Laughter in the air
 

come on girls and boys, please tell us your stewardess and steward jokes, or any other funnies you may have.

i posted this on jet blast but thought it more apropriate here.

Nagging and generally bothersome old lady passenger to stewardess who's having a VERY bad day, "can you tell me, how does the pilot find the airport after flying all these miles"?. "well madam" says our heroine "all pilots have to have exellent eyesight, and with the nice big windows they have up front they can see for miles and miles so its easy for them to find the airport" "well dear" says the old lady " thats all very well but how do they find their way at night"?. Stewardess (now feeling peeved at being delayed even more) "madam, if you look out of the right window, you will see a red light, now if you look out of the left window you will see a green one, all the pilot has to do is stay in between them and he knows he's going the right way"!!!!.

ok i'll shut up!!!!!


Greg

I would be a bit worried about that. :\ An almighty great BANG! would seem to be the next thing to happen. :uhoh:

oooops, that'll teach me to pprune after taking my vodka and valium chaser:O should of course read right window, GREEN light, left window RED light.....tut tut, and i have spent the blimming day WORKING on an aircrafts WINGS too!!!!!! i'm having a muppett day :} i blame the squirrels, they made me do it.....


Greg

An airline pilot leaves for his 3 day trip in rather a hurry, when he gets to the aircraft he realises that he has left his brain at home.
What am I gonna do he thinks? Then he remembers the brain shop in the terminal building.

"I'd like a brain please" says the Captain.

"Certainly sir, I have two, a flight crew brain, that costs $1000 or a flight attendant brain that costs $500"

"Just out of interest why is the flight attendant brain cheaper?"

"That's because the flight attendant brain has been used sir"


Taxi for one please!


T x

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PILOTS AND GOD???


GOD DOESN'T THINK HE'S A PILOT!!!;)

why does a flight attendant have one more brain cell than a cow?

so she dosent crap in the aisle...


what separates 2 alcoholics from a bunch of hookers?

the flight deck door.

Gregers - we have all made mistakes at some time or another and, quite apart from your little gaff, I enjoyed the post :ok:

why do most captains die soonn after retirement?



coz their wives dont know that they have to be fed and given t n /coffee every given hour!!!


ps... nuthing agnst captains... juz thinking of 1 on CC's

-What will u find between a BA hosties breasts?

-Her belly button

Future A/C such as the A380 and 787 are to be crewed by a pilot and a dog.

The pilot is there to feed the dog.

The dog is there to bite the pilot if he tries to touch the controls.

:O

One from each side of the flight deck door:

What do pilots use for contraception?
Their personalities!


----------------------------

How many crew does it take to serve the flight deck coffee?

100 - 1 to do it, and 99 to bitch in the galley about having to do it



:E


Happy Flying All!





ps just to prove I am not biased either way, sometimes I think the 'contraception/personality' joke applies to both sides of the flight deck door!

Whats that little bit that separates the dick from the arsehole - the centre console !!!!!!!!!!!!!

:cool:

Captains Wives
 

Q.Whats the last thing a Captains wife does before she has sex.
A.Drives him to the airport.


Q.How do you know when a Captain has died?
A.His wife is wearing a BLACK tennis dress

mid 70's. stewardess showing her b/f around the cockpit of a trans world 747
sewardess, that is th pilots seat,
b/f whats that stain on it?.
stewardess, thats T.W.A.coffee spilt by a T.W.A.T

Greg

THE COPILOT
 

THE COPILOT
by Keith Murray, DC-3 copilot

I am the copilot, I sit on the right.
It´s up to me to be quick and bright
I never talk back for I have regreats,
But I have to remember what the Captain forgets.

I make out the Flight Plan and study the weather
Pull up the gear, stand by to feather;
Make out the mail forms and do the reporting
And fly the old crate while the Captain is courting.

I take the readings, adjust the power,
Put on the heaters when we're in a shower;
Tell him where we are on the darkest night,
And do all the book work without any light.

I call for my Captain and buy him cokes;
I always laugh at his corny jokes,
And once in a while when his landings are rusty,
I always come through with, "By gosh, it's gusty!"

All in all I'm a general stooge
As I sit to the right of the man I call "Scrooge";
I guess you think that is past understanding,
But maybe some day he will give me a landing.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

How do you know if you have a captain at your party? ................
Dont worry, he'l soon tell you!


How do you know if you have cabin crew at your party? ......
They will stand behind your curtains, eat all your sandwiches and bitch about you all night!

things you don't want to hear in an aircraft.....

1, sudden loud noises

2, sudden silences

3, that the 'autopilot watchers office' :p has been fitted with ejection seats

4, passenger pointing out the window and saying, "was that bit supposed to fall off"?

