Military Funnies

[jimgriff]

There is a fair ammount of doom and gloom on this forum of late so lets get a smile going. I'll start:

The truthfulness of this story cannot be substantiated but it made me chuckle none the less:
An RAF Nimrod was flying into the USA for a military exercise. A few hundred miles out they were joined by a pair of National Guard F-16's to escort them in. Being fighter jocks they started showing off, doing rolls & loops etc around the Nimrod. When they had finished the F-16 driver said "can you do that?" The RAF pilot replied " No, but can you do this" After about ten minutes the lead F-16 pilot said "well, what are you doing?" The RAF pilot replied. "I've just been down the back, had a good s**t and am now eating a steak sandwich. Can you do that?"
With a sense of humor failure the fighters disappeared into the distance.

There must be more out there so come on chaps and chapesses

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

I recall a similar tale of one upmanship from days gone bye on Albert that culminated in the female loadie pressing her un fettered hooters against the flight deck windows along with the comment "bet you can't do that'...............or something along those lines

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Lionel Lion]

Always amused me

The VC10 air steward who couldnt find a spoon to open the seal of the coffee jar......so used the fire axe.....

[BEagle]

It's obviously a real laugh in the Mil these days.......

[jimgriff]

OK, heres another :
Jag mate on his way over to red flag needs a pee.

Gets out the pee bag.

Undoes the trunk on the goon suit and tries to "connect" the willie end to pipe. ( I am led to believe that it is similar to a condom).
Decides that only way to get "condom" end on willie is to get a stiffie so starts to "excite" himself. (Are you still with me?)

Eventualy gets "excited" willie and pee bag conected and lets nature take its course and continues across the pond trailing the supporting VC10.

During red flag, and whilst the finest of many nations are viewing the debrief screen, video of afore mentioned jagmate jerking off in cockpit is shown!!!

VC10 crew had filmed whole episode!!!

Much merryment ensues.

[Stupid Boy]

BEagle, I have pulled up a sandbag and swung the light, but despite this I can still not simulate the fun that you obviously had. Perhaps humour stopped after you got your life back?

[BEagle]

Not quite. The fun police have made the RAF of today a far less happy and humorous organisation than the one I knew....

In an era of grim greyness, where 'managers' have 'visions' and cr@p out 'mission statements' , it might be interesting to note the foreword from 'Tee Emm', the publication which preceded the now-defunct Air Clues:

"This is the first issue of a new Air Ministry Publication, a monthly Memorandum on Training. It is perhaps a little different from the usual run of such publications, but new things frequently are different. The Royal Air Force, compared with the Navy and the Army, is a new Service. Our traditions are brilliant, but do not yet stretch very far back. But we have a tradition of ebullience, even of unconventionality - in short a tradition of the Spirit of Youth and all that Youth implies.
It is not, therefore, out of keeping with this tradition that TEE EMM, the new R.A.F. Training Memorandum, should in a small way reflect this spirit by an occasional intrusion of lightheartedness into serious subjects, by an occasional unconventionality of treatment, by an occasional lack of stiffness in the presentation of training and instructional points and information. There is no harm in humour; there is indeed a lot of good....."


Is that purple 'helicopter quarterly' thing which replaced Air Clues living up to this spirit? Somehow I fear not...

[brakedwell]

Westbound on a Changi slip in the sixties, we landed at Muharraq and retired to the air movements bar for the customary beer or two before being bussed to the Britannia House Hotel. On our crew was the prettiest, perkiest 99 sqn female loadmaster of that time, who was well known for her quick cockney sense of humour. By beer number three the top three buttons of her light blue dress were undone as the airconditioners struggled to keep us cool. The three man crew of a resident US Navy Convair 440 strolled into the bar. The captain made a beeline for our loadmaster, stuck his hand out and said: "Pleased to meet you maam, and what is your position on the crew?"
She pushed out her chest, smiled coyly and said: "Normally flat on me back sir!"

[allan907]

Supernumary en route to Akrotiri at dead of night in one of Shiny Ten's finest, about a dozen pax fast asleep down the back end. After 2 hours the crew had got bored with steak sandwiches, coffee etc and the very attractive Ugandan Asian (those around in the mid 70's may well remember her - absolute knock out) Cpl Air Stewardess had got fed up with cleaning down the forward galley for the umpteenth time. The aircraft was dark and I was reading a book when she looked me straight in the eye and said, "What smiles and f**ks like a tiger?"

"No idea" quoth I.

At which point she grinned broadly! (The rest is off limits on account the mods wouldn't allow it)

[BEagle]

Thirty years later it would more likely be:

"What scowls and farts like a hippo?"

[J.A.F.O.]

A while ago I found, somewhere, a document entitled:

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

By a Sgt Shawn Stanford, who said:

"Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it."

I saved it, too. So, here are the first thirteen, see what you think as to whether you want to see the next 200; however, there are some great ones in there such as 65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. and 94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. .

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.

[Sloppy Link]

A student suffered an engine failure and after declaring a MAYDAY put down in a field. He then cancelled the emergency, gave his position and asked for engineers. Two QFIs on a mutual thought they would go and survey the scene. On circling the site, they both remarked "Good effort, how on earth did he get into that tiny field?"
They decided to go and visit him and discuss the way he had dealt with the situation. First approach ended up in an overshoot as did the second. Finally, the senior QFI elected to have a go. Completely blew it and ended up inverted in a wood on the overshoot. Student Pilot puts out another MAYDAY and runs to the stricken aircraft. After dragging the two, godlike to him, instructors out of the aircraft (who are uninjured) one says to him, "How the fcuk did you manage to land in this tiny field?"
Our hero replies, "I didn't. I landed in that field over there and bounced into this one!"
You have no idea how much I would like to have seen their faces!!

[jimgriff]

We're on a roll.....keep 'em coming!!

[J.A.F.O.]

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visits Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'W@nker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras.
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.

[buoy15]

jimgriff
As I recall. your 1st post was referring to a fighter evasion sortie which a Nimrod was conducting over the North Sea during the late 70's. against a couple of F4's out of EGQL

Love many. Trust a few, Always paddle your own canoe!!

Keep the thread going

[adr]

Skippy's list is back online at skippyslist.com Enjoy it!

adr

[Ali Barber]

My all time favourite from Skippy's list is:

#87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

If only someone had told me that earlier!

[Wannabe Flyboy]

If you fancy a laugh at a Wing Commander try this link; http://stevepenk.com/file.ram