Why did the Chicken cross the road in Iraq?
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Why did the Chicken cross the road in Iraq?
I just love these!
Coalition Provisional Authority:
The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
Halliburton:
We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.
Muqtada al-Sadr:
The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
US Army Military Police:
We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.
Peshmerga:
The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
1st Cav:
The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately
detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.
Al Jazeera:
The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
Blackwater:
We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
Translators:
Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
U.S. Marine Corps:
The chicken is dead.
(NOTE: That last one should read, 'The chicken is dead, SIR!' )
Coalition Provisional Authority:
The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
Halliburton:
We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.
Muqtada al-Sadr:
The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
US Army Military Police:
We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.
Peshmerga:
The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
1st Cav:
The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately
detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.
Al Jazeera:
The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
Blackwater:
We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
Translators:
Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
U.S. Marine Corps:
The chicken is dead.
(NOTE: That last one should read, 'The chicken is dead, SIR!' )
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Blair:
I can neither confirm nor deny that the chicken may have crossed the road, but I am confident that the public enquiry will clear the Labour government of any involvement in this issue.
I can neither confirm nor deny that the chicken may have crossed the road, but I am confident that the public enquiry will clear the Labour government of any involvement in this issue.
SO WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?...ONLY IN THE USAF...READ ON-
COLONEL: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in accordance with my directives.
--CHIEF: About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.
--NCO: Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly thing still can't fly!
--2ND LT: Look at the pretty bird!
--AIR EDUCATION AND TRAINING COMMAND (AETC): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least 3 miles of visibility and a safety observer.
--AIR FORCE SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this manoeuvre at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
--AIR FORCE PERSONNEL CENTRE (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for promotion.
--AIR INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (AIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.
--AIR FORCE RESERVE COMMAND (AFRC): If it didn't happen on a Saturday or Sunday then we missed it.
--AIR FORCE FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER (AFFTC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
--AIR COMBAT COMMAND (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
--PACIFIC AIR FORCE (PACAF): We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't been funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2002, at which time they will be WRM assets assigned to ACC.
--AIR MOBILITY COMMAND (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theatre on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
--TANKER AIRLIFT CONTROL CENTER (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
--AIR FORCE MATERIEL COMMAND (AFMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and Develop core competencies required for this new environment. AFMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in an efficient substitute for F-22s!
--Air Education and Training Command: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset to sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
--Special Ops: The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this manoeuvre at night using NVG goggles, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
--Air Combat Command: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency at any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
--Tanker Airlift Control Centre: We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
--Command Post: What chicken?
--Tower: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
--C-130 Crewmember: Just put it in back and let's go!
--C-141 Crewmember: I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken! Besides, where in the hell are my condiments?! We ain't taking off 'til I get my condiments.
--Fighter Dude: Look, dude, that was a frag , OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't got time for no more questions.
--B-1 crew: Missed the whole show. We had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.
--Air Force Personnel Centre: Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotions.
COLONEL: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in accordance with my directives.
--CHIEF: About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.
--NCO: Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly thing still can't fly!
--2ND LT: Look at the pretty bird!
--AIR EDUCATION AND TRAINING COMMAND (AETC): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least 3 miles of visibility and a safety observer.
--AIR FORCE SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this manoeuvre at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
--AIR FORCE PERSONNEL CENTRE (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for promotion.
--AIR INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (AIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.
--AIR FORCE RESERVE COMMAND (AFRC): If it didn't happen on a Saturday or Sunday then we missed it.
--AIR FORCE FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER (AFFTC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
--AIR COMBAT COMMAND (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
--PACIFIC AIR FORCE (PACAF): We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't been funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2002, at which time they will be WRM assets assigned to ACC.
--AIR MOBILITY COMMAND (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theatre on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
--TANKER AIRLIFT CONTROL CENTER (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
--AIR FORCE MATERIEL COMMAND (AFMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and Develop core competencies required for this new environment. AFMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in an efficient substitute for F-22s!