5, stewardess looking worried and asking "is there a pilot on board"

6, passenger saying "I'M GONNA BE SSS...HHUUUUUGH....."

gREG

Emailed to me today:

Miss Flight Attendant
(to the tune of Miss Independant by Kelly Clarkson)

Miss Flight Attendant
Miss 'Here's your pretzels', Miss 'no more blank-eeets'
Miss 'Beverage Cart', Miss 'Smash My Knees', Miss
'We're all out of, cof-feeee', yeah!

Miss 'Safety Demo', Miss 'Keep this stowed'
Miss, 'always have to point out, the exit row'
So, keep your tray table up-rright, and she'll never ever feel up-tight
Little Miss Anal Retentive - so Oooh, keep your seatbelt on!

Why do we need these tricks in the sky? All that they do is say "Bye Bye"
They're fast, in first class
They're slow, in coach

What is the deal with flight attendants?
Nothing but flying waitresses!

Bye bye, bye bye now!
Bye bye, bye bye now..........

:E :E :E


http://www.kygo.com/audio/MissFlightAttendant.mp3


(ps Before I get flamed for posting that, I will point out that I too am a flight attendant!)

oldie but goodie...
 

The sad thing is, I once worked with a girl who would probably have done the same thing!!! :E :p ;)

How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the one. He holds it in place and expects the world to revolve around HIM.

True Story:

Demanding passenger in Business Class coming from USA to UK. Pressing call bell every 15 mins for something else...

Final descent, call bell goes again, crew member now feeling a bit like a personal slave without any thanks, goes to tend to passenger.......

CC: "Hi"

PAX: "Hi, when I get into London, I'm in transit and need to get my bang (fringe) trimmed, is there a hair salon in the terminal?"

CC: "Yes of course, there is a salon, no need to make an appointment, just pop in and they'll trim it for you"

PAX: "They better do a good job"

CC: (about to walk off then hesitates and turns to pax) "Oh and by the way madam, in England we don't call it a bang, we call it a minge"

:eek:

sixmilehighclub that is so funny!!

I can just imagine the look on the hairdressers face!!

Thanks Sixmilehighclub, that was blimming hysterical. :D i needed a good laugh.

Greg

Captain dies and ends up waiting in the welcoming reception of Hell.

The devil wanders over and says "Allo Captain, welcome to hell. We've a new system of punish running down here now - have a look through those doors and tell me how you want to spend your eternity."

Captain opens door 1 and there is a condemned pilot doing an eternity of pre flight paperwork. Bugger that he thinks.

Captain opens door 2 and there is a another condemned pilot doing an preflight aicraft walk around in 45c temperatures sweating his butt off. Bugger that he thinks.

Captain opens door 3 and there he sees a pilot in the flight deck being served by a flight attendant with and endless supply of coffee and hot meals. Captain thinks well that's for me!

The Devil appears and says "Well Captain, what Hell have you chosen?".

The Captain says "I'll have door 3 thanks."

The Devil replied "Door 3? There isn't a door 3" and the Captain says "Yeah, this one here" pointing to the third door.

The Devil opens the door and says "Ooh, sorry that's not for you, that's Flight Attendant Hell".

Boom, Boom....

Laughf in air
 

Hi gues. I often look through that forum, but only now make up my mind write doun a couple of line.
I wasn't witness of the next story, but it seems to me it was the true.
One young girl, who take her attendant licence just 2 day ago,
flew to Paris (CDG). As she speak Franch, perser order her repeat
information after captan (it's company policy). Young attendant was nervios about her first flight and constantly ask her colleague about airoport's name.
-What is airoport's name?
-Sharl-de- Goll
And she importune with that question all flight. Eventually Before descending she replicate captan on French:
Lady and gentelmen. In 20 min. our plane arrive at airport.....mmm
...mmm .... Piera Rishara.......etc.
Iwasn't a witness, but it was told me that passangers rock with laughter in aisle.

another joke...
 

Loved your jokes...heres mine to add..

This 'famous' person gets onto our aircraft and sits in first class. Hes so rude to every other passenger and all the cabin crew that eventually one of the girls goes over to spk to him and calm him down.

Eventually he says to her ' do you know who iam ? Do you know who iam......etc etc..' .She turns , walk up to the intercom and announces that 'we have a passenger sitting in seat 5 E who doesn't know who he is.If anybody does know who he is could them make themselves known.!!!

End of 'famous passenger' rudeness!!!

Whats the difference between a toilet and a flight attendant?........... The toilet has to only deal with one arse hole at a time!

