F /O: "In NZ/UK/Canada/Stateside I flew all day in 50 kt crosswinds in my Cessna/Piper/Jetstream into crappy mountain/island/godforsaken strips with minimum fuel and desperate pax"....

Then he/she pooches a 10kt crosswind landing on a 12000ft runway. Right. ..

Being a complete tosser isn't the sole preserve of the bloke in the left seat

Finished with the forward lights!

(Oh, thanks for telling me the FORWARD lights, 'cause I might have turned off the NAV lights!)

But wait! Don't the NAV lights face forward, too?

"your first choice of the meals....it's your sector."

upon answering the cabin interphone: "engine room....."

"clear the upper EICAS" (as opposed to the lower EICAS?)

"would you like to update the Vref by 1-knot? - because I know you can fly 1-knot"

"how was your meal?"

....but "thanks for the flight" really takes the nauseating cake.

"I know the salary is bad but it will get better"

"Do you have the scoop on the latest PC?"

"I know that $45000 is terrible, but I'll get my upgrade in a year, tops"

"Recruitment told me I'll be a captain in 5 years"

"My last PC was good"

"I'm requesting regional flights, every month"

"I'll start flying regional at least a year before my upgrade"

"The company radiation dose numbers say I'm okay flying only polar flights"

Ad nauseum

"Speed window is open at plus 1 knot, so we can clean up the flaps".

"Happy?"

-"Anything in the NOTAMs?"

-"Happy with flight plan fuel?"

-"I don't see any reason to take anymore..."

-"Mate of mine flew with RH recently and he said [insert absolutely any rumour]"

-"Yeah but Emirates only make money because they don't pay for their fuel"

But my favourite moment has to be when another carrier (usually American, with gravelly drawn-out Southern-US aw-shucks Chuck Yeager-like voice) transmits "Carrier 273 heavy, we're outta two point three climbin' five point oh, 3575 comin' down with the flash" and then watching any British CAP413 disciple start to squirm and sweat in their seat, eyebrow twitching involuntarily and teeth exposed in sneer, sometimes accompanied by an almost whispered "bloody ex-colonists!"

:}

This gem from the latest newsletter......
"I talked face to face with the 6 First
class pax, about our options and decisions."

and after any completely non-related incident involving a landing, " a normal landing was carried out"........ Haha

After sitting on the bus to go to the hotel for 5 minutes, the cabin crew board and each one says. "thank you for waiting" :confused:

Since we are part of the Group…..a few from KA.


"Ready for a quick brief….. ?". Ninety seconds later they are still rambling on about nothing via a CTWO+ diatribe.


"OK for a normal boarding Captain?". I must ask one day WTF the alternatives are.

"Speed noted". Yes Ace you are +2kts with the ATHR on so what are you going to do- will the speed back?


"Threats are Home Port Complacency". Oh thank goodness a 200 hour pilot has identified a legitimate threat- but then you ask him about it and realize its a buzz word he heard but doesn't understand.


"I'm going to Emirates…."


"I'm too busy to volunteer for the union committee". Single and outspoken guy and no kids generally.


"GeoffComs". Never in my career have I come across…


"These SOPs have stood the test of time…." CX pilot on exchange at KA as the CP and the day after he left a project was put in force to get rid of the CX oral diarrhea out of the SOPs.

''yeah, but do you really want to live in the desert?''

"the company must respond by November 27th."

oh, and....

"we'll give you timely updates on negotiations..."

"I don't mind flying freight."

" Traffic at 2 o'clock ! " (12 miles distance, 4000 feet below )

" Coffee machine is not working. I think this means we are AOG "




... and my all-time favourite :

" I never go on PPrune "

"What's your opinion on the fuel? Not that it is going to influence my decision whatsoever"

"Why don't you join the GC"

" same team, same dream "

" It's the little things that makes a difference "

" Service straight through the heart! "

" Safety is our top priority "

whats the difference between an airline pilot and God?
God doesn't think he is an airline pilot :O

No, the phrase is (if you listen closely)... " as safety is our priority..." . Not "Top priority". A strange but deliberate change to a seemingly obvious statement.

I don't work for CX but these are golden haha

"Has everyone looked at the flight plan?" - no, we just stood around browsing magazines during our report time. :hmm:

"Ok, they've given us a REC EXTRA of 2000 kg, CONT is 2500, weather is good, blah blah blah, are you happy with flight plan fuel?" - really? I didn't notice that they gave us REC EXTRA and CONT. :hmm:

"Fuel is TANK to ENGINE" - as opposed to APU to ENGINE? :hmm:

"APU is available", "On the bus" - as opposed to? TRU, inverter? :hmm:

.....and of course the never-ending "Dear G" self flagellation letters
:ugh:

Are we clear ?
 

Captain .."Pin sighted , tug is clear got the wave off , ground crew is clear left"

FO...." Even though there has never been ground crew on my side, it's clear on the right.."

c..." Final items "

F..."Final items, ground crew ? "

C ..." Still clear on the left..."

F..." Still clear on the right "

C ..."ready taxi clear on the left"

F......"clear on the right"