--Air Education and Training Command: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset to sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
--Special Ops: The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this manoeuvre at night using NVG goggles, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
--Air Combat Command: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency at any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
--Tanker Airlift Control Centre: We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
--Command Post: What chicken?
--Tower: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
--C-130 Crewmember: Just put it in back and let's go!
--C-141 Crewmember: I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken! Besides, where in the hell are my condiments?! We ain't taking off 'til I get my condiments.
--Fighter Dude: Look, dude, that was a frag , OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't got time for no more questions.
--B-1 crew: Missed the whole show. We had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.
--Air Force Personnel Centre: Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotions.
Comical Ali:
No - I am telling you there is no chickens in our glorious land. We are shooting them all down; they are not crossing any roads - it is all lies of America!!
Bush:
Chickenwise the road crossing question is, at this time, a debatory questionification. We errr, errr, well, hell we're just gonna go bomb the $hit out of any roads, concealicatoring WMDs. Or chickens. Dick, Condoleeza, what 'n hell is a goshdarned chicken doin' crossin' roads? How'd they get outta ma good buddy Colonel Sanders lil ol' buckets?
Blair:
Yes. Absolutely. Whatever George says. Lovely taste his bum has.
Chicken:
$od it - I'll just stay here.
No - I am telling you there is no chickens in our glorious land. We are shooting them all down; they are not crossing any roads - it is all lies of America!!
Bush:
Chickenwise the road crossing question is, at this time, a debatory questionification. We errr, errr, well, hell we're just gonna go bomb the $hit out of any roads, concealicatoring WMDs. Or chickens. Dick, Condoleeza, what 'n hell is a goshdarned chicken doin' crossin' roads? How'd they get outta ma good buddy Colonel Sanders lil ol' buckets?
Blair:
Yes. Absolutely. Whatever George says. Lovely taste his bum has.
Chicken:
$od it - I'll just stay here.
Nixor ut Ledo
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John Howard (Who?) Prime Minister of Australia and No 3 in the Coalition of the Willing (Where? Were the Aussies involved??)
"Errr...I agree with everything that George and Tony say...or may not have said....and we didn't see any pictures of chickens...errr...or at least not until very, very recently....and I don't know anything about the Defence Department knowing about the chickens months ago....errr....and I'm very, very cross with Defence....errr...that's it"
"Errr...I agree with everything that George and Tony say...or may not have said....and we didn't see any pictures of chickens...errr...or at least not until very, very recently....and I don't know anything about the Defence Department knowing about the chickens months ago....errr....and I'm very, very cross with Defence....errr...that's it"
Yes, Him
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Tony B. Liar:
"This is irrefutable proof that Saddam did indeed possess Chickens of Mass Destruction."
42 Cdo Bgd:
"Hey Look! Scoff".
King's Regt
"We ant gorrit, honest".
"This is irrefutable proof that Saddam did indeed possess Chickens of Mass Destruction."
42 Cdo Bgd:
"Hey Look! Scoff".
King's Regt
"We ant gorrit, honest".
US Military Intelligence: The chicken crossed the road? I don't understand - where do we laugh at its tiny prick while all the other chickens watch?
Argyll & Sutherland Highlanders: 12 o'clock, crossing road, a chicken! At that chicken...who cares. FIX BAYONETS!
Iraqi Civil Defence Corps: Chickens! Chickens? CHICKENS! Let's just give them the police station - perhaps they'll leave us alone....
Ahmed Chalabi: Chickens? Look, my brother could give you a really good deal on a load of chickens from my sister's farm. In fact, my cousin's transport firm could deliver them. Obviously, all those chickens won't do the road surface too much good, so my nephew in the construction business could resurface it at cost plus 3%. Yes, cash will do nicely..
Argyll & Sutherland Highlanders: 12 o'clock, crossing road, a chicken! At that chicken...who cares. FIX BAYONETS!
Iraqi Civil Defence Corps: Chickens! Chickens? CHICKENS! Let's just give them the police station - perhaps they'll leave us alone....