Re: Laughter in the air
 

gregers - I wouldn't worry too much about the red/green. If Antoine De Saint-Exupery could make the same mistake anyone can. Used as an example of laterality in CRM. Same with Ernest Gann and inflating life jackets BEFORE you exit the aircraft.

Re: Laughter in the air
 

This one is clever,


Our headline ran, "Virgin screw British Airways." We'd have rather preferred 'British Airways screws Virgin,' but we had to run with the facts.

— News Editor, 'The Sun' newspaper

(http://www.skygod.com/quotes/flyingjokes.html)

Re: Laughter in the air
 

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

Re: Laughter in the air
 

:p "The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate." :p

Victa Driver :O

Re: Laughter in the air
 

THE BITER BIT !!!

Many moons ago, on a flight from the US of A to London, an overdressed lady travelling in economy (or whatwever Imperial Airways are calling it this month) was making excessive demands of the courteous but extremely busy Cabin Staff. After yet another pompous demand for a Gin and Tonic, she asked a question of her long-suffering Flight Attendant -

"Tell me my dear, having been away from England for a number of years, what's the servant situation these days?"

Without a pause, our gorgeous English Rose replied....

"I'm sure you will have no difficulty finding a position, Ma'am."

Keep smiling and preparing their drinks behind that curtain !!!

Neppie :cool:

Re: Laughter in the air
 

Re: Laughter in the air
 

A conversation between a dolly and a pax on a BA flight to yankland.it was the second service in economy which consists of a blue box with a sandwich and snacks.the pax had pre-orderd a veggie meals so the dolly gave the pax their box before the rest of the paxs.

on handing the box to the pax the said conversation took place.

dolly : "Madam,I believe you have pre-odered a vegetarian meal ?"

Madam (american) : "Yes."

dolly hand the pax her meal and begin to walk away.pax looks at box

Madam : "Excuse me miss,I've ordered a vegetarian meal"

dolly walks back to the bemused pax to query
and checks.it is a veggie meal.

dolly : "this is vegetarian"

Madam (angry and quite rude): "no it isn't,I specifically orderd a veggie meal.why don't I have one"

dolly (taken aback,but stays proffessional) :" I assure you madam,this is vegetarian"

Madam (again,angry and rude) : "do you think i'm daft,if this is veggie why does it say bacon on the side.take it away"

Dolly (looks at the box and coolly replies) : "no madam,i'm afraid you've misread.that doesn't say bacon,it's actually the British Airways web address."

BA.COM !

:} :} :} :} :}

Ah ! the yanks,gotta love 'em.

Re: Laughter in the air
 

Paddy and Mick are flying into LAX when an inflight causes them to declare an emergency. The nearest available runway is Edwards AFB, the largest runway in the world.

As they make a 3000fpm decent at near MTOW, they prepare for the landing, knowing they're on the limit, but safe in the knowedge that the runway is huge.

As they touch down thrust reversers rattle and scream and tyres are blown as they screech to a halt 4mm from the end of the tarmac.

As they gratefully survey the scene and thank their lucky stars, Paddy turns to Mick and says

"BeJeesus, Oi tought this was supposed to be a long runway- it's bloody well shorter than Kilkenny!"

Paddy replies "Aye, but look at the fookin width of it"!

:}

Re: Laughter in the air
 

(on a similar vein to one above)

airline captain lip!!!!z dies and goes to hell. the devil greets him and says "here you get to choose your own pennance for the bad you have done. but as hell is full the person you replace will get a ticket straight to heaven. open these three doors and chose who you want to replace",

door 1 contains a captain with a never ending pile of pre-flight paperwork to be done in a boiling hot office and the phone constantly ringing. "bugger that" thinks captain lip!!!!z

door 2 contains a captain doing a preflight walk round dressed in summer uniform and no jacket in sub zero tempritures and a howling wind. "and bugger that sideways" thinks captain lip!!!!z.

door 3 contains a captain in an air conditioned cockpit, constantly getting served coffee and food by a stunning but seriously overworked stewardess and given head by her whenever he asks for it.

"thats for me" says captain lip!!!!z. "devil old chap, i've decided on door three". "ok" says the devil who opens door three and says to the stewardess "ok Racheal, pack you bags cos your going to heaven"

Greg

Re: Laughter in the air
 

Just recalled the one about an 'original hostie', forgotten her name but think she was Pan Am...

posh first class pax hands CC a baby without even making eye contact, saying snootily: "Change baby."

Response: "Yes madam, into what?"

:ok: :D :p

Re: Laughter in the air
 

................................

Re: Laughter in the air
 

Q.. What separates flight attendants from the scum of the Earth?

A.. The flight deck door!

Re: Laughter in the air
 

Scum of the earth!!!???
Way harsh......:(