
After a very long silence -
FJ (very quietly): XXX Approach, FJ declaring a fuel emergency.
I didn't wait for any more.
Fighter Jock: XXX Approach, FJ at Point Alpha for recovery.
Approach: Roger, FJ, you are number 17 in line behind 16 heavies.
FJ: Errr, in that case I am declaring a fuel emergency.
Approach: Roger, you are now number 1.
FJ: Ahh, good, in that case I'm cancelling my fuel emergency.
Approach: Roger, you are now number 17 in line behind 16 heavies.
After a very long silence -
FJ (very quietly): XXX Approach, FJ declaring a fuel emergency.
I didn't wait for any more.
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
Female Stude at West Drayton doing morning Met brief with synoptic displayed: "And you can see how the strong winds have pushed all the lines together".
Same stude during lecture on planar array radars: "What does the R stand for in Plane-R array?"
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43 Sqn phantom during sortie asks for wingman to give him a visual inspection as his centreline isn´t feeding. Short time later, wingman tells him, "You haven´t got a centreline tank". Pause, "Bugger, I signed for one.."
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43 Sqn: Researcher at Air Historic phones 43 Sqn to check some details of Sqn during BoB.
Shag: "Morning, Flt Lt ......."
Caller: "Morning, ......., can you tell me, was 43 Sqn airborne over ...... on 12 Sept 1940?
Shag, after cautious pause: "Is this a low flying complaint?"........
Same stude during lecture on planar array radars: "What does the R stand for in Plane-R array?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
43 Sqn phantom during sortie asks for wingman to give him a visual inspection as his centreline isn´t feeding. Short time later, wingman tells him, "You haven´t got a centreline tank". Pause, "Bugger, I signed for one.."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
43 Sqn: Researcher at Air Historic phones 43 Sqn to check some details of Sqn during BoB.
Shag: "Morning, Flt Lt ......."
Caller: "Morning, ......., can you tell me, was 43 Sqn airborne over ...... on 12 Sept 1940?
Shag, after cautious pause: "Is this a low flying complaint?"........
This is probably an old chestnut, but here it is anyway. OC Arm Eng Sqn paid a surprise visit to XV Sqn during a Minival to find a Buccaneer being loaded with live 1000 pounders inside the hangar.
OCAES: "You know you can't do that in here, it's completely against the rules. If those bombs went off, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on."
OCAES: "You know you can't do that in here, it's completely against the rules. If those bombs went off, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on."
230 Sqn crewroom, 1984 ish. Crewman to first tourist officer with shiny new rep for being a bit 'silly'.
"Flt Lt W***s Sir,wos your first name?"
"Rick"
"Would that be a silent 'P' then?"
CG
"Flt Lt W***s Sir,wos your first name?"
"Rick"
"Would that be a silent 'P' then?"
CG
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One for the rotary world...... On a student at Shawbury's first hover trip (he was doing quite well!!) the instructor asked the stude to 'turn the aircraft around the tail, while travelling along the taxi way centerline.' Incredulous stude was heard to reply, 'Sir!, Its a cyclic stick, not a fu$£^ng MAGIC WAND!!!!'...... much to the amusement of his stick-buddy sitting behind.......