Ahmed Chalabi: Chickens? Look, my brother could give you a really good deal on a load of chickens from my sister's farm. In fact, my cousin's transport firm could deliver them. Obviously, all those chickens won't do the road surface too much good, so my nephew in the construction business could resurface it at cost plus 3%. Yes, cash will do nicely..
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The Daily Telegraph - "EU Concern Over Rights of Road Crossing Chicken"
The Times - "Blair Announces Launch of Chicken Inqury"
The News of The World - "Exclusive - Three in a Bed Iraqi Chicken Romp"
The Daily Star - "Exclusive - Three in a Bed Iraqi Chicken Romp"
The Sun - "Cluck Cluck F**k"
The Mirror - "Exclusive - Explosive Chicken Pictures"
Financial Times - "Bernard Matthews Stock Price Plunges after Chicken Scandal"
Daily Mail - "Iraq - A Chicken too Far?"
The Times - "Blair Announces Launch of Chicken Inqury"
The News of The World - "Exclusive - Three in a Bed Iraqi Chicken Romp"
The Daily Star - "Exclusive - Three in a Bed Iraqi Chicken Romp"
The Sun - "Cluck Cluck F**k"
The Mirror - "Exclusive - Explosive Chicken Pictures"
Financial Times - "Bernard Matthews Stock Price Plunges after Chicken Scandal"
Daily Mail - "Iraq - A Chicken too Far?"
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Western Australian Sunday Times (after its headline "Traffic Light Out for 17 hours") - we operate on a different pace of life here!:
"Chicken sick", says battery farm manager, "Other 18 million are in perfect health".
"Chicken sick", says battery farm manager, "Other 18 million are in perfect health".
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Unidentified US Army art'y major:
In order to save the chicken, it was necessary to destroy it. And while we were doing that, we decided to take out the road, as well, just to be on the safe side.
In order to save the chicken, it was necessary to destroy it. And while we were doing that, we decided to take out the road, as well, just to be on the safe side.
USMC:
"SIR, we challenged the intruder by using the correct phraseology "Freeze, you goddam motherclucking sonofabitch, or get wasted" SIR. It didn't, SIR, so we engaged it with overwhelming firepower, SIR. The intruder was neutralized in accordance with the fine traditions of the Mreenkaw, SIR! Hoo-ah, Semper Fi, Proud to Die, SIR!"
SAS:
1. Got hold of some corn.
2. Laid it along the verge.
3. Waited in concealment with sack.
4. Captured chicken.
"SIR, we challenged the intruder by using the correct phraseology "Freeze, you goddam motherclucking sonofabitch, or get wasted" SIR. It didn't, SIR, so we engaged it with overwhelming firepower, SIR. The intruder was neutralized in accordance with the fine traditions of the Mreenkaw, SIR! Hoo-ah, Semper Fi, Proud to Die, SIR!"
SAS:
1. Got hold of some corn.
2. Laid it along the verge.
3. Waited in concealment with sack.
4. Captured chicken.
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SBS:
Sneak out of submerged sub.
Swim 300k along rivers, canals and sewers, using ded reckoning and v.large ball of string tied to sub's stick-up shufty thingy.
Tread water under grate in road.
Grab chicken through grate.
Return to boat
After de-brief, find Jack has nicked & scoffed it.
Sneak out of submerged sub.
Swim 300k along rivers, canals and sewers, using ded reckoning and v.large ball of string tied to sub's stick-up shufty thingy.
Tread water under grate in road.
Grab chicken through grate.
Return to boat
After de-brief, find Jack has nicked & scoffed it.
Last edited by Gainesy; 16th Jun 2004 at 12:04.
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Beagle,
I think the correct spelling is "sumbitch". SIR!
Air Defense Command
...but the chicken never squawked!!
OK, pathetic, yes, I'll come quietly officer...
I think the correct spelling is "sumbitch". SIR!
Air Defense Command
...but the chicken never squawked!!
OK, pathetic, yes, I'll come quietly officer...
Last edited by chippy63; 17th Jun 2004 at 11:41